And I am gonna take myself on a date.

Even though I pride myself on being very like

independent and good at being alone

I realized it's been a really long time

since I've just spent some good old-fashioned time with myself.

I realized recently that I have this kind of guilt complex

around actually spending time doing nice things for myself

I feel like I always have to be working towards something else

whether that is making videos, taking photos,

doing my laundry ...

There has to be some like productivity angle to it

Or I have to be doing it with somebody else.

In the past

I've been through my fair share of tinder dates,

and honestly, I think part of the reason I found it so fun

was that it was an excuse for me to actually relax and treat myself

because like "Oh, of course

I'm gonna ,you know, spend 15, 20 bucks on dinner."

"Of course, I'm gonna take the night off "

" Of course, I'm gonna stay up till like 3:00 a.m."

Because I'm on a date with somebody.

Obviously, of course

I enjoy getting to know people too,

but I don't know, it gave me this excuse

to actually fucking relax for once.

Something I've been thinking about recently is,

I guess, feeling afraid to lose myself in a relationship.

When you spend that much time with somebody,

it can be so easy to slip into a pattern of, you know

every weekend or every free weeknight

It's kind of like reserved for that person

At every concert or movie or new restaurant that you want to try out

Also feels like it has to be experienced with that person

Of course, those things are great to experience with somebody else

but sometimes I feel like I've put my life on hold a little bit too much for a relationship

and I need to feel confident again doing stuff by myself.

Okay. So the first thing I'm gonna do and I'm aware that

this is a little bit offbeat, is going to an open house.

Do I have the intent of actually buying this house?

NO.

Do I have the money to afford a real estate in Los Angeles?

Absolutely fucking not.

But I have this kind of addiction to Zillow and every single morning,

I check all of beautiful houses that are available in LA

and just like dream about living there

So I've never been to open house before.

Honestly, I don't know whether it's rude to show up and not actually intend to buy the place but like,

I just want to see it because it's a really adorable house

and maybe like 50 years from now

I'll finally be able to afford to live there.

So yeah that's what we're doing now.

After circling outside the house for like 15 minutes trying to work up the nerve to actually go inside

I finally conquered my fear and checked the place out

Turns out I was the only person there,

which was what I was afraid of

But the real estate agent was actually really nice

and even showed me what renovations some of the neighbors had done with their similar houses

All of this is probably sounding like the weirdest (?) shit

Like, why the hell would you actually spend your Saturday looking at old houses, Ashley?

But like, I don't know, it makes me really happy.

I like looking at real estate

Okay. I just got back from the open house.

And honestly, it was kind of a fun time

cuz I'm just like a nerd for real estate and I want to learn more about it

But yeah, really not as scary as I thought.

Next I'm gonna go to a plant store

Yes, I have so many fucking plants in my apartment

I think I have over 50 at this point,

but going to this plant store is like my happy place

Sorry! Go ahead !

(kewt laugh)

This is what I want my apartment to look like one day, by the way.

Just pure unadulterated plants.

Right now, I am just sitting in a random corner of my favorite plant store.

This is Mickey Hargitay plants

I believe it's how you call it.

This is my favorite little plant shop in Hollywood

I stop by here everytime I go to Home Depot

because it's on the way

and also just other times when I'm not going to Home Depot

and I like to indulge my unhealthy obsession with buying plants

Even though I love living in LA

I think living in a city and not being around nature does end up taking its toll.

When I was growing up in Maryland,

All I wanted to do was move to a city to be surrounded by buildings.

And recently,

I went home and realized how much fucking green I was surrounded by my entire childhood

There's just forests everywhere where I grew up.

So coming here is kinda like a two-in-one :

It's my retail therapy and it's also a dose of my little natural, quiet oasis in the city

~ calm music playing ~

I've wanted a cactus for my apartment for so long , they're so adorable.

But my apartment has one north-facing window and it doesn't get any direct sunlight.

So I'm afraid my cactus would shrivel away

Honestly, it's probably for the best anyway,

because knowing how fucking clumsy I am

I would probably like trip and fall

and prick myself on my own fucking cactus (relatable)

(not gonna lie this joke cracked me up real hard)

Okay, what I actually came here to get

are some carnivorous plants,

because while I was going to New York

I think the flies like, bred in my apartment.

That is partially or completely my fault

for forgetting to wash the dishes before I left for two weeks to go to New York

and when I came back,

all of the flies were munching on my dishes.

Yes. I am incredibly bad at being a real adult (aren't we all, girl don't be so harsh on yourself)

So anyways, I'm gonna get some pitcher plants

which will hopefully eat all of my flies.

- Sorry :'))

(Ashley talking to a stranger is so ~kawaii~)

- $30.66

I always pass this store.

