if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out

my weekly Thank You Notes right now.

Is that cool with you guys [ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

James, can I get some Thank Yo Note-writing music, please

♪♪♪♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪♪♪

Ah. Such a good mood all the time.

-Yeah.

♪♪♪♪

What?

♪♪♪♪

-Thank you, CDC telling people not to touch their face,

for being a great way to get millions of Americans

to want to touch their face.

It's like... "Wait. What?"

-Nyah!

♪♪♪♪

-Thank you, self-quarantinin if you feel flu-like symptoms,

or, as that's also known, Netflix and chills.

-Ahh. Come on.

Come on.

♪♪♪♪

-Thank you, Democratic candidate field

for having more drop-outs this week

than a 7:00 a.m. spin clas

the morning after St. Patrick's Day.

[ Laughter ]

[Irish accent] "I don't think can make the class, my friend.

-[Irish accent] "I'm a bit busy."

-"Yes." -"Brutal."

♪♪♪♪ -Thank you, New York City,

for cleaning the subway with bleach every three days..

or, as murderers put it, "Thanks for the heads up."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Imitating suctioning ]

♪♪♪♪

-[ Laughing evilly ]

♪♪♪♪

-Just wanna say hi.

-Achoo!

-I didn't know you were gonna do "Schwinn!"

[ Laughs ]

Going to that acting class is really paying off.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪♪♪

Thank you, New York's ban on plastic bags.

Well, well, well, I guess saving 900 plastic bags

under my kitchen sink for ten years finally paid off

♪♪♪♪

Schwinn!

[ Applause ]

♪♪♪♪

-Thank you, nail clippers,

for allowing me to cut my nail and cut a bitch.

-Ooh!

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪♪

-Schwinn! -Schwinn!

♪♪♪♪

-Thank you, daylight savin

being the time we spring forward,

for being the most positive wa of saying

"screwed out of another hour of sleep."

There you go, everybody. Those are my Thank You Notes