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  • >> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO SAY THEY LOVE THE NEW HAMPSHIRE

  • PRIMARIES.

  • EVERY FOUR YEARS IOWA GOES "HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS," AND NEW

  • HAMPSHIRE GOES, "NO, STUPID, THIS."

  • AND LAST NIGHT IN THE GRANITE STATE, BERNIE SANDERS AND DONALD

  • TRUMP EACH CRUSHED THEIR COMPETITION BY 20 POINTS,

  • TURNING OUR ENTIRE POLITICAL SYSTEM UPSIDE DOWN.

  • OUTSIDERS ARE THE INSIDERS.

  • SOCIALISTS ARE THE ESTABLISHMENT.

  • THESE ARE NOW ACCEPTABLE HAIRSTYLES!

  • AND DON'T YOU SAY YOU SAW THIS COME!

  • "OH, I SAW THIS COMING."

  • SHUT UP.

  • YOU DID NOT!

  • MAYBE YOU SAW THIS COMING LAST FRIDAY, BUT NOT SIX WEEKS AGO.

  • REMEMBER HOW THESE GUYS LAUNCHED THEIR CAMPAIGNS?

  • TRUMP MAKING HIS SLOW DESCENT DOWN STAIR FORCE ONE.

  • AND BERNIE SANDERS ANNOUNCING IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PUBLIC PARK

  • WITH MORE MICROPHONES IN ATTENDANCE THAN PEOPLE.

  • AND NOW SOME OF THE GUYS ON THE CABLE NEWS AND THE MEDIA ARE

  • SAYING THIS WAS INEVITABLE.

  • EASY TO SAY NOW!

  • THAT IS LIKE DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY, SKIDDING OFF THE ROAD,

  • AND RIGHT BEFORE YOU SLAM INTO A TREE, SAYING, "YEP, IT'S THAT

  • TREE I WAS LOOKING FOR!

  • DUTCH ELM."

  • BOOM!

  • AND EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID THEY SAW IT COMING, THEY'RE

  • DISAPPOINTED IN THE VOTERS.

  • THE HUFFINGTON POST HUFFED, W.T.F. G.O.P.?

  • AND THE COVER OF THE "DAILY NEWS" TODAY WAS "DAWN OF THE

  • BRAIN DEAD."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE'S THE THING BECAUSE

  • AN AVOWED SOCIALIST AND A REALITY STAR.

  • THAT'S WHO'S LEADING.

  • AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

  • IT IS ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY, AND THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT

  • WANTS.

  • AMERICA HAS BEEN TOLD FOR YEARS TO PICK THE SENSIBLE CANDIDATE,

  • THE RESPONSIBLE ONE, A BUDDY, A PAL, GREAT ON PAPER.

  • "YOU WILL GROW TO LOVE THEM."

  • BUT NOW IT IS GETTING SWEPT OFF ITS FEET BY A COUPLE OF BAD BOYS

  • FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE POLLS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEY ARE SO DANGEROUS, YOU JUST

  • WANT TO SURRENDER YOUR BODY POLITIC AND LET THEM DO WHAT

  • THEY WILL.

  • "YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, DAD.

  • AT HIS RALLIES, HE MAKES ME FEEL THINGS I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE."

  • AND IF THESE GUYS DO MANAGE TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE

  • GENERAL ELECTION, IT WILL MAKE FOR SOME GREAT DEBATES.

  • ( AS BERNIE ) "DONALD TRUMP IS A BILLIONAIRE.

  • HE'S GOING TO GIVE OUR COUNTRY TO THE 1%."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "BERNIE SANDERS IS A CLOWN.

  • HE'S GOING TO GIVE OUR COUNTRY TO CHINA."

  • ( AS BERNIE ) "DONALD TRUMP IS A GREAT

  • NEGOTIATOR..."

  • AND AT THIS POINT I CAN'T TELL IF I'M DOING TRUMP OR BERNIE.

  • I CAN'T TELL HONESTLY, THE DIFFERENCE IS NOT

  • "YUGE."

  • OF COURSE, ONE CANDIDATE WHO DID NOT DO SO WELL LAST NIGHT IS THE

  • WINNER OF THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, HILLARY CLINTON.

  • AND EVEN SHE KNOWS WHY.

  • >> I KNOW I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO, PARTICULARLY WITH YOUNG

  • PEOPLE, BUT I WILL REPEAT AGAIN WHAT I HAVE SAID THIS WEEK.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT SUPPORTING

  • ME NOW, I SUPPORT THEM.

  • >> Stephen: SHE IS NOT REACHING YOUNG PEOPLE, SO SHE IS TRYING A

  • NEW TACTIC: DISAPPOINTED MOM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "I KNOW YOU ARE MAD AT ME RIGHT

  • NOW, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.

  • IT'S OKAY IF YOU NEED TO BE THE BAD GUY.

  • JUST KNOW THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I AM THE ONE WHO IS

  • TAKING CARE OF YOU.

  • NOT YOUR COOL 74-YEAR-OLD FATHER WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH ON

  • WEEKENDS.

  • HE JUST PROMISES YOU EVERYTHING-- FREE COLLEGE,

  • SINGLE-PAYER HEALTHCARE.

  • HE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU SMOKE POT!

  • WELL, GUESS WHAT?

  • THAT'S NOT A PLAN.

  • AND SOMEDAY WHEN YOU ARE AN UNDERPERFORMING FRONTRUNNER

  • YOURSELF, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.

