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(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
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(GRUNTING)
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Here you are, darling.
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Thank you, my dear.
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GOMEZ: Pull!
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Excellent, my dear.
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Let's see if you can do this for me, though.
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Okay.
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My dear.
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Pull!
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Ole, ole.
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I give up, querida mia.
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I simply haven't the dexterity
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to squeeze off shots like that.
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Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurch's head?
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Oh, much safer and less expensive.
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These poor steel-tipped arrows
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haven't a chance against Lurch's head.
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Incidentally, darling, does Lurch seem troubled to you?
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I spoke to him a few moments ago and he didn't even answer me.
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Didn't act like he heard me.
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Do you suppose he's ill?
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I don't know.
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He's been terribly depressed ever since he got that letter
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from his mother this morning.
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Not himself at all.
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How could you tell?
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He smiled.
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Something has given him a bad turn.
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We should find him and get to the root of it.
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(GROANING)
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More. More.
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Oh, gosh, Lurch, give me a turn.
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You've been having all the fun.
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Oh, Lurch, you're relaxing. That's a relief.
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We were worried about you.
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He says the rack is the only thing
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that helps him forget his troubles.
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Well, it'll do it every time,
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but you do have a problem, eh, old man?
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(GROANING)
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Oh, now, it's not that bad.
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Come on, we'll get you off the rack and we'll talk about it.
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Mama, Uncle Fester's fixing a tasty new dish.
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Why don't you run along, maybe he'll share it with you.
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I could stand a snack.
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Selfish!
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Come on, old man. Speak up.
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Now, Lurch, does it have anything to do with the letter
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you received from your mother this morning?
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Why, I should think you'd be pleased that she's going to visit.
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We'd love to have her stay with us.
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We could put her up in that nice attic room.
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No.
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No?
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I fibbed.
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To your mama?
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Oh, well, Mr. Addams and I understand.
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We understand about those little white lies
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that a roaming son writes his mother.
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(GROANING)
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Lurch, that picture of the house that you sent to your mother,
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you told her it was your house, right?
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Well, we always think of you as one of the family, Lurch.
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A servant.
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A very good servant.
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I'm a liar.
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And a very good liar.
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Gomez!
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Oh, sorry, I got carried away.
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Now don't you fret about a thing.
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We'll put our heads together and see what we can do to help you.
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We'll call a family conference.
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Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something.
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He has a good head on his shoulders.
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Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around.
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He has two of them.
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I say let's mine the front porch.
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I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell.
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That always discourages those magazine salesmen.
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Not bad, Fester, but why not just wire the doorbell
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with a few thousand volts?
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No need to damage the porch.
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No, no, darling, that wouldn't be kind.
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You let her get all the way to the door
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and then disappoint her like that.
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Why not have Lurch play dead?
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Good thinking.
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You think Lurch could be convincing?
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He looks so alive.
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It was a very sweet thought, darling, but that's true.
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Lurch is so vivacious.
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His most outstanding characteristic.
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I have it.
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If Mrs. Lurch thinks that Lurch is a very important, big man
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and owns this house and everything,
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why don't we just let her continue to think so?
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Querida mia. Leave it to you, with your feminine intuition,
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to come up with the correct answer.
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Darling.
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Tish, when you pat my cheek it drives me wild.
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You Castilians are so fiery.
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Yes, Cousin Manuelo was a pyromaniac.
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Darling, later, later.
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Let's concentrate on Lurch.
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Oh, yes.
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Now...
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Forgive me.
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...for the few days that Mrs. Lurch is here,
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we'll let her think that Lurch is the head of the household,
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and we'll be the servants.
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Marvelous.
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Do you think I'd make a convincing butler?
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Darling, I couldn't imagine a subtler butler.
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You'll completely captivate Mrs. Lurch with your savoir-faire.
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Tish, when you speak French, you know how it affects me.
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Later, mon cher, later, not now.
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We have to get this thing settled.
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Now, I'll be the maid and Mama will be the cook.
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I will not!
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Mama.
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My schoolgirl complexion may have graduated,
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but I'm not gonna get dish-pan hands for anyone.
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I'll stay in the cottage till that woman leaves.
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Excellent idea, Mama, and you can take the children with you.
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Oh, that's a very good idea, dear.
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Now, Uncle Fester,
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you can be the gardener.
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Forget it.
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But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like
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to potter around in the back yard,
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maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed?
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I like the back yard just the way it is. Bare.
