From the studio who sounds like they picked

three random words out of a hat

comes a franchise based on the books you never read,

a sequel to the game you never played

and a follow-up to the game you heard was

really, really good and scrambled to finish before

this one came out.

Come on, I know you did!

THE WITCHER 3 WILD HUNT

Journey to an overwhelmingly vast

and Polish land

where Gerald is Geralt,

Jennifer is Yennefer

and the locals are covered in charming

Eastern European prison tattoos.

Become a witcher,

which is confusingly different from being a witch

or a witch hunter

but is basically just a fancy orchardman

(Geralt) "...slayer in the largest city... looking for rat sh*t.

Sheesh."

Thrill as you haggle with dirt poor villagers over

how much it will cost to

save them from unspeakable horrors

then rob their crumbling shanties blind

once they've paid up.

Ooh-hooh! Goat hide!

It's the second most dangerous

profession in the kingdom

right behind bouncer trying to keep you

from entering a building.

(Bouncer) Cock a doodle do, what am I to do?

Sh*t myself?

(Geralt) All right!

(my bad, bro)

Take control of Geralt,

a whirling dance of death while in combat

and an impossible to control spaz

when you're trying to open a chest

or pick some flowers.

(DAMMIT Geralt, just pick the Celandine)

Use his finely tuned Witcher Senses

to locate stuff you can

EASILY find with your normal senses, like:

blood stains,

dead bodies

and shoes (really?)

Just check your mini-map, dude!

Get ready for the Monster Hunter game

Capcom wishes they made

as you take down griffins,

trolls

and wraiths in epic fun-to-play battles

after hours of tedious potion, oil and spell preparation

that's as fun as making

lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet

(Lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet)

Set out on an epic quest to save Ciri,

a princess who's always in another castle,

full of tough moral choices that

will result in innocent deaths

NO MATTER which option you pick!

Like Game of Thrones if it were a

"choose your own adventure" book

then completely ignore the main quest

as you take on more pressing matters like:

escorting a goat,

snowball fighting

and helping an old woman find her missing...

pan! (What?)

(Old Woman) "Found the pan, have ya?"

Dammit, I'm a Witcher, not a panner!

STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!

But it will all be worth it when you finally take on

the Swedish death metal album art known

as the Wild Hunt

in an ending so final in its endingness,

gamers will unanimously agree

that's totally how the game ends!

Yeah, uh, we haven't beaten it either!

(Eskel) "Sommon the b*tches"

Role-play as man who's not just a freak,

but also a SUPER freak,

(Rick James - Super Freak)

as the latest installment of this x-rated dating sim.

doesn't disappoint, full of:

boobs,

Boobs,

BOOBS

and

dangly old water hag boobs.

KILL IT! KILL WITH IGNI!

The developer heard you liked games

so they put a game in your game

so you can game while you game

with Gwent:

a card game featuring images of characters

from the game you are currently playing

outside of that card game.

GAMECEPTION!

(Inception OST)

So dive into a franchise whose biggest flaw

is having to quit your job or drop out of school

to experience it all,

from the beard-growing physics,

to the beautifully rendered areolas,

to the stunning vistas that will

absolutely take your breath -

Oh no! I haven't saved in like FOUR HOURS!

Starring:

The Guy with Two Swords 3: Helen Hunt

Anyone else noticed that Roach is basically

a teleporting demon horse?

(Chills and creepes)