THE BOARD, LADIES. NAME

SOMETHING GRANDPA HAS DREAMS OF

JUDGE JUDY DOING TO HIM.

JANETTE: GIVING HIM A DIVORCE.

STEVE: GIVING HIM A DIVORCE.

[BUZZER]

KATHY: UM.

[BUZZER]

STEVE: MS. THELMA.

THELMA: HAVING SEX.

[LAUGHTER]

STEVE: HAVING SEX.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JOE?

JOE: MAKE HIM DINNER.

STEVE: MAKE HIM DINNER. THANK

YOU, JOE.

[LAUGHTER]

MAKE HIM DINNER.

[BUZZER]

JANETTE: OH!

STEVE: PASS OR PLAY?

FAMILY: PLAY, PLAY, PLAY!

JANETTE: WE'RE GONNA PLAY,

STEVE.

STEVE: WE'RE GONNA PLAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JANETTE, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR

A LIVING?

JANETTE: WELL, I'M A SALES

MANAGER FOR SCI, SERVICES

CORPORATION INTERNATIONAL. WE'RE

THE LARGEST DEATH CARE PROVIDERS

IN NORTH AMERICA.

STEVE: DEATH CARE?

JANETTE: YES.

STEVE: WHAT YOU MEAN?

JANETTE: I MEAN--I MEAN CEMETERY

AND MORTUARY ARRANGEMENTS AND

PRE-ARRANGEMENTS. WE ASSIST

FAMILIES WHO'VE HAD A LOSS. AND

MORE IMPORTANTLY, STEVE--STEVE,

STEVE, STEVE.

STEVE: I DON'T--I DON'T--I

DON'T...

JANETTE: MORE--MORE...MORE

IMPORTANTLY, WE HELP THEM

PRE-PLAN, STEVE.

STEVE: NO, I DON'T WANT YOU

PRE-PLANNING NOTHING. I AIN'T

ASKED FOR THAT.

JANETTE: BUT, STEVE--

STEVE: DIDN'T YOU SEE ME WALK

OFF?

JANETTE: STEVE.

STEVE: I DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE

LIKE YOU.

JANETTE: BUT WE ALL HAVE AN

APPOINTMENT, STEVE.

STEVE: NO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN

IT IS.

JANETTE: I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT

IS, BUT WE GOT TO BE READY AT

ALL TIMES, RIGHT?

STEVE: WHAT YOU MEAN? WHO IS

YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU PRESIDENT

OF THE DAMN DEATH CLUB?

JANETTE: I'M JUST A MESSENGER.

I'M THE MESSENGER, STEVE.

STEVE: YOU'RE NOT A MESSENGER.

JANETTE: OH, STEVE.

STEVE: YOU JUST WORK DOWN THERE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY ON COMMISSION.

JANETTE: OH, STEVE.

STEVE: SELLING PLOTS AND

FUNERALS AND CASKET FABRICS AND

ALL THAT.

JANETTE: STEVE!

STEVE: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT

MY CASKET LOOK LIKE. HELL, I

AIN'T GONNA SEE IT.

JANETTE: STEVE, IT'S FOR YOUR

PROTECTION.

STEVE: I'M DEAD.

HOW ARE YOU PROTECTING PEOPLE

WHO ARE DEAD? YOU DIE SO YOU CAN

BE WORRY-FREE.

JANETTE: BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO

LEAVE YOUR FAMILY WITH WORRIES.

STEVE: MAN.

JANETTE: HEY, STEVE, IT'S A

TOUGH JOB, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO

DO IT, HUH?

STEVE: AIN'T NOBODY WANT TO HEAR

YOUR SLOGAN.

[LAUGHTER]

MS. THELMA, WHAT DO YOU DO?

THELMA: YES. NOTHING.

STEVE: SHE SAID, "YES. NOTHING."

THAT'S WHAT A--THIS WHERE I'M

TRYING TO GET TO RIGHT HERE.

