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  • -Guys, it seems like there's

  • so much going on right now.

  • The Democratic primary is in full swing.

  • Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • What else?

  • Samsung just introduced

  • their new folding phone.

  • I don't know if you saw that.

  • And Carl's Jr. Is rolling out

  • its new Thickburger.

  • [ Cheering ] It has an entire patty

  • of fried cheese.

  • [ Laughter ] There's a lot to go over.

  • Let's just jump in and cover it all at once.

  • It's time for a "Newsmash."

  • [ Suspenseful theme plays ] [ Cheering and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • First up, the Democratic primary.

  • Right now, Bernie Sanders is riding high

  • after his big win in New Hampshire.

  • It looks like voters are starting to fall in love,

  • which is perfect, 'cause it's almost

  • Valentine's Day.

  • [ Laughter ] It's the holiday

  • when we celebrate romance, we exchange chocolates, flowers,

  • and cute cards that open and close, kinda like

  • Samsung's new folding phone.

  • [ Laughter ] It bends like an oldschool flip phone.

  • When it opens, it's flat.

  • But when it's folded --

  • Oh, she thick.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Carl's Jr.'s new big fried cheese Thickburger

  • is now available and you can mix and match it with any sides.

  • It's all a bit much and people might end up

  • not wanting any of them. It's kinda like the

  • Democratic primary.

  • [ Laughter, ohs, and applause ]

  • Joe Biden's campaign is really struggling.

  • If he doesn't turn it around, fast,

  • he might have to

  • Fold. It might seem [ Laughter ]

  • like old technology, but the new Samsung phone

  • costs $1,400.

  • Which is about how much money you'll have to pay

  • to get a reservation on Valentine's Day.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] It'll all be worth it

  • at the end of the night,

  • when you get real close to that special someone.

  • Unless, of course, one of you just ate

  • a big fried cheese Thickburger.

  • You need some time to digest.

  • It has over 1,000 calories and some people are saying

  • eating one is asking for trouble,

  • just like doing last-minute shopping at 7-Eleven for

  • Valentine's Day.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] Be careful.

  • If you don't get her the right gift,

  • she'll tell you to get

  • Bent. The screen [ Laughter ]

  • measures 6.7 inches, which is also the same height as

  • Pete Buttigieg. [ Laughter ]

  • Rising in the polls,

  • he's currently placed at a rock solid

  • Number 2.

  • [ Laughter ] So, in conclusion,

  • good luck moving on.

  • Good luck turning it on.

  • Good luck gettin' down.

  • Good luck keeping it down.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • [ Fresh cheering and applause ]

  • That's right, you guys!

  • Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and,

  • just a word of advice to any tourists in the audience:

  • If you see a man on Sixth Avenue

  • wearing a diaper and shooting arrows,

  • that's not Cupid.

  • [ Laughter ] That's right.

  • Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and you can tell romance is

  • in the air here in New York City.

  • Earlier today, I saw a hot dog vendor

  • cutting his health code violations into little hearts.

  • It was really sweet. [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, tomorrow, the temperatures here

  • could be as low as 17°.

  • [ Audience oohs ] That's fun, 'cause, when the mood is right,

  • what's sexier than having to take off

  • eight layers of clothes?

  • [ Laughter ] It's like, "Hold on a second.

  • Hold on. Hold on one minute.

  • These are my overwear.

  • These are my underwear, then my overwear."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Back in Washington, not everyone is in a loving mood.

  • Trump spent the morning

  • attacking Mike Bloomberg on Twitter

  • and called him a "mass of dead energy."

  • [ Laughter and oohs ]

  • When he heard that, Mike Pence was like,

  • "Hey, that's my nickname!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In response, Bloomberg tweeted at Trump and said,

  • "Behind your back" people are laughing at you.

  • Trump called it fake news, then spent the next hour trying

  • to look behind his own back.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheering ] [as Trump] Who's laughing? I can hear laughing.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Trump is actually in a lot of fights.

  • Last night, his former chief of staff John Kelly spoke

  • at an event and harshly criticized him.

  • Trump then tweeted about Kelly, saying,

  • "like so many X's, he misses the action."

  • [ Laughter and oohs ] Ew.

  • Then, all of Trump's exes were like,

  • "Trust us, we don't miss the action."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some 2020 news.

  • There's another Democratic debate next week in Las Vegas.

  • Yep, Pete Buttigieg w ill spend the week prepping,

  • while Bernie and Biden will spend three straight nights

  • at the nickel slots.

  • [ Cheering ] [as Sanders] Jackpot, 75 cents!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And I saw that the chairman of the Iowa Democratic Party

  • resigned last night.

  • He actually submitted his resignation letter in November.

  • We're just only getting the results now.

  • [ Laughter, cheering, and ohs ]

  • [ Applause ] -Okay.

  • Started there.

  • Thank you.

  • Thank you.

  • This is crazy: Amazon founder Jeff Bezos

  • just bought a house in California for $165 million.

  • [ Oohing ] The house has everything:

  • nine acres, two guest houses, a nine-hole golf course,

  • and best of all, a pretty sweet above-ground pool.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And, finally, this is going viral:

  • A photo of two mice fighting on a subway platform

  • just won a big photography award.

  • Take a look at this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The photo is so popular, they're gonna turn it

  • into a movie called

  • "Stuart Little: Fight Club Edition."

  • [ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show!

-Guys, it seems like there's

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ニューススマッシュ。民主党第一小選挙区、バレンタインデー、折り畳み電話、カールズJr.の厚切りバーガー (News Smash: Democratic Primary, Valentine's Day, Folding Phone, Carl's Jr.'s Thickburger)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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