どのトイレットペーパーブランドを買うべきか？ (Which Toilet Paper Brand Should You Buy?)

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- Today we do our duty to find the best TP for your booty.
- Let's talk about that.
(fun theme music)
(fire blazing)
Good mythical morning.
- Choosing the right toilet paper is incredibly difficult.
If you're like me you just go to the grocery store and you
stand in the TP aisle and you just stand there for minutes
up to sometimes hours.
- Wow.
- Depending on how intimidated you get.
I usually just break down and pick the thing that's closest
or has the prettiest picture on it.
- No, you cannot do that because this is
an important decision.
I think this is as decision as choosing a spouse.
- Okay.
- It's a lot like that.
I mean, it's a daily relationship that gets very intimate.
- Oh, yes it does. - So, we're gonna
help you make the proper decision today.
It's time for Test For The Best Toilet Paper.
- Okay, we're gonna be doing a series of tests on a number
of different toilet paper brands that really go across a
spectrum of prices.
We've got Cottonelle Ultra Comfort Care.
- Angel Soft Softness and Strength.
- Charmin Ultra Strong.
- Seventh Generation brand.
- Scott 1000, which is one ply.
- And Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, which is three ply.
- And then we're gonna take all these tests and together
determine the ultimate toilet paper that you
should be buying.
- Let's do it.
- [Both] Round one.
- Okay, we're gonna get started with the softness test.
- Which is very important.
- My face is covered with beard.
I don't know what the world feels like anymore.
But you have a bare face.
- It's like a heinie.
- We're gonna use your face.
Of course, as you can see, we don't know what brand is what.
We just got A through F here.
So, I've got a system in mind.
I'm going to compare all these and establish
a ranking, Link.
Feel free to touch them.
You just tell me which one's softer, right or left.
- This one's softer.
- Okay.
Alright, I'm gonna compare all these
to A.
- Let me get some hands.
- Okay.
- You know, this has got a lot of detailing which makes it
feel less soft than this one.
This one's softer. - Okay.
This one's still softer.
Alright.
Hm.
This is fun, by the way.
- Ooo, now we're getting into a tie territory.
- Gotta pick a winner.
Gotta be a winner.
- This one.
- Okay, alright.
I can feel with this one, I can feel
which one's softer. - Oh, my goodness.
This one's softer.
- Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
And.
You can't do this in the grocery store.
You have to pay.
- Yeah you can but it's plastic.
Gotta do it through plastic.
This is tough.
Hold it still.
Just push. (crew chuckles)
And now pull.
Oh, yeah.
There we go.
This one's softer.
- Okay.
Wow, alright.
So now which one's softer between these two?
Clearly.
Clearly.
- This one.
- Yes.
Okay, which one's softer between these two?
- Push harder.
And then, yep.
Just a nice...
Okay.
Hm.
This one by a little.
- That one's a little bit softer.
- Yeah. - Okay.
And then which one's softer between these two?
- I've never felt so
loved. - You're picking the
softest one right now, Link.
So
be good.
Be good, Link.
- Be good.
This one, definitely.
- Okay.
Alright, there you go.
There is our order of softest to least soft.
- There it is.
I wanted it exactly where I wanted it.
So we have our results.
Six points for B being in first place of softness going all
the way down to one point for E in last place of softness.
- [Both] Round two.
- And now to find out how much pee-pee can your TP drinky.
You've seen the blue liquid test
- Yeah. - Which is apparently
the standard of the industry.
Until today. - Well, a lot of
people have blue pee.
- Okay.
Well we have pee streams, so we're gonna use,
- Yes. - Well a simulated
pee stream test.
- Now, I know you typically don't pee directly into a roll
of toilet paper.
I mean, I have done that after a particularly wild night but
what we're gonna do to test the absorption is I'm gonna
spray the pee
into
the TP.
- That's just water.
- Well, but it's yellow.
You're gonna pull this and see how many squares
it goes through.
- This is the standardizing mechanism.
So go ahead and hit the same amount of stream, from the
same distance every...
Oh, my goodness.
It is pee.
- Yeah, I had a lot of vitamin B.
- So one. - Yeah.
- Two,
three,
four,
five,
sixer,
seven,
eight,
- Nine. - Nine.
- That's it, nine.
- Nine. - Alright, next one.
- So that's nine for A.
You got some pee stream on my nose.
It was in this. - Here we go.
Comin' back in and.
- Alright.
I should let it hit for a second.
- Okay.