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I'm gonna move out in the cottage with the others.
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Well, I guess it'll just have to be the two of us.
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Darling, we can do it.
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Let's go tell Lurch and rehearse our roles.
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There you are, madam.
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Are you ready for your soup now, sir?
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Ah, Cara bella!
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Oh, Morticia, you're enchanting.
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Thank you, kind sir.
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Oh, darling, you make a superb butler.
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It gives full play to your courtly Castilian manner.
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Oh, Tish, you ravishing creature.
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Darling, now, remember our new positions.
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Oh, yes, yes, yes.
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Is Lurch ready for his first lesson?
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Yes, he's in the living room now.
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Now, remember, darling, one ring is for you, two rings for me.
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(GONG RESOUNDING)
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Yeah.
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That's me.
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You rang?
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You rang?
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No, no, Lurch. You rang.
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Oh, no, sir.
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You rang for me because I'm your butler.
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And I'm not "sir," I'm Gomez.
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Now sit down.
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Yes, sir.
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G-Gomez.
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Perhaps this will help.
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A cigar gives a man that masterful feeling.
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Have you ever smoked?
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(GROANING)
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You got a couple of bad leaks there, old man.
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You better forget the cigars.
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It's no use.
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You can do it, Lurch. Just concentrate.
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Think big. Think important.
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Think that you are master of all you survey.
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Think.
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That's it. Splendid, Lurch. You got it.
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Now ring for the maid and demand your breakfast.
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(GONGING)
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You rang?
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Telephone, Gomez.
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Yes, sir. I'll get it, sir.
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Please, Lurch. I answer the phone.
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(GROANING)
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Your evening paper, sir.
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No, no, Lurch, not the funnies.
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The financial page.
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Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.
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I like the funnies.
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Very good, Lurch.
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You actually sounded masterful then.
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Now, as far as pinching the maid...
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(GROANING)
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Perhaps that would be carrying it a bit too far.
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But I don't want your mother to become suspicious.
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Perhaps you'd better just make eyes at me instead.
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(GROANING)
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Try it, Lurch.
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Lurch, as mistress of this house,
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I'm ordering you to make eyes at me.
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Perhaps you'd better just try a devilish smile.
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Forget it, Lurch. I'm just not your type.
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(GROANING)
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Your Cognac, sir.
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I never drink.
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Nonsense.
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Gentlemen of quality always have a brandy after dinner.
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It's a sign of sophistication and culture.
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(GULPS)
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(COUGHING)
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Well, he just flunked sophistication.
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Morticia.
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Darling, what do you think?
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Cousin Imar asked me to sew in his college seal.
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Princeton.
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Beautiful.
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Morticia, we've done it.
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Lurch just ordered me to shine his shoes.
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That's wonderful.
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He even reprimanded me this morning.
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He said his toast wasn't black enough.
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He's completely brainwashed.
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(FOGHORN SOUNDING)
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The doorbell. That may be his mama now.
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It's Mama.
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All right.
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Now you let me open the door properly, Lurch.
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You greet her right here.
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How do you do?
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Where's my boy?
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Oh, there you are! Sonny.
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Mama.
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(GONG RESOUNDING)
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There she goes again. That's me.
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(GONG RESOUNDING)
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Two rings. That's me.
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(GONG RESOUNDING)
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Three blasts. It's an all-out command performance this time.
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Let's wait till she makes up her mind.
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(GONG RESOUNDING)
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Sonny, I don't know how you put up with such miserable servants.
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They're never around when you want them.
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She really is a little cyclone.
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Not at all what I expected Lurch's mother to be like.
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I haven't sat down since she got here.
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(GROANING)
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What is it, darling?
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I'm all kinked up from last night, sleeping on the divan.
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Oh.
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I miss our nice, big bed.
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Well, I suppose she was right in saying
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that Lurch should have the master bedroom.
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After all, she does think he's the master of the house.
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Well, at least you slept on Lurch's bed in the attic.
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She's really quite insensitive for such a dear little thing.
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Do you know she hates Pugsley's octopus?
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Anyone who'd hate an octopus is warped.
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She even tried to feed it to Cleopatra.
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That's inhuman.
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I rescued them just in time.
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(GONG RESOUNDING)
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Let's call off this whole mad charade.
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Oh, darling, please be patient.
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It's only for a few more days.
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You'd better go to her now
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before she rings the house down.
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Oh, Tish, when you help me with my coat it goes right through me.
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It's impossible.