I love reading fables.

If you weren't paying attention in 10th grade english.

A fable is a short story usually with talking animals,

That have a moral at the end of them.

A good way to remember is that the word fable starts with an "F"

And, so does... Furrys...

So...

So examples of fable you might have heard.

Are the "The Tortoise And The Hare"

Ummm...

"Humpty Dumpty"

"Pacific Rim"

And the

Autobiography of Hillary Clinton

This ones a fable becuase the main characters a bi-(Word Cuts Off)

Ha Ha

I'm just kidding, Humpty Dumptys not a fable

So theres this guy named 'Aesop'

And he's best known for creating a bunch of fables

He's written over 655

And seriously I don't know why for some reason

We can't find the exact number

'How many fables has he written?'

'Over 655!'

'Oh so...'

'656?'

Like whats the range here?

Unfortunately he has died

So he won't be writing anymore fables

So why can't we get the exact number?

Like what the heck guys!

And he also had a very strong no photo policy

So no pictures of him were ever taken

Because he was born around 500 BC

I don't even think he knew what a camera was soo...

Here we go this is what he supposedly looked like

And what I like the most about fables

Is that the wording is so..

Like

Shakespearean and old-timey

And it makes you feel like your smart for reading these short paragraphed story's

And even better they have a moral and the end of them

So once your done reading your like

'Oh man that was deep'

Like every single fable can end with one character dropping a microphone

(Mic Dropping Sounds)

Like the whole story is just build up to that one 'Moral Moment'

Ok so im going to read some of my favorite fables to you guys

These aren't -

I'm not going to read them as Aesop wrote them though

Because he had so many unnecessary smart sounding words

When really all of his fables can be shorted down to like three sentances

So here we go Aesop's fables in my own words

(Cleares Throat)

So theres these mice that get together

And they're trying to come up with a plan to stop this cat from killing them

And one mouse is like ' Oh we could put a bell around the cat. You know so now we can hear it or something'

And This Other Mouse Is Like ' Yeah, alright yeah thats cool'

'Who's Going To Put The Bell On It?'

(Mic Drops)

(Great Noise)

Ok so this one is kind of actually stupid

I dont really know what the moral is

Like maybe no one wants to be the person to sacrifice themselves for the good of humanity

Or Mice-anity

(Groans)

Ok so heres my version of the rest of that story

So after the mouse said that

The other mouse goes

'Oh jeez other mouse I didnt think of that'

'Well i guess, I say we all get our toothpicks and kill the cat!'

You know atleast that ending made sence

A Bell (Scoffs)

How about you poison it?

Or move somewhere theres not a cat in the first place

So theres this horse and a groom

Which is not the wedding kind

Its the actual groom-er

Which just calls himself groom

So this groom spends all his time brushing the horse and making it look pretty

And also takes some of the horses oats and sells it for extra cash

Ok stop right there

Aren't oats meant to be really cheap?

Isn't that a thing?

Ok so the horse is getting malnourished

And Says

'You know, you should really stop worrying about brushing me'

'And more about feeding me'

(Mouths Explosion)

Man thats DEEP

I.. I Think

The moral is don't steal your horse's oats

Especially if it talks, like you'll never hear the end of it

(Another Mic Drops)

So there's this farmer

And he somehow gets a goose that lays golden eggs

And now you might be thinking

Whats with all these gooses that lay golden eggs!?

Jack And The Beanstalk did it

The Simpleton Brothers did it

Well did you know this is the very first time a goose laying golden eggs has ever appeared in writing

I actually don't know if that's true i made it up

I mean it might be true I don't know, it was 500 BC you guys that's a long time ago

And the goose only lays one (golden) egg a day

And the farmer gets greedy and wants more eggs

So he thinks

'Aw, I bet the eggs are inside the goose!'

So he chops up the goose and guess what...

Theres only more goose.. parts in there not eggs

(Goose Drops Mic)

Ok so the moral, know how basic thing work

Especially if your a farmer and you don't know how geese work

Or atleast be close friends with someone who knows this

'Hey man I dont think thats how geese work'

'I mean, I get how you might think this is a magic goose'

'Because everything about this is physically impossible'

'But we could already live pretty decent lives with just one egg a day

'Like were already in the top 1% now'

How can a goose carry around a golden egg inside of itself

Do you know who heavy gold is?

If there's solid gold, can a goose ever have babies?

It seems like an evolutionary dead end to me

So there once was this bat

And he fell

Somehow.. Aesop never really said how it fell

Its a bat! It can fly!

Ok so the bat gets caught by a weasel

Like one of these things?

Ok so your saying a Bat, gets caught by a Weasel

'Cause He Fell...

Whatever Ok

So the weasel says 'I am an enemy to all birds'

'And Im Going To Eat You'

And The Bat Goes 'I.. I'm not a bird, i'm a mouse'

'Oh what are these things that look like wings'

'Oh these.. uh... thats... my'

'Blanket, because i'm cold'

Ok that part wasn't in the story

So the weasel lets him go

But then is happens again! But with a different weasel

And This Weasel Says

'I am an enemy to mice, and im going to eat you'

And the Bat goes:

'Oh tiny Weasel but i'm not a mouse i'm a bird'

And then he lets him go

Again

Sometimes Aesop wrote the moral that your supposed to take at the end

He did it with this one and the moral forbatum is:

So are you saying to follow the crowd?

Like, go with the flow

Thats not really a good moral Aesop!

Also, why didnt the bat just say:

'IM A BAT LOSERS, AND I CAN FLY.. LATER'

It's also teaching you to make up lies on the spot, that contradict your first lie

Thats how you get caught lying!

Ok, so last fable

So this Crow has a piece of cheese in her beak

And this Fox comes along and is like

'Oh, You're so beautiful.. Oh I just love your feathers'

'I Wish I Could Just Hear You Sing'

This Crow is now very flattered, and she goes to sing.

And then the cheese falls out of her mouth, and the fox eats it.

And then the last line, this is beautiful

The Fox Says

'You have a voice madam, I see'

'What you want is wits'

(Airhorns)

Moral of the story, everybody wants to steal your cheese

Don't let your guard down for a second!

That would be a good t-shirt design, like

It would say

'Everyone Wants To Steal Your Cheese'

And then it would have like a silhouette of a fox and a crow

Someone make that t-shirt

I'll buy it

(Outro Music)