THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCHED THE

DEBATE EARLIER TONIGHT HERE ON

ABC AND FORGOT TO TURN THE

TELEVISION OFF, THANK YOU FOR

JOINING US.

YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE WATCHED THE

THIRD DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS

TIME FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS.

IT WAS EXCITING, YOU KNOW, WATCH

BEING THE CANDIDATE THE TACKLE

ISSUES IS AS CLOSE AS WE GET TO

FOOTBALL.

THEY ALL TRIED TO STAND OUT AND

AVOID BEING ELIMINATED UNDER

EXTREME TIME PRESSURE IN A

TELEVISED EVENT.

NOW LET'S PUT 45 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND GO.

THIS WAS A LARGE CAST OF

CHARACTERS.

TO HELP VIEWER KEEP TRACK OF WHO

WAS WHO, ABC DID SOMETHING

SPECIAL.

♪ THE ELECTION IS QUICKLY

APPROACHING ♪

♪ AND WE'VE GOT DECISIONS TO

MAKE ♪

♪ WITH SO MANY PEOPLE TO CHOOSE

FROM ♪

♪ WE DON'T WANT TO MAKE A

MISTAKE ♪

♪ WE CAN ONLY SEND ONE TO THE

WHITE HOUSE ♪

♪ AND THE OTHERS WILL HAVE TO GO

HOME ♪

♪ DEMS THE BREAKS ♪

♪ YEAH, DEMS THE BREAKS ♪

♪ WHOEVER GOES HOME WILL SAY

DEMS THE BREAKS ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jimmy: I WOULDN'T WATCH THAT

SHOW.

IT IS WEIRD THAT THEY PUT TEN

CANDIDATES ON THE STAGE.

HERE'S HOW, I'D PUT THE FOUR

FRONT RUNNERS AT THE CENTER OF

THE STAGE AND LET THE OTHER SIX

DANGLE OFF THE STAGE BY THEIR

FINGERTIPS.

MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG WAS UP WAY

PAST HIS BEDTIME.

HE ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE

DEBATE.

YOU CAN SEE HE GOT STUCK IN THE

CLAW MACHINE AT THE DAVE AND

BUSTERS AT THE BAY BROOK MALL,

BUT HIS MOTHER WAS ABLE TO FISH

HIM OUT.

THE MODERATORS TONIGHT WERE

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, DAVID

MUIR AND JORGE RAMOS.

THEY HIT THE CANDIDATES WITH ALL

THE TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, IF

ELECTED, HOW DO WE KNOW YOU

WON'T LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL

THE TIME AND DRAW ON WEATHER

MAPS WITH A SHARPIE, AND THEY

ANSWERED THOSE QUESTIONS WELL.

YOU CAN BET ON THE EVENTS OF THE

DEBATE.

THESE ARE ARE WWHAT THEY CALL P

BETS.

CAN YOU BET, WILL JOE BIDEN HAVE

A GAFFE THAT TRENDS ON TWITTER.

YOU BET $100, YOU GET $200 IF IT

WAS YES.

$300 FOR NO.

THE ANSWER WAS NO.

HOW MANY TIMES WILL JOE BIDEN

MENTION OBAMA, OVER/UNDER ONE

AND A HALF TIMES.

THAT WENT OVER.

IT WAS TWO.

TIMES DONALD TRUMP WILL TWEET

DURING THE DEBATE.

IT WAS UNDER.

HE WAS BUSY.

WILL BETO O'ROURKE SPEAK SPANISH

DURING THE DEBATE.

HE DID.

WILL JOE BIDEN CHOKE ON HIS

TEETH DURING THE DEBATE.

HE ACTUALLY DID.

JOE BIDEN DID, HE DID WELL

TONIGHT.

HE WAS FACING THE RIGHT

DIRECTION.

HIS PANTS WERE ON.

IT WAS, IT WAS A GOOD OUTING FOR

HIM.

YOU KNOW, THERE WERE THREE WOMEN

ON STAGE.

