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  • You may have heard that our company

  • has been accused of unethical business practices.

  • Is it because of the falsified product-safety tests?

  • Is it because of the false stories planted in the media

  • about our competitors?

  • Is it because of our crime family connections?

  • What? Are you saying those things are unethical too?

  • Good God! This thing is just snowballing.

  • Now, where was I?

  • Seven years ago...

  • During the summer...

  • Aw, the heck with it.

  • Senior management has decided to confront this head-on

  • and deal with the ethics problem directly.

  • They're surrendering to the authorities?

  • One might think that, but one would be wrong.

  • No. They're sending all employees

  • to mandatory ethics training classes.

  • Including managers such as yourself, correct?

  • [CHUCKLING] No... Asok.

  • That wouldn't be very managerial, would it?

  • DILBERT: Correct me if I'm wrong,

  • but hasn't every ethics violation in this company

  • been perpetrated by managers?

  • Yes, but the point is, managers are far too important

  • to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes.

  • That's what subordinates are for.

  • That and dating.

  • Please don't date me!

  • I promise I'll work harder!

  • Your new masseuse is here.

  • She wants to know how you'll be paying.

  • Paying? Did you explain to her

  • that she gets to touch my naked back?

  • For some reason, that wasn't enough.

  • Who needs her?

  • Tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it,

  • if you don't mind.

  • Not at all.

  • And the following mumbling is not necessarily about you.

  • [MUMBLING] Ignorant, pompous horse's ass.

  • Must be problems at home.

  • Are we done here?

  • I think we're done.

  • Hmm. I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden.

  • [GROANING] Asok...

  • Meet me in my office...

  • and bring fresh towels.

  • Oh... oh, my...

  • This is so not in my job description.

  • I don't think I can possibly...

  • Stop whining and start slathering.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Okay, let's go around the room,

  • and each of you can explain

  • what you hope to get out of this class.

  • We'll start with you...

  • "I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally."

  • Is that your real name?

  • It's Egyptian.

  • Okay. So, what do you want to get from this class,

  • I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally?

  • I already got it. Thanks.

  • My personal goal for ethics training

  • is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality

  • with special emphasis on pragmatism versus divine will.

  • How about if I teach you not to steal?

  • That would be good too.

  • Loud Howard...

  • If a co-worker confided something very personal to you,

  • could you keep it quiet?

  • Yes!

  • This class is pointless.

  • We're not the ones with the ethics problems.

  • Speak for yourself.

  • We're engineers.

  • We have integrity, and that's not for sale.

  • But it is for rent.

  • Excuse me,

  • I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally.

  • Consider yourself excused.

  • BOSS: There sure is a lot of weather today

  • all up there in the sky.

  • [CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING]

  • Yeah, it was a lot like that yesterday.

  • Oh, he's right. What's up with that weather?

  • Every day there.

  • Did anyone watch a sports event this weekend?

  • Oh, I'll say. Sports-- wouldn't miss sports.

  • Not a Sunday without it.

  • Who was playing?

  • That's not important.

  • It only matters

  • that the participants supported each other as a team.

  • You men aren't at all what I expected.

  • I feel like the glass ceiling for women executives like me

  • is finally broken.

  • I mean, here I am,

  • networking with other executives on the golf course,

  • privy to all your private conversations.

  • Uh, we're all about nurturing.

  • And diversity.

  • There goes your ball.

  • It keeps doing that.

  • Watch out for the turtles. They're poisonous.

  • Did we decide whose company

  • wins the government bid this time?

  • My company got the flying submarine deal.

  • I believe your company wins the next bid, Edmund.

  • WOMAN: Ow!

  • No, no, we won the bid

  • for the invisible troop carriers.

  • Well, then who's going to bid

  • for the national Internet voting network contract?

  • For the good of the oligarchy, we will.

  • Good man. Good man.

  • WOMAN: Ow!

  • Is it the high bid or the low bid that wins?

  • That part makes my head spin.

  • What were you talking about?

  • What did I miss?

  • Does anyone else think taxes are too darn high?

  • Yes. Bring them down. Whoa-ho...

  • BOSS: Don't you know it.

