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  • in this video I'm going to assess an IELTS essay which was written in response

  • to this question you should spend about 40 minutes on this task write about the

  • following topic many museums charge for admission while others are free do you

  • think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the

  • disadvantages give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples

  • from your own knowledge or experience write at least 250 words and here is the

  • answer to the question museums are unique places where you get

  • to experience the history from past to the latest technology however admission

  • is required when entering museums are popular places to go to on a weekends

  • with family or friends admissions are one of the funds which keeps the museum

  • running and also to maintain its exhibits without admission museums would

  • be dirty poorly maintained and likely impossible to operate unless funded from

  • government or charity however admissions are one thing which

  • may keep the customer from entering usually we have to pay around $30 for

  • admissions children or family which doesn't earn much simply cannot afford

  • such amount they will go to museum which is free or even not go and experience

  • the greatness of the museum which i think is horrible because it should be

  • open for everyone I think having an admission is a disadvantage since

  • museums should be open for everyone but admissions are essential for running the

  • museums so I think it is very important to come up with a plan so that museums

  • could be operated but also be admission free such as government funding or doing

  • a charity Auckland museum is one great example it is

  • one of the biggest museums in New Zealand but it is also free of admission

  • since it's government-funded so overall I think it's quite a good

  • response to the task it's got in paragraph two it talks about the

  • advantages of admissions charges here the disadvantages of admissions charges

  • here the opinion is clearly stated but there's not an awful lot of signposting

  • language cohesive devices to tell me what's about to be written so in

  • paragraph two I don't know that the writer was going to write about the

  • advantages of admissions charges until they actually get into the paragraph so

  • that's a bit of a problem it could say maybe here there are many advantages to

  • admissions charges instead it actually starts off with this general statement

  • and this would be better off in the previous paragraph in the introduction

  • so let's look at how this essay can be assessed against the band descriptors

  • used by IELTS examiner's let's look at first of all the task response

  • descriptors I'm just going to zoom in here

  • so it's certainly going to pass a band 4 is it a band five addresses the task

  • only partially the format may be inappropriate I think it's better than

  • this it's fairly well covered it's covered all the main points so I think

  • it's better than a five is it a six addresses all parts of the task yes it

  • does although some parts may be more fully covered than others I think

  • the covered is fairly balanced so it could be better than this relevant

  • position yes there's an opinion conclusions may become unclear or

  • repetitive not really the opinion is quite good presents relevant main ideas

  • but some may be inadequately developed or unclear inadequately developed yes

  • this essay is I think the ideas are inadequately developed the ideas could

  • be expanded with specific examples so for example in paragraph two the writer

  • could write an example of a free local museum which is dirty and under maintained

  • just to support this argument here so it needs an example similarly here there

  • could be an example in paragraph three of a museum which does charge an

  • entrance fee and is almost always empty and you can make up an example of that

  • so it needs an example to support the ideas so I would say that this is

  • definitely a band 6 essay for task response but but how many words are in

  • this ok it's actually only 220 words 220 words is below the word count of 250

  • which means that I must reduce the task response score by 1

  • It doesn't have enough words so it's a band 5 it would have been a band 6 but with

  • another needed 30 more words to get a band 6 let's look at coherence and

  • cohesion now so let's go down to band 4 presents information and ideas yes but

  • these are not arranged coherently they are arranged coherently and there was no

  • there is clear progression so it's better than this so let's go up presents

  • information with some organization yes but there may be a lack of overall

  • progression no there is overall progression that's okay it's better than

  • this but makes inadequate inaccurate or overuse of cohesive devices cohesive

  • devices let's have a look what cohesive devices are used here because when I was

  • reading it that's the one thing that stood out that there weren't many so

  • we've got however however usually we got so as well since but and so that so

  • there are some cohesive devices there I just feel that there needs to be more

  • signposting especially at the start of paragraph 2 so that's one problem area

  • so it's inadequate use of cohesive devices I think maybe repetitive because

  • of lack of referencing there is quite a bit of referencing in this essay so in

  • paragraph 3 we got they which refers back to children or family and in paragraph 4

  • it refers back to Auckland Museum and you've got it here again and it again referring

  • back to Auckland museum so there was some accurate use of referencing but not

  • much referencing so I wouldn't say lack of referencing so it's possibly up here

  • let's have a look arranges information and ideas coherently yes clear overall

  • progression yes uses cohesive devices effectively I'm

  • not sure about that one I would tend to go for this level which is a band five

  • but some examiners might give this a band six it depends whether or not they think

  • cohesive devices are used effectively they're certainly not faulty there's not

  • mistakes being made with them so it's a tricky one I would say a band five though

  • it's a band five or possibly a band six lexical resource next with lexical

  • resource we're looking for certainly for a band seven we're looking for precise