IF ANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE

ELECTED, IT WOULD BE HISTORIC,

AND IF, IF BERNIE OR BIDEN WERE

TO WIN, IT WOULD BE PREHISTORIC.

BUT BERNIE WAS --

[ APPLAUSE ]

BECAUSE HE'S SO OLD IS WHAT I'M

SAYING.

THEIR AGE.

BERNIE WAS VERY BERNIE TONIGHT.

HE CAME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE

YELLING.

HIS VOICE WAS CRAZY.

IT SOUNDED LIKE HE SWALLOWED A

FROG.

HE WAS SCREAMING LOUDER THAN CAM

NEWTON AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE.

HE GAVE A STRONG WARNING TO

GIVING AMERICANS AFFORDABLE

THROAT LOZENGES.

>> IN THE UNITED STATES OF

AMERICA, WE ARE SPENDING TWICE

AS MUCH PER CAPITA ON HEALTH

CARE AS THE CANADIANS OR ANY

OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY ON EARTH.

>> Jimmy: HE HAD HIS TURN SIGNAL

ON FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THIS WAS THE FIRST DEBATE WHERE

JOE BIDEN AND ELIZABETH WARREN

WERE ON STAGE TOGETHER.

THEY'VE BEEN DESCRIBED AS

FRENEMIES.

IT'S A WEIRD SITUATION.

ELIZABETH WARREN IS THE

CANDIDATE MOST DEMOCRATS SAY

THEY'D LIKE TO VOTE FOR, BUT THE

MAJORITY OF DEMOCRATS THINK JOE

BIDEN IS THE GUY THE COUNTRY

WOULD VOTE FOR.

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA

TO TRY TO GUESS WHAT OTHER

PEOPLE WANT.

THAT'S HOW YOU WIND UP EATING AT

GOLDEN CORRAL.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO COME

HERE.

MOST OF WHAT HAS THE DEMOCRATS

WORRIED IS AFTER HILLARY, WILL

ANOTHER FEMALE CANDIDATE BE ABLE

TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP?

WILL IT BE TOO RISKY?

I THINK A FEMALE HAS A BETTER

CHANCE AGAINST TRUMP, ESPECIALLY

IN A DEBATE.

WOMEN ARE MUCH BETTER AT

HANDLING BABIES THAN MEN.

IT'S A BIOLOGICAL FACT.

SOME MADE WAVES, MOST NOTABLY,

THE BUSINESSMAN, ANDREW YANG.

HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER SAID HE'D

BE DOING SOMETHING NO

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HAS EVER

DONE BEFORE, WHICH IS EXCITING

TO HEAR, BECAUSE THERE CAN BE SO

MANY THINGS.

MAYBE HE WAS PLANNING TO EAT A

TIDE POD ON CAMERA.

OR RIDE IN ON AN OSTRICH.

WHO KNOWS.

BUT ANDREW YANG DID NONE OF

THOSE THINGS.

INSTEAD, HE GAVE AWAY CASH.

>> I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING

UNPRECEDENTED TONIGHT.

MY CAMPAIGN WILL NOW GIVE A

FREEDOM DIVIDEND OF $1,000 A

MONTH FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR TO TEN

AMERICAN FAMILIES.

SOMEONE WATCHING THIS AT HOME

RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU BELIEVE THAT CAN YOU

SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS BETTER

THAN ANY POLITICIAN, GO TO

YANG2020.COM AND TELL US HOW

$1,000 A MONTH WILL HELP YOU DO

JUST THAT.

>> Jimmy: LIKE A RADIO STATION

CONTEST.

THIS THOUSAND DOLLAR THURSDAY.

THAT MAY BE THE MOST RIDICULOUS

PROPOSAL I'VE SEEN ON THIS

NETWORK, AND I'VE WATCHED EVERY

EPISODE OF THE BACHELORETTE.

HE ALSO HAD FUN WHEN HE TOOK THE

STAGE TONIGHT.

>> ENTREPRENEUR ANDREW

YANG.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: I'D LIKE TO SEE JOE

BIDEN DO THAT.