  • I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid

  • to build the government's next super-project:

  • the Internet voting network.

  • I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow.

  • Yes, but none of our conference rooms

  • are available tomorrow,

  • so I'm telling you the results today.

  • What's the Internet voting network?

  • It's a concept for letting people vote over the Internet

  • in national elections.

  • Dilbert, you seem to know the most

  • about the Internet voting network,

  • so you're the project leader.

  • What? That's ALL I know,

  • and now that I said it,

  • everyone in this room knows as much as I do.

  • I tuned you out right after the part

  • where you started talking.

  • What's the Internet voting network?

  • This might sound crazy, but after careful consideration,

  • I'm actually happy for a change

  • to be assigned a project against my will.

  • The Internet voting network

  • will double voter participation.

  • I'm going to make democracy work.

  • It's an awesome responsibility.

  • Let me know when you get it working.

  • I always wondered what it would be like to vote.

  • You mean you've never voted?

  • It's too much of a hassle.

  • But IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE...

  • Look! You're encouraging morons to vote.

  • That can't possibly be good.

  • You can't use Wally

  • as a typical example of humanity.

  • I'm special.

  • Take Loud Howard.

  • He's more typical of the average voter.

  • Yes! I always vote for the tallest guy!

  • The tall ones are better!

  • Dilbert, do you realize

  • that you could build a back door into the system

  • and manipulate the voting results

  • for your own evil purposes without ever being detected?

  • Wow, you could make a fortune from special interest groups.

  • Did you learn nothing in ethics class?

  • I tried, but you covered your test with your hand.

  • One COULD make a fortune from special interest groups,

  • but it would be unethical, and more importantly,

  • it would destroy the integrity of our democratic system.

  • I would never sell out my country for money.

  • Besides, I have all the money I need.

  • MAN: $900,000...

  • A million.

  • Next.

  • It's a public school class!

  • As you can see, class, Congress is in session.

  • And furthermore, television violence is bad...

  • Where's the gift shop?

  • They got a bathroom in here?

  • Can I use my cell phone?

  • I just got paged.

  • Shut up!

  • You kids are the leaders of tomorrow, right?

  • Uh-huh. Yes, sir.

  • Here's a little something

  • to remind you who your friends are.

  • [GASPS]

  • Oh...

  • This is private enemy number one.

  • He goes by the name Dilbert.

  • He's in charge of building the Internet voting network.

  • We have learned he is immune to monetary inducements.

  • [ALL GASPING]

  • His Internet voting network

  • is a threat to all our special interests.

  • We must find a way to influence him without money.

  • Without money?

  • What else is there?

  • Use your creativity.

  • There must be some other way to get him in our pocket.

  • I have an idea.

  • No, wait. You said no money.

  • BOSS: Keep it coming, keep it coming.

  • Give me some more of that mean green.

  • You just say the word,

  • and I'll assassinate anyone you want.

  • You clearly have no scruples.

  • You golden-tongued sweet talker.

  • You're making me blush.

  • But your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements.

  • He must have a weakness. Everyone does.

  • He does have ONE weakness,

  • if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

  • Ah. Yes.

  • The one thing.

  • Thank you.

  • I hope he was thinking "free T-shirt" too.

  • [GASPS]

  • Fire! Fire!

  • Hurry, there's a fire upstairs.

  • Something's smoking, but it's not a fire.

  • [CHUCKLING]

  • You have a visitor upstairs in the smoking lounge.

  • We don't have a smoking lounge.

  • We do now.

  • Hey, where did all this new furniture come from?

  • And that TV?

  • We accepted them as gifts on your behalf.

  • You shouldn't have accepted these gifts.

  • They're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me.

  • How are they doing?

  • Not very well.

  • Amateurs.

  • [music]

  • Hi, handsome.

  • My name's Ashley.

  • This is a smoke-free house.

  • Maybe you'd like to take me someplace that isn't.

  • I'd better not.

  • I just had my car cleaned.

  • I've been authorized to do whatever it takes

  • to make you a friend of tobacco.

  • Whatever it takes?

  • Anything.

  • Well...

  • Okay.

  • I'd like you to quit smoking.

