I can't even get from here to here without buying a rock

I'm sad. How did this happen?

Fuck this, I want to be gay

and that's exactly where it started.

What's it made of? ♫ Plastic ♫

Ah, that's a thing, in a place.

Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different place.

The world is gonna get bigger, and emptier, and sad.

Great news! Some of them even doubled up.

Great news! Some of them even doubled up. [again]

Great news! The electrons doubled up.

Congratulations! The world is now a star!

Shit some stars have no friends

Bigger stars burn out and die in a tornado

So now stars have cool stuff, like funny clouds,

which can make some things

[George W. Bush] We must stop the terror.

[George W. Bush] Now watch this drive [Narrator] Like this ball of flaming rocks for example

Holy shit we just got hit with a ♫ moon ♫

Weather update: It's raining ♫ the moon ♫

Weather update: Hot steam.

Weather update: Lava

Weather update: it's raining lava

SEVERE FLOODING ALERT the entire world is ♫ now the moon ♫

VOLCANO ALERT: That's land!

[very loud fish thing] GET OVER HERE!

What? Something's alive in the ocean.

A microscopic speck, it lives at the bottom of the ocean

and eats chemical soup made from GAY ingredients leftover from when it was raining

It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build a thing inventor,

so that's pretty gay I would say

Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? Eat sunlight!

♫♫

Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into sunlight.

♫ Taste.. the sun! ♫

Side effect: now there's lava everywhere and the sky is GAY

Then the earth might have been [inaudible due to firey noise]: HOT

[water splash sound] It's a sponge

It's a plant. It's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs...

and strange fish. ♫ It's the Cambrian Explosion! ♫

[click click click] [selection sound] FINISH HIM!

We're still in the ocean. Hey can we go on land?

NO

Why? ♫ The Sun is a blanket. ♫

Okay will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

NO

[fish panting noise whatever that sounds like]

[fred the fish:] MY LEG!

Okay so I can go on land but I have to go back in the water to have sexy times.

[click] Learn to use an egg [Fish:] I was already doing that

Use a stronger egg, put lava in it. Yeouch!

[Crack] Works for me. Bye bye Mississippi

Wanna see a map of the world? Sure. [Bang] Aw fuck now everything's dead

Just kidding, here are the survivors

Keep an eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.

Here's another map of the world [Bang] Aw fuck now everything's dead

It's mammal time, here come the mammals look at those breasts.

[JonTron:] God help us all.

Now they're gonna dominate the world,

and grab stuff at the same time, and bang rocks together to make rocks. [Ouch!]

And set rocks on fire [Yeouch!]

And make crazy sounds [unintelligible noises from narrator]

which can mean different things.

♫ That's a human person! ♫

And now they're everywhere.

[Bang] Aw fuck now everything's dead

Let's review: There's people on the planet

Fuck look at this, I control the food now,

now everyone will want to be my friend and have no friends.

Let's all build houses except mine is bigger because ♫ COMMUNISM ♫

This is great

Tired of using rocks for everything? Use rocks.

Better farming was just invented in India and the Jews are helping.

♫ Guess what happens next? ♫

More food, and more people who came to buy the food

there's more farming and more people to make more people for more people for more people

WEATHER UPDATE

The horse is probably being tamed

Why is all my metal metal?

Tired of using metal?

Introducing rocks,

made with special ingredient Rocks from the Far Lands of Rockland

Also guess what? The Jews.

Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere they figured out getting somewhere

Also elephants, did I mention?

Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened.

[Selection Noise] [DingDingDingDing] [Ding]

♫ CHICO! ♫

The middle east is in the middle of the east.

Knock knock, it's the United States

Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization

Died in a tornado.

Guess who's not gone? They wrote some stuff.

You could make a religio- no, don't

There's the bronze age collapse

Also can we switch to stones and bowls, thanks.

Look who came back to Israel. ♫ God! ♫ He's got like a 10-step program.

Here's some huge heads.

Here comes the Assyrian Empire.

Nevermind it's the Babyloni-, Medi-, ♫ it's ♫ Ohio.

Wow, that's big.

This guy sat under a tree so long that he figured out how to ignore the Jews.

You could make a religi- No, don't.

[Shatter] Whoops, China just broke,

but while it was breaking Confucius was figuring out how to die in a tornado.

Ah, The Greeks had the idea about thinking about the Greeks.

Right over here Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian Empire.

It was a great idea. He was... dead.

Knock Knock it's Chandragupta he says thanks.

♫ Time to conquer Mississippi ♫

But what about that part? That's the Tamil Kings no one conquers the Tamil Kings.

Who would like to buy nothing? Me, said the Arabians.

♫ China is whole again...

[5x 8-bit ding sounds]

♫ then it broke again. ♫

"Hey", said the Romans, eating breakfast.

"Thanks for invading our homeland" said the Jews who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

[Door opening noise] "Hi everything's great" said some guy who seems to be getting very popular.

