GLADIATORIAL DEATH-MATCH BETWEEN WARRING TRIBES, CHEERED

ON BY THOSE OF US IN THE BLOODTHIRSTY MEDIA WHO FEED ON

THEIR PAIN.

IT'S LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES.

NO, IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.

IT'S...

THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELCOME TO THE HUNGRY FOR POWER

GAMES!

TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE!

OH, MY... THEY'RE DWINDLING.

NOW THERE ARE JUST HILLARY CLINTON AND THE SEVEN DWARVES,

AND BEN CARSON IS BOTH SLEEPY AND DOC.

BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, WE LOST THE BIGGEST DWARF OF ALL:

JEB!

JEB!

JEB!

OH, THAT'S THE LAST TIME WE'LL HEAR HIS MOURNFUL MATING CRY,

JEB, JEB.

JEB, JEB.

(LAUGHTER) NO ONE ANSWERED HIS MATING CRY!

ON SATURDAY, JEB FINISHED A DISTANT FOURTH IN SOUTH

CAROLINA AND, AS HE LEFT, JOHN ELLIS BUSH, A MAN NAMED

AFTER HIS OWN MONOGRAMMED TOWELS,

DESCRIBED THE RACE WITH AN APPROPRIATE METAPHOR.

>> TONIGHT, I AM SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN.

I CONGRATULATE MY COMPETITORS WHO ARE REMAINING ON THE ISLAND.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT!

THIS ELECTION IS LIKE "SURVIVOR"!

BUT SADLY, JEB DID NOT RUN AN "AMAZING RACE."

HE JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT "XFACTOR," AND NOTHING SHORT OF

AN "EXTREME MAKEOVER" COULD MAKE VOTERS FORGET HIS "BIG BROTHER."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND IT ALL BEGAN SO PROMISINGLY

FOR THIS CAREER TRIBUTE, TRAINED SINCE BIRTH TO FIGHT FOR CAPITOL

CITY.

HE HAD ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF NAME RECOGNITION.

BUT WAS SADDLED WITH THE BURDEN OF NAME RECOGNITION.

IN AN ELECTION WHERE REPUBLICAN VOTERS CHEERED TALK OF MEXICAN

WALLS, THIS IS HOW JEB ANNOUNCED HE WAS IN --

(SPEAKING SPANISH) >> STEPHEN: AND... HE'S OUT.

(APPLAUSE) HOW DO YOU SAY "HASTA LA VISTA"

IN ESPANOL?

TRIBUTE JEB DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF AS A MODERATE, BY MAKING

A MODERATE EFFORT, SAYING EARLY ON THAT A REPUBLICAN CENTRIST

MUST BE WILLING TO "LOSE THE PRIMARY TO WIN THE GENERAL."

CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE!

(APPLAUSE) THIS MUST ALSO BE A BLOW TO

TRIBUTE JEB'S SPONSORS IN THE CAPITOL, WHO GAVE HIM

$150 MILLION!

MEANING HIS CAMPAIGN COST AS MUCH AS "INCEPTION," ONLY THE

ENDING OF JEB'S CAMPAIGN MAKES SENSE.

BUT I WILL ALWAYS RESPECT TRIBUTE JEB -- FOR EVEN AS HIS

CAMPAIGN COLLAPSED AROUND HIM, HE NEVER LOST HIS DIGNITY.

>> I THINK THE NEXT PRESIDENT NEEDS TO BE A LOT QUIETER BUT

SEND A SIGNAL THAT WE'RE PREPARED TO ACT IN THE NATIONAL

SECURITY INTERESTS OF THIS COUNTRY, TO GET BACK IN THE

BUSINESS OF CREATING A MORE PEACEFUL WORLD... PLEASE CLAP.

(APPLAUSE) >> STEPHEN: HE SAID, "PLEASE

CLAP" AND THEY DID!

IF ONLY HE'D SAID "PLEASE VOTE FOR ME."

AND I WILL ALSO RESPECT HIM FOR TRUDGING ON DESPITE SINKING POLL

NUMBERS, DUBBING HIMSELF "THE JOYFUL TORTOISE" AND

HANDING OUT TOY TURTLES TO ANYONE WHO WOULD TAKE THEM.

BUT NOW THE TURTLE IS DEAD.

HE'S JOYFUL NO MORE!

WHAT DOES ONE DO WITH A DEAD TORTOISE?

(LAUGHTER) (FLUSHING SOUND)

BYE BYE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SAY HELLO TO ALL THE DONORS'

MONEY!

NOW, LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN.

(CANNON FIRE) FAREWELL, GENTLE JEB.

YOUR DYNASTY HAS BEEN FOREVER PUT TO REST.

NOW, THE MOST POWERFUL BUSH IS A TIE BETWEEN YOUR COUSIN BILLY

AND THAT BAKED BEANS DOG.

PLEASE CLAP!