STEPHEN COLBERT IT IT IS DAY-- (APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: IT IS DAY 100-- 102 OF THE TRUMP

PRESIDENCY, 1,358 DAYS TO GO.

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: NOW TRUMP HAS REPEATEDLY SAID THAT THIS

HUNDRED DAY THING IS TOTALLY ARBITRARY, OKAY.

TOTAL LEER UNIMPORTANT.

AND TO PROVE HOW UNIMPORTANT IT IS, HE TOOK OUT A TV AD, HE CUT

A CAKE ON AIR FORCE ONE, AND HE HELD A RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA.

THE THEME OF THAT RALLY, PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL SLOGAN, PROMISES MADE,

NEVER MIND, NEVER SAID IT, FAKE NEWS, WATCH FOXAN FRIENDS.

SO, NICE, GOT A RHYTHM.

(APPLAUSE) HE ALSO PROVED JUST HOW

UNIMPORTANT THIS WAS WITH A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS OVER THE

WEEKEND.

FIRST ON FRIDAY HE TALKED WITH REUTERS ABOUT HIS NEW JOB.

>> WELL, I LOVE MY-- I LOVED MY PREVIOUS LIFE, I LOVED MY

PREVIOUS LIFE.

HI SO MANY THINGS GOING.

I ACTUALLY, THIS IS MORE WORK THAN MY PREVIOUS LIFE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASIER.

>> Stephen: HUH.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> Jon: HE THOUGHT IT IT WOULD BE EASIER.

>> Stephen: IT IT TURNS OUT BEING LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

IS HARDER THAN LICENSING YOUR NAME TO LUXURY MEAT.

DELICIOUS.

BUTS THAT HE'S NOT ALL.

HE TRUMPED ON.

>> I THOUGHT IT IT WAS MORE-- I'M A DETAILS ORIENTED

PERSON, I THINK YOU WOULD SAY THAT.

BUT I DO MISS MY OLD LIFE.

>> Stephen: WE ALL DO, SIR.

WE ALL MISS IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: I GET WHY HE MISSES IT, I GET IT MAN.

BECAUSE IN HIS OLD LIFE HE COULD SPEND HIS DAYS GOLFING,

INSULTING PEOPLE ON TWITTER AND HANGING OUT WITH HIS FAMILY.

ALSO, NOW.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON HE'S BUMMED.

IT'S ALSO BECAUSE, I CAN'T DRIVE ANY MORE.

AND YOU KNOW HE DROVE ALL THE TIME.

HE WAS A GREAT DRIVER.

JUST LOOK HOW COMFORTABLE HE IS BEHIND THE BHEEL.

(LAUGHTER) -- WHEEL.

THAT'S PACKLY HOW I DRIVE.

HANDS AT 7 AND 5, MOUTH OPEN, SCREAMING.

AAHHH!

RED LIGHTED!

THANKS, OBAMA.

>> Jon: OPEN ROAD.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE HE ADDRESSED THE PROUDEST

ACHIEVEMENT OF HIS PRESIDENCY, EXISTING.

BECAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF DISCUSSING CHINESE AMERICAN

RELATIONS WITH THE REUTERS REPORTERS STOPPED TO HAND OUT

COPIES OF WHAT HE SAID WERE THE LATEST FIGURES OF THE 2016

ELECTORAL MAP SAYING PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT, THE RED IS

OBVIOUSLY US.

THE BLUE, OBVIOUSLY DEMOCRATS, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S WATER, HARD TO

TELL.

AQUA MAN, PERSONAL FRIEND, GREAT GUY.

PROBABLY.

PROBABLY.

(APPLAUSE) THERE IS EVEN A PICTURE.

>> I COLORED THESE MYSELF.

THESE ARE ALL-- THESE ARE ALL PLACEMATS.

I HAD THEM-- I HAD THEM-- CAN YOU PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF A T-REX, LITTLE HANDS, LIKE THIS,

LIKE-- (APPLAUSE)

LIKE THIS.

>> Stephen: EVERYTHING IS IN HERE.

I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT THE OFFICIAL DEFINING HUNDRED DAYS

INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE RIGHT HERE ON CBS WITH THE NATION FACE

HIMSELF JOHN DICKERSON YESTERDAY.

AND HE STARTED OFF WITH NORTH KOREA.

>> MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AND THE ADMINISTRATION SAID TO NORTH

KOREA, DON'T TEST A MISSILE.

THEY HAVE TESTED A MISSILE.

IS THE PRESSURE NOT WORKING?

>> WELL, I DIDN'T SAY DON'T TEST A MISSILE.

HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO DO WHAT HE HAS TO DO.

>> Stephen: SO YOU ARE OFFICIAL POLICY IS, YOU DO YOU.

WHAT CAN I SAY, HITLER GONNA HITLER.

KIM JONG GONNAU N.