You could make a religi- No, don't.

Want silk? Now you can buy it from China.

They just made a road.

Hmmm that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

Has anyone populated America yet? Let's do it together.

Still can't camel? ♫ Hell yeah, now we've got sugar! ♫

said the Ghana Empire selling lots of slaves.

Hi I live in Jesus.

♫ It's the golden age of the Gupta Empire ♫

Not Chandragupta just Gupta. [Check!]

Guess who's in Rome? The Romans.

RIP Roman Empire.

♫ The Mayans have figured out ♫ the Romans.

Oh and here's a city.

Population: Woah. Okay.

The göktürks have taken over the göktürks.

How's India? Broken.

How's China? Broken.

How's those trading kingdoms? Broken.

Korea? Broken. Japan? Broken.

♫♫

Deep in Ohio, the real god whispers in Muhammad's ear.

So he goes down to the Cube and he tells them their gods are all fake.

And everyone got so mad he had to leave town and go to a different town.

You could make a relig- No, don't.

And maybe conquer the pope.

Plus there's new kingdoms, I wonder if there's room for Ohio.

Here's all the wisdom, in a house.

For the Islamic Golden Age. Whoops someone just attacked America.

The Franks have the biggest Kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the king over for Christmas.

Surprise! You're the new Roman emperor.

Then the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and not France.

It's actually Germany but don't worry about it.

And they find some land, two types of land, and they name them accordingly.

[shitty youtube pranksters:] IT WAS A JOKE IT WAS A JOKE

The Pope is ready to make some more emperors.

[ding!] Time to conquer England said William.

Aah! Hey pope can you help us get rid of the Seljuks?

Maybe take back the Holy Land on the way?

Yes I do actually want to do that. Let's do a crusade.

♫ CRUSADE! ♫

They did many Crusades some of which almost didn't fail.

But at least the Italians got some rocks.

Goodbye Mayans. ♫ Hello, ♫ Mayans. Goodbye Mayans.

Hello broken, look at cliff.

Guess who's here? Khmer.

Vietnam unconquered itself.

Japan just became itself.

And Japan is China [which] just invented the thing inventor.

And the Mongols just invaded most of the universe but then died in a tornado.

I just found out where all the Swahili gets all their gold. ♫ Africa! ♫

The King of Mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.

Whoops, half of Europe just died.

♫ Ming! ♫ China's back yay

Hey Khmer, time to share

Oh look who controls all the islands

It's the Mahajapit [Errn, (Incorrect)]

Majahapit [Errn, (Incorrect)]

Mapajahit [Errn, (Incorrect)]

Mahapajit [Errn, (Incorrect)]

Mapajahit [Errn, (Incorrect)]

Ma- Ja- Pa- Hit? [Errn, (Incorrect)]

Oh Italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about rocks.

So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire?

♫ NO ♫

Don't forget to ban Europe.

What? That's bullshit.

"This whole thing is bullshit. That's a scam. Fuck the church, here's 95 reasons why"

Said Martin Luther in his new book.

"Wait!" said Christopher Columbus, smoking crack.

Hey Spain wanna hire me to find India?

Okay.

So he sails into the Ocean and discovers... more ocean.

But then died in a tornado.

WEATHER UPDATE: It's raining rocks.

Portugal had a dream with day control the entire Indian Ocean.

Spain realised that this is not India but they pillaged it anyway.

Damn said England and France we

We gotta start pillaging some stuff.

Damn said Amsterdam.

We gotta start pillaging some stuff.

Question 1: Can you get to India through North America?

No, but at least there's Beaver.

Question 2:

Die in a tornado.

That's not a question but the Dutch did it anyway.

♫ Sugar ♫

Slavery.

The next thing on Russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control Ohio.

Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did, Britain.

Guess who's broke? Britain. Tax, fuck you. Independence.

France helps them win now France is broke.

And Britain will have to send their prisoners-

Let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off said Robespierre,

cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

Wait who's in charge of France now?

♫ Me ♫ said Napoleon, trying to take over Ohio.

But he came back.

There goes Latin America, becoming GAY.

Britain just figured out how to turn steam into rocks.

Then they invent sunlight and conquer Ohio and maybe put some rocks there

"Hey China" said Britain, buy stuff from us.

"Nah dude we already got everything"

So Britain threw a hissy fit.

Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering Ohio.

India just had a revolution. "Nope", said Britain.

[Morse code beeping]

United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

It's good, they decided.

Then they continued manifesting their destiny which is to kick out the Mexicans

Let's rape ♫ Africa! ♫

♫ Hawaii, Cuba ♫

Wait, Spain controls Cuba.

Well, blame something on them and go to war.

What should we blame on Spain?

[explosion]

Let's blame Spain on Spain.

So they blame Spain on Spain.

Now we're in business.

China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their government.

Europe hasn't had a war

It's gonna be a great war