SO MANY THINGS TO SHARE.

STARTING WITH THE BATTLE ROYALE

BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND NANCY

PELOSI.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON

IN YOUR LIVES, BUT YOU MAY KNOW

TRUMP WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE

STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS ON

TUESDAY, AND NANCY PELOSI SHUT

THAT DOWN IN WHAT MANY ARE

DESCRIBING AS AN EMBARRASSING

LOSS FOR OUR EMBARRASSING

PRESIDENT, SO HE WILL NOT GIVE

THE STATE OF THE UNION OR

TUESDAY.

INSTEAD, HE'LL HAVE THE NIGHT

FREE TO EAT CHEESEBURGERS AND

WATCH AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF

LINDSAY LOHAN'S BEACH CLUB.

PELOSI GOT THE BEST OF HIM.

USUALLY WHEN TRUMP BENDS OVER

FOR A WOMAN LIKE THAT, IT'S

BECAUSE SHE'S SPANKING HIM WITH

A MAGAZINE WITH HIS FACE ON IT.

THIS WASN'T AS MUCH FUN.

IT WASN'T THE KIND OF COVERAGE

THE PRESIDENT LIKES.

HE LIKES TO WIN.

SO TO CHANGE THE NARRATIVE, I

GUESS, HE HELD AN IMPROMPTU

PRESS CONFERENCE FROM THE

CABINET ROOM TO WARN US ABOUT

YET ANOTHER CARAVAN.

>> YOU CANNOT HAVE BORDER

SECURITY WITHOUT A WALL.

WE CAN PLAY GAMES AND TALK ABOUT

TECHNOLOGY AND DRONES FLYING

AROUND.

YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW, FORMED IS

AN 8,000-PERSON CARAVAN.

I WOULDN'T SAY TIJUANA'S TOO

HAPPY, BUT THEY'RE HAPPILY

LIVING IN TIJUANA.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, AND THEY'RE

RIDING CHUPACABRAS.

WHEN REPORTERS ASKED HIM WHO HE

BLAMES FOR THIS MESS, YOU'RE NOT

GOING TO BELIEVE WHO HE BLAMES.

>> ONE OF THE PEOPLE I BLAME IS

MYSELF, BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS

SO STRONG RIGHT NOW, STRONGER

THAN EVER BEFORE.

TODAY, TODAY, RIGHT NOW, WE HAVE

MORE PEOPLE WORKING IN THE

UNITED STATES THAN HAS EVER

WORKED IN THIS COUNTRY BEFORE.

THAT'S A GREAT COMPLIMENT.

SO I BLAME MYSELF, OKAY?

>> Jimmy: WAIT A MAINUTE.

IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE YOU WERE

BLAMING YOURSELF AT ALL.

IT SOUNDED LIKE BRAGGING.

BUT I'LL FIX THAT STATEMENT FOR

YOU.

>> I BLAME MYSELF.

>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO, FIX IT.

SO NOW WE'RE AT DAY 34 OF THE

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

TODAY THE SENATE REJECTED NOT

ONE BUT TWO PLANS TO END IT.

PEOPLE ARE UPSET.

IN KENTUCKY YESTERDAY FEDERAL

WORKERS SHOWED UP TO PROTEST AT

SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL'S

OFFICE.

IT WAS A TOTAL MITCH HUNT.

THIS IS A DISASTER FOR TRUMP,

BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF

AMERICANS BLAME HIM FOR THE

SHUTDOWN, MOSTLY BECAUSE HE WAS

DUMB ENOUGH TO SAY I WILL TAKE

THE BLAME FOR THE SHUTDOWN.

HIS SYCOPHANTS AREN'T HELPING,

THE BLUE RIBBON WINNING WILBUR

RAISE WAS ON CNBC OFFERING HIS

ADVICE.

>> THERE ARE REPORTS THAT THERE

ARE SOME FEDERAL WORKERS GOING

TO HOMELESS SHELTERS TO GET

FOOD.