I think it's the most absurd thing.

It is an entire like 2,000 square foot store

that only sells ...

food for dogs !

Next I headed to The Grove,

which is an outdoor shopping mall in LA,

so bougie that they play Michael Buble all year round, even when it's not Christmas

- Yeah yeah, sure

Here's a quick peek into my fashion obsessed brain

as I shop around for shoes

So I was inspired by the shape of this funky bendy heel

I always love a good ankle strap, but I love how this heel also flares out at the bottom

Apparently I'm really into cool heel shapes nowadays

These shoes would be so cute with like tan or white socks underneath and like a corduroy skirt

if they didn't cost like ...

EIGHT HUNDRED and FORTY FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS !

I love the vintage wallpaper-esque floral lining on these shoes.

This is such a cool color combination

I love the exaggerated bows on these shoes

and oh my gosh this silhouette of these boots

I don't even know how to put it into words, but the tight ankle, the chunky heel.

I don't know

They're just such a cool silhouette.

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Welcome to my kitchen !

It is just about dinnertime

and I am one hungry hungry hippo.

Originally I was gonna go and take myself to a restaurant

because I think it's really stigmatized to eat alone at a sit-down restaurant and

I wanted to show you guys that that's totally okay to do

but honestly today I just didn't feel like eating out.

First of all,

I didn't want to spend like $25

on a meal in LA at a nice restaurant

and second of all, after I go outside for a couple hours

I kind of just want to be alone

and like recharge in the silence of my apartment.

So yeah, I'm gonna get cooking.

I'm gonna drink some wine, put on a playlist.

I decided to go for my leftover mango champagne from last night

Mmm, gourmet.

Is that an oaky undertone?

*sizzling*

*fire alarm goes : "BEEP BEEP" *

Hello and welcome to my romantic dinner for one

I have this delicious meal of chicken with vegetables

That are both just seasoned with salt and pepper

and I got real fancy and I threw on

one splash of prepackaged lemon juice

I would have done more,

but I didn't want to embarrass Gordon Ramsay by completely outdoing his chef skills ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Real talk,

can we appreciate how much this looks like the stock photo on the menus of Red Robin?

I even lit this ...

fresh linen candle, for the full effect.

Nothing says romance like the smell of laundry.

And my wine pairing with this fine, fine meal is

Charles Shaw, white zinfandel

aka two buck chuck that literally costs $2.99 from Trader Joe's ,

which is the closest I can get to alcoholic capri-sun

my drink of choice

So I thought, over dinner, we might wanna get to know each other a little bit, you know

so all today I kind of been thinking about

relationships and my relationship with myself.

You know, I feel like it's such a prevalent idea in media and movies and TV shows

that it's not okay to be alone, especially as a woman.

I know that idea is so outdated

and we all know that we do not need no man

But sometimes I doubt whether we actually believe that, you know.

It's like, "Oh you don't need a man

but you should be panicked

if you're over 30 and you haven't married and settled down and have kids yet

because then what is the fucking point of your body

if it can't produce children anymore.

I don't know. It just sucks that...

I feel like women are taught that we're less valuable on our own.

In high school, I was very very focused on getting good grades and getting into a college,

but once I got to college,

I honestly have been kind of boy-crazy for the past like three years.

Part of it was just not having that many friends in college

so Tinder has always been like a really easy way for me to meet people.

And part of it was,

even at the age of 18, when I was a freshman in college,

feeling like my clock was running out

and feeling this panic that

"Oh, if I don't meet anybody in college, that's where people meet each other

I'm already in college

I already should be dating somebody

and if I can't date somebody at 18 then who the fuck would ever marry me :'( "

You know even at 21 now,

I can't help feeling like I only have a certain number of good years

you know before I need to settle down and find the one

I think part of what's really harmful is the way that

this like, dance of dating and marriage is phrased as if a woman has to like trick a guy into marrying her

or like hunt one down.

Because it's so rare that a guy would want to marry you instead of just fuck you

You know, and I really used to buy into that.

You know, I was so excited to date ..

anyone,

just to go on a date.

Because I felt like, by default,

by being myself, I guess, that I wasn't worthy of other people's love or attention and

if somebody gave me a chance

then I was lucky to have it.

I don't know, realizing that you're worthy of love

can take a long time.

I think I'm still getting there but

Okay, anyways, I'm gonna eat my dinner now

Hey guys, it is the evening

and I am going to the Bank of California Stadium

Which means...

NO I am NOT watching a football game.

I'm watching a Mumford & Sons concert,

like the hipster piece of trash that I am. Oh, yes.

I've only gone to three concerts in my entire life,

and this is gonna be my third one, so

I'm very very very excited.

Fun story about buying these tickets, actually,