And welcome to 2018.

[CHEERING]

I hope your New Year's resolution

is to register to vote.

Because mine is to kick nonvoters in the face.

Anyway, last week was like a perfect storm

of events designed to piss off our president.

It began with something he hates-- bad press-- and ended

with something he hates more--

women who don't tolerate sexual assault.

A new day is on the horizon!

[CHEERING]

Oh, shit, she broke Laura Dern.

OK, but the year's best piece of entertainment

wasn't on Sunday night.

It was on Sunday morning when journalist and research team

panty-wetter Jake Tapper interviewed

Trump's senior advisor and human-like casing

filled with wriggly squid tentacles, Stephen Miller.

When tapper had the audacity to bring up the president's

former top aide accusing his son of treason,

Miller got riled up.

Oh, that's his riled up face.

All these so-called political geniuses in Washington,

whether it be at the big lobbying

firms or many of the well known folks in Congress--

The only person who's called himself

a genius in the last week is the president.

But the--

Which is because it happens to be a true statement.

OK.

A self-made billionaire who revolutionized

reality TV and who-- - And I'm sure--

--has changed the course of our politics.

--he's watching, and he's happy that you said that.

Trump was happy, so happy he unfurled

one of his precious hairs and gave it to him as a prize.

The reason Stephen Miller had to go on TV and pledge

his loyalty to Trump was the new book,

"Fire and Fury", which has dominated the news for a week.

It's insanely popular, like an all-Slytherin Harry Potter.

But fun as it is, it's riddled with inaccuracies.

It's thinly-sourced and full of typos.

I mean, Steve Bannon is gross, but I

don't think he does anything with mounting

ferocity and pubic venom.

[LAUGHTER]

Actually, on second thought, that might not be a typo.

Bannon's quotes in the book ended

the Trump-Bannon bromance, and Trump

got full custody of the Pepes.

REPORTER: Steve Bannon is out at Breitbart.

Well, at least now that he's out of the public eye,

he can spend more time doing what he loves--

living in a painting and waiting to fight the Ghostbusters.

[LAUGHTER]

"Fire and Fury" is basically the book-length version of a Trump

tweet, only vaguely truth adjacent, but incredibly

distracting, which is too bad.

Because while everyone on cable news

was fixated on Michael Wolff's shoddy ninth-generation Xerox

copy of "Game Change", there were

actual things happening, like news and stuff or whatever.

I don't know.

Mostly to brown people.

So preparations for the 2020 census.

The Department of Justice is now trying to get census

to add an additional question on citizenship

to that census, which is likely to depress turnout

or participation of Hispanics.

Putting a citizenship question on the census

is a real racist win-win.

Either they get a list of undocumented immigrants,

or Hispanic people avoid answering the census

and lose congressional representatives and funding.

Efficient.

Look, you can't just add whatever

questions you want to the census for your own agenda.

Otherwise, George W. Bush would have added,

"Do you have a pretty pony?"

in anticipation of his painting career.

We also missed this teensy little bit of news.

The US also formally suspended security aid

to Pakistan's military, as President Trump had threatened.

The State Department announced the freeze will last

until Pakistan takes quote, "decisive action

against terrorists."

But it said there may be some exceptions.

That's right.

We've frozen security aid to Pakistan.

But there might be some exceptions,

like if Pakistan wrote some really nice

tweets about the president.

Giving tons of money to a broken state like Pakistan does suck.

The only thing that sucks more is not giving them money.

Cutting them off means cutting ourselves off

from the most accessible routes into Afghanistan, which

our military needs to bring our troops

important supplies and the comedians

we're trying to get rid of.

This shit is complicated.

Not just "Frontline" complicated,

like two-part "Frontline" complicated.

But it matters.

2018 is going to be a really important year, guys,

and we need to keep our eye on the ball.

We can't count on pundits to help.

They're gonna keep getting distracted by the nonsense

of the day like fruitless speculation

about Trump's mental health.

The new White House expose revealed even the president's

inner circle has concerns about whether he

is mentally fit, mentally competent to run the country.

How mentally fit the president is

in terms of his age and ability to comprehend information.

Do you believe the president is mentally

fit to serve as president?

[LAUGHTER]

Well--

Wow, now they all have dementia.

Is President Trump OK?

Fuck no!

He thinks his microwave is listening to him

and that everything is poison but cheeseburgers.

But crazy is what the American people chose.

Yes, Trump is easily distracted, doesn't care about the truth,

and focuses on whatever shiny thing is in front of him.

But if that's enough to get you declared mentally incompetent,

they're going to need to build a bigger asylum.

We'll be right back.

[CHEERING]