  • What?

  • It's for your own good.

  • I can't do that.

  • I'm addicted.

  • You-- It's an illness.

  • You can't just quit like that.

  • You said anything.

  • You don't understand.

  • I need to do this right away or I'll get fired.

  • I mean, because I'm all fired up.

  • When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

  • Look at me. I'm perfect, except for one little bad habit.

  • Get over it.

  • Do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics

  • and rig the election just to date a woman like that?

  • I would never sell out our Founding Fathers.

  • Tell the truth.

  • I admit that, in theory,

  • there is some level of hormonal excitement

  • that could,

  • in some conceivable circumstance in the hypothetical,

  • exceed the threshold of my ethical self-control.

  • What if the woman actually liked you?

  • Let's hope that never happens.

  • I almost found a woman who likes me.

  • How did you know?

  • Well, technically, she was a tobacco lobbyist

  • who was leading me on

  • so she could get illegal access

  • to my Internet voting network.

  • Close enough.

  • That's my thinking.

  • Did you use the old familiarity technique?

  • I didn't have a chance.

  • What's the old familiarity technique?

  • It involves spending so much time with a woman

  • that she gets used to your faults.

  • It's like falling in love, but without the expense.

  • If I could have made this tobacco lobbyist

  • spend enough time with me...

  • While she was using you...

  • then maybe, just maybe, the inertia would carry her

  • beyond the point of being repulsed by my personality.

  • Then one day, if she breaks up

  • with a socially functional boyfriend,

  • she might be too emotionally crippled to date again,

  • and there Dilbert will be.

  • Why don't you just date a woman

  • who respects you in the first place?

  • You can do that?

  • I see your point.

  • Dilbert, we need to talk about extending the deadline

  • of your Internet voting project.

  • If I extend it, we'll miss the election.

  • And I'll get a new summer home.

  • Everyone wins.

  • You're ordering me to sabotage my own project?

  • It wouldn't be the first time,

  • but it might be the first time I knew I was doing it.

  • If I do that, the special interests win.

  • The integrity of our democratic process

  • will be violated.

  • Our Founding Fathers would spin in their graves.

  • Spinning, you say?

  • We'll strap magnets to them

  • and use them to generate electricity

  • if it makes you feel any better. It's clean power.

  • You can't make me do this.

  • It's wrong.

  • There is nothing, nothing that will change my mind.

  • How unethical would it be, really,

  • to help a tobacco lobbyist rig a national election

  • just so she'll like me?

  • Are we talking the ethics of pragmatism

  • or divine will?

  • Let's pretend it's the same thing.

  • We need some expert help.

  • How did you get Ben Franklin's body?

  • You'd be surprised what people throw out.

  • It's a little too late for him to help us.

  • Maybe not.

  • I saw this in an infomercial.

  • I've been dying to try it.

  • It says it removes carpet stains too,

  • but I have my doubts.

  • [SNEEZES]

  • [COUGHING]

  • Can anyone give me an update on my inventions?

  • Well, electricity is doing fine.

  • Hah! That was a good one.

  • How about the post office?

  • Did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned?

  • Well, to be honest, a stamp costs

  • more than you paid for your first horse.

  • You can stand in line for an hour,

  • then find out you're in the wrong line.

  • The expression "going postal"

  • refers to someone

  • losing their mind, going crazy,

  • and opening fire

  • on large groups of innocent people.

  • [GRUNTING]

  • Nice work.

  • I killed Ben Franklin.

  • Keep your shirt on.

  • I have no intention of taking it off.

  • You make it hard for people to help you.

  • Sorry.

  • Let's increase the dosage.

  • Ah. Bleah.

  • Thank you again, but frankly...

  • Eh, get it? Frankly?

  • Frank-lin, frank-ly.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Gee, that killed at the Continental Congress.

  • Was there some reason you keep bringing me back?

  • I have an ethical question

  • about our democratic system.

  • Ah, yes, by now, I suppose you've figured out

  • it was all a big joke.

  • What?

  • He doesn't know.

  • Never mind.

  • My dilemma is this:

  • We have this new thing called the Internet.

  • Internet. Yes.

