PRIMARIES.

EVERY FOUR YEARS IOWA GOES "HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS," AND NEW

HAMPSHIRE GOES, "NO, STUPID, THIS."

AND LAST NIGHT IN THE GRANITE STATE, BERNIE SANDERS AND DONALD

TRUMP EACH CRUSHED THEIR COMPETITION BY 20 POINTS,

TURNING OUR ENTIRE POLITICAL SYSTEM UPSIDE DOWN.

OUTSIDERS ARE THE INSIDERS.

SOCIALISTS ARE THE ESTABLISHMENT.

THESE ARE NOW ACCEPTABLE HAIRSTYLES!

AND DON'T YOU SAY YOU SAW THIS COME!

"OH, I SAW THIS COMING."

SHUT UP.

YOU DID NOT!

MAYBE YOU SAW THIS COMING LAST FRIDAY, BUT NOT SIX WEEKS AGO.

REMEMBER HOW THESE GUYS LAUNCHED THEIR CAMPAIGNS?

TRUMP MAKING HIS SLOW DESCENT DOWN STAIR FORCE ONE.

AND BERNIE SANDERS ANNOUNCING IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PUBLIC PARK

WITH MORE MICROPHONES IN ATTENDANCE THAN PEOPLE.

AND NOW SOME OF THE GUYS ON THE CABLE NEWS AND THE MEDIA ARE

SAYING THIS WAS INEVITABLE.

EASY TO SAY NOW!

THAT IS LIKE DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY, SKIDDING OFF THE ROAD,

AND RIGHT BEFORE YOU SLAM INTO A TREE, SAYING, "YEP, IT'S THAT

TREE I WAS LOOKING FOR!

DUTCH ELM."

BOOM!

AND EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID THEY SAW IT COMING, THEY'RE

DISAPPOINTED IN THE VOTERS.

THE HUFFINGTON POST HUFFED, W.T.F. G.O.P.?

AND THE COVER OF THE "DAILY NEWS" TODAY WAS "DAWN OF THE

BRAIN DEAD."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE'S THE THING BECAUSE

AN AVOWED SOCIALIST AND A REALITY STAR.

THAT'S WHO'S LEADING.

AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

IT IS ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY, AND THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT

WANTS.

AMERICA HAS BEEN TOLD FOR YEARS TO PICK THE SENSIBLE CANDIDATE,

THE RESPONSIBLE ONE, A BUDDY, A PAL, GREAT ON PAPER.

"YOU WILL GROW TO LOVE THEM."

BUT NOW IT IS GETTING SWEPT OFF ITS FEET BY A COUPLE OF BAD BOYS

FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE POLLS.

( LAUGHTER ) THEY ARE SO DANGEROUS, YOU JUST

WANT TO SURRENDER YOUR BODY POLITIC AND LET THEM DO WHAT

THEY WILL.

"YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, DAD.

AT HIS RALLIES, HE MAKES ME FEEL THINGS I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE."

AND IF THESE GUYS DO MANAGE TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE

GENERAL ELECTION, IT WILL MAKE FOR SOME GREAT DEBATES.

( AS BERNIE ) "DONALD TRUMP IS A BILLIONAIRE.

HE'S GOING TO GIVE OUR COUNTRY TO THE 1%."

( AS TRUMP ) "BERNIE SANDERS IS A CLOWN.

HE'S GOING TO GIVE OUR COUNTRY TO CHINA."

( AS BERNIE ) "DONALD TRUMP IS A GREAT

NEGOTIATOR..."

AND AT THIS POINT I CAN'T TELL IF I'M DOING TRUMP OR BERNIE.

I CAN'T TELL HONESTLY, THE DIFFERENCE IS NOT

"YUGE."

OF COURSE, ONE CANDIDATE WHO DID NOT DO SO WELL LAST NIGHT IS THE

WINNER OF THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, HILLARY CLINTON.

AND EVEN SHE KNOWS WHY.

>> I KNOW I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO, PARTICULARLY WITH YOUNG

PEOPLE, BUT I WILL REPEAT AGAIN WHAT I HAVE SAID THIS WEEK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT SUPPORTING

ME NOW, I SUPPORT THEM.

>> Stephen: SHE IS NOT REACHING YOUNG PEOPLE, SO SHE IS TRYING A

NEW TACTIC: DISAPPOINTED MOM.

( LAUGHTER ) "I KNOW YOU ARE MAD AT ME RIGHT

NOW, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.

IT'S OKAY IF YOU NEED TO BE THE BAD GUY.

JUST KNOW THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I AM THE ONE WHO IS

TAKING CARE OF YOU.

NOT YOUR COOL 74-YEAR-OLD FATHER WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH ON

WEEKENDS.

HE JUST PROMISES YOU EVERYTHING-- FREE COLLEGE,

SINGLE-PAYER HEALTHCARE.

HE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU SMOKE POT!

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

THAT'S NOT A PLAN.

AND SOMEDAY WHEN YOU ARE AN UNDERPERFORMING FRONTRUNNER

YOURSELF, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.

