AllthisjustsomeanWatchingDisneyPlustheotherdayand I waswatchingmyfavoriteTVshowfromchildhood, whichwasLizzieMcGuire.
I haven't seenitsince I was 8 to 12 yearsold.
I feellikethat's whenitwasreallybig, and I wassoexcited.
I justputonthefirstepisode, andbytheendofit I wasquiteatuneaseand a littlebitactuallygreatlydismayedatwhat I sawandtheentirepremiseofthefirstepisodeofoneofthemostinfluentialshowsduringmychildhoodandprobablysomanyotherwomen's youngchildhoodthat's a littlebitredundant.
Thesearesarcasticdigs, passiveaggressivecomments, thinkingthatotherwomanareyourcompetitioninanunhealthymanner, identifyingthatyou'renotliketheothergirls, thatbeingnotbeingnotlikewomenis a goodthingis a positivething.
Thesewomenaresoterrible.
Allyourfriendsareguys.
Thisis, Ah, slutshaming.
Thisis a lot.
It's a lottimepackand I willbethefirsttotellyouthat I havedefinitelysaidsomeofthesestatements.
Nottobeabletosaythankyouto a complimentbecauseofthisonescene.
I couldnotsaythankyoutoanotherwomanbecause I wassoafraidthatitwas a fakecompliment.
I can't tellyouhowmanywomen I knowarenotabletotake a complimentbecauseofonescenein a movie.
Thetabloids.
A lotofthosemagazines, likeStarandPeoplewerealwaystalkingabout, Youknow, HilaryDuff's stealingthismanorhisLindsayLahanbeingwithAaronCarter, uh, BritneySpearsandChristinaAguilera, blahblah, beingpitagainstoneanother, one I haveneverseen, shallaboveversusKyleMasseyorJustinTimberlakeandUsherbeingatwaronewithoneanother.
Itwasalwayswomenpitagainstotherwomen.
Andwhile, ofcourse, therearetoxicmalegendernormsandalsoheteronormativeidealsthatareplacedonnonbinarypeoplethatarereallytoxic, anideal, I think, theoneaboutwomenissoimportantbecauseit's a lotofwomenalsoperpetuatingthisontootherwomen.
Thereareverymuchsocattymeangirlcharacteristicsto a lotofmainstreamcelebritiesthatareprominenttoday.
TaylorSwiftSomuchofherearlierworkthatpredatesthisnewwhitefeministagendaAh, was a lotaboutpittingwomenagainstotherwomen.
Taylorstuff, tomeis a perfectexampleofsomeonewhoperpetuatesvictimmentalitywhileatthesametimesimultaneouslymakingothergirlstheenemybecauseyouaredifferentortheoutlierandthereforeareinherentlybetterorsuperior.
Forexample, herhugehitsingleYouBelongWithMe.
Itgoesfromtheideaofthispersonwearshortskirts.
I wear T shirts, shesurecaptainand I'm onthebleachersand I will.
I totallywas a tailorsofanduringtherederain 1989 s o.
Thisisand I alsobelievethatwomenarenottoblameoratfaultforanyofthis.
I didwatchTaylorSosnoozedocumentarycalledMissAmericana, and I waspleasedtosaythatitseemedlikeshedid a lotofselfintrospection, washesawaybecauseshehadthistosafe.
I'm tryingtobeaseducatedaspossibleonhowtorespectpeopleonhowtodeprogrammedthemisogynyinmyownbrain, tossitout, rejectedandresistitlikethereisnosuchthingas a slut.
Thereisnosuchthingas a bitch.
Thereisnosuchthingassomeonewho's bossy.
There's just a bossnowmakingintersectional.
Anotherexamplethat I rememberlisteningto a lotduringmy M o phasewasmiserybusinessbyPamorwealsolistentothisyesterdaywhenwehave, like a M o carpoolkaraoke, and I listenedtothatsong.
I wasup, allappalledthat I wassingingthisstuffin 2007 andletmejustremindmesogoes, well, I neverIt's oneofthemostslutshamememostlikepittingwomenagainstwomen's songs I'veeverheardduringthespace.
It's like, Well, I nevermeanttobrag.
I gothimwhere I wanthimnow.
Itwasnevermyintentiontobrag.
Stealitallawayfromyou.
There's a lotoflikestealingandtheftthathastodowithmenthat I alsothinkisextremelyproblematicandtoxic.
SecondchancesTheydon't evermatter.
Peopleneverchangeonce.
Ah, whore, you'renothing, Maur.
I'm sorry.
That'llneverchange.
Well, there's a 1,000,000 othergirlswhodoitjustlikeyou, lookingasinnocentaspossibletogettowhoLiar?
Afi's airrefused.
Andifyouwatchthevideo, I rememberbeinglike, well, cameout.
And I think, 2007.
Whatisit?
2020 13 yearsago, 30 yearsago?