  • Yes, a global telecommunications network

  • built on the TCP/IP standard.

  • Saw it coming.

  • You did not.

  • Yes, I did.

  • How could you?

  • I'm a Founding Father, you little punk!

  • You want to start with me?!

  • All right, all right.

  • Anyway, I have a chance to make a woman like me

  • if I use the Internet to rig the next election.

  • Would that be wrong?

  • Hmm. Sounds okay to me.

  • Really?

  • Sure. The average voter

  • can't find his bunghole with both hands.

  • You don't want to leave it up to them, do you?

  • I thought maybe I did.

  • Well, think again.

  • If we're done here,

  • I'm really hungry.

  • I should have got the 12-pack.

  • One Internet voting network completely programmed, ready

  • and free of outside interference.

  • So you decided to stick to your ethical guns,

  • knowing that it would cost you the love of a beautiful woman.

  • Does it give you newfound respect for me?

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Ah, no.

  • I'm having an election night party!

  • I hope you can make it!

  • "Chug-n-vote...

  • "Come enjoy hard liquor

  • before voting from mi casa."

  • Thanks to your Internet voting network,

  • no one will ever have to vote thirsty again!

  • Loud Howard, I don't think it's a good idea

  • to mix alcohol with voting.

  • Since when?

  • I mean, how are you going to understand

  • an issue like, say, monetary policy

  • if you're drunk?

  • I don't understand it now!

  • Do you?

  • No.

  • Bring an appetizer!

  • Yaaaay!

  • Hey, everybody!

  • The polls are open!

  • [CHEERING]

  • To democracy!

  • [ALL SLURRING] Democracy!

  • Hey, look at me!

  • I'm voting and I'm not even a citizen!

  • One more of these, and I'm in the Green Party.

  • Tell me, am I for or against nuculur perifilation?

  • I have to say,

  • this isn't the proudest moment of my career.

  • Is that the knob for Republican or Democrat?

  • Hurry up, Foster.

  • The polls close in 30 seconds.

  • [BEEPING]

  • Oh, fiddlesticks.

  • I just voted for someone named McGee.

  • FRANKLIN: It's been so long

  • since I attended a meeting of the secret ruling class.

  • Do you still handle elections the same way?

  • The old ways are still the best.

  • Well, the votes have been counted.

  • The people have spoken.

  • Our new president is...

  • Hairy-ass McGee.

  • [ALL LAUGHING]

  • So, seriously...

  • who do we make president?

  • She said she might call.

  • Do you think underneath her smoke-stained exterior

  • beat a heart of gold?

  • If by "heart of gold" you mean "lungs of charcoal,"

  • then yes.

  • I admit I was tempted to destroy the democratic process

  • to gain the love of a woman.

  • Love?

  • Not real love,

  • but at least

  • the kind that gives you false hope for a few days.

  • I like false hope.

  • Maybe she lost your number.

  • Maybe she did.

  • MAN: NO ONE LEAVES THE TOBACCO INSTITUTE.

  • [COUGHING]

  • Since I quit smoking,

  • I don't feel right about working here anymore.

  • You quit smoking?

  • You can't.

  • [COUGHING]

  • Good Lord, Martin, you coughed out a lung.

  • Now, can you push that back in?

  • [COUGHING, CHOKING]

  • I met a man who convinced me to follow another path.

  • I'm going to call him tonight.

  • I said, no one leaves The Tobacco Institute.

  • Hey. Wait.

  • You can't do this.

  • Let me go.

  • Excuse me. Hello?

  • Hola. WHERE'S THE LADIES ROOM?

  • Does anyone have any sunscreen?

  • RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...y en otras noticias,

  • el president americano Hairy-ass McGee,

  • que se parece mucho a Benjamin Franklin,

  • cayo desde una altura de 30,000 pies

  • sobre un camion recolector de basura despues de abrir

  • una de las ventanas

  • del avion presidencial AIR FORCE ONE.

  • Los medicos dijeron que no sufrio heridas.

You may have heard that our company

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ディルバート 02x17 倫理 (English Español CC) (Dilbert 02x17 Ethics ( English Español CC))

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    王宏偉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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