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  • ladies and Gentlemen Bill burr

  • all right [soon] yeah, I

  • Want to get a gun I?

  • Told him. I really do I never had that feeling before so I moved out to Los angeles

  • The city just messes with your mind. You know so but populated, technically doesn't have a water supply

  • Right the dollars crashing shit keeps you up at night. You [just] [thickened] what am I doing the SAmba scum. I?

  • Start reading up on shit get some powdered [food] plant some zucchini

  • Get a Windmill

  • right

  • And that's all well and good

  • But if you don't know how to fight all you're doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy in the block

  • Right [think] about that what am I gonna? Do some dude turns me upside down starts shaking the gold coins out of my pockets I?

  • [Gotta] get a gun

  • So I'm on the road right. I'm in Reno

  • great gun Town

  • Coming out in a little gun store, right come walk into some redneck down like a man

  • I don't want to get a gun like I hear you what you looking [for] what you want mossberg over on merit

  • 357 Magnum right such rattling off all this gibberish

  • [all] right, [I] don't know shit. [I'm] trying to play it off. I feel like a bitch cuz I don't know anything about guns

  • Feels like what do we do here?

  • Hello, I'm in both honesty. I don't look dude. I know anything about guns they terrify me, but I'm worried about the zombies

  • Dudes, just like you need a shotgun

  • Shotgun man, it's got a good spread

  • [Cz] the Low doesn't have a lot of working parts got a good spread. He kept saying that it's got a good spread

  • Like what does that mean you could love me you ain't gotta be too accurate

  • Get it good spread farther way you are and the more shit you it?

  • Got a good spread. Thank you got a problem over here. You now look at this room wow it

  • got a probably ready for

  • Anything no, it's even remotely a problem. Ain't there anymore trust me, and then these people here

  • They saw what you just did here. You ain't got a problem harry

  • Graves taking care of right there one shot these people get smart flipping over [wow], it's it's friends

  • Don't like laughs am I yourself I'm like dude look I just want to shoot the guy

  • I don't think do a bunch of drywall work. Yeah

  • Reframe my diploma get my parakeet another friend. Yeah, I

  • Just want to shoot the guy. I'm like [another] one. He's pistol. So he does like that classic like that redneck trailing off thing like

  • [I] know, I just [met] here corner here

  • It is shiny one

  • Feels like the what's wrong with getting a pistol you guys. I'll tell you what buddy cuz life life ain't a movie

  • You feel me

  • Like now can you please stop speaking and these backwards riddles?

  • Can you just say what you're saying I told you? I don't know shit about guns come on. Do me solid here with

  • Those look if you're watching movie kaka blah blah blau he keep kill sweet people real laughs man. You miss you, miss all fuckin time

  • You miss enough [fans], man you miles you're acting miles would you stand there with big Stapler here?

  • Man what you gonna? Do I was like well fuck it. Let's get the shotgun

  • He's [already] to box the thing up, and then I'm like wait [a] minute. I live with my girl

  • I can't [you] show up [with] [a] shotgun, [right]?

  • [that's] not some shit. You can just come home with I

  • Found this stool on the side of the road I can come on with this look at it. We we can refinish it

  • We can carve our initials today. We did a good time, right?

  • You show up with a shotgun. I got it for us I

  • Went Barrel for you one for me now

  • So see Kibosh is the whole thing

  • So the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway

  • Starts fucking with her head right so she starts reading up on guns

  • You know she's reading too much cuz now she wants to get one but she's just like well

  • I heard you got to keep the bullets in this day keep the stock in the garage

  • And then what then when I run around the house and assemble it if some dudes chasing me with an axe

  • They don't even thinking this thing through sweetheart running around with where's the stuff. It's in the living room in the living room

  • Forgetting this thing. I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall right there. I'll put that into my gym gym sleep

  • Just like that

  • No, other point

  • That's funny though when you talk about getting a gun. You know people like they eat. It totally forward or completely against it

  • You [know] [either]. Go nuts and start screaming, right?

  • well

  • They start sawing off those stats actually you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% your second you get a gun in the house

  • Really what cuz I'm going to load it and shower with it like

  • The fuck I know it's dangerous

  • You're gonna pull in your backyard [you'll] immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard

  • right

  • You couldn't do that before now. You step on a rake and you go

  • No telling you. I don't buy any of that shit

  • Stats are so fucking stupid now

  • Now that this stupid. It's the way people apply them you're any of your mind made up

  • And then you go - I'm right calm you start memorizing a bunch of shit, and [you] [try] just throw it up at people

  • Guy trying to get me to go Scuba diving [like] I'm not going. I don't want to get Eaten by a shark

  • [he's] like well actually 90% of shark attacks actually happened in Shallow water. It's like no shit. It's where the people are

  • No, the beach

  • 90% of people are frolicking along the coastline

  • These people swim [into] Europe [Gonna] [Iceland] your pussies

  • I

  • Don't know

  • But actually I actually like Los angeles one of the few east coast people that likes it all my [moron]

  • New York friends and Boston friends that come out there try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning

  • They can't boys fucking play sauce

  • It's not it's like exactly where I left. What's the point of traveling if it's Gonna be different?