Probablylike 12.
I waslike, 12 atthetime, and I rememberthinkinglike, Wow, ofcoursethere's like a meangirlbutsheisequallyasmeterlike, I thinkattheendshe d stuffsherbraandthen, like, slapsherface, gettingridofallofthemakeup.
Andit's just a lotofunkindnesstreatedwith a lotofunkindness.
It's It's thevideoisjustlikeit's someanallthisjustso I mean, sowhoistoblameforallofthis?
Now?
I wannausethewordblameverylightlybecauseblamingotherpeopleorotherinstancesallowsyoutoliveinthisvictimhoodmentality, whichthengivesawayyourpowerleavesyouin a stateofdisempowerment.
Theideaofthisis a beautifulgraphicthat I rememberreadingwhen I was, like 15 onRookie, whichisanoldpublicationthatwas a hugefanofbyTabbyGivensin a veryprecocious 11 yearoldfashionbloggerwhomade a beautifullyfeministpublicationthatwasverynewwaveforitstime.
Andthediagramgoes, I dothisthingandit's kindofcoolsomedude, butthisgirldoesit, too.
Worsethat a girlworsethan a girlatsomethingsocietycatchesonSecretValleyHighBook, Siri's DisneyChannel.
A lotofthisstemsfrominternalizedmisogyny, theideathatfemininityissomethingthat's wrongornativewomenaresooftenidentifiedwithsuchnegativecharacteristics.
I understandwhyyouwouldfightthen, butEventhen, theissueisthemanwho's facilitatingthis.
Theissueisthemanwho's exercisinghispower, hisdominanceinsuch a wayovertowomen.
And I thinkifyouwannaliveinthisidealizedworldwherewomenhavenoneedforreparationsforwhat's beenhappeningtous, whilewehavemade a lotofstridesinwomen's rights, I wouldliketoremindyouthatwethat a woman's bodyandalsojust a human's body, a person's bodyisnot a politicalplayground.
Andit's notsomethingthatshouldbepoliticized.
Andyetwomen's bodiesareconsistentlyhistoricallyhavealwaysbeentreatedassuchas a politicalplaygroundforthefactthatabortioncanstillbeillegal.
Andit's likethisbodyofmineisnotsomethingthatthisbodyofmineisnotoffereddebatein a politicalcourtroomupin D.
C.
Thisismybody, andwhat I choosetodowithitismychoice.
And I believethateverywomanwhohasbeenwrongfully, uh, impregnatedthroughrape, theirsexualassaultshaseveryrighttodowhatevershechoosesme.
Nowitwouldbesuch a differentstoryofmencouldgetimpregnatedoneinit.
Andin 2019 a womanstillonlyearns 79 centsto a man's dollarpayTrickeryallowswomentocompeteagainstoneanotherbecauseittakesawayfromtherealcompetition, whichislikemen.
Oh, arethecompetitionforequalrights, Bytheway, it's kindoflike I wasincollegeat u C.
L.
A.
I took a lotofclassesonthehistoryofKoreaandtheDivisionofKoreaandthepossiblereconciliationoftheKoreas.
Andmanyhistoriansandpoliticaladvocateswhostudiedthissaidthat, honestly, manyoftheEastAsiancountries, suchasJapanandChina, mainly I don't reallysupportorareexcitedfor, essentiallyforthereconciliationoftheKoreas, becauseeconomicallytheywouldbesuch a powerhouse, also, sociallyandpolitically, itwouldbetotally a totallydifferentanimaltodealwith.
Oppressedgroupsorminoritygroupshavebeenthevictimof a lotofdiscriminationandkindnessandhavebeenbarredfrommanyotheropportunitiesandprivilegesasthedominantparty.
Andsotherefore, there's goingtobe a lotofinternalizedanger, misogyny, resentmentonanditcomesoutindifferentplaces.
And I thinkthat a lotofthisisn't thisbehaviorisn't naturally, inherentlyfemale.
I thinkthisiswhat I readin a CherylSandbergarticleabout, uh, debunkingthemythofcattywomen.
Anditsaysthisbehaviorisn't inherentlyfemale.
It's a naturalwaywereacttodiscriminationwherewebelongtonondominantgroup.
It's veryvalidthatsuch a a groupofpeoplewouldbeangry, saysthatblackpeopleareinherentlyangrywhereno, they'relikethevictimsandhavebeenoppressedforcenturies, andthereforeitis a veryvalidandnaturalresponsetohavingbeentreatedthatwaysystemically, historicallyagain.
TheideathatwomenareinherentlyKattyareinherentlyevilareinherentlycrueltooneanotherwhenmoreso, it's a natural, adaptiveresponsetobeingoppressedbythepatriarchy.