- One,
two,
three,
four,
five,
six,
seven,
eight,
nine. - Nine.
Well, nine. - Is there a 10?
- It's a tie.
It's a tie.
That's it, nine.
Alright, bring in the next one.
I usually pee more than just a little burst like this.
(laughs)
When I'm peeing on the toilet paper.
- Paper.
Ooo, goodness. - Oh.
It never bounces back 'cause it's always down there.
- One.
- Oh, this is a big one.
- Whoa.
Two.
- Too big for the roll.
- Three,
four,
five,
six,
seven,
eight,
nine.
- [Rhett] 10, there's a little bit there.
- 10 right there.
- And
okay.
Alright, that's it.
- 10.
- Alright, so we've got two at nine and one with 10.
- Alright.
- The ties are gonna split the points.
You'll see how we do that.
And.
- Ooo.
Yeah, it is consistent.
I'm getting sprayed consistently
every time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Science.
- If anything I'm a - One.
Two. - Consistent pee sprayer.
- Three,
four,
five,
six,
seven,
eight,
nine,
10.
- [Rhett] Oh.
11.
Very small.
- [Link] 11.
- 11, that's it.
- You're a good spotter of the pee spot.
- Yeah.
Trust me, I tell ya, I do this.
- I'll tell ya, I do this.
- If you could replace your (clicks) with a water
gun, would you? (crew laughs)
- Let me think about that, no.
- I think I would, man.
This is fun.
- Well, more power to you.
Doesn't impact me at all.
(crew laughs)
Alright, so that's one.
Oh, my goodness, two.
- This one's goin' deep, sucka.
This one's goin' deep.
- Three. - This looks like our
- Four.
- One ply contestant. - Five.
Six.
Looks like a eyeball starin' at ya.
Seven.
Oh, my goodness.
Eight.
Nine.
- This really forces you to not get a lot of TP, that's what
I like about this one.
- 10,
11.
- Oh, gosh.
- 12.
- Uh-huh. - 13.
- Oh, gosh.
- 14.
Oh,
15.
16.
Oh, my goodness, 17.
18. - Yeah.
- You're gonna have to take over, my arm's getting tired.
19.
20.
- [Rhett] Oh, yep, 21.
- [Link] 21.
- And that's it.
21.
21. - Woo!
- Alright, we got one more in here?
Alright.
Oh, gosh. - Oh!
I'm trying to help
and I'm not doing it. - And.
Alright, that's it, right?
- Alright, so that's one.
Two,
three,
four,
five,
six,
seven,
eight,
nine, - Nine.
Nine.
Wow.
So three of them had nine.
- That's a sweet spot for absorption.
- Okay, so we've go three that are tying in
the absorption test.
- [Both] Round three.
- Okay, now for a poopy pick up test because no TP is worth
its weight if it can't pick up some poo-poo (laughs).
Okay. - That's true.
- So instead of wiping poop from butts, we're gonna be
wiping pudding from el-butts.
Everybody present your elbows and I'm gonna put
a consistent amount.
- Because an el-butt is an elbow
crack area.
Just like a baby's bottom. - I'm gonna center
it right there.
- [Link] Oh, look at that.
Mr Consistent Dolloper.
Lettin' 'em have it.
- [Rhett] Yep.
- Sorry, there you go.
- [Link] Look at that, receive it.
Receive that dollop of
- Okay. - Chocolate dookie.
(laughs)
Boy that's...
This is like a spa treatment, right?
- [Lizzie] Mhm.
- It's like, now we are placing the feces on
your inner elbow.
- Okay.
Now, don't do your el-butts yet because you'll do your
el-butts right before and you know what, I'm gonna do a
little bit more on Mike over here.
- Yeah, gotta get 'em consistent and I then am gonna be the
ultra consistent one swipe wiper.
I'm gonna give
just an initial two finger swipe wipe
that would then be followed by other wipes, but we're only
gonna judge the initial wipes.
Starting with A.
Rhett, are you in position?
- A.
- Hand me the A wiper.
Now,
make that el-bottom.
There it goes. (laughs)
- [Rhett] Get it, Link.
- [Link] Well, I'm gonna see what, there
she goes. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If a little bit drops.
- Yeah, they see that? - Yeah.
- I don't have to work on that.
- Yeah, that's right.
You let that go right into the toilet.
Right into the sewer system.
- [Link] I'm just doing a two finger.
Oh, do you open it?
Yeah, I do that.
Open it a little. (laughs)
Oh, my goodness. - Okay.
- That did not feel great. (laughs)
Alright, so now make one over here.
