I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) DONALD TRUMP'S BEEN PRESIDENT

FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.

( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: LOOK, I'M WITH

YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) AT THIS POINT, I GO TO BED EVERY

NIGHT BELIEVING THERE'S NOTHING HE COULD SAY OR DO THAT COULD

POSSIBLY SURPRISE ME.

THEN THE SUN COMES UP.

( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY, IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

TRUMP MET WITH THE NATION'S GOVERNORS, AND AT THE TOP OF THE

AGENDA WAS THE URGENT PROBLEM OF SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.

DONALD TRUMP HAS SAID THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD ARM TEACHERS.

THIS IDEA HAS NOT BEEN RECEIVED WELL BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN, OR

WHO HAVE HAD, A TEACHER.

( LAUGHTER ) FACED WITH THE SELF-EVIDENT

FLAWS OF MRS. FERGUSON PACKING HEAT IN HOME ROOM, TRUMP

RECONSIDERED HIS POSITION AND APPROACHED THE PROBLEM WITH A

MORE-NUANCED, MULTIFACETED, AND COMPREHENSIVE SOLUTION.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

( LAUGHTER ) SORRY.

JUST KIDDING.

( APPLAUSE ) NO, HE DID THIS.

>> WHEN THE PRESS COVERED IT, THE HEADLINE WAS, "TRUMP WANTS

ALL TEACHERS TO HAVE GUNS."

TRUMP WANTS TEACHERS TO HAVE GUNS.

I DON'T WANT TEACHERS TO HAVE GUNS.

I WANT HIGHLY-TRAINED PEOPLE THAT HAVE A NATURAL TALENT, LIKE

HITTING A BASEBALL OR HITTING A GOLF BALL.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YEAH, SHOOTING A GUN

IS A NATURAL TALENT.

NOT EVERYBODY'S GOT IT.

YOU HAVE TO BE BORN WITH AT LEAST ONE FINGER.

AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS TO PLAY

GUN BALL.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU GUYS KNOW GUN BALL?

YOU GIVE ONE GUY A BALL, AND THEN YOU SHOOT HIM.

( LAUGHTER ) GOOD PLAYERS ON BOTH TEAMS,

SOMETIMES NOBODY WINS.

( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY WHO'S A GOOD

SHOT, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE TEACHING AP CHEMISTRY.

THAT'S HOW YOU PICK THE BEST TEACHERS.

TRUMP IS SAYING THE PEOPLE LIKE THE IDEA.

IT'S GOT TRACTION.

OF COURSE, TRUMP'S SAYING ARM THE TEACHERS BECAUSE IF YOU'RE

IN THE POCKET OF THE N.R.A. THE SOLUTION IS NEVER FEWER GUNS.

THE SOLUTION IS ALWAYS MORE GUNS.

OF COURSE, THE SCHOOL IN FLORIDA DID HAVE AN ARMED SHERIFF'S

DEPUTY, BUT EVEN WITH GUNS AND TRAINING, HE DIDN'T ENTER THE

BUILDING.

NOR DID THE NEXT THREE ARMED DEPUTIES WHO SHOWED UP.

SO MAYBE ARMING PEOPLE'S NOT THE ANSWER.

I MEAN, WHO AMONG US COULD HONESTLY SAY WHAT THEY THINK

THEY WOULD DO IN THAT SAME SITUATION?

>> YOU KNOW I REALLY BELIEVE, YOU DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU TEST

IT, BUT I THINK, I REALLY BELIEVE I'D RUN IN-- EVEN IF I

DIDN'T HAVE A WEAPON.

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WOW!

THAT'S A BRAVE MAN.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

THERE'S A LOT THERE I DOUBT, BUT THE PART I REALLY DON'T BELIEVE

IS THAT HE CAN RUN.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) I JUST DON'T -- I DON'T SEE IT.

SIR, WE ALREADY KNOW HOW YOU REACT TO COMBAT SITUATIONS.

