THEY'RE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL, AND IF YOU'RE A REGULAR VIEWER, YOU

KNOW THAT I'M A CATHOLIC.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT A REGULAR VIEWER, DON'T WORRY.

AS A CATHOLIC, I'M THE ONE WHO FEELS GUILTY ABOUT IT.

( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, I'M OFTEN TOO

BUSY FOR MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITIONS-- THE ROSARY,

STATIONS OF THE CROSS, FINDING HIDDEN MESSAGES FROM LEONARDO

DAVINCI IN RENNAISSANCE ARTS.

BUT THE TRADITION I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.

SO I WAS WONDERING IF RIGHT NOW, I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE

RIGHT NOW WITH YOU, THE AUDIENCE.

YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!

>> Stephen: GOOD.

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.

( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY

SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

BEFORE I PUT CASH IN A TIP JAR, I ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE

EMPLOYEES CAN SEE ME DO IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,

SOMETIMES I GO ON REAL ESTATE WEBSITES AND SEE HOW BIG A HOUSE

I COULD BUY IN MISSOURI.

( APPLAUSE ) I TAKE HOTEL SHAMPOO BOTTLES

WHEN I'M NOT STAYING AT THE HOTEL.

( APPLAUSE ) YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY, I TOLD A

COWORKER SHE HAD THE CUTEST BABY.

BUT REALLY IT WAS MORE OF A SIX.

( LAUGHTER ) ONE TIME IN A STORE, I USED THE

EMPLOYEES-ONLY BATHROOM BY TELLING THEM I WAS A REGIONAL

MANAGER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES I'M SO LAZY, I USE

MACHINES TO DO SOMETHING I CAN EASILY DO FOR MYSELF.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

( CLEARS THROAT ) IN REHEARSAL, THAT WAS A SMALLER

DONUT.

( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,

SOMETIMES I'LL TALK TO MY PLANTS WHEN I'M LONELY.

AND AFTER A FEW DRINKS, WELL, THE TALKING STOPS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I'M KIND OF GLAD CHIPOTLE HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF BAD PRESS

BECAUSE IT MAKES THE LINE SHORTER.

( APPLAUSE ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

I'M A TRUTHER, BUT ONLY WHEN IT COMES TO "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S

NOT BUTTER."

WHEN TELEMARKETERS CALL ME AT HOME, I ASK IF THEY CAN HOLD ON

FOR A SECOND, THEN LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK AND GO

JOGGING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I TAKE SALAD BAR SNEEZE GUARDS

AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE.

( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, ON HOT DAYS, I GO

INTO A GROCERY STORE AND PRETEND TO BE READING THE ICE CREAM

LABELS JUST SO I CAN HOLD THE FREEZER DOOR OPEN.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO RISE TO THE TOP OF MY BARBERSHOP

QUARTET.

THEY SAY "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST THOSE PEOPLE IN MY SHED.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!