"NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED." 00:00:13.579 --> 00:00:15.648 align:start position:0% >> Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE "D" STYLE IS FORMER COLORADO 00:00:15.681 --> 00:00:22.355 align:start position:0% GOVERNOR JOHN HICKENLOOPER, SEEN HICKENLOOPER HAS STRUGGLED TO

GAIN TRACTION AND IS CONSIDERING ENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID AND 00:00:24.023 --> 00:00:30.430 align:start position:0% ENTERING THE RACE FOR COLORADO'S REPUBLICAN-HELD SENATE SEAT. 00:00:30.463 --> 00:00:31.364 align:start position:0% BRAVO! 00:00:31.397 --> 00:00:33.399 align:start position:0% BRAVO! 00:00:33.432 --> 00:00:35.001 align:start position:0% GOOD FOR YOU! 00:00:35.034 --> 00:00:36.169 align:start position:0% I LIKE THAT.

FINALLY, A MAN WILLING TO PUT ASIDE HIS EGO AND DO WHAT IS 00:00:43.142 --> 00:00:45.812 align:start position:0% GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY. 00:00:45.845 --> 00:00:48.714 align:start position:0% THAT GUY SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT. 00:00:48.747 --> 00:00:49.782 size:88% position:44% AND THE NUMBERS BACK HIM UP. 00:00:49.815 --> 00:00:51.050 align:start position:0% ON SUNDAY, "THE DENVER POST" PUBLISHED A POLL SAYING 00:00:51.083 --> 00:00:57.023 align:start position:0% HICKENLOOPER WOULD LEAD OTHER DEMOCRATS IN THE COLORADO SENATE

RACE BY 51 PERCENTAGE POINTS, WHICH SHOCKED HICKENLOOPER. 00:01:01.427 --> 00:01:04.063 align:start position:0% HE DID NOT KNOW POLL NUMBERS COULD HAVE TWO DIGITS. 00:01:04.096 --> 00:01:07.166 align:start position:0% ( LAUGHTER ) AND HE'S PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT 00:01:07.199 --> 00:01:08.234 align:start position:0% INTO THIS. 00:01:08.267 --> 00:01:13.106 align:start position:0% AND HE'S TAKING THE IDEA OF DROPPING OUT SERIOUSLY. 00:01:13.139 --> 00:01:15.007 align:start position:0% IN FACT, LAST WEEKEND, HICKENLOOPER HOPPED INTO SENATOR 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:19.545 align:start position:0% MICHAEL BENNET'S CAR TO DISCUSS HIS IMPENDING DECISION.

BENNET LISTENED TO HICKENLOOPER CAREFULFULLY, THEN THOUGHTFULLY 00:01:23.782 --> 00:01:26.853 align:start position:0% REPLIED, "WHO ARE YOU?" BUT OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES 00:01:26.886 --> 00:01:27.353 align:start position:0% -- ( APPLAUSE ) 00:01:27.386 --> 00:01:33.893 align:start position:0% THANK YOU.

OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ARE STILL GOING STRONG, LIKE SOUTH 00:01:38.464 --> 00:01:44.937 align:start position:0% BEND MAYOR AND PHOTO ON THE INSIDE FLAP-- 00:01:44.970 --> 00:01:51.611 align:start position:0% BEND MAYOR AND PHOTO ON THE INSIDE FLAP OF A SELF-PUBLISHED 00:01:51.644 --> 00:01:53.479 align:start position:0% POETRY BOOK, MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG. 00:01:53.512 --> 00:01:55.047 align:start position:0% MAYOR PETE WAS AT THE IOWA STATE FAIR YESTERDAY, AND HE SHOWED 00:01:55.080 --> 00:01:57.517 align:start position:0% THAT HE'S WILLING TO PUT HIS BODY ON THE LINE TO BE 00:01:57.550 --> 00:01:58.384 align:start position:0% PRESIDENT. 00:01:58.418 --> 00:01:59.519 align:start position:0% HERE HE IS DIVING INTO SOME FRIED OREOS. 00:01:59.552 --> 00:02:00.320 align:start position:0% >> YOU WANT SOME? 00:02:00.353 --> 00:02:01.954 align:start position:0% I MEAN, I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ALL SIX. 00:02:01.987 --> 00:02:05.758 align:start position:0% >> Stephen: WELL, THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE PRESIDENT, PETE!