MS. THELMA? YES. WHAT DO YOU

DO? NOTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

THELMA: UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO

TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF.

HA HA HA! STEVE, I DID.

STEVE: MS. THELMA, WHAT? WHAT'S

GOING ON?

THELMA: NO. I TURNED 72, AND I

LIVED IN VEGAS.

STEVE: OK.

THELMA: SO THEN SOMEONE ASKED,

"DO YOU WANT TO DO A NUDE POSE?"

I SAID, "SURE." "COME AND

AUDITION FOR THE BOOK." SO I

SAID OK. OF COURSE, I THOUGHT I

WASN'T GONNA MAKE IT. I WAS 72

YEARS OLD. TWO DAYS LATER, THEY

CALLED ME AND SAID, "WE WANT YOU

TO COME DOWN. YOU MADE THE BOOK.

WE WANT YOU TO DO SOME NUDE

POSES FOR 'TIMELESS BEAUTY.'"

JANETTE: TIMELESS BEAUTY.

THELMA: AND HERE I AM.

STEVE: WOW. YOU DID ALL THAT

AFTER 70?

THELMA: LIFE BEGINS AT 70.

COME ON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

STEVE: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. ALL

RIGHT, LET'S PLAY. CAR--

CARRERA: CARRERA.

STEVE: CARRERA.

CARRERA: MM-HMM.

STEVE: OH, LIKE THE CAR.

CARRERA: YES.

STEVE: OH, OK, GOOD. NAME

SOMETHING GRANDPA HAS DREAMS OF

JUDGE JUDY DOING TO HIM.

CARRERA: TELLING HIM TO GO TO

JAIL.

STEVE: TELL HIM TO GO TO JAIL.

JANETTE: GOOD ANSWER, GOOD

ANSWER.

YEAH!

CARRERA: PULLED THAT OUT OF

NOWHERE.

STEVE: YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S

UP THERE.

CARRERA: NO.

STEVE: GO TO JAIL. MS. BEVERLY,

NAME SOMETHING GRANDPA HAS

DREAMS OF JUDGE JUDY DOING TO

HIM.

BEVERLY: TELLING HIM HE'S FIRED.

STEVE: TELL HIM HE'S FIRED.

[BUZZER]

ALL RIGHT, WILL, WE GOT ONE

STRIKE. NAME SOMETHING GRANDPA

HAS DREAMS OF JUDGE JUDY DOING

TO HIM.

WILL: BATHING HIM.

STEVE: BATH...

BATHING HIM.

[BUZZER]

COME ON, JUDGE.

JANETTE, NAME SOMETHING--GOT TWO

STRIKES. GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

LANDGRAF FAMILY CAN STEAL.

SOMETHING GRANDPA HAS DREAMS OF

JUDGE JUDY DOING TO HIM.

JANETTE: BURYING HIM, STEVE.

[LAUGHTER]

WILL: OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

GOOD ANSWER, GOOD ANSWER, GOOD

ANSWER. GOOD ANSWER.

JANETTE: HE'S GRANDPA, HE'S

AGING.

STEVE: HUH?

JANETTE: HE'S GRANDPA, HE'S

AGING.

STEVE: YEAH, HE'S AGING.

WILL: WHERE YOU GOING, STEVE?

STEVE: I'M GOING OVER HERE.

HELL, WHAT YOU THINK? AIN'T

NOBODY SAYING THIS BUT HER.

AIN'T NO DAMN GRANDPA WANT JUDGE

JUDY TO BURY HIM. BURY HIM. HERE

I COME, BOYS.

[BUZZER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NAME SOMETHING GRANDPA HAS

DREAMS OF JUDGE JUDY DOING TO

HIM.

KATHY: SPANK HIM.

STEVE: SPANK HIM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NUMBER 7.

AUDIENCE: "GO TO MY CHAMBERS."

STEVE: 6.

AUDIENCE: HANDCUFF HIM.

STEVE: 5.

AUDIENCE: FIND HIS FAVOR.

STEVE: NUMBER ONE.