fear. But it is an extraordinary experience. This is the most exciting and the most extraordinary

journey of my life. My only regret is it ends. I'd like to be on this journey with you almost

forever and a day. Adrian: I was asked to shoot an intimate portrait of a man that I

didn't know. I knew that he was ill but I really wasn't sure what to expect. Philip:

It's only when they say, you know, "Philip Gould, you're going to die, get used to it

- in weeks or months". It's only when that happens that you're aware of death. And only

when that happens that also life screams at you in its intensity.

I saw my children born. I saw them born, and I saw the incredible, massive potential of

that moment. And when my father died and the air left his body, it was as powerful as the

air entering the bodies of my daughters.

And I knew the purpose here now was to give as much love as I could to people who mattered

to me, even though I was dying. And my life became death. It gained a kind of quality

and power that it never had before. It entered a new zone which was the death zone. Just

a second, it's my wife. Hi darling.

Yeah, are you okay with all this, darling? It's lovely. I feel good. It's going to be

beautiful there and I'm going to love it.

Adrian: After an intense, intimate discussion, Philip and I decided to shoot his portrait

at Highgate Cemetery on his own grave.

Philip: Only when you accept death can you free yourself from it, can you deal with it,

can you move forward from it. So acceptance is the absolute key. At that moment, you gain

freedom and you gain power and you gain courage. This is it. This is going to be, you know,

my home for an eternity. I do really feel in my mind I've reframed it. I've changed

it. It's not some gloomy, ghastly thing. I just think this is such a wonderful, wonderful

idea, this community of the living and the dead. And I have no fear at all that I go

to this. I'm happy about it. I feel a sense almost of optimism about it, almost looking

forward to it as the next stage, and certainly very, very comfortable. You sort of think

"God, I'm scared, I'm a coward." I thought I was a coward. I was the kind of guy who

was kind of too frightened to go too fast on a bike in the evening time. You think "I

can't do this. I can't do chemotherapy. It's too painful. It's too horrible." But you do

it. And then they say "By the way, mate, you're not going to have a stomach. And you'll never

eat normally, ever again." And you kind of get used to it. And then you sort of think

"Actually, every single thing they throw at you, you can do it."

I had my wife and my children there for me at this moment because I am defining myself

now, through death. I'm giving meaning to myself, through death. Without that, I do

not know what I would do. I rely upon them enormously, almost completely. I try and lead

then. I try and inspire them. I try and show strength.

Adrian: Philip asked me to help convey his message. To help him share with other people

what he was going through.

Philip: I had a couple of really tough nights. My breathing was bad. My coughing was bad.

Everything was bad. And Gail was in a bad state too. And then I just lay there and thought

"Okay, this is bad but this is death. And as long as I look death in the eye, and as

long as I accept that I can choose the death that I seek and the death that I choose, I

have some freedom here. I have some power here. I have some possibility to shape for

myself my own death." And at that moment, I have a kind of freedom.

I feel very calm. I feel rare rest. I have found the experience of the last few weeks

to be as good as it's possible to have an experience to be since I have entered this

so-called death zone.

I've had more moments of happiness in the last five months than perhaps the last few

years. More moments of a kind of private ecstasy than really for many years. I just feel at

one with the world.

The thing I'd like to say to my daughters is I love them. And the thing I'd lie to say

to my wife is I'm sorry I let you down, but my God, you are fantastic. And I'm not letting

you down now. And you will have the best life afterwards, I believe. I love them all. That's

what I want to say to them.