  • So fucking stupid get a burrito and go on a hike [what's] wrong with you

  • You're gonna go to Hawaii. There's no pause hockey. Just place socks [I]

  • Got to admit the only thing that freaks me out

  • About Los Angeles is all a plastic surgery. I don't get it

  • Why do people [get] plastic surgery you know why can't you just admit? It's over

  • You know you had your time stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s

  • Weird their faces yank back look at all shiny, right?

  • Not to mention they haven't even figured enough

  • You know why would you get a facelift? Can't you look at other facelifts and realize they haven't worked all the bumps out yet?

  • Like that's what you want to look like like you just lost the fight three days ago

  • Don't be a hero [let] somebody else go in there take the fucking beat you you lay back

  • Wait it out

  • [they're] [just] lying to people. I know let's go. Let's go put a little ice on [it]

  • [we'll] [see] [in] a couple weeks. I take it easy

  • Jesus Christ, what the fuck up?

  • We followed every step did we miss something? Oh?

  • Oh, you're cheeky sweetie keys there you go there you go [olsen] recognizes start yelling all right. Take it easy

  • [you] gone [on] she's Gonna write shred everything shred it

  • Now you're nuts

  • You wait it out. Let him figure it out, then you're fucking going don't be a goddamn hero. You know

  • Look at hair plugs hair plugs. Don't look half bad now

  • So this guy the other night on TV. They got God it wasn't good this ten years ago. It's like. No, you don't

  • Ten Years ago when they were stapling ant legs to the top of people's heads

  • Go ahead your eyes would water looking at their hairline like it this

  • Soon and I see fights are

  • They still put you in like a headlock hold still you like a nail gun

  • Pull step guys would tap out after a row and a half fuck it. Okay shit

  • [you] wish you got hair plugs [10] years ago. Do you wish you got Polio 60 years ago?

  • What else is on [your] wish list sir?

  • Now you know fuck with your face

  • okay, I

  • Understand liposuction they screw that up. You can put on a shirt, right?

  • There's no shirt for your face

  • What do they [think] they're fooling but this stupid you know and then you [lied] yourself?

  • I'm just gonna do that you can do this just kidding just kidding you can have this done

  • No, you're not you know what you you're just gonna wax the fender on your car

  • And [that's] it the rest of it [look] so shitty for me. [where'd] you see the hood maybe a through the back?

  • That's out happens. You look like one of those real housewives Lee face all twisted up

  • Fucking idiots hey do I look bad idiot?

  • Don't look like I'm in my 20s. No you look weird you look fucking

  • weird

  • You still look like you're in your 50s. I just can't guess what year anymore because I've never seen that year

  • I've never seen that shiny fucking look. It's almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53

  • Yeah

  • People there's nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52 all right you 52 he didn't get fucked. Yeah

  • What would you rather be 52 and look 52? I'll be 52 and look like a 28 year old lizard

  • That's your option at this point

  • It was really really like actually embarrassing is that the facelift that's predominantly a white problem

  • You notice that I've never seen a black person with a facelift ever

  • Other than I like the Jacksons, but they're all out of their minds, right

  • [cuz] [a] dad made him rehearse all day [and] sleep on the fireplace

  • Like jamming on the [Yeah-heah] [Bastok]. No hugs no kisses

  • His face permanently twisted out from 50 years of screaming saying [motherfucker]

  • It's understandable with them

  • And you know why so many whitey [sneed] faceless? I love that word. I'm trying to bring it [back] I

  • Love it. It's funny what?

  • You know what do you want? So many caucasians need faceless cuz we don't know about lotion

  • [it] only half of you laughs that should have been everybody

  • Yeah, but a lot of you was sitting there like well, what a Bob Lowe's

  • What is this lotion you speak of and what is the Magic Gary?

  • Just to put it out there you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick

  • Yeah

  • You ever wonder why you did still looks Brand-new?

