I am Samantha Bee.

Last night in his State of the Union address,

Donald Trump took a break from screaming about immigrants

to scream slightly more politely at lawmakers about immigrants.

My administration has met extensively with both Democrats

and Republicans to craft a bipartisan approach

to immigration reform.

Checks out.

These look like people who've been

hanging out with Trump lately.

And these look like people who are

going to cut out early for a screening of "Black Panther."

[CHEERING]

It's not surprising that Trump got nonstop stink faces

from the left side of the room.

His speech contained very little of the promised bipartisanship.

We were also promised that Trump would mention dreamers,

and he did, sort of.

My duty and the sacred duty of every elected official

in this chamber is to defend Americans,

to protect their safety, their families, their communities,

and their right to the American dream,

because Americans are dreamers, too.

Oh my god, what a beautiful, proud, thoughtful way

to say that you will only help white people.

[LAUGHTER]

And Trump's big speech was a chance for this shy little

flower of a president to finally get out there and pat

himself on the back a bit.

We eliminated an especially cruel tax that fell mostly

on Americans making less than $50,000 a year,

forcing them to pay tremendous penalties simply

because they couldn't afford government

ordered health plans.

We repealed the core of the disastrous Opamacare.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought they were cutting Obamacare.

No, you can definitely cut Opamacare,

the federally mandated all opossum health care plan.

[LAUGHTER]

My opossum doctor only ever prescribes playing dead.

It is awful.

[LAUGHTER]

Rumor had it this would be an optimistic glass is

half full-type speech, and it was,

assuming that glass is half full of cyanide,

and I get to drink it. [LAUGHTER]

Because our president used the State of the Union to roll out

his hot 2018 line of chilling policy proposals.

It's time to begin moving toward a merit

based immigration system.

Pass legislation to help ensure American foreign assistance

dollars always serve American interests.

Rebuild our nuclear arsenal, making it so strong and so

powerful that it will deter any acts of aggression

by any other nation or anyone else.

OK, how about this?

I'll pay Stormy Daniels $130,000 to say the president has

a big dick and isn't afraid of sharks,

so he doesn't blow up the world.

[LAUGHTER]

Of course, the true goal of the evening

was to make Republicans stand up and cheer

while getting incendiary footage of their opponents refusing

to stand when Trump says our amazing veterans

should, I don't know, get to build

houses out of immigrant bones?

Got you.

You didn't clap for veterans.

So you know what?

Forget all that.

Let's talk about the actual state of Trump's America,

as of January 2018.

This time last year, we were taking cold comfort in the idea

that checks and balances would keep Trump in line.

Even this guy believed it.

The President of the United States,

he cannot do anything that he wants to do,

because we have a Supreme Court and a Congress that

serve as checks and balances.

Shows how much you know, man who opened a dusty trunk,

found the cursed mustache of a racist sheriff,

put it on, and was turned into a Trump supporter.

[LAUGHTER]

So where did all that checky balancey stuff go wrong?

House of Representatives, you guys going to figure this out?

It is our job to conduct oversight

on behalf of the American people in case any powers were abused

and civil liberties were abused by the executive branch.

Yeah.

By the executive branch, you're talking about Trump, right?

There may have been malfeasance at the FBI

by certain individuals.

So it is our job in conducting transparent oversight of the--

of the executive branch to get to the bottom of it.

Guh.

If there were any justice in this world,

Paul Ryan's chin would be as weak as his morals.

[LAUGHTER]

So why instead of focusing on the investigation of Trump's

shady Russia dealings is the House investigating

the investigators?

It's all about the so-called Nunes memo.

House Republicans voting tonight

to release a partisan secret memo alleging FBI abuse

of surveillance powers against the advice

of the Justice Department.

Proud top teeth owner Devin Nunes is the chair of the House

Intelligence Committee.

[LAUGHTER]

He wrote a classified memo claiming bias in the FBI

that reportedly is so misleading that even

Trump's own Justice Department is begging not to release it.

You remember Devin Nunes as the guy who already had to recuse

himself from this very investigation

for lying to protect the White House,

so we should definitely trust him.

And Nunes hasn't even seen all the intelligence

he based the memo on.

So this so-called memo of Nunes' is more like a fun little fan

fiction he wrote in his spare time,

and that's not even the good kind of fiction,

like the kind I write in my spare time.

[LAUGHTER]

But House Republicans voted to release

it anyway because the internet.

All I'll say is that those who have seen it do seem outraged,

are outraged, and are saying hashtag-- it's trending--

release the memo.

Within the last half hour, there

have been over 20,000 tweets on Twitter

with the hashtag ReleaseTheMemo.

It shows that the American public

is demanding more transparency.

OK, well the week before, the top hashtag was SandwichABand,

so don't get too cocky.

[LAUGHTER]

Plus in this case, the American public may have had some help

from Russian bots and trolls.

Wow, the Russian interference investigation has itself

been interfered by Russians.

It's like a turducken of treason.

[LAUGHTER]

Tastes bitter, like the ashes of our democracy.

You know, it's disturbing to watch Republicans openly

try to shut down this investigation,

but should we even be surprised?

Last night when Trump roared an actual fascist slogan,

they gave him a standing ovation.

America first.

[APPLAUSE]

You know what?

I'm going to take the advice of my possum doctor

and play dead for the next three years.

Catch you in 2021.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]