  • I JUST HOPE THAT IF YOU HAVE VOTERS OF YOUR OWN SOME DAY,

  • THEY WILL APPRECIATE YOU.

  • BECAUSE, CLEARLY, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, I FAILED YOU AS A

  • CANDIDATE.

  • SO IF YOU DECIDE TO START ACTING LIKE AN ADULT, I WILL BE IN

  • SOUTH CAROLINA.

  • AND IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND MAKE A FEW

  • CALLS ON MY BEHALF.

  • NOW GO HAVE FUN WITH BERNIE.

  • I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK WITH BILL."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY.

  • I MADE YOU A CARD.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S MADE WITH MACARONI AND GOLD

  • PAINT THAT SAYS, "I'M SORRY."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL PUT IT OVER HERE.

  • AND JUST LIKE IN IOWA, SOME OF LAST NIGHT'S BIGGEST WINNERS

  • WERE THE LOSERS.

  • AND THE WINNINGEST LOSER OF ALL WAS OHIO GOVERNOR-- AND YOUR

  • SCHOOL'S SECOND FAVORITE SHOP TEACHER-- JOHN KASICH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE FINISHED SECOND, BEHIND

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • AND THE ESTABLISHMENT MUST BE RELIEVED BECAUSE HE HAS A SANE,

  • RATIONAL MESSAGE FOR VOTERS.

  • >> SO, ANYBODY WHO IS HERE TONIGHT, IF I GET ELECTED

  • PRESIDENT, HEAD OUT TOMORROW AND BUY A SEAT BELT, BECAUSE THERE'S

  • GOING TO BE SO MUCH HAPPENING IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS, IT'S GOING

  • TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, JUST A QUICK QUESTION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'M ON BOARD WITH THIS, BUT

  • WHERE DO YOU BUY A SEAT BELT?

  • I LOOKED AROUND.

  • THERE'S NOTHING IN THE PHONEBOOK THAT SAYS, "YOUR OPTIONS ARE TO

  • MUG A STEWARDESS, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL OR BUY A WHOLE NEW CAR

  • AND RIP ONE OUT.

  • I THIS THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

  • HE SAID IT WAS GOING TO MAKE MY HEAD SPIN, SO I WILL APPLY IT AS

  • THE GOVERNOR SUGGESTS.

  • THAT IS SUPER PAINFUL.

  • OKAY.

  • OW!

  • READY FOR YOUR INAUGURATION, SIR!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY, IF ANYONE WANTS TO

  • BUY A NON-STREET-LEGAL KIA SORRENTO,

  • PLEASE SEE MY CRAIGSLIST AD.

  • MEANWHILE, MARCO RUBIO CAME IN A VERY DISAPPOINTING FIFTH PLACE,

  • AS OPPOSED TO IOWA, WHERE HE CAME IN A TRIUMPHANT THIRD

  • PLACE.

  • NO SURPRISE AFTER HIS DISASTROUS PERFORMANCE IN SATURDAY'S

  • DEBATE, BUT TO GIVE HIM CREDIT.

  • HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY.

  • >> OUR DISAPPOINTMENT TONIGHT IS NOT ON YOU.

  • IT'S ON ME.

  • IT'S ON ME.

  • I DID NOT-- I DID NOT DO WELL ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

  • SO LISTEN TO THIS.

  • THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

  • >> Stephen: CONFIDENCE RESTORED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

  • LIKE WHEN THE HINDENBERG SAID "JUST FILL ME WITH HYDROGEN AND

  • SEND ME BACK UP THERE!" I'LL SHOW THAT LIGHTNING WHAT

  • FUR.

  • BUT LAST NIGHT THE NAME ON EVERYONE'S LIPS WAS BERNIE

  • SANDERS.

  • UNLESS YOU'RE CHRIS HAYES.

  • >> YOU SEE THAT PLAY OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS IN BOTH TRUMP'S

  • PARTICULARLY CLOSING MESSAGE RAILING AGAINST PHARMACEUTICAL

  • COMPANIES AND THE LIKE, AND BERNIE SANDWICHES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • "BERNIE SANDWICHES," A NAME EVERYONE CAN GET BEHIND

  • BECAUSE HE IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE OLD BOYS' CLUB.

  • HE FIGHTS THE RICH GUYS ON BEHALF OF THE PO BOYS.

  • SOMEONE WITH A TRUSTING, OPEN FACE, AND WILL SURELY WIN

  • FLORIDA BY APPEALING TO CUBANS.

  • AND THIS IS A FRENCH DIP, HE IS AWE JUS-ISH CANDIDATE.

  • PLUS, HE HAS A LONG HISTORY OF SUPPORTING THE L.G.B.L.T.

  • COMMUNITY.

  • SURE, THE DEMOCRATIC ESTABLISHMENT MAY HAVE A BEEF

  • WITH HIM NOW, BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN REUBEN THEM THE WRONG WAY.

  • AND I KNOW IT MAY SOUND HOAGIE, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE IT ALL

  • WRAPPED UP YET, BUT IN TIMES LIKE THESE, HIS SUPPORTERS

  • BELIEVE WE NEED A HERO.

>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO SAY THEY LOVE THE NEW HAMPSHIRE

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バーニー・サンドウィッチがニューハンプシャー州を制覇 (Bernie Sandwiches Won New Hampshire)

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    VoiceTube に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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