movies came out. But… which is best?

(Obviously not Rome 2). There's only one way to find out. I shall

compare them in a controlled and fair environment. For this I have chosen play as the English

and to crush the French, rating how fun it is to do so in each and every game.

Of course, this does mean that I may have to skip the Japan-only Shogun titles -and

possibly the Warhammer ones- but what's the point in playing a Total War game without

the British any way? So today, I'll be trying out Medieval: Total

War. The oldest of the series (apart from Shogun), and the very first that I bought.

Those were good times: I got it as a combined deal with Morrowind for £30. Pound-for-pound

the best deal since I got these TWO DEADLY SHOOTERS for ONE BULLET PROOF PRICE.

LET'S BEGIN. Good old Medieval: Total War. It may have

been basic but knew it was total war, not a 2% bonus micromanagement simulator. No,

this title kept it simple, letting you focus on the things that really mattered. Like invading

countries and forcing incestuous family trees. But first things first: before I can think

about France, I must first unite my own island. And get used to the controls, which are quite

a bit different from the later games. I couldn't work out how to get units to

leave their castles for a while, then accidentally got my King stuck in there as well.

But with all that figured out, I was ready to take over the world, starting with Wales.

The battle would be long and hard. Many men would fall. Equipped with longbowmen and some

of the wettest, slipperiest and most miserable hills in the world, they'd rek my armies

and delay my attack on France. So I bribed them instead.

The plus points of this approach are that I get to keep my own army, PLUS a new one!

The down-sides are that it costs 2,000 florins…

…and I get Wales.

But it's probably best to get some practice of the battles in, so I launched an attack

on Scotland, led by the King himself!

To maximise my archers' range, I chose to fight when the weather would be clear all

day. But remember… this is Britain. Having maximised my chances, now all I had to do

was to find the enemy. I found them hidden in the trees. I kind of

expected them to jump out at me as I went past them, but they seemed happy camped there,

allowing me to gain the high-ground and to launch barrage after barrage of arrows into

their ranks, which was a tad hindered by the rain.

It took them long enough, but they eventually responded and we became engaged in TOTAL WAR.

My foot-soldiers were my major weakness, comprising of peasants who stood no chance against their

hardened warriors. But I had horses, and the King himself flanked the enemy and charged

into their rears, sandwiching the Scottish. But then another bunch of Scotsmen sandwiched

MY horses between them. Things got messy and I tried to get my horses to retreat. But they

weren't having any of it. I was honestly expecting my King to die any second.

Even though they had a pretty good advantage, having their general die immediately made

the rest of them give up and run away, meaning that I had secured the whole of Britain for

myself. But a difficult choice lay ahead. Should I,

the King of England, be a ruthless dictator, or a fair and just leader? After all, it was

I who had invaded their lands so why should they-

*Sound of death, destruction and the lamentations of the women*

…Onto France. It was truly a blessed day for England. Not

only had I secured the island, but the Pope paid me for being a good Christian and my

Son came of age, ready to be tossed into the battlefield as cannon fodder! I married him

to both of his sisters to ensure the bloodline remained pure, and planned my assault on France.

Turns out England used to be pretty awesome and had already taken over most of Western

France. The French mostly resided in the East, though strangely also held onto Brittany.

Clearly this is the first place I want to attack- though it's guarded by a pretty

formidable general. I decided to play it smart for now by reinforcing

what I had first by securing everywhere with forts and to research people with actual weapons

to be my main foot soldiers. Also, the bloody Welsh were at it again with another, bigger

army that I had to deal with. ...but I had a problem. I didn't have enough

money to bribe Wales, but also I didn't have a big enough army to comfortably beat

them with. So instead, progress slowed to a crawl. I built farms and all that boring-ass-shit

instead, spamming the end turn button as my money replenished and then was spent again,

over and over. But the time wasn't wasted. I remembered

a lot about the game's mechanics. Countries came to me requesting alliances, and in general

there was great peace and prosperity across the world… apart from when Germany attacked

France and was then excommunicated. That was something I'd have to bear in mind for when

I finally decided to attack them myself. This is kind of sad, but being a fan of Lord

of the Rings I always made a big effort to ally with Aragon. So of course, I accepted

without a moment's notice when they requested it this time.

Spamming the end turn button, I knew the clock was ticking. The French would troll me by

saying how happy they were, and sadly the King of England eventually died too, replaced

by one of his many illegitimate sons. I was eventually rich enough to bribe Wales

again, amassing a large and well-equipped army with it. And I prepared for my attack

on France. And for now at least, the royal family was

doing a good job of keeping their perversions secret. The incest was starting to take effect

too as the royal family evolved to the next level!