SOME OF THE CANDIDATES WENT

AFTER JOE BIDEN, LIKE HE WAS

SOME KIND OF DEAD BEAT DAD ON

THE MAURY POVICH SHOW.

JULIAN CASTRO IN PARTICULAR.

THERE WAS ONE MOMENT WHEN CASTRO

LASHED OUT AT BIDEN FOR

FORGETTING SOMETHING, WHICH HE

DIDN'T FORGET, BY THE WAY, AND

BERNIE APPEARED TO LEAN OVER AND

HELP JOE OUT.

IT WAS KIND OF ENDEARING.

IT MADE ME HOPEFUL FOR A REBOOT

OF GRUMPY OLD MEN.

B

BETO O'ROURKE HAD A BETTER

NIGHT.

O

HE LOOKS LIKE THE HIGH SCHOOL

TEACHER YOU KNOW HAS WEED IN HIS

DESK.

HE CALLED DONALD TRUMP A WHITE

SUPREMACIST AND ANNOUNCED A PLAN

FOR A REPARATIONS BILL AND A NEW

MADEA MOVIE BY THE END OF THE

YEAR.

CORY BOOKER WAS THE ONLY

UNMARRIED CANDIDATE IN THE

DEBATE.

THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING, A

SINGLE PRESIDENT.

YOU SEE HIM ON TINDER.

CAN'T SWIPE RIGHT ON A DEMOCRAT.

HAVE TO SWIPE LEFT ON THEM,

RIGHT?

HE'S DATING ROSARIO DAWSON, THE

ACTRESS.

BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY LIVE

TOGETHER A LOT OF THE TIME,

UNTIL THREE DAYS AGO, SHE HADN'T

OFFICIALLY ENDORSED HIM, WHICH

IS, I MEAN, HOW MANY DISHES MUST

THIS GUY LEAVE IN THE SINK?

OVERALL, I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD

DEBATE.

I THOUGHT ABC NEWS DID A GREAT

JOB.

I DON'T KNOW WHO WON THE DEBATE,

BUT WATCHING CANDIDATES DISCUSS

THE ISSUES INTELLIGENTLY, USING

REAL FACTS, I'D FORGOTTEN WHAT

IT WAS LIKE.

IT WAS LIKE WALKING OUT OF NORTH

KOREA AND INTO A COSTCO.

IT WAS THAT SAME.

PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS

HE WOULD NOT WATCH THE DEBATE

LIVE TONIGHT.

SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAPE IT AND

WATCH IT LATER AS A RERUN.

THIS IS WHAT HE WAS DOING DURING

THE DEBATE.

>> THE LIGHT BULB.

PEOPLE SAID WHAT'S WITH THE

LIGHT BULB.

I SAID HERE'S THE STORY.

I LOOKED AT IT, THE BULB WE'RE

FORCED TO USE, NUMBER ONE, MOST

IMPORTANTLY, THE LIGHT'S NO

GOOD.

I ALWAYS LOOK ORANGE.

>> Jimmy: YEAH.

IT'S THE LIGHT BULB THAT MAKES

YOU LOOK ORANGE.

NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TAN IN A

CAN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

TRUMP ALSO ENTERTAINED THE GANG

OF THE INSTITUTE WITH A ROUTINE

ABOUT SLEEPY JOE BIDEN AND

PRESIDENT XI.

WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SLOW IT

DOWN FOR TONIGHT'S EDITION OF

DRUNK DONALD TRUMP.

>> HE WANTS SLEEPY JOE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO GUYS

IN A ROOM?

XI, HA, AND HERE'S SLEEPY JOE,

WHAT?

WHERE AM I?

WHERE AM I?

JUST SIGN HERE, SLEEPY JOE.

JUST SIGN HERE.

♪ ♪

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: SO, IN BETWEEN HIS

STANDUP FIGURES SHALL THE

PRESIDENT IS STILL FIGURING OUT

WHO'S GOING TO REPLACE HIS