- You're gonna be there a while, Mike, on that one.
- [Link] Bring it in.
Oh, my goodness, that one wants to.
Look, he's making your tiger soiled.
(laughs)
Look at that, I need to try to get...
Nope, permanent.
Alright, so.
- Bring your arm in, Alex, so we can get a good shot.
- Hold on, I haven't wiped this one yet.
- [Rhett] Yeah.
- Here we go, I was just wiping the tiger.
Here we go.
Alright, again, I'm gettin' a lot but I'm not
getting it all.
- Okay. - It's a part
of the judgment.
- C.
- C, C.
Oh, this one's bumpy.
- Ready?
- [Link] Yeah, give it a squeeze.
- [Rhett] Oh.
Oh, look at that.
Oh. - I don't like watching that.
(laughs)
I know my face says I like it but I don't.
(laughs)
- Alright, now open back up, spread a little.
There we go.
Again, this is two finger.
Woop.
(laughs)
Now, right here, if you'll...
- D.
- Alright, so we're going with the left.
Close the lefter.
There it goes.
Just like a waterfall.
- [Stevie] (laughing) Ew.
- Like a poopy waterfall. - Pretty consistent.
There's a little dookie drop on every one of 'em.
- [Link] Alright, and just a quick swipe.
- [Rhett] Oh, gosh.
Oh.
- That was good.
- That was uncalled for.
- You could open up a store.
- It was uncalled for is what it was.
- Oh, look at this.
This is a pathetic sheet, man.
My fingers are gonna be compromised.
Oh, my goodness, is that gonna drop?
- [Lizzie] Mhm.
It's going.
- I want a little, yep.
Good gosh, this is not gonna do anything.
This is like...
- (laughing) Oh. (crew laughs)
Oh.
- [Link] Gosh.
- Alright.
- Finally.
- And F.
Oh!
Oh!
- Right on my shoe.
(laughs)
Okay.
And then spread. - Oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
- Yeah, that's it.
- [Lizzie] Okay.
- Boop.
And there we have it.
- Okay, now, we have to rank these.
Wow. - Oh, goodness.
- Get where I can see the B, there.
- Oh, man.
- Sorry.
- You just smashed my C.
- [Link] I mean, I think the C is pretty good.
The F is pretty good right here.
- [Rhett] The B is pretty good.
It just has a little bit down there.
I mean, that's pretty clean.
A is not good.
Right now it's B,
C. - C,
F.
- Hold on, F has a crap ton.
- [Link] Well, yeah, but where I wiped it's pretty clean.
Look at that.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [Link] Look at that.
- Right. - That's real bad.
- Yeah, and D's not good either 'cause where you went over
there's still a whole bunch.
- [Link] Yep, yep.
- Okay, so, we've got B,
C.
- B, C.
- F.
- F.
- And then...
- Between A, D, and E.
- Okay, and then we've got between D and A, D's
better than A.
- Okay. - And you've got A
and then lastly you've got E.
- Alright, so there you have it.
For the pick up round B takes the lead with six points going
all the way for sad E
with one point.
Good work, guys.
- And after tabulating the results after all three
rounds, the winner, based on performance alone, is
B, which is Quilted Northern Ultra Plush with 17 points.
- Whoa.
And when you factor in price it shuffles around the
standings a little bit but still at the top of the standings
is Quilted Northern Ultra Plush!
- Oh, so it's affordable too.
Oh, how can you eat that after what you just did to it?
- It's irresistible (laughs).
- Okay.
- Thank you for liking, commenting, wiping, and subscribing.
- You know what time it is.
- Hi, it's Maibe.
- Hey, it's Shudi.
- Hallo, it is Meena.
- Hey, it's...
- [All] And we're from Egypt and it's time to spin the
Wheel of Mythicality!
Woo!
- You can wipe all of the stress of your day away with some
fun new videos over at YouTube.com/ThisIsMythical.
- And click through to Good Mythical More.
We're gonna play, play,
- Play. - Play
toilet paper bowling.
- Win Face.
Congratulations to Alex.
You win some of the Mythical Pomade.
Look at that. - Woo.
- Whoa. - Your hair is gon'
look good, Alex. - Yeah, Alex.
Click on the left to watch our show after the show,
Good Mythical More.
- [Link] Click on the right to watch another episode of
Good Mythical Morning.
- [Rhett] And makes sure to check out our new channel, This
Is Mythical, by clicking the video at the bottom.
- [Link] Thanks for being your mythical best.