  • language good collocations variety in the use of language not too many

  • mistakes easy to understand so the language should not get in the way of

  • communication so let's have a look at some of the language used in this essay

  • some positive things we've got unique places we've got popular places

  • although you've got places repeated here the writer could use a different

  • word instead of this you've also got exhibits but I'll come back to this

  • poorly maintained that's a good collocation as well but again I'll come

  • back to this funds is another good use a good piece of language in paragraph

  • three you've got afford I also like the language open for everyone and in

  • paragraph four come up with a plan that's quite a nice piece of language

  • too I think one problem though with the

  • essay is the overuse of admission so you've got the word here admission

  • admissions here admission admissions admission so admission again so the word

  • admission has been used many many times and it appears in the task question and

  • you want to try and avoid using words in the task if at all possible so instead

  • the writer could have used phrases like entrance fee or entrance

  • charge and they've also used the word incorrectly admissions are one thing

  • which may keep the customer from entering it's not admissions and

  • admission is when you enter a building the writer should be writing admission

  • charges so having an admission charge is a

  • disadvantage so the word is actually being repeated a lot and it's used

  • incorrectly as well there's not too much to say negatively about the use of

  • language the language is quite natural there is one other point that I

  • would bring up is the word horrible I think is horrible this is very emotive

  • language so the register is not correct for an essay for an academic essay you

  • wouldn't write I think is horrible in an academic essay so you want to try and

  • keep your your emotions out of it so I would say here even not to go and

  • experience the greatness of the museum which I think should be open for

  • everyone also doing a charity is a not a natural collocation we would say running

  • a charity there are a few spelling mistakes as well exhibits should have an

  • H here poorly maintained poorly is spelt like this and also government now

  • we say government but there's actually an N hiding in the word and the word

  • government is also misspelled further down so you've got a few this writer

  • has got a few spelling mistakes as well so I think overall while the writing the

  • vocabulary is easy to understand and there's not too many examples of

  • unnatural language there is a general lack of flexibility and precise language

  • one other thing I wanted to point out as well is the greatness of the museum

  • that's not very natural language so how does this compare with the band

  • descriptors limited range of vocabulary possibly but it's that's okay maybe

  • limited noticeable errors in spelling that may cause some difficulty for the

  • reader no I can understand the essay this is one of the big differences

  • between a band 5 and a band 6 at band 5 may cause some difficulty but band 6

  • they do not impede communication so it's probably more like a band 6 adequate

  • range of vocabulary yes attempts to use less common vocabulary yes some

  • inaccuracy yes so it looks like a band 6 is it a band 7 sufficient possibly

  • flexibility and precision No so it's going to be a band 6 for lexical

  • resource grammar grammatical range and accuracy next let's have a

  • look admission is required so you've got a passive there and there's also a few

  • uses of relative clauses which keeps two funds which keeps so a relative clause

  • there however it should be funds which keep the museum running funds keep and

  • some relative clauses here which so that museum which is free there's a few errors

  • with the use of articles should be they will go to a museum which is free and

  • also near the top the history I would simply write to experience history from

  • past and it should also be the past there's a nice sentence starter in

  • paragraph two without admission so that's a good thing would be another

  • good use of grammar in paragraph three which which may here but also an error

  • which doesn't so children or family is plural so which don't earn much

  • and in paragraph four there is so that so there was a dependent clause here a

  • plan so that so there is some there are some complex sentences not too

  • many mistakes good overall control of grammar very few errors but not a great

  • variety of structures no conditionals not many dependent clauses so how does

  • that compare with the band descriptors so this is a band six over here and five

  • band four very limited no it's not very limited rare use no there are a few

  • relative clauses limited range of structures I would say yes it is limited

  • attempts complex sentences yes but these tend to be less accurate than simple

  • sentences I think they're used accurately frequent grammatical errors no and again

  • we've got this issue of can cause some difficulty do the grammatical

  • errors cause difficulty for the reader no they don't and up here here there may

  • be grammatical errors but they rarely reduce communication so I think we're up

  • here there was a mix of simple and complex sentence forms there could be

  • more so we're definitely at a band six are we at a band seven uses a

  • variety no you would need wider range things like conditionals to have a

  • variety of complex structures so we're definitely at a band six for grammar

  • which means that the overall band score is 5.5 the writer would have got a band

  • six if they had written 30 words more because it's the the task response that

  • affected it task response there if that was a six you would get 5.75

  • overall which is rounded up to a six so that's the difference between a

  • six and a 5.5 it was the the lack of words had the writer simply done a word

  • count they would have noticed they had to write thirty words more maybe they

  • ran out of time but that was the difference between a five point five and

  • a six so there's the score for this essay hope that helps

in this video I'm going to assess an IELTS essay which was written in response

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B1 中級

IELTSライティング評価 (IELTS Writing Assessment)

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    ben に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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