I LOVE HUMP DAY.

IT'S A NICE REMINDER THAT NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS GET, THE

END IS IN SIGHT.

UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.

BECAUSE NOTHING, BUT NOTHING WILL EVE STOP THIS GUY.

HE'S WAY AHEAD IN THE POLLS, HE'S GETTING ALL THE

ENDORSEMENTS, AND I'M NOT SURPRISED, BECAUSE THERE'S NO

ONE ON EARTH LIKE DONALD TRUMP.

WELL, EXCEPT MAY ONE PERSON.

>> I'M HERE TO SUPPORT THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

DONALD TRUMP.

♪ DA-DA!

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE YA-YA♪

GOD I HAVE MISSED YOU.

IT'S LIKE A MAGICAL EAGLE MADE A WISH ON A FLAG PIN AND IT CAME

TO LIFE.

WHICH IS GREAT.

FOR ME.

BECAUSE WHILE TRUMP ADMITTEDLY HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH MATERIAL TO

MAKE JOKES ABOUT, NOBODY COMPARES TO THE ORIGINAL

MATERIAL GIRL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND SARAH PALIN IS SUCH A PRO,

SHE KNOWS, WHEN YOU'RE ON A REUNION TOUR, THE CROWD

ONLY WANTS TO HEAR THE GREATEST HITS.

>> I WANT YOU TO TRY TO PICTURE THIS.

IT'S A NICE THING TO PICTURE.

EXACTLY ONE YEAR FROM TOMORROW, FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA--

( APPLAUSE ) -- HE PACKS UP THE TELEPROMPTERS

AND THE SELFIE STICKS AND THE GREEK COLUMNS AND ALL THAT

"HOPEY-CHANGEY" STUFF, AND HE HEADS ON BACK TO CHICAGO WHERE

I'M SURE HE CAN FIND SOME COMMUNITY THERE TO ORGANIZE

AGAIN.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO CHILL.

IN FACT, IT'S TIME TO DRILL, BABY, DRILL, DOWN AND HOLD THESE

FOLKS ACCOUNTABLE.

>> Stephen: WOOOO!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DRILL, BABY, DRILL!

HOPEY CHANGEY!

CHANGEY HOPEY.

DO "LAMESTREAM MEDIA!" DO "LIPSTICK ON A PITBULL."

SAY "HOCKEY MOM!" I MEAN, LOOK AT HER.

SHE HAS NOT MISSED A STEP!

SHE'S LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN IN THE PLAY-OFFS!

SHE IS UNCONSCIOUS!

YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP.

SHE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THINGS I COULD SAY ABOUT YESTERDAY'S

ENDORSEMENT, BUT NOT NEARLY AS MANY AS SARAH PALIN COULD.

>> THEY STOMP ON OUR NECK, AND THEN THEY TELL US, JUST CHILL,

OK?

YES, JUST RELAX.

THEY'VE BEEN WEARING THIS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS KIND OF

LIKE A SUICIDE VEST.

WE KOWTOW, AND WE APOLOGIZE, AND THEN WE BEND OVER AND SAY,

"THANK YOU, ENEMY."

YOU READY FOR A COMMANDER IN CHIEF WHO WILL LET OUR WARRIORS

DO THEIR JOB AND GO KICK ISIS' ASS?

THEN, FUNNY-- HAHA, NOT FUNNY-- BUT NOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS

WAILING, "WELL, TRUMP AND HIS TRUMPETERS, WELL, THEY'RE NOT

CONSERVATIVE ENOUGH."

HE DOESN'T GET HIS POWER, HIS HIGH OFF OF OPIUM, OTHER

PEOPLE'S MONEY.

HE BUILDS BIG THINGS, THINGS THAT TOUCH THE SKY.

RIGHT WING AND BITTER CLINGING, PROUD CLINGERS OF OUR GUNS OUR

GOD AND OUR RELIGIONS AND OUR CONSTITUTION.

NO MORE PUSSY-FOOTIN' AROUND.

CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?

>> Stephen: HALLELUJAH!

HALLELUJAH!

WOOO!

WOOO!

WOOO!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SARAH PALIN JUST GUARANTEED

TRUMP THE EVANGELICAL VOTE BECAUSE I THINK SHE WAS

SPEAKING IN TONGUES!

( APPLAUSE ) I JUST WISH SHE COULD ENDORSE

EVERY CANDIDATE, BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD SOUND SOMETHING LIKE

THIS: FIRST, LET ME TASE THE PART OF

MY BRAIN THAT UNDERSTANDS SENTENCE STRUCTURE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

OKEY-DOKEY, HERE WE GO-KEY.

( LAUGHTER ) GREETINGS, AND WELCOMES TO ALL

ACROSS AMERICANS, YOU GO-GETTERS AND TOE-TAPPERS, YOU MOTOR CITY

MAD MEN.

I'M HERE TO SUPPORT THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF ALL OUR STATES, THE

JOYFUL TORTOISE, JEB BUSH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S GONNA KICK AL-BAGHDADI IN

THE AL-BALLBAG.

AND YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, "THE MEDIA" -- AND YOU KNOW THEY DO.

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON OLD BARRY O'BAMA'S SECRETARY OF

HIDING E-MAILS.

WHICH IS WHY I'M HERE TO SUPPORT THE NEXT PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES, HILLARY CLINTON.

SHE'S BEEN THE FIRST LADY, AND LAST TIME I CHECKED THE

CONSTITUTION, "FIRST" IS NUMBER ONE.

OR DID THEY CHANGE THAT IN THE TEXTBOOKS?

YOU SAY FUNNY, HAHA.

I SAY "HONEY BOO-HOO."

BUT I ALSO SAY HONEY NUT CHEERIOS.

THEY'RE GRRREAT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND SO ARE-- SO ARE-- COME ON

YOU,UN.

NO, THEY DO.

NO, THEY DO.

SO ARE FLUFFERNUTTER, MONKEY BUTTER, BELL RINGER,

CHICKEN FINGER ON THIS MONDAY-TO-FRIDAY PLANE!

AND I'M SICK OF IT.

WHICH IS WHY I'M HERE TO SUPPORT OUR NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES, MARCO RUBIO, THE PROUD SON OF IMMIGRANTS FROM CUBA--

WHICH WE'RE NOW LETTING AIRPLANES FLY TO, THANKS TO OUR

CURRENT COMMANDER-IN-SPLEEF GOING COMMANDO BECAUSE THE

EMPEROR'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON, APOLOGIZING TO BIN LADEN FOR

DUMPING HIM DOWN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.

WE NEED A LEADER WHO'S GOT THE THICK SKIN TO TELL 'EM

EVERYTHING'S BETTER DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER UNDER THE SEA!

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO SUPPORT OUR NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES, SEBASTIAN THE CRAB.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!

PUTIN CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

HE CAN'T DO IT, NO.

I'VE SEEN IT.

I'VE SEEN THE BEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION DESTROYED BY MADNESS,

STARVING HYSTERICAL NAKED.

JUST ASK OUR NEXT PRESIDENT, WHO CAN OR CANNOT BE A WOMAN.

ANIMAL, VEGETABLE, OR SNOW MACHINE.

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY ONE WITH THE NO-NONSENSE,

NO-WASHINGTON, NO-BAMA, NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE,

NO WAY, NO HOW, NO THANK YOU, NOME, ALASKA.

WHICH IS MY HOME STATE!

WHICH IS WHY I'M ENDORSING THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES, SARAH PALIN.

THIS HAS BEEN MY INAUGURATION.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS

EVERYBODY!

I NOW RESIGN TO MAKE A REAL DIFFERENCE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES SPADER.