CATHOLICS.

SINCE ABC CANCELED MOTHER THERESA, SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE UP

AGAINST JOHNNY CARSON.

NEVER FORGAVE HER.

I HAVEN'T HAD TIME FOR MY TRAY TRADITIONS, ESPECIALLY

CONFESSION.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIOUS WITH YOU

THE AUDIENCE.

YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

>> Audience: NO!

>> Stephen: GREAT.

(LAUGHTER) THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S

MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.

NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY

SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE, BECAUSE SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,

SOMETIMES I WISH THERE WAS AN iPhone APP THAT WOULD HELP ME

FORGET WHERE MY iPhone WAS MADE.

I TOLD ALL MY FRIENDS I'M WATCHING "MAKING A MURDERER,"

BUT I'M REALLY WATCHING THE MAKING OF "MURDER, SHE WROTE."

(LAUGHTER) PRETTY GOOD.

PRETTY GOOD.

IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE WEEK AND I'M ALREADY BREAKING ANY NEW YEAR'S

RESOLUTION TO STOP EATING CAKE FROSTING STRAIGHT OUT OF THE

TUB.

(LAUGHTER) THAT KELLY CLARKSON SONG "SINCE

YOU BEEN GONE" TOTALLY PUMPS MY JAM SACK.

(LAUGHTER) (SINGING, JON FOLLOWS ON ORGAN)

(MUMBLING) (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) WHEN I SEE SOMEONE'S BABY, I

ALWAYS SAY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY.

BUT WHAT I'M REALLY THINKING IS, IF THAT WASN'T A BABY, IT WOULD

BE A REALLY UGLY ADULT.

(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, OLIVE GARDEN OFFERS

UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS?

WELL, OVER THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS, I FOUND THEIR LIMIT.

(LAUGHTER) I DID GET YOUR EMAIL.

IF I FORGET SOMEONE'S NAME, I JUST CALL THEM "CHIEF."

I HOPE I DON'T DO IT WITH...

CHIEF BRODERICK.

(LAUGHTER) I ALSO GOT YOUR TEXT ASKING ME

IF I GOT YOUR EMAIL.

I NEVER JOINED THE MILE HIGH CLUB, BUT I AM IN THE GREYHOUND

BUS TERMINAL UTILITY CLOSET GUILD.

(APPLAUSE) I SALUTE THE COURAGE OF CAITLYN

JENNER.

I JUST DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE TO CARE ABOUT HER IF I NEVER

CARED ABOUT BRUCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I KIND OF WISH I ALWAYS CARRIED

AROUND A KITTEN SO ANYTIME I WANT I COULD MAKE PEOPLE GO

AWWWW...

(LAUGHTER) ALSO...

>> Audience: AWWWW!

(APPLAUSE) JUST NOW, I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF

THE FROSTING ON MY LIPS, AND I USED THAT KITTEN TO WIPE IT OFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I LIKE GOING TO THE "Y" BECAUSE

WORKING OUT NEXT TO THE ELDERLY MAKES ME FEEL STRONG.

(LAUGHTER) WHEN PEOPLE GET DIVORCED, I DO

BLAME THE KIDS.

(LAUGHTER) I HAVE IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE

LAND O' LAKES BUTTER LADY.

BUT MOSTLY ABOUT THE BUTTER.

FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE...

>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!

>> Stephen: THANKS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHIEF BRODERICK.