But no one will do it.

[ Laughter ]

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet.

Did you guys hear what I just said?

[ Laughter ]

She owned a parakeet.

Oh, my God.

That [bleep] thing never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

[ Laughter and applause ]

My ex-girlfriend had a lot of, like, really annoying habits.

I think the worst was that she loved to read women's magazines,

like Cosmo or, uh...

or things like Cosmo.

And she would flip straight to the relationship quiz.

And not only would she present that to me

as if it was, like, a fun activity

for us to do together --

even though every question is designed

to [bleep] my entire world up.

But even worse is she would get mad at my answers

and make me change them so we'd get the best score.

Like, I'll never forget the last time we played that game.

She was like, "Anthony,

if you could have lunch with anyone in the world,

living or dead, who would it be?"

And I said, "I don't know. Caligula."

[ Laughter ]

And she goes, "Really? Caligula? That's your answer?

That's what you're gonna say to me, your girlfriend?

Are you sure?"

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Let me change that. I'd have lunch with you.

And you'd be dead."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, we're not together anymore.

She's got a new boyfriend now.

They just moved in together.

And I've heard rumors that he's abusive,

which makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat

and then blame it on her boyfriend.

[ Laughter ]