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-Guys, it seems like there's so much going on right now.
The House began debating impeachment today.
SantaCon is this weekend.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Patriots are caught up in another cheating scandal.
And KFC is selling fried-chicken scented firewood.
There's a lot to go over.
So let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
It's time for a News Smash.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-First up, today House Democrats began debating
the articles of impeachment against Trump.
If approved, they could vote on impeachment
as early as next week.
Both parties are getting ready for a fight
just like everyone...
going to SantaCon.
Up to 30,000 drunk partiers are expected to dress up
as Santa for the annual pub crawl this weekend.
So,if you're planning on going,
don't drink in the streets, or you'll get...
The New England Patriots are being accused of filming
the sidelines of a Bengals game earlier this season.
Officials are still investigating,
but Bengals fans think something stinks, kind of like...
KFC's fried-chicken scented firewood.
Now your whole house can smell like Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Just like...the White House.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
It makes sense.
They just want to get the impeachment vote over with,
which is also how New Yorkers feel about SantaCon.
"Let's get it over with."
Please don't do anything inappropriate
because there's cameras everywhere.
If you don't believe me, just ask the Cincinnati Bengals,
who were taped by the Patriots for eight full minutes.
It's a bad look for the team
who was fined for a similar scandal back in 2007.
Nobody wants another Deflategate or...
another Watergate.
Of course, Nixon resigned before he was impeached
because things were heating up
and his whole administration smelled fishy...
sort of like this whole thing with the Patriots.
Look, just admit you're wrong and pay your fines,
'cause cheating makes everyone look bad.
And you know what else makes everyone look bad?
Sure, it starts out fun, but before you know it,
it's 4:00 a.m., and you're standing
over a trash can eating KFC firewood.
[ Laughter ]
So, in conclusion, time to choose...
time to booze...
do what you should.
Finger-lickin' wood.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on, dude. Come on, dude.
Finger-lickin' wood, man. Come on.
[ Laughs ] That's a...special.
Well, earlier tonight, Trump and Melania
hosted two Hanukkah parties at the White House.
Yep, the parties were actually a little awkward,
especially when Trump walked by a menorah
and he blew out the candles and made a wish.
-Trump was planning on tweeting about the party,
but after the 50th attempt at spelling "Hanukkah,"
his iPhone threw itself into a punch bowl.
But Trump is busy. Last night, he and Mike Pence
held a campaign rally in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Hershey loved having Trump and Pence, 'cause together,
they look like an ad for their
white-chocolate peanut-butter cups.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
But all things considered, Trump's speech was a success.
I mean, it definitely went better than the last time
he was in the state and tried to say "Pennsylvania."
-We've ended the war on clean, beautiful, Pennsyl-vanal.
[ Laughter ]
-Pennsly-vanal? Um...
-Today a justice Department official testified about
how the FBI handled the Russia investigation,
and Lindsey Graham read texts
between former FBI agents about Trump.
Let's see how that went.
-"Oh, he's," Trump, "abysmal."
"God, Trump is a loathsome human."
"He is an idiot."
"Donald Trump is an enormous douche."
[ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile every Democrat was like,
"I allot my time to Lindsey Graham.
Just keep going. Just keep going."
Later on in the inquiry, Senator John Kennedy made
some odd claims about how he felt while reading the report.
-I haven't read the entire report.
I'm about 70% of the way through,
but I'm gonna finish it.
After about 15% of the way through,
it made me want to heave.
After about 25% of the way through...
I thought I had dropped acid.
[ Laughter ]
-What?! What?
-"At 40%, I felt like the peyote and the bath salts
had kicked in, you know?
I'm sorry. What were we talking about again? Where am I?"
-Some 2020 news here.
I read that Joe Biden has privately told staffers
if elected president, he would only serve one term,
since he would be 82 years old.
He said, "At that point, I'll hand things over
to my young vice president, Bernie Sanders."
Well, "Time" magazine just announced
their 2019 Person of the Year,
and they chose 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Greta famously sailed across the Atlantic Ocean
on a boat with no kitchen, no showers, and no toilets.
And anyone who's ever been on a Carnival Cruise was like,
"Hey, I did that. Where's my award?"
Some big sports news. The New York Yankees
just signed pitcher Gerrit Cole
to a record-breaking 9-year, $324-million contract.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's so rich, now he can pay a butler to come out to the mound
and adjust his crotch for him.
-"Yes, would you like some Gold Bond, sir?"
-Tch! -Some tech news.
[ Laughs ] He slapped. -He snapped it.
-Some tech news. Apple -- [ Laughs ]
Like, he took off his glove and like --
"Would you like some Gold Bond, sir?"
[ Slap! ]
[ Laughter ]
-Good game, good game.
Two balls, no strikes.
-All right. There you go.
-No. I'm sorry. Two balls, one strike.
One-two. [ Slap! ]
There you go. Some tech news.
Some tech news.
Apple has a new Mac Pro computer,
and I heard that if you order it with every available feature,
it costs $52,000. -Whoa.
-When he heard that, even Gerrit Cole was like, "Oh, hell no."
[ Slap! ]
Well, I saw that Alaska Airlines is offering priority seating
to passengers in ugly Christmas sweaters.
It's nice until you're wearing a regular sweater
and the attendant's like, "Oh, you can board.
You can definitely board. You can board first."
And finally, a man in Idaho just set a Guinness world record
for juggling balloons with his head.
The man called it "thrilling," while the judge holding a timer
called it "the saddest day of my life."
We have a great show, everybody.


News Smash: Impeachment Debates, SantaCon, Patriots Cheating Scandal, KFC Firewood

55 タグ追加 保存
林宜悉 2020 年 1 月 12 日 に公開
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