20、 Obama
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I TELL YOU WHAT, I WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR COMING TO VISIT US IN
NOT-SO-SUNNY LOS ANGELES.
IT'S BEEN RAINING HERE FOR TWO
DAYS NOW.
IT RAIN PED YESTERDAY, AND THEN
THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED, IT
RAINED AGAIN TODAY.
I'M THINKING ABOUT SUING THE
SKY.
TODAY IS THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY
OF THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON.
TEN YEARS AGO TODAY, CAPTAIN
SULLY SULLENBERGER LANDED THE
PLANE SAFELY IN THE RIVER AND
EVERYONE GOT OFF SAFELY.
IF THIS HAPPENED TODAY, YOU KNOW
TRUMP WOULD HAVE BLAMED AMERICA.
THEY PROBABLY NEVER IMAGINED
THAT TEN YEARS LATER, THE HOST
OF CELEBRITY APRESENT TIGS PRENT
FORCING THEM TO HAVE A YARD
SALE.
THERE'S STILL NO END IN SIGHT.
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO HELP THOSE WHO
AREN'T GETTING PAYCHECKS.
SO EVERY NIGHT WE'VE BEEN GIVING
JOBS AT THE SHOW TO ONE OF THE
800,000 FEDERAL WORKERS OUT OF
WORK.
TONIGHT WE ARE GIVING WORK TO
TWO FEDERAL WORKERS, THEY ARE A
MARRIED COUPLE.
PLEASE WELCOME MICHELLE AND
FERNANDO.
TELL EVERYONE HERE WHERE YOU
WORK OR WORKED, I GET.
>> WE WORK FOR THE IRS AS
CUSTOMER SERVICE
REPRESENTATIVES.
.
>> Jimmy: IRS CUSTOMER, SUDDENLY
THEY'RE HAPPY THAT YOU'RE OUT OF
WOURK.
DO YOU GET A DISCOUNT ON YOUR
TAXES?
DO YOU FILE A JOINT RETURN?
IS THAT WISE?
>> YES, IT'S WISE.
>> Jimmy: IF YOU AREN'T AT WORK,
DOES THAT MEAN FEWER PEOPLE ARE
GETTING AUDITED BY THE IRS?
>> I'M NOT ABLE TO ANSWER THAT
QUESTION.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU ABLE TO ANSWER
THIS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY DEPEND ENTSS,
CHILDREN.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: I HEARD YOU WERE GOING
ON VACATION, TO FRESNO BUT YOU
WEREN'T ABLE TO GO BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T HAVE YOUR PAYCHECKS, WE
CALLED AND THEY ARE GIVING YOU
TICKETS TO BOTH THE PARKS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE YOU GO, WE'RE LASS GALSO G
TO GIVE YOU A JOB TONIGHT.
THIS IS NOT A HANDOUT SITUATION,
YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR THIS.
SO TED DANSON IS ON THE SHOW,
AND ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST
BELOVED ACTORS.
BUT THIS IS SAD.
TED DANSON DOESN'T HAVE AN
ENTOURAGE.
HE HAS NO PEOPLE.
COME ON OUT HERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HI, TED.
THANK YOU FOR, SO TED, WHY
DON'T, YOU'RE A BIG STAR, WHY
DON'T YOU HAVE AN ENTOURAGE?
>> I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE.
I JUST NEVER COULD FIND THE
RIGHT PEOPLE.
>> Jimmy: GREAT NEWS, I GOT THE
RIGHT PEOPLE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
>> HERE WE ARE.
>> Jimmy: MICHELLE AND FERNANDO.
>> GO WITH TED AND FOLLOW HIM
AROUND ANG AND AGREE WITH
EVERYTHING HE SAYS.
>> COULD WE GO OUTSIDE?
I JUST LOVE IT WHEN IT RAINS.
>> WE DO TOO!
>> Jimmy: EVERYBODY'S A WINNER
HERE.
>> JIMMY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
HI TO GUILLERMO, I LOVE
GUILLERMO.
>> WE LOVE GUILLERMO, TOO!
>> OKAY.
OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME.
>> Jimmy: OPEN THE DOOR FOR TED,
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S HOW IT GOES.
PERFECT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW, ONE REAL NEGATIVE
EFFECT OF THE SHUTDOWN, LONG
NUMBERS AT THE AIRPORT.
TSA WORKERS HAVE BEEN CALLING IN
SICK.
MORE THAN TWICE AS USUAL MISSED
THEIR SHIFTS YESTERDAY OPTING TO
STAY HOME AND FRISK THEIR
FAMILIES I GUESS.
BUT THIS IS THE LINE IN ATLANTA
YESTERDAY.
AND SOMEBODY SHOT THIS VIDEO AND
PLACED IT ONLINE.
THIS IS THE LINE BEFORE THE TSA
LINE.
IT'S SO LOCHKNG IT GOES ALL THE
THROUGH THE AIRPORT, OUTSIDE,
INTO THE DESERT.
YOU SEE, IT STRETCHES ALL THE
WAY TO INDIA, OKAY?
SO THIS IS A REAL, THIS IS A
REAL INCONVENIENCE.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M WORRIED
ABOUT?
I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHEN THE
SHUTDOWN IS OVER AND THE TSA
AGENTS COME BACK TO WORK EXTRA
FIRED UP TO SEARCH US BECAUSE
THEY HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A WHILE.
YOU GOT TO PROTECT YOUR
CAVITIES, FOLKS.
THE FEDERAL WORKERS ARE GOING,
DONALD TRUMP MADE HISTORY, THE
FIRST U.S. PRESIDENT EVER TO
CONGRATULATE HIMSELF ON PLACING
A FAST FOOD ORDER.
HE TWEETED, GREAT BE BEING WITH
THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS CLEMSON
TIGERS.
BECAUSE OF THE SHUTDOWN I FED
THEM MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FOOD, I
PAID, OVER 1,000 HAMBURGERS, ET