>> THEN OUR FRIEND JOHN DICKERSON ASKED TRUMP WHAT HE

THOUGHT OF KIM JONG UN.

>> I CAN TELL IT YOU THIS, A THE LO OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHEN I

SAY IT IT HE WAS A YOUNG MAN OF 26 OR 27 WHEN HE TOOK OVER FROM

HIS FATHER.

A LOT OF PEOPLE, I'M SURE, TRIED TO TAKE THAT POWER AWAY.

WHETHER IT IT WAS HIS UNCLE OR ANYBODY ELSE.

AND HE WAS ABLE TO DO IT.

SO OBVIOUSLY HE'S A PRETTY SMART COOKIE.

>> Stephen: SO, TRUMP THINKS-- NO, NO, TRUMP THINGS

KIM JONG UNIS A SMART COOKIE TO WHICH ALL OF NORTH KOREA

REPLIED, COOKIE?

HE'S A MONSTER.

THE POINT IS HE IS A MONSTER.

FAT LITTLE MONSTER.

NOW DICKERSON GAMELY TRIED TO GET TRUMP TO COMMIT TO RELEASING

HIS TAX RETURN FINALLY BUT IT IT WAS THE SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE

ABOUT UNDER AUDIT.

SO I WOULD LIKE TO REPHRASE THE QUESTION.

MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR TAX RETURNS AS A

METAPHOR FOR YOUR PENIS.

>> I HAVE A VERY BIG TAX RETURN.

YOU'VE SEEN THE PICTURE, MY TAX RETURN IS PROBABLY HIGHER THAN

THAT, FROM THE FLOOR.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'S TAX RETURN, EVEN OTHER WEALTHY

PEOPLE, THEIR TAX RETURN IS THIS THING.

MY TAX RETURN IS THIS HIGH.

>> Stephen: WE GET IT.

YOU HAVE A HUGE TAX RETURN.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE NICE, A FULL RELEASE.

PLAWTION (APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: THERE ST. SORRY-- SO I HEARD.

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

I'M FLAT ERRED BUT I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.

LATER IN THE SAME INTERVIEW TRUMP GAVE DICKERSON A TOUR OF

THE OVAL OFFICE.

>> THIS IS THE RESOLUTE DESK T SAY GREAT DESK WITH A PHENOMENAL

HISTORY.

THIS WAS FDR, IT WAS RONALD REAGAN, IT WAS KENNEDY.

THERE ARE SOME GREAT PRESIDENTS BEHIND THIS DESK.

>> Stephen: HE YES, AND IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO IT LIKE A SEA

SHELL, YOU CAN HEAR ALL OF THEM ROLLING IN THEIR GRAVE.

AND PRESIDENT TRUMP-- (APPLAUSE)

AND PRESIDENT TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT VISITORS ARE AWED BY THE

POWER OF THE OVAL OFFICE.

>> IN ONE CASE I WON'T SAY WHO, SOMEBODY YOU KNOW VERY WELL, THE

HEAD OF A MAJOR, MAJOR COMPANY.

THE PERSON CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND STARTED TO CRY.

THIS IS A TOUGH PERSON, BY THE WAY.

CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND STARTED TO CRY.

>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, IF I CAME TO THE OVAL OFFICE AND

SAW YOU SITTING BEHIND THE DESK, I WOULD CRY TOO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: NOW THERE WAS A NICE MOMENT WHEN JOHN DICKERSON

TALKED ABOUT SOME PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS THOUGHTS WITH TRUMP,

OTHER MEN WHO HAVE STOOD IN THAT ROOM AND THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT

THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PRESIDENCIMENT BUT I'M NOT QUITE

CLEAR SURE THAT DONALD TRUMP UNDERSTOOD THE MESSAGEMENT

GEORGE W. BUSH SAID THE REASON THE OVAL OFFICE IS ROUND IS

THERE ARE NO CORNERS YOU CAN BEHIND IN.

>> IN IS TRUTH TO THAT.

THERE ARE CERTAINLY NO CORNERS.

>> Jon: WAIT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT HE MEANT.

>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, LET'S BE POSITIVE.

AT LEAST HE KNOWS HIS SHAPES.

HE KNOWS OVAL, OKAY.

HE KNOWS THE PENTAGON.

AND RHOMBUS, BECAUSE IT'S REINCE PRIEBUS' MIDDLE NAME, REINCE

RHOMBUS PRIEBUS.

AND OT SUBJECT OF PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, DICKERSON ASKED

TRUMP IF HE STILL STANDS BY CLAIMS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA

WIRETAPPED HIM.

>> DO YOU STAND BY THAT CLAIM.

>> I DON'T STAND BY ANYTHING.

>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

HE DOESN'T STAND BY ANYTHING, EXCEPT THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AT

MISS U.S.A. PAGEANT.

(APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WHO NEEDS SOME LOTION.

BUT BASED ON A TRUE STORY, THAT JOKE.

BUT DICKERSON ASKED HIS QUESTION ANYWAY.

>> BUT I'M ASKING YOU.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME.

>> WHY NOT?

>> BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS AM YOU CAN HAVE YOUR

OWN OPINIONS.

>> BUT I WANT TO KNOW YOUR OPINIONS, YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STAITLE.

>> THAT'S ENOUGH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Stephen: CAN'T TALK ANY MORE, NO, CAN'T TALK ANY MORE.

IMPORTANT-- IMPORTANT PRESIDENCY WORK HERE.

GOT TO PRESIDENT ALL OVER THESE PAPERS HERE.

LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE, WHAT THIS, YES, STILL PAPER, STILL BLANK

PAPER, NOTHING ON THERE, LET'S SEE, LET ME READ THIS

PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING.

YEAH, I GOT THE BRIEFING RIGHT HERE.

I GOT THE BRIEFING, YES, IT'S TRUE, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: YES, OH, OH, YEAH, SORRY, JOHN, CAN'T TALK, GOT

TO-- GOT TO DO SOMETHING, GOT TO-- GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT

THE NATION OF CHARMINISTAN, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WE MUST WIPE THEM OFF THE MAP, UH-HUH.

IS DICKERSON STILL OVER THERE, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK.

IS HE STILL-- BRRRING, BRR,ING, SORRY, HELLO, HELLO, YES, A VERY

SECURE PHONE, YES, THIS IS DONALD TRUMP.

JOHN, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL, IT'S THE PRESIDENT OF ASIA

CALLING.

HELLO.

REALLY IMPORTANT, SWRON, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'VE GOT A BANANA IN

MY EAR.

OBVIOUSLY I'M JOKING.

SOMETHING WAS ON THAT PAPER.

ALL RIGHT.

DO WE HAVE A REVERSE SHOT, JIM?

YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

BUT I GOT TO SAY, WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE WASN'T

EVEN THE PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST INSULT TO JOHN DICKERSON.

>> AND I THINK ACTUALLY I'VE BEEN VERY CONSISTENT.

YOU KNOW, IT IS VERY FUNNY WHEN THE FAKE MEDIA GOES OUT, WHICH

WE CALL THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA, WHICH SOMETIMES I MUST SAY IS

YOU.

>> YOU MEAN ME PERSONALLY.

>> WELL, YOUR SHOW, I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

I CALL IT DEFACE THE NATION.

>> Stephen: REALLY.

DONALD TRUMP-- JOHN DICKERSON IS A FAIR-MINDED JOURNALIST.

AND ONE THE MOST COMPETENT PEOPLE WHO WILL EVER WALK INTO

YOUR OFFICE AND YOU TREAT HIM LIKE THAT?

NOW, JOHN DICKERSON HAS WAY TOO MUCH DIGNITY TO TRADE INSULTS

WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO HIS FACE.

BUT I, SIR, AM NO JOHN DICKERSON.

(APPLAUSE) AND WHEN YOU, OKAY, ALL RIGHT,

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMETHING WE

CALL THE TIFFANY WAY.

WHEN YOU INSULT ONE MEIVE THE CBS FAMILY, YOU INSULT US ALL,

BA ZYNGA, ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO, ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: GET THE GLOVES OFF.

>> Stephen: MR. TRUMP, YOUR PRESIDENCY, I LOVE YOUR

PRESIDENCY.

I CALL IT IT DES GRACE THE NATION.

-- YOU ARE NOT THE POTUS, ARE YOU THE BLOTUS, ARE YOU THE GLUT

ON WITH THE BUTTON.

ARE YOU A REGULAR GORGE WASHINGTON.

ARE YOU THE PRESI-DUNCE, BUT ARE TURN ITING TOO A REAL PRIK-TALT

TATOR.

SIR, YOU ATTRACT MORE SKIN HEADS THAN FREE ROGAINE.

YOU HAVE MORE PEOPLE MARCHING AGAINST YOU THAN CANCER.

YOU TALK LIKE A SIGN LANGUAGE GORILLA WHO GOT HID IN THE HEAD.

IN FACT THE ONLY THING YOUR MOUTH IS GOOD FOR IS BEING A

PUTTIN'S [BLEEP] HOLSTER.

YOUR PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY, IS GOING TO BE A KID'S MENU AN A

COUPLE OF JU GG'S MAGAZINE.

THE ONLY THING SMALLER THAN YOUR HANDS IS YOUR TAX RETURN.

AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT ANYWAY YOU WANT.

WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

CHRIS PRATT IS HERE. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON.

WHEN YOU COME BACK, I WILL BE RIGHT HERE WITH HISTORY LESSONS

FOR DONALD TRUMP.