So, I thought if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like

to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now.

Is that cool with you guys?

[ Cheers and applause ]

James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music, please?

[ Piano plays ]

-A little Valentine.

-Oh, my gosh.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, "Sonic the Hedgehog,"

for finally coming out after fans called for a redesign.

Or as the cast of "Cats" put it, "Wait, that was an option?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Meow.

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, viral photo of Trump's tan line...

[ Laughter ]

...for looking like Trump got a spray tan

while wearing a bonnet.

[ Laughter and applause ]

"Quick, I'm in a hurry."

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, hand sanitizer, for being a gel that kills germs

inside a bottle that's covered in germs.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Squirting ]

[ Fart noise ]

[ Quack ]

[ Fart noise ]

[ Piano plays ]

Thank you, McDonald's Shamrock Shakes,

for looking like someone

accidentally tossed baby Yoda in a blender.

Aw, come on, hey.

-Hey. They didn't. It's a joke.

-He's not real. -He's not real.

-He's not real. -Yoda's not real.

-He's not real.

[ Piano plays ]

Thank you, fencing,

for combining the timeless arts

of sword fighting and beekeeping.

[ Applause ]

Maybe get into that this summer.

-Beekeeping or fencing?

-Good question.

-You know what you could do?

-Well, I would say probably beekeeping.

-Right. -Just because fencing,

I use the fence for my vest I wear on romantic occasions.

-What kind of vest do you wear on a romantic occasion?

-Like a chain-link fence. Stuff like that.

But I mean, beekeeping, I think that's the thing.

-Like a apiarist? -Yeah, no. It's not a --

I'm not doing it.

-This is real. -What's that?

-This is real? You're gonna --

-Yeah, I think it's a cool thing that people are doing.

-Yeah, bee it up. -So what do you do?

You get boxes of -- and put bees in them?

Yeah, and then you use them for just honey?

-Sure. -Do you want some honey?

-Love it. Love honey.

-Tariq?

-Yep. [ Laughter ]

-Boo-whoop!

-Tariq, you want any honey if I make some?

-No, I'm good.

-Come on, dude. It's really good stuff.

-If you make some?

What do you mean if you make some?

How you gonna make honey?

[ Laughter ]

-Little do he know.

[ Laughter ]

Come over here, honey.

-Yeah.

No, but if I have bees and I --

It's like it's a cool thing, right?

-No, if you have bees, it's not gonna end well.

Cool for me, but --

[ Laughter ]

-You think I'm gonna get stung?

-Yeah.

-No, man. -No, no, no.

-What you do is you raise them

and then you become friendly with the bees.

-Yeah, yeah.

-They'd look at you like a mo-- like you're their dad.

-Yeah, a bee would never sting the hand that feeds it.

[ Light laughter ] -That's true, yeah.

What I wanna do is I raise bees. -Sure.

-They have honey, and then they go off and live their life.

-Right, they grow their own kids and they bring them back.

-Yeah, and then, I come back to the spot where the bees were

like five years later. -Right.

-A swarm comes at me.

-Right, and they go -- -And they hug me.

[ Laughter ]

Put some music on it. Throw it on YouTube.

-Yeah, it's like "Born Free," man.

-Next thing you know, I got a sitcom out of it.

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, going to a restaurant on Valentine's Day,

for a romantic night of eating two inches from another couple

eavesdropping on your conversation.

[ Laughter and applause ]

"Yes, we're talking about something."

[ Piano plays ]

Thank you, February 14th,

for being the day we've chosen to celebrate love,

right when our winter bods are hitting peak blob.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Fart noise ]

-Let me pour myself into these pants.

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, heart-shaped box of chocolates,

for being the perfect way to say,

"Girl, I was at CVS 90 seconds ago."

[ Laughter and applause ]

-This is the last one, though, right?

-What's that?

-This is the last one, then you're --

-This one right here should be the --

-Ultimate. -That was the penultimate.

-Yeah, that was the penultimate.

-The penultimate, and this is the...

-Ultimate. -...ultimate.

-Valentine's Day thank-you note, 2020.

-The martini, as they call it.

-Ooh. -Yeah.

-Nice.

-Right? -Real nice.

I've never heard that before.

-Yeah, they call it the martini shot on a program or a film

because you get the martinis ready.

After the shot, everyone has a martini.

-Oh. -What's that?

-It never happens.

-Yeah, sure. What are you talking about?

-After the martini shot, there's never any drinks.

-What are you talking about?

What if it was like a movie like the rat-pack movie?

-Yeah. -What's the rat-pack movie?

-"Ocean's Twenty." -Yeah, "Ocean's Eleven," man.

-Oh, yeah, ask them if they got drinks after the martini --

-They probably drank before the shot.

-Yeah, right? -And after.

-Nah, after, it's like, "That's a wrap.

Everybody's going home. I got bees to tend to."

[ Laughter and applause ]

-[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Piano plays, stops ]

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Piano plays ]

-Thank you, candlelight dinners, for basically saying,

"Hey, wouldn't it be romantic if I could see you less?"

There you guys have it. Those are my thank-you notes.