I began researching buildings that could produce exotic units. Or at least, not just your average

farmer. I lowered tax rates in far-out regions so I could move their armies to the front

line without fear of rebellion. My troops from England landed in Flanders

to face the French King's army, while my already-France-based troops teamed up against

Brittany. My English troops didn't even get a fight

since the French just ran away. But those in Brittany had nowhere to go and a battle

broke out between 2 high-ranked armies. I approached them slowly, across the hills.

Their 2 almighty ballistas managed an impressive ONE kill before they were overrun and destroyed.

With so much Calvary it was easy for me to create a pincer, trapping their army in the

middle. The right flank alone could hold its own but

it was the left that really pushed them back. At this point it descended into a massive

raging brawl. But I was the victor and their army, scattered in all directions.

It's kind of hard to see because the controls are SO BAD. But I'm doing my best here,

honest! This fight, it wasn't even close. Some of

them regrouped and I had to hold my own with just a handful of units while the rest rushed

to help from across the battlefield. But they all handled themselves beautifully and I crushed

their army, claiming Brittany for my own. But what happened next was even better. Countries

from across the world all wrote to me letting me know that they had chosen my side and suddenly

the French found themselves very lonely. And to top it all off, the POPE blessed me and

my Christian ways and decided that France had some how broken a treaty and that he would

no longer be friends with them. Jeez… I kind of felt sorry for them. Poor

France. But I had to keep the momentum up! I launched

3 more attacks the following year. The first to lay siege to the castle at Brittany. I

auto-resolved this one since it was 2 EZ. The second the French just ran away. But the

third became a surprisingly close battle. There was a damn lake in the middle of it

and the enemies kept running away. It resulted in my armies being spread too thin, then my

generals got caught up in a fight that they didn't want to run from and I ended up losing

pretty much all of them. The enemy didn't come off much better. He

sent some brave 1-man armies against my urban militia and dealt WAYYY more damage than he

should have done. And then the second 1-man army arrived.

It was a messy brawl. When my main general fell, those engaged in combat quickly ran

away. But luckily my reserve footmen finally made it to the frontline and finished off

the stragglers. I had won the battle, but it was a very costly

victory. I had secured 3 more provinces and ransomed

back important prisoners for a HUGE load of money… but then the Pope decided I had had

enough fun and threatened me with excommunication. This meant I had 2 turns to get out of French-owned

provinces before the Pope tells the whole of Europe to DESTROY me.

And so began another boring period where I built up my armies and shifted them to the

front-line, waiting for the excommunication timeout. I began to get some pretty decent

units and commanded a siege that I couldn't be bothered to do properly and sustained heavy

losses, but here's what such a battle looks like in case you were interested.

Admittedly when I agreed to this battle I thought I was the one in the castle, defending

against the French. But sadly, that wasn't the case- I don't think they've attacked

me once so far. Poor French. They had pimped their fortress out with catapults, ballistas

and burning oil which they poured on my army. I lost a decent general amidst the commotion.

All in all I think this would have been one of the better battles to have autoresolved.

Any way, eventually the Pope forgot about my aggression and I could set to work destroying

what looked very much like the final French province, guarded by a decent army and the

King himself. What should have been an epic 6,000-strong

battle was marred by poor camera controls and trees. Which, when coupled with bugged

and sticky- feeling units under my command, made me just ramp up the speed and turn it

into a huge bloodbath. The battle raged on but the quality of my troops and the fact

that I had like, twice the number, resulted in an easy victory where the French ran away.

The French were no more. A once powerful faction, crushed beneath the boots of the English.

I had done it in 62 years! Could have done it sooner, I guess. But I chose to play it

smart. To pick my battles and to invest in decent units. And to not get excommunicated.

This has been Medieval Total War. First released in 2002, it is kind of showing its age. The

battles are annoyingly unresponsive and I can appreciate the improvements they've

made in more recent titles. I like the difference the quality of the units makes- get a decent

soldier and he'll destroy weaker ones. Something I feel has been toned down too much in the

newer games. But while the battles feel dated, the campaign

map is as fun as it's always been. Diplomacy is lacking. There's not a lot of depth.

And autoresolving battles normally means you lose. But there are things this title does

well and that the newer games could learn from- most notably, the decisions you make

in this game feel meaningful and you see the consequences of them just minutes later. Future

Total War games slow to a crawl and you've normally forgotten what decisions you made

before they start to pay off. Plus, the buildings you can have in this one feel like stuff you

want to build! Build a castle? It looks like a castle for the rest of the game and really

helps in sieges! Get a decent sword making place? You're rewarded with REALLY good

units well before everywhere else does. I love this and have had many great stories

to tell after just a few hours of gameplay. Plus the family trees are awesome. I give

this game 7/10.