>> WELL, I KNOW THEY ARE, AND I

DON'T REALLY QUITE UNDERSTAND

WHY, BECAUSE, AS I MENTIONED

BEFORE, THE OBLIGATIONS THAT

THEY WOULD UNDERTAKE, SAY

BORROWING FROM A BANK OR CREDIT

UNION ARE IN EFFECT FEDERALLY

GUARANTEED.

SO THE 30 DAYS OF PAY THAT SOME

PEOPLE WILL BE OUT, THERE'S NO

REAL REASON WHY THEY SHOULDN'T

BE ABLE TO GET A LOAN AGAINST

IT.

>> Jimmy: WELL, THANKS, DROOPY.

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET A LOAN?

I THINK IS THE MESSAGE THERE.

ONE OF THE AGENCIES WORKING

WITHOUT PAY IS THE SECRET

SERVICE.

AND SOME AGENTS ARE VENTING

THEIR FRUSTRATION IN A CREATIVE

WAY.

REMEMBER THE SECRET SERVICE ARE

PASSING AROUND COINS, CHALLENGE

COINS TO BOOST MORALE.

THIS IS THE FRONT OF THE COIN,

SAYS UNITED STATES SECRET

SERVICE, ESSENTIAL PERSONNEL.

ON THE BACK IT SAYS DON'T WORRY,

YOU'LL GET BACK PAY IN QUOTES,

AND OPEN, CLOSED.

THIS IS A NICE DETAIL.

ZOOM IN THERE, BECAUSE THEY PUT

A PACIFIER ON THE COIN IN CASE

YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THE SECRET

SERVICE THINKS OF THE

72-YEAR-OLD BABY THEY'RE SWORN

TO TAKE A BULLET FOR.

AND WHILE OUR POLITICIANS ARE

PLA

PLAYING PING-PONG, 800,000

WORKERS AREN'T GETTING PAID.

EVERY NIGHT WE'VE BEEN GIVING A

JOB TO AN UNPAID WORKER, LET'S

GIVE A WELCOME TO NAVY VETERAN

VERONICA ALLEN.

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT YOU DO?

>> I WORK FOR THE U.S. FOREST

SERVICE.

>> Jimmy: WHAT IS YOUR JOB?

>> I AM THE ADMIN SUPPORT

ASSISTANT.

>> Jimmy: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> WE HANDLE ALL THE CLERICAL,

PAPERWORK, HIRING.

>> Jimmy: ALL THE HIRING OF

WHOM?

>> OUR SEASONALS AND

FIREFIGHTERS.

>> Jimmy: THESE ARE THE PEOPLE

WHO GO OUT AND FIGHT THE

WILDFIRES?

>> YES.

>> Jimmy: IS IT TRUE IF WE RAKE

THE FORESTS WE WON'T NEED THOSE

PEOPLE.

>> WE'RE NOT HIRING.

>> Jimmy: WE NEVER HAVE PROBLEMS

WITH FIRES IN CALIFORNIA.

>> NOT IN CALIFORNIA, NO.

>> Jimmy: HOW MANY CHILDREN DO

YOU HAVE?

>> I HAVE THREE.

>> Jimmy: SO YOU NEED THE

PAYCHECK.

>> I DO.

>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER WORKED A

CAMERA BEFORE, A TELEVISION

CAMERA?

>> NO.

>> Jimmy: IT'S LIKE AN I PHONE

THAT WEIGHS 400 POUNDS.

>> OKAY.

>> Jimmy: SO PARKER, WHERE'S, SO

BEHIND THAT, YEAH, GO RIGHT

THERE, AND PARKER'S GOING TO

SHOW YOU, RIGHT BEHIND THE

CAMERA, HOW TO WORK IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JUST SHOW HER HOW TO DO IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO, I'M

EITHER GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THE WHOLE SHOW LIKE

THIS, VERONICA, WE'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO GO UP SOME, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, OKAY.