"I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ALL SIX." 00:02:09.995 --> 00:02:12.865 align:start position:0% OH, SOMEONE'S TOO GOOD FOR CARDIAC ARREST.

DON'T YOU KNOW GORGING YOURSELF IN PUBLIC IS HOW AMERICAN KNOWS 00:02:16.802 --> 00:02:19.705 size:75% position:38% YOU'RE THE RIGHT CHOICE. 00:02:19.738 --> 00:02:23.976 align:start position:0% CHESTER A. ARTHUR GOT THE JOB BY WINNING A PIE-EATING CONTEST. 00:02:24.009 --> 00:02:26.646 align:start position:0% THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER HOLDING AN ELECTION! 00:02:26.679 --> 00:02:32.318 align:start position:0% THEY JUST HOSED HIM OFF AND INAUGURATED HIM.

BUT, OF COURSE, IT WASN'T ALL FRIED FUN AND GAMES, BECAUSE 00:02:34.086 --> 00:02:36.622 align:start position:0% MAYOR PETE'S DAY TOOK A BIT OF A DARKER TURN WHEN HE TALKED TO 00:02:36.655 --> 00:02:41.060 size:88% position:44% THIS VETERAN IOWA FAIR-GOER. 00:02:41.093 --> 00:02:42.728 align:start position:0% >> I SHOOK ROBERT KENNEDY'S HAND. 00:02:42.761 --> 00:02:43.930 align:start position:0% >> ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GOOD LUCK? 00:02:43.963 --> 00:02:44.931 align:start position:0% >> NO! 00:02:44.964 --> 00:02:54.507 align:start position:0% IT WAS A MONTH BEFORE HE GOT SHOT! 00:02:54.540 --> 00:02:58.678 align:start position:0% ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 00:02:58.711 --> 00:03:00.913 align:start position:0% >> Stephen: (AS OLD WOMAN) "I SHAKE EVERY CANDIDATE'S HAND 00:03:00.946 --> 00:03:02.114 size:78% position:39% TO SEE IF IT WAS JUST ME! 00:03:02.147 --> 00:03:07.286 align:start position:0% THAT ANCIENT FORTUNE TELLER SAID ALL I TOUCH WOULD WITHER TO 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:08.287 align:start position:0% DUST. 00:03:08.320 --> 00:03:09.956 align:start position:0% YOU ARE DOOMED! 00:03:09.989 --> 00:03:12.858 align:start position:0% YOU GOING TO FINISH THOSE FRIED OREOS?" 00:03:12.891 --> 00:03:15.294 align:start position:0% ( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT VERMONT 00:03:15.327 --> 00:03:19.131 align:start position:0% SENATOR AND SENTIENT DRYER LINT, BERNIE SANDERS. 00:03:19.164 --> 00:03:25.304 align:start position:0% ( LAUGHTER ) FOR YEARS, THE BERN HAS BEEN

CRITICAL OF CORPORATE AMERICA, ESPECIALLY AMAZON C.E.O. AND

SUPER-COOL PENIS, JEFF BEZOS. 00:03:30.643 --> 00:03:32.411 align:start position:0% ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 00:03:32.444 --> 00:03:33.045 align:start position:0% >> Jon: WHOA! 00:03:33.078 --> 00:03:34.914 size:75% position:38% >> Stephen: HEY, LADIES. 00:03:34.947 --> 00:03:37.216 align:start position:0% LOOK, BUT DON'T TOUCH. 00:03:37.249 --> 00:03:39.652 align:start position:0% AT A RECENT EVENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, BERNIE WENT AFTER 00:03:39.685 --> 00:03:42.154 align:start position:0% BEZOS AGAIN. 00:03:42.187 --> 00:03:45.391 align:start position:0% >> YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOOK AT "THE WASHINGTON POST"-- WHICH IS