I JUST HOPE THAT IF YOU HAVE VOTERS OF YOUR OWN SOME DAY,

THEY WILL APPRECIATE YOU.

BECAUSE, CLEARLY, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, I FAILED YOU AS A

CANDIDATE.

SO IF YOU DECIDE TO START ACTING LIKE AN ADULT, I WILL BE IN

SOUTH CAROLINA.

AND IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND MAKE A FEW

CALLS ON MY BEHALF.

NOW GO HAVE FUN WITH BERNIE.

I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK WITH BILL."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY.

I MADE YOU A CARD.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S MADE WITH MACARONI AND GOLD

PAINT THAT SAYS, "I'M SORRY."

( LAUGHTER ) I'LL PUT IT OVER HERE.

AND JUST LIKE IN IOWA, SOME OF LAST NIGHT'S BIGGEST WINNERS

WERE THE LOSERS.

AND THE WINNINGEST LOSER OF ALL WAS OHIO GOVERNOR-- AND YOUR

SCHOOL'S SECOND FAVORITE SHOP TEACHER-- JOHN KASICH.

( LAUGHTER ) HE FINISHED SECOND, BEHIND

DONALD TRUMP.

AND THE ESTABLISHMENT MUST BE RELIEVED BECAUSE HE HAS A SANE,

RATIONAL MESSAGE FOR VOTERS.

>> SO, ANYBODY WHO IS HERE TONIGHT, IF I GET ELECTED

PRESIDENT, HEAD OUT TOMORROW AND BUY A SEAT BELT, BECAUSE THERE'S

GOING TO BE SO MUCH HAPPENING IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS, IT'S GOING

TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.

>> Stephen: OKAY, JUST A QUICK QUESTION.

( LAUGHTER ) I'M ON BOARD WITH THIS, BUT

WHERE DO YOU BUY A SEAT BELT?

I LOOKED AROUND.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE PHONEBOOK THAT SAYS, "YOUR OPTIONS ARE TO

MUG A STEWARDESS, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL OR BUY A WHOLE NEW CAR

AND RIP ONE OUT.

I THIS THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

HE SAID IT WAS GOING TO MAKE MY HEAD SPIN, SO I WILL APPLY IT AS

THE GOVERNOR SUGGESTS.

THAT IS SUPER PAINFUL.

OKAY.

OW!

READY FOR YOUR INAUGURATION, SIR!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY, IF ANYONE WANTS TO

BUY A NON-STREET-LEGAL KIA SORRENTO,

PLEASE SEE MY CRAIGSLIST AD.

MEANWHILE, MARCO RUBIO CAME IN A VERY DISAPPOINTING FIFTH PLACE,

AS OPPOSED TO IOWA, WHERE HE CAME IN A TRIUMPHANT THIRD

PLACE.

NO SURPRISE AFTER HIS DISASTROUS PERFORMANCE IN SATURDAY'S

DEBATE, BUT TO GIVE HIM CREDIT.

HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY.

>> OUR DISAPPOINTMENT TONIGHT IS NOT ON YOU.

IT'S ON ME.

IT'S ON ME.

I DID NOT-- I DID NOT DO WELL ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

SO LISTEN TO THIS.

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

>> Stephen: CONFIDENCE RESTORED.

( LAUGHTER ) NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

LIKE WHEN THE HINDENBERG SAID "JUST FILL ME WITH HYDROGEN AND

SEND ME BACK UP THERE!" I'LL SHOW THAT LIGHTNING WHAT

FUR.

BUT LAST NIGHT THE NAME ON EVERYONE'S LIPS WAS BERNIE

SANDERS.

UNLESS YOU'RE CHRIS HAYES.

>> YOU SEE THAT PLAY OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS IN BOTH TRUMP'S

PARTICULARLY CLOSING MESSAGE RAILING AGAINST PHARMACEUTICAL

COMPANIES AND THE LIKE, AND BERNIE SANDWICHES.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

"BERNIE SANDWICHES," A NAME EVERYONE CAN GET BEHIND

BECAUSE HE IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE OLD BOYS' CLUB.

HE FIGHTS THE RICH GUYS ON BEHALF OF THE PO BOYS.

SOMEONE WITH A TRUSTING, OPEN FACE, AND WILL SURELY WIN

FLORIDA BY APPEALING TO CUBANS.

AND THIS IS A FRENCH DIP, HE IS AWE JUS-ISH CANDIDATE.

PLUS, HE HAS A LONG HISTORY OF SUPPORTING THE L.G.B.L.T.

COMMUNITY.

SURE, THE DEMOCRATIC ESTABLISHMENT MAY HAVE A BEEF

WITH HIM NOW, BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN REUBEN THEM THE WRONG WAY.

AND I KNOW IT MAY SOUND HOAGIE, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE IT ALL

WRAPPED UP YET, BUT IN TIMES LIKE THESE, HIS SUPPORTERS

BELIEVE WE NEED A HERO.