WELCOME TO A NEW DECADE.

THIS IS OUR FIRST SHOW OF 2020.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.

IT'S BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTED

TO IMPEACH PRESIDENT TRUMP.

AND SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI STILL HAS NOT TAKEN THE NEXT STEP OF

DELIVERING THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE SENATE.

I MEAN I THOUGHT WE TOOK A LONG HOLIDAY BREAK.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

(LAUGHTER) IT HAS TAKEN FOUR WEEKS TO GET

THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT DELIVERED.

BUT IS IF THEY PAID EXTRA FOR IMPEACHMENT PRIME, THEY COULD

HAVE GOTTEN IT, FREE TWO-DAY SHIPPING, YOU KNOW.

(APPLAUSE) YOU'RE VERY SWEET, YOU ARE A HE

VERY SWEET.

EVEN YOU KNEW THAT JOKE WASN'T WORTH THAT ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

(LAUGHTER) THERE IS A GUY OVER THERE LIKE,

ARE WE DOING THIS?

ALL RIGHT.

NOW THE SENATE MAY NOT CONVICT TRUMP IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL

BUT NANCY PELOSI SAID YESTERDAY THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN

THE SENATE, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN QUOTE IMPEACHED FOR LIFE.

SO ALTHOUGH HE WON'T FACE ANY REAL CONSEQUENCES, IT AT LEAST

SOUNDS LIKE HE WILL, YOU KNOW?

IMPEACHED FOR LIFE.

THAT IS LIKE A PUNISHMENT, MORE LIKE A BAD TATTOO YOU GET ON

SPRING BREAK.

(LAUGHTER) I'M IMPEACHED FOR LIFE, MAN.

THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED TO NANCY PELL OSI'S COMMENT WITH A TWEET,

HE WROTE WHY SHOULD I HAVE THE SPHIG MA OF IMPEACHMENT ATTACHED

TO MY NAME WHEN I DID ALL CAPS NOTHING WRONG.

AND WE KNOW HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH BECAUSE HE WROTE IT IN ALL

CAPS.

IT SEEMS ODD THAT TRUMP'S WORRD ABOUT PEOPLE ASSOCIATING

THE STIGMA OF IMPEACHMENT WITH HIS NAME WHEN PEOPLE ALREADY

ASSOCIATE THE STIGMA OF THREE MARRIAGES, SIX BANKRUPTCIES AND

THESE TWO WITH HIS NAME.

THE PRESIDENT-- (APPLAUSE)

THE PRESIDENT HAS SINCE DELETED THAT TWEET BECAUSE IT HAD A

TYPO.

HE REFERRED TO HOUSE REPUBLICANS AS, TAKE A LOOK, HOSE

REPUBLICANS.

(LAUGHTER) IN RESPONSE THE WHITE HOSE HAD

NO COMMENT.

THIS FLIES IN THE FACE OF TRUMP'S LONG-STANDING POLICY,

BROS REPUBLICANS BEFORE HOSE REPUBLICANS.

(LAUGHTER) MOVING ON, ACCORDING TO I ANEW

RESEARCH STUDY, 88% OF AMERICANS FEEL A SENSE OF DESCRED AS THE

WEEKEND WINDS DOWN AND THEY THINK ABOUT GOING TO WORK ON

MONDAY.

THIS STUDY CALLED THIS FEELING THE SUNDAY SCARIES.

YES.

DID WE NEED THIS STUDY?

(LAUGHTER) DID ANYBODY ASK FOR THIS?

IMAGINE BEI THE RESEARCHER WHO WENT T SCHOOL FOR SEVEN YEARS

AND YOUR LIFE'S WORK IS TO PROVE THAT PEOPLE PREFER DRINKING BEER

AND WATCHING FOOTBALL OVER GOING TO WORK ON MONDAY.

88% OF AMERICANS FEEL DREAD ABOUT STARTING WORK ON SUNDAY

AFTERNOON.

WELL, 88% OF AMERICANS AND ONE ENGLISH TALK SHOW HOST.

AND FINALLY, DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS STORY, A 130 YEAR OLD GIANT

TORTOISE WAS RETURNED TO THE WILD AFTER PARTICIPATING IN A

BREEDING PROGRAM WHERE HE HAD SO MUCH SEX HE SINGLE HANDEDLY

SAVED HIS SPECIES.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HIS NAME IS DIE.

HERE HE IS HERE, LOOK AT HIM.

DIEGO, IN 30 YEARSES DIEGO SLEPT WITH 800 TORTOISES.

IS THAT INCREDIBLE?

I'M 40, I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH SIX TORTOISES.

THEY BROUGHT HIM INTO INN TO MATE WITH THE OTHER TORTOISE,

THIS IS THE ONLY JOB WHERE YOU DON'T GET THE SUNDAY SCARIES AT

THE END OF THE WEEKEND.

WHAT AM I DOING TOMORROW, LET'S SEE WHAT I HAVE GOT.

YES!