字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント You may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical business practices. Is it because of the falsified product-safety tests? Is it because of the false stories planted in the media about our competitors? Is it because of our crime family connections? What? Are you saying those things are unethical too? Good God! This thing is just snowballing. Now, where was I? Seven years ago... During the summer... Aw, the heck with it. Senior management has decided to confront this head-on and deal with the ethics problem directly. They're surrendering to the authorities? One might think that, but one would be wrong. No. They're sending all employees to mandatory ethics training classes. Including managers such as yourself, correct? [CHUCKLING] No... Asok. That wouldn't be very managerial, would it? DILBERT: Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't every ethics violation in this company been perpetrated by managers? Yes, but the point is, managers are far too important to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes. That's what subordinates are for. That and dating. Please don't date me! I promise I'll work harder! Your new masseuse is here. She wants to know how you'll be paying. Paying? Did you explain to her that she gets to touch my naked back? For some reason, that wasn't enough. Who needs her? Tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it, if you don't mind. Not at all. And the following mumbling is not necessarily about you. [MUMBLING] Ignorant, pompous horse's ass. Must be problems at home. Are we done here? I think we're done. Hmm. I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden. [GROANING] Asok... Meet me in my office... and bring fresh towels. Oh... oh, my... This is so not in my job description. I don't think I can possibly... Stop whining and start slathering. [EXPLOSION] [music] [CHANTING] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] Okay, let's go around the room, and each of you can explain what you hope to get out of this class. We'll start with you... "I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally." Is that your real name? It's Egyptian. Okay. So, what do you want to get from this class, I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally? I already got it. Thanks. My personal goal for ethics training is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality with special emphasis on pragmatism versus divine will. How about if I teach you not to steal? That would be good too. Loud Howard... If a co-worker confided something very personal to you, could you keep it quiet? Yes! This class is pointless. We're not the ones with the ethics problems. Speak for yourself. We're engineers. We have integrity, and that's not for sale. But it is for rent. Excuse me, I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally. Consider yourself excused. BOSS: There sure is a lot of weather today all up there in the sky. [CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING] Yeah, it was a lot like that yesterday. Oh, he's right. What's up with that weather? Every day there. Did anyone watch a sports event this weekend? Oh, I'll say. Sports-- wouldn't miss sports. Not a Sunday without it. Who was playing? That's not important. It only matters that the participants supported each other as a team. You men aren't at all what I expected. I feel like the glass ceiling for women executives like me is finally broken. I mean, here I am, networking with other executives on the golf course, privy to all your private conversations. Uh, we're all about nurturing. And diversity. There goes your ball. It keeps doing that. Watch out for the turtles. They're poisonous. Did we decide whose company wins the government bid this time? My company got the flying submarine deal. I believe your company wins the next bid, Edmund. WOMAN: Ow! No, no, we won the bid for the invisible troop carriers. Well, then who's going to bid for the national Internet voting network contract? For the good of the oligarchy, we will. Good man. Good man. WOMAN: Ow! Is it the high bid or the low bid that wins? That part makes my head spin. What were you talking about? What did I miss? Does anyone else think taxes are too darn high? Yes. Bring them down. Whoa-ho... BOSS: Don't you know it. I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid to build the government's next super-project: the Internet voting network. I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow. Yes, but none of our conference rooms are available tomorrow, so I'm telling you the results today. What's the Internet voting network? It's a concept for letting people vote over the Internet in national elections. Dilbert, you seem to know the most about the Internet voting network, so you're the project leader. What? That's ALL I know, and now that I said it, everyone in this room knows as much as I do. I tuned you out right after the part where you started talking. What's the Internet voting network? This might sound crazy, but after careful consideration, I'm actually happy for a change to be assigned a project against my will. The Internet voting network will double voter participation. I'm going to make democracy work. It's an awesome responsibility. Let me know when you get it working. I always wondered what it would be like to vote. You mean you've never voted? It's too much of a hassle. But IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE... Look! You're encouraging morons to vote. That can't possibly be good. You can't use Wally as a typical example of humanity. I'm special. Take Loud Howard. He's more typical of the average voter. Yes! I always vote for the tallest guy! The tall ones are better! Dilbert, do you realize that you could build a back door into the system and manipulate the voting results for your own evil purposes without ever being detected? Wow, you could make a fortune from special interest groups. Did you learn nothing in ethics class? I tried, but you covered your test with your hand. One COULD make a fortune from special interest groups, but it would be unethical, and more importantly, it would destroy the integrity of our democratic system. I would never sell out my country for money. Besides, I have all the money I need. MAN: $900,000... A million. Next. It's a public school class! As you can see, class, Congress is in session. And furthermore, television violence is bad... Where's the gift shop? They got a bathroom in here? Can I use my cell phone? I just got paged. Shut up! You kids are the leaders of tomorrow, right? Uh-huh. Yes, sir. Here's a little something to remind you who your friends are. [GASPS] Oh... This is private enemy number one. He goes by the name Dilbert. He's in charge of building the Internet voting network. We have learned he is immune to monetary inducements. [ALL GASPING] His Internet voting network is a threat to all our special interests. We must find a way to influence him without money. Without money? What else is there? Use your creativity. There must be some other way to get him in our pocket. I have an idea. No, wait. You said no money. BOSS: Keep it coming, keep it coming. Give me some more of that mean green. You just say the word, and I'll assassinate anyone you want. You clearly have no scruples. You golden-tongued sweet talker. You're making me blush. But your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements. He must have a weakness. Everyone does. He does have ONE weakness, if you know what I mean, wink, wink. Ah. Yes. The one thing. Thank you. I hope he was thinking "free T-shirt" too. [GASPS] Fire! Fire! Hurry, there's a fire upstairs. Something's smoking, but it's not a fire. [CHUCKLING] You have a visitor upstairs in the smoking lounge. We don't have a smoking lounge. We do now. Hey, where did all this new furniture come from? And that TV? We accepted them as gifts on your behalf. You shouldn't have accepted these gifts. They're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me. How are they doing? Not very well. Amateurs. [music] Hi, handsome. My name's Ashley. This is a smoke-free house. Maybe you'd like to take me someplace that isn't. I'd better not. I just had my car cleaned. I've been authorized to do whatever it takes to make you a friend of tobacco. Whatever it takes? Anything. Well... Okay. I'd like you to quit smoking. What? It's for your own good. I can't do that. I'm addicted. You-- It's an illness. You can't just quit like that. You said anything. You don't understand. I need to do this right away or I'll get fired. I mean, because I'm all fired up. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?