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Traveling is a big topic for Muslim comedians because we have to go to the airport, looking like this.
Ok, let me tell you something right now.
It's really weird to me that people are scared of me in an airport.
Cause if everybody think about it, I'm the most scared guy in the airport.
I am most likely to get shot over a misunderstanding, in an airport, right?
The TSA thing that my heart is already racing, man.
I put my bag on the conveyor, but there is a little voice in my head.
Oh my god, what's gonna happen now?
What's gonna happen now?
There's an argument in myself.
Nothing's gonna happen now, stupid.
There's nothing in your bag.
Yeah, but still...
It's a good point!
I saw you were nervous, but you've got that scary signs in the airport chasing around.
If you see something, say something...
It's pretty ambiguous set of instructions.
If you see something...
Say something...
I am in (the) airport and...
I see a lot of things.
I should say something.
What should I say?
Ok, here we go.
(Arabic: God is the greatest!)
I am doing a good job in the airport.
I am gonna die in (the) airport.
Is that fair?
I followed the airport instructions.
Go test me, bro.
Then you get to the gate.
You should be able to calm down.
Calm your nerves at the gate.
Oh, no.
The US government thought it's a good idea to put a TV screen and every boarding gate in America, join 24/7 news coverage of CNN.
"Still you shit happening right now."
I was just minding my business at the gate trying to chill out and there was a TV screen above my head.
Showing an Isis beheading .
Everybody at the gate looking at Isis.
Looking at me.
Looking at Isis.
Looking at me.
Isis, me.
I just wanna be like, "I didn't do it."
I'm in Chicago with you.
Look, it says live.
It's happening right now.
How can that be...
Damn, it says recording, aren't you?
It could be me?
Hypothetically, theoretically, it's not me!
And by the way, if this is me, you have bigger problems: I am already at the gate.
Ridiculous, man.
They start pretending TSA works.
If it did, we wouldn't be so nervous at the gate.
And the thing is, it really gets on someone's nerves because the thing bothers me when everybody is staring at me.
The passengers are staring.
The employees are staring.
The dogs are staring.
Alright, I wanna make this very clear.
I'm not a terrorist.
I never been a terrorist.
I never want to be a terrorist.
I am, however, "terrorist-ish."
Don't get scared, I'll tell you what that means.
It means when I'm standing there, and everybody is staring at me.
Give me real me dirty looks.
His little voice goes off on the back of my head like...
You know what?
I'm not terrorist but if I was...
Kill all you racist mother fuckers.
Stop staring at me.
It's just hair on my face.
All it means exactly (is) I eat spaghetti in public.
A lot of shampoo and conditioner.
And find the split ends for years.
And the only worse of all, that is the moment I am going to get on the plane.
People are in shock.
There is a middle of conversations they said, " Where are you from? What do you..."
"I'm gonna die."
"Honey, I love you."
"He's so (sc)ary."
"He keeps staring at me."
"He punches in son of the face."
And I'll be honest, New York City.
Can I be totally honest with you?
Totally honest?
I don't really understand what these people are so scared of.
I don't get it.
Cause think about it.
If I was a crazy Muslim fundamentalist terrorist about to hijack the plane, this is probably not the disguise I would go with.
Doesn't exactly slip you under the radar.
Of course everybody's are real nice to me once the plane safely lands.
And they just slinging over and smiling...
I'm just waiting for an honest answer that end the play.
"Excuse me sir, I thought you gonna kill us."
"Sorry about that."
"Everybody I was about to go to the bathroom", and I was gonna stab you.
My name is Azhar Usman and thank you for your listen.



【コメディーで英語】イスラム教徒コメディアン、アズハル・ウスマンが飛行機に乗るときの話 (Flying While Muslim ~ standup comedian Azhar Usman)

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Lian 2019 年 7 月 3 日 に公開    newzealand 翻訳    Sophie チェック
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