Where are you going after this?

I was just meeting a girlfriend.

I wanted to impress her.

Really?

You did this for me?

I did!

Well, you look beautiful.

I certainly don't wear things like this at home.

No?

No.

No, that's why I thought you were going somewhere

after this.

No, just going to a rock-climbing gym with my kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, true story.

And do you climb the rocks, as well?

I do not, no.

No, I'm afraid of back and neck injuries, whereas they are not.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the thing about children.

I know.

And are they hooked up to a harness of some sort?

Nope.

And that seems fine to you?

Yeah, they can't-- they're not nimble enough to get high

enough to where they'd actually have an injury.

And it's a little padded.

I see.

I see.

I've never been to one of those things.

They look fun.

And it looks like a fun thing for kids to do.

They're pretty cool, yeah.

Yeah, can I ask what happened to your child's head

in this picture?

I saw a picture of--

which child is this, by the way?

I don't know her name.

Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy.

That is the back of my youngest daughter's head.

And the story behind that--

What's her name?

Delta.

Delta, and Delta is how old?

Five.

Five.

She just turned five.

So she has this intense obsession

with bathing with her stuffies.

She likes to take all of her stuffed animals

into the bathtub.

And it's like, in my head, I'm like, well,

it's a cool sensory thing.

I'm going to let her do it.

But she role plays with them.

And so she wants me to leave the room.

And now that she's five, I'm like, OK,

I can start to make dinner.

I mean, it's this much water in the bathtub.

So she's in there.

And then I go to get her out.

And I pull her out.

I go, oh, I don't think you got the conditioner out

of your hair.

And she says, no, I did.

I rinsed it.

And then, 10 minutes later, as I'm putting her pajamas on,

I'm like, what did you use?

And she was like, the Vaseline!

First of all, is that the entire tub of Vaseline?

It was quite a bit of the Vaseline.

And why did she think that was-- why was that in her reach?

Because her mother left her alone in the bathroom.

And she likes sensory play.

And how you get it out is this.

It was three rounds of Hello Bello shampoo, one round

of clarifying shampoo, two rounds of dish soap,

and then we still had to wait four days because none of that

worked.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, because Dawn is what they use when animals, the bird,

get oil spills, and all that.

Yes.

So you'd think Dawn would do that.

I thought-- it did cut the grease.

Delta Dawn.

How about that? (SINGING) Delta Dawn what's

that flower-- (SPEAKING) what?

[APPLAUSE]

It cut the grease a little bit.

No, I mean, yeah, I like Dawn.

It worked a little bit.

Wow.

Well, I'm sure it was somewhat combed out after that.

No, we didn't touch it.

I mean, who's she got to impress?

That's true.

That's true.

Start saving for therapy now.

And then I love that you, of course, rescue dogs.

And you have you have a one-eyed dog.

I do.

That's so cute.

Barb.

Barbara!

Look at that!

Barbara Biscuits, she's going to turn 12 this year.

We got her last year.

And you know, she's just a hot mess.

Dax calls her the old dirty golf rag.

Because that's what she looks like.

She is--

She looks like she has Vaseline in her hair right now.

Yes.

Well, you you what?

This was-- she walked right into the pool.

Oh, no.

Because she's blind in this eye.

And this eye only has 20% sight.

But none of it involves the edge of the pool.

Well, thank God somebody was there to catch her.

Yes.

And I scooped her right up.

But she's--

Because you're not looking good as a mom or a pet owner

right now.

[LAUGHTER]

Whoa!

The results are in!

No, I take wonderful care of her.

And I deal with all of her-- you know,

senior dogs are my favorite.

Yeah, to rescue a senior dog is the best thing.

That's so sweet that you did that.

Yeah, despite how much she puts us through.

Because she doesn't-- she came at 11 years old.

And there's no really training a dog like that.

Also, I think she has a really tiny brain.

So it's not going to work.

But she hasn't figured out that going outside

is where you go to the bathroom.

Or maybe she has and she just doesn't enjoy it.

But I will leave her outside for five hours.

She'll be on the porch, in the yard.

And then she'll run right inside and pee on the kitchen bath

mat, the kitchen mat.

It's like she's standing outside the door going,

let me in, let me in, I got to pee, I got to pee, let me in,

ooh, let me in.

Because she will only pee on the mat in the kitchen.

Wow.

Well, have you tried putting the mat outside?

I have!

When I wash it, and then I dry it outside, no interest.

Wow.

Because you can simulate-- you can

build a kitchen-looking thing outside in the yard

with the mat so she thinks that is the kitchen.

You have enough money to do that.

You can do that.

I guess I could.

I never thought about that as a solution.

Think about it.

Think about it.

I wanted you to tell this story.

Because I heard about it this morning,

it's hilarious, about your mother--

Dax flirting with your mother.

She was coming in town.

And sends him a text, like, be there by 11:00,

and then sends something else that says,

can't wait to see you tonight.

And he meant to respond smiley face, smiley face smiley face.

And instead, he responds eggplant, eggplant, eggplant.

[LAUGHTER]

And when he did it, he went, huh, oh, no!

I made a huge mistake!

And I was like, what?

And he shows me the phone.

And by the way, the minute you involve an eggplant emoji,

the whole story changes.

Because now, it reads, I'll be there at 11:00

can't wait to see tonight.

Which is not how the original texts read,

or what she intended!

But thankfully, she didn't know what an eggplant emoji was.

She does now.

All right, we have to take a break.

More with Kristen after this.