CETERA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HAMBURGERS.
HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
THE E AND THE U AREN'T EVEN NEAR
EACH OTHER ON THE KEYBOARD.
IT'S LIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF
TWEETING HE HAD A STROKE OR
SOMETHING.
OR, IS IT POSSIBLE HE THOUGHT
THEY WERE CALLED HAMBURGERS
UNTIL TODAY?
HE TOOK THE TWEET DOWN AND
CORRECTED IT, BUT NOT BEFORE HE
GOT TROLLED BY AMONG OTHER
PEOPLE, BURGER KING.
DUE TO A LARGE ORDER YESTERDAY,
WE ARE OUT OF HAMBERDERS TODAY.
PUT THE TWEET UP AGAIN FOR A
SECOND.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT I LOVE MOST
ABOUT THIS, THE FACT THAT HE
WRITES HAMBERDERS OR "I PAID".
THE TWEET SAID IT WAS OVER 1,000
HAMBURGERS, BUT THE SOURCE
INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE CLAIMS
THE NUMBER OF BURGERS WAS MUCH
LOWER THAN THAT.
>> WE HAVE PIZZAS, WE HAVE 300
HAMBURGERS.
>> Jimmy: HE HAS TO LIE ABOUT
EVERYTHING.
HE CAN'T HELP IT.
OR MAYBE HE'S THE OTHER 700
HAMBURGERS HIMSELF.
THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS DON'T COME
OUT UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
BULL AS F
BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED WE
ALREADY HAVE THE BEST PICTURE.
THIS, TO ME, IS THE BEST PICTURE
OF THE YEAR.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THE HAPPIEST HE'S BEEN SINCE KIM
KARDASHIAN VISITED.
THIS IS IMAGE YOU SEE WHEN YOU
TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD IN "BIRD
BOX
BOX."
IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S A SUPER
VILLAIN WHO SET UP A TRAP TO
CATCH HIMSELF.
BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM IT TO K
HOW TO SPELL HAMBURGERS.
WE WENT OUT ON THE STREET TO SEE
IF WE COULD FIND ANYONE WHO
COULD SPELL IT.
♪ ♪
>> HI THERE.
SPELL HAMBURGERS.
>> CAPITAL H, LOWERCASE A,
M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> HAMBURGERS?
H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-E-R-S?
>> NO!
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?
>> HAMBURGERS, OKAY,
H-A-M-B-U-G-E-U-E-R-S.
>> THAT WAS WORSE.
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?
>> PICTURE A HAMBURGER IN YOUR
HEAD.
>> THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
H-A-M-B-U -- NO, E-R-G-U-E-R-S?
>> NO.
>> NOWHERE CLOSE?
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-U-S?
>> NO.
>> M-AH-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> START FROM THE TOP.
>> OKAY.
H-A-M.
B-U-R-G-U-E?
>> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.
>> HOW ABOUT HOT DOG?
>> HOT DOG IS AN EASY ONE.
H-O-T-D-O-G.
>> ALL RIGHT, CLOSE ENOUGH.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: MEANWHILE IN THE
SENATE, DAY ONE OF TWO-DAY
CONFIRMATION HEARINGS FOR
WILLIAM B
WILLIAM BARR.
HE SAID MUELLER SHOULD BE ABLE
TO CLEAT OMPLETE HIS WORK AND WI
NOT LET PERSONAL OPINIONS
INFLUENCE THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION.
>> WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A
CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH MR.
MUELLER?
>> I WOULD SAY WE ARE GOOD
FRIENDS.
>> WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU
UNDERSTAND HIM TO BE A
FAIR-MINDED PERSON?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> DO YOU TRUST HIM TO BE FAIR
TO THE PRESIDENT AND THE COUNTRY
AS A WHOLE?
>> YES.
>> WHEN HIS REPORT COMES TO YOU,
WILL YOU SHARE WITH US AS MUCH
AS POSSIBLE?
>> CONSISTENT WITH REGULATIONS
AND THE LAW, YES.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE MR. MUELLER
WOULD BE INVOLVED IN A WITCH
HUNT AGAINST ANYBODY?
>> I DON'T BELIEVE MR. MUELLER
WOULD BE INVOLVED IN A WITCH
HUNT.
JO
>> Jimmy: WE'LL SEE.
ALL WE KNOW IS IN THE MOVIE
HE'LL BE PLAYED BY JOHN GOODMAN.
OVER THE SUMMER HE WROTE A
LETTER UNSOLICITED TO ROD
ROSENSTEIN SHARPLY CRITICIZING
THE INVESTIGATION.
AND NOW WE FIND OUT HE'S CLOSE
FRIEND OF ROBERT MUELLER.
WHAT IF BACK WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS
TRUMP WAS GOING TO FIRE SESSIONS
HE WON'T TO HIS BUDDY AND SAID I
NEED AN ATTORNEY GENERAL I CAN
COUNT ON.
YOU WRITE A LETTER, SEND IT TO
ROSENSTEIN AND LET ME HAVE IT.
SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT ABOUT ME.
HE'LL SHOW IT TO THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT WILL NOMINATE YOU
AND WILL NAIL THIS GUY. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT IF
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中級 米

Trump Eats Hamberders While Government Remains Shut Down

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Jingjiang Li 2019 年 2 月 1 日 に公開

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