YOU GOT FIVE DEFERMENTS FROM VIETNAM!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, STAB THEM WITH YOUR BONE SPURS?

"I COULD HAVE WON VIETNAM.

NO WEAPON.

WOULD HAVE RUN RIGHT UP TO HO CHI MINH AND KARATE CHOPPED HIM

IN THE CLAVICLE."

( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY?

NIXON'S STILL PRESIDENT ."

AS LONG AS YOU'RE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD, AT LEAST MAKE IT

INTERESTING.

"EVEN IF I HAD A GUN I WOULD HAVE DROPPED IT JUST TO SHOW HOW

TOUGH I WAS.

THEN I WOULD HAVE RUN IN AND HIT THE SHOOTER WITH MY LASER-BEAM

EYES.

THEN USE MY MIND LIKE NEO IN 'THE MATRIX' TO FLY AWAY TO

SPACE MAR A LAGO."

OH, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE YOU'VE EVER

IMAGINED.

( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S REALLY STUPID, BUT HE

SAID IT, AND YOU CAN'T SAY HE DIDN'T SAY IT.

CAN YOU?

>> WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID EARLIER TODAY THAT HE WOULD HAVE

RUN INTO THE SCHOOL, WAS HE SUGGESTING THAT HE COULD HAVE

SAVED THE DAY?

>> UH, I THINK HE WAS JUST STATING THAT, AS A LEADER, HE

WOULD HAVE STEPPED IN AND HOPEFULLY BEEN ABLE TO HELP AS A

NUMBER OF THE INDIVIDUALS THAT WERE IN THE SCHOOL, THE COACH

AND OTHER ADULTS AND EVEN A LOT OF THE STUDENTS STEPPED UP AND

HELPED PROTECT OTHER STUDENTS.

I THINK THE POINT HE WAS MAKING IS THAT HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO

HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN THAT AS WELL.

>> STEPHEN: SO TRUMP'S GOT ALL KINDS OF FANTASIES ABOUT WHAT

HE'D DO IN THAT SCHOOL.

"THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES HE'D HAVE A BIG ROLE IN THE SCHOOL,

THAT IF HE WERE A STUDENT THERE, HE'D BE CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL

TEAM, PROBABLY DATING THE HOTTEST GIRL, THE OTHER KIDS

WOULD CALL HIM 'BIG DONNY,' HE'D SIT AT THE COOL LUNCH TABLE, BUT

IN THE END, HE SURPRISES THE NERDS WHEN HE SHOWS UP TO HELP

THEM WIN THE STATE SPELLING BEE."

( LAUGHTER ) YES.

NEXT QUESTION.

SPHWHRRVEGH TRUMP TOLD THE GOVERNORS IT'S

NOT GUNS.

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHO IS AT FAULT.

>> YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT VIDEOS.

THEY'RE VICIOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS DOES TO A YOUNG KIDS' MINDS.

THE INTERNET, MOVIES, YOU LOOK AT THESE MOVIES THAT ARE AROUND

TODAY.

I SEE JUST BY A COMMERCIAL THE LEVEL OF CRAZINESS AND

VICIOUSNESS IN THE MOVIES.

I THINK WE HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT TOO.

I THINK WE HAVE TO PUT A RATING SYSTEM ON THAT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL -- IF YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR FRESH IDEAS, THAT GUY -- HE'S YOUR MAN!

YES!

WHY DON'T WE HAVE SOME SORT OF RATING SYSTEM ON MOVIES

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?

SOME SORT OF LETTER.

SOME SORT OF A LETTER SYSTEM, SOMETHING LIKE G FOR GORY OR R

FOR RESPECTFUL OR X FOR EXCELLENT.

OF COURSE, "PG-13" IS FOR IF PAUL GIAMATTI PLAYS 13

CHARACTERS.

( LAUGHTER ) HE'S THAT GOOD.