WhatSherylSandbergsaid, it's likeit's notinherentlyfemalethisbehavior, because, ah, lotofwhat I seeaswe'vegottenolderandhaveasgenerationshaveprogressed, obviously, becausewiththewholenewideaofgirlsupportinggirlsandintersectionalfeminism, I dofeelthatwomenhavebecome a lotkindertooneanother, especiallywithconversationslikethese, butmoreso I seethatthisbecomesdisplacedand a lotofgaymenandthegaymencommunity.
There's a lotofinternalizedmisogyny, a lotofunkindnesstoanother, becausegaymenhavealsohistoricallybeenoppressedandhavebeendiscriminatedagainstandthentreatedunequally.
Thoughthisbehaviorisn't inherentlyfemale, it's a naturalresponsetobeing a partofthenondominantparty.
MyonlyissuewiththeCherylSandbergbeingisactuallysaysbeingcattyis a myth, statistically, thatwomenintheworkplacehavebeenabletolike, groworhavebeenabletohavemoreupwardmobilitythroughotherwomen's Theo's andstuff.
But I alsobelieve I didreadherbutleanin.
I dobelievethatitwas a verywhitecentricwhitefeministview.
I realizedthat a lotofthisisalsowomenwhohave a motherwoundwomenwhofirstfeltunkindnessfromotherwomenthroughtheirownmothers.
Whileit's greatto, youknow, debunkthiscattywomenintheworkplace, I thinkitcomesfrom a purewhitesectorplace.
Becausenotonlydidmineimmigrantmotherhavetodohavetodealwiththeplightofmigrationandlearning a wholenewculture, shealsohadtodowiththeoppressionofjustbeing a woman.
Ontopofthatbeing a racialminority.
It's a lotoftraumaand a lotofwoundingand a lotofdeep, deepunpacking.
So I thinkinthesamewaythatwebelievethatyouknow, likemymom's momhaddiabetesandmymom's mom's momhaddiabetes.
Therearelikeemotional, almostgeneticsthatgetpasseddowntousin a wayandwhatyoudon't he'llobviouslygetspassedontoanother.
A lotofthewomenofcolorwhohavedisplayed a lotof, youknow, canninesstowardsme.
I noticedthattheyhavetheirownwhat I callmomtrauma.
I thinkthey'remalerelationshipsbecauseoftheirfather, maybeanabsentfatherandabusivefather, A criticalfather.
I wasbelieved, butinthesenseoflike, I didn't allowmyselftobebullied.
But I wasdefinitelytherecipient.
I don't wanttobe a victimbecauseitjusthappenedsoheavy.
But I was a recipientof a lotofunkindnessfromothergirlsinschool.
I rememberthedaygotintoyou, Celia, whichislike a lotofpeoplewhere I where I comefrom.
It's like a predominantlyAsianAmericancommunity, verycompetitiveaboutschool, and u C L A islikesomewhereyoureallywanttogo.
Um, I remember, like, oneofthegirlsthatdon't likemebasicallysaid, Whydogoodthingshappentobadpeople?
Like, WhydidgetAmygetto U.
C.
L.
A.
And I thinkoneofthegirlsstolemylunchpills.
AndsothisallbringsmetoHowcanwecombatcattiness?
Howcanwedismantlethis?
I thinkthatthebiggestissueisnotcattiness.
ThereverseofitisnotHighnessin a fakeway, because I think a lotofusarelikeyousimplycute, ortoretortbackwithsometypeofothercountyanus.
It's honestlyneutrality.
It's notdoinganything.
It's notsayinganything.
It's walkingaway.
It's removingyourselffromtheroom.
It's notevenengagingwithcattiness.
I thinkthat's thetrueresponse, becauseallthewhileinhighschool, while I was, uh, whiletheyweretryingtobelieveme, I thinklikesittinginthebathroomorlikeeatingaloneisseenaslike, reallybadinAmericanfilms.
Buthonestly, I rememberwatchingthoseandlike, that's a greatidea.
Like, I don't evenhavetositwiththemifthey'regonnatalkpoorlyaboutmeregossipinfrontofme.
I remember I satintheceramicsroombymyself a lot, and I workedonmyceramicsliketookceramicsthatyear, and I didn't givethemanyresponsewhen I heardthemsaythingspoorlyaboutme.
I neversaid, Oh, like, Well, Sarah's a bitchballblock.
Um, I don't believeintoxicpeople.
That's anotherthing I believeandhurtpeople, peoplewhoseegosandinsecuritieshavebeenvery, veryhurtinthepast, therehavebeenvery, veryexaminedandhavebeenproddedandpickedatbysocietybyotherwomenbyMom, Dad, whatever.
I believethatwedon't havetoxicpeople.
Wehavehurtpeople.
Sointhatsituationinhighschool, I justremovemyself.
I disengaged.
I justchosetonotbethatperson's friendlike I removemyselffromthesituation.
Sotocombatcanninessormeanness, I thinkit's neutrality.