they're talking faster, their answers are getting shorter, and they might actually even start shutting down.

And in your head, you think...

Uh-oh. They're getting defensive.

What do you do?

First, let's start with what you don't do.

You don't tell somebody you perceive as getting defensive, "You are getting defensive!"

You will thank me later.

Instead, I want you to take time to test the assumption you're making.

What you might perceive as them getting defensive might be how they respond when they're

humiliated, or disappointed in themselves.

And if you have to address the behaviors because of the situation or the relationship,

then I encourage you to use observational statements about the behaviors,

not your interpretations of the behaviors.

For example: You might say...

...or you might say...

We want to make an observational statement and then give them space to respond,

so we can hear their side of the story.

By getting curious with them, not only do you better understand the situation,

but the act of listening will start to calm down that stress response.

Here's your challenge:

The next time that you perceive someone's getting defensive, I want you to

test your assumptions and get curious with them. You might just discover something new.

And remember, play fully brave!