OWNED BY THE WEALTHIEST GUY IN THIS COUNTRY, A GUY NAMED JEFF 00:03:49.295 --> 00:03:51.464 align:start position:0% BEZOS-- AMAZON MADE $10 BILLION IN PROFIT LAST YEAR. 00:03:51.497 --> 00:03:53.666 align:start position:0% YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY PAID IN TAXES? 00:03:53.699 --> 00:03:54.100 align:start position:0% YOU GOT IT! 00:03:54.133 --> 00:03:57.203 align:start position:0% ZERO!

ANY WONDER WHY "THE WASHINGTON POST" IS NOT ONE OF MY GREAT 00:03:59.772 --> 00:04:00.139 align:start position:0% SUPPORTERS? 00:04:00.173 --> 00:04:03.042 align:start position:0% I WONDER WHY. 00:04:03.075 --> 00:04:04.443 align:start position:0% >> Stephen: WAIT. 00:04:04.476 --> 00:04:07.847 size:88% position:44% HE'S STEALING TRUMP'S THING. 00:04:07.880 --> 00:04:13.319 align:start position:0% (AS BERNIE) "YES, THE JEFF BEZOS "THE 00:04:13.352 --> 00:04:17.723 align:start position:0% WASHINGTON POST" IS-- AND I THINK I AM COINING THIS PHRASE-- 00:04:17.756 --> 00:04:18.190 align:start position:0% FAKE NEWS! 00:04:18.223 --> 00:04:19.058 align:start position:0% SAD! 00:04:19.091 --> 00:04:20.159 align:start position:0% IT'S A WITCH HUNT! 00:04:20.192 --> 00:04:21.060 align:start position:0% A WITCH... HUNT! 00:04:21.093 --> 00:04:25.064 size:88% position:44% GOD BLESS THE UNITED STUSH." 00:04:25.097 --> 00:04:32.872 align:start position:0% NOW, BERNIE WENT ON-- ( APPLAUSE )

BERNIE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN WHY HE'S WORRIED ABOUT CORPORATE 00:04:34.873 --> 00:04:37.443 align:start position:0% MEDIA, SAYING "LARGE CORPORATIONS OWN THE MEDIA IN 00:04:37.476 --> 00:04:41.947 size:88% position:44% AMERICA, BY AND LARGE, AND I THINK THERE IS A FRAMEWORK, 00:04:41.980 --> 00:04:45.518 align:start position:0% ABOUT HOW THE CORPORATE MEDIA FOCUSES ON POLITICS."

OKAY, BERNIE, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 00:04:49.621 --> 00:04:52.758 align:start position:0% I, STEPHEN COLBERT, WORK FOR A MAJOR CORPORATE MEDIA. 00:04:52.791 --> 00:04:54.093 align:start position:0% BUT I'M FREE FROM CORPORATE INFLUENCE AND CAN SAY WHATEVER I 00:04:54.126 --> 00:04:55.661 align:start position:0% WANT.

WHICH REMINDS ME: ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS MERGER OF VIACOM AND 00:04:58.130 --> 00:05:00.166 align:start position:0% CBS! 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:03.703 size:81% position:41% ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAY IT FOREVER BOLSTER OUR

PREMIUM CONTENT PORTFOLIO AND POSITION US TO SPAN ALL CONTENT 00:05:07.039 --> 00:05:11.410 size:88% position:44% CATEGORIES AND DEMOGRAPHICS, CREATING ETERNAL VALUE FOR 00:05:11.443 --> 00:05:15.081 align:start position:0% SHAREHOLDERS!

VIACOM-CBS: STRONGER TOGETHER! 00:05:18.117 --> 00:05:19.152 align:start position:0% WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.