  • But the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate

  • [but] you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. Oh

  • You got skin everywhere. [oh]

  • Check yourself out

  • bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed

  • That's not part of the natural aging process you dry it out

  • I'm not judging you

  • Not judging anybody

  • [I] don't know anything about lotion never use it the first 33 is my life never use it the one night

  • I was [going] out with this black girl, all right

  • She was getting ready, and she's just putting that shit on everywhere slap turn it on

  • Let's see how like a rash or something

  • Okay, I poison ivy. [I] [don't]

  • [know] just making [sure] that a she

  • Is it a she?

  • She goes dry skin

  • knowing Mom [I]

  • Guess I freaked her out a little bit. I [was] like ah

  • See they were white people get ashley - I was like [yeah], you know I don't think we go

  • I'm gonna live for 33 Years known as episode. She

  • And I heard that word until you said it

  • Feels like you're an idiot stick out your arm

  • So I stick out my ramen ever so gently she just drives her nails down the slope starts coming up

  • It's like pastry pike's flying off track marks [signing] her name

  • Pickasee that she possessed a shit your action freaked me up like oh shit. Oh, man, I

  • Didn't know anything about it. All I knew was that. I always got itchy in the winter

  • [I'm] trigger now. [I] always get into the er with a fuck to make it itchy [I] thought it went the [bastile] was dirty

  • That's what I thought, and I would change it down and put a fresh one now. I'm gonna be okay

  • Take a shower dry on fucking itching again damn. I hate the winner

  • See that that's why you got to hang out with everybody

  • Yeah, there's too much information in the world and every group of people misses a little bit

  • white people totally missed the lotion seminar at

  • Some point in history. I don't [know] it's because we can't see it. You know

  • Black people - she looks like they like leaned up against a chalkboard or something no I can see it

  • They miss it their friends [help] them out like let your ashy mother fucking elbow. What is wrong with you? Hey

  • We missed that shit the way black people missed the [hole] register your weapons summit

  • Just having that the information

  • You might [have] rappers who've been busted for the unregistered glock in the car. Just lost my mind

  • Like why would you do that to yourself? You just want to make an album over the phone? Is that what it is

  • And like [I] [knew] auto-tune - some shit, I don't know

  • Breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think God if he just had one white friend

  • Just had one white friend in his entourage who would've been sitting there going like nothing registered

  • You out of your mind

  • Legal looks like fucking three to five mandatory

  • [hoodie], I do not know that. That's the question. How do you not fucking know that?

  • unregistered weapon in the car that which is good if I'm driving around it just

  • ridiculous

  • See there you go all right. You [don't] need a facelift. Okay. Lay off the booze do some cardio

  • Moisturize you're Gonna be fine

  • They don't believe in these myths black. Don't crack. It's bullshit. They all put lotion on like every 20 minutes during [bakes] ridiculous

  • Don't get a giant oil drum of this shit at home every morning. They wake up

  • They dump themselves in it shake themselves off walk out the door absolutely glistening

  • listening

  • White guys like me you're walking around. No hat on let's go sailing

  • Passing out face [down] in the sand

  • Speaking of no booze a man I've been I've been really trying to clean up my act

  • As far as that booze and [pink] ghost just really been laying off it. You know I

  • Don't know what [his] fucking head gets big

  • If you get older you know you keep booze and you start getting that Big Alec Baldwin John Travolta head

  • And you know notice stuff is every day you're brushing your teeth, and you're seeing your head and just get a little bit bigger

  • Keep drinking, and [I'll] [have] another one [right] then one day

  • You're gonna take [that] cell phone picture

  • And you're just like [6] inches in front of everybody else. Don't think it's a big deal

  • Have you leaned in [cuz] you're feeling good right? Then I'll say look at the pictures like yeah

  • Like I got to lay off this ship

  • [somebody] trying to learn huh, we're not a fixed shit around the house

  • That's what's filling up all this time not just being sober

  • That's brutal dude. You have no idea. How long a year is until [you're] stone sober

  • [oh] fucking brutal some learn how to fix shit right my girlfriend doesn't like it because she says I have a temper

  • You know she's like you know, it's nothing

  • You're trying to fix things is that you get frustrated you punch the wall the dogs start shaking

  • [I] just don't think it's a good idea

  • You know you're a comedian you should tell jokes see the plumber. He should plumb right?

  • Trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something

  • right

  • Everybody does that you're fine, right? Yeah

  • To find something that I can you get halfway through putting it together you like through what a fuck is [a] fucking others. There's

  • But honey, I didn't see it. I

  • Didn't see it

  • Why don't you want to put it together?

  • You want to look at you work together you put together fucking particle board piece of fucking shit

  • structures make no sense [I]