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  • -I am pumped because this Sunday,

  • we're celebrating International Women's Day, y'all!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Whoo!

  • Now, don't worry -- you don't have to remember

  • to go out and get anyone flowers.

  • You just have to remember to go out and fight

  • for equal pay for women in the workplace.

  • Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I think it's by the check-out at CVS.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now, I know there are guys out there thinking,

  • [ Scoffs ] "International Women's Day?

  • Why don't we have an International Men's Day?"

  • [ Laughter ] God bless you, Twitter.

  • Well, you're in luck because you do.

  • It's actually on November 19th.

  • But you wouldn't know that because you're too busy

  • celebrating it every other day of the year.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Mm-hmm.

  • Also, fun fact --

  • November 19th is also International Toilet Day.

  • [ Laughter ] Now, I'm not --

  • I'm not saying men are toilets, but both holidays

  • are mostly catered towards a bunch of white Johns.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I feel like not enough people

  • know about International Women's Day.

  • I remember I asked one guy if he knew what IWD, is and he said,

  • "Yeah, can you believe George Bush lied about them

  • being in Iraq?" [ Laughter ]

  • What is you talking about?

  • According to Wikipedia, International Women's Day

  • is only an official holiday in 26 countries,

  • and -- wait for it -- the U.S. is not one of them.

  • [ Audience "Oohs" ] That's right.

  • Essentially, it's the difference between how I'm treated

  • on this show and how I'm treated

  • when I try to get a drink at a bar.

  • [ Light laughter ] Seriously, what's up, America?

  • You can't give an official holiday to women,

  • but you can give one to a murderer named Christopher

  • who dressed like this?

  • [ Laughter and applause ] Come on!

  • Come on! [ Applause ]

  • Now, the cause I like to focus on most

  • for International Women's Day is education,

  • because there are 131 million girls

  • not being educated around the world.

  • And based on how long it takes me to calculate a tip

  • on a check, Canada didn't do a great job, either.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Educating women shouldn't just be a female issue,

  • because it actually helps everyone.

  • And that's not my opinion, that is a fact.

  • [ Cheers ] That's right.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] One prominent economist

  • even said, "Investment in the education of girls

  • may be the highest return investment

  • available in the developing world."

  • And even the haters can believe it,

  • because that quote was said by a man.

  • Thank you very much. [ Applause ]

  • Yeah.

  • In fact, y'all, not teaching girls

  • is literally costing countries trillions of dollars.

  • You don't need to understand economics

  • to know that that's stupid. [ Laughter ]

  • Which is good because, again,

  • 131 million girls aren't in school!

  • Wake up! Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • We got to do something about that.

  • Now, another important issue to talk about is maternity leave.

  • Did you know -- this is true, y'all --

  • the U.S. is the only first world country

  • that doesn't have guaranteed maternity leave?

  • Yeah.

  • A woman can send a human life blasting through her vagina...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...during 30 hours of traumatic labor,

  • and our government is like, "Wow.

  • I would've used my vacation days for golf, but you do you."

  • [ Laughter ] Come on! That's whack!

  • And, yes, I just -- I need to say this is a fact, again.

  • There is a wage gap between women and men in the workplace.

  • It is a complicated issue that's tied up in

  • what jobs women can get, bias against working mothers,

  • and straight up just pay discrimination.

  • It's also inseparable from even more severe

  • racial and disability pay gaps.

  • But to fight it, it's important to share your salaries.

  • So I reached out to all the other female broadcast

  • late-night hosts... [ Laughter ]

  • ...and there weren't any, so...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Perhaps a bigger problem? [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That's right. Where you at?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It's lonely out here!

  • Now, one thing I'm proud of is that I actually employ

  • a lot of women on this show.

  • In fact, half of my writers are women!

  • Yes! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Now, I know it sounds really impressive,

  • but, technically, that's only three people

  • because our budget is very small, but still good!

  • Still good! [ Laughter ]

  • And I'm so grateful to all the women

  • who fought for our right to vote.

  • They struggled to benefit future generations, y'all.

  • It's like how people went to Fyre Fest

  • so we wouldn't have to. [ Laughter ]

  • And, you know, the conversation always has to involve men.

  • Shout-out to the dudes who support women.

  • Like Terry Crews, who had the bravery

  • to add his story to the #MeToo movement.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Round of applause.

  • Actor Alan Alda, who's been a feminist

  • since that word was used as an insult,

  • and, Channing Tatum, who really supported straight and bi women

  • with his important work in "Magic Mike."

  • Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • No, but for real, happy International Women's Day.

  • Women are smart, strong, and capable.

  • And tonight, my audience is filled

  • exclusively with those women, y'all!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

-I am pumped because this Sunday,

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リリーが国際女性デーを祝う (Lilly Celebrates International Women's Day)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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