レイトショー with デイヴィッド・レターマン 2004年10月 (Late Show with David Letterman Oct.2004)

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(APPLAUSE)
WHAT?
WHAT?
I NOTICED SOMETHING.
THE AUDIENCE AT THE DEBATE LAST
NIGHT WAS SILENT FOR 90 MINUTES,
EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF SMALL
LAUGHS.
IT WAS JUST LIKE WHEN I THOESD
ACADEMY AWARDS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Paul:
♪ I LOVE YOU ♪♪
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
BETTY RUSSELL.
IS BETTY RUSSELL HERE?
HELLO, BETTY.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
DAVE WHERE YOU FROM?
>> POINT PLEASANT, NEW JERSEY.
>> Dave: POINT PLEASANT, NEW
JERSEY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: AND IS THAT ON THE
SHORE?
>> YES, IT, IS JERSEY SHORE.
>> Dave: IS THAT FAR FROM HERE?
>> NO.
>> Dave: YOU WORK DOWN THERE?
>> NO, I'M RETIRED.
>> Dave: YOU WORK THERE?
>> NO, I'M RETIRED.
>> Dave: GOOD FOR YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW OR TELL US
SOMETHING?
>> BOTH.
>> Dave: BOTH.
>> SHOW AND TELL.
>> Dave: TELL US FIRST AND THEN
SHOW US.
>> I WENT TO MY HIGH SCHOOL
JUNIOR PROM WITH JACK NICHOLSON.
>> Dave: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHOA!
YOUR JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL PROM.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Dave: YOUR DATE WAS JAKE
NICHOLSON, THE ACTOR?
>> YES.
>> Dave: WOW?
>> YES.
>> Dave: YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL
TOGETHER?
>> GRAMMAR SCHOOL AND HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> Dave: DO YOU STAY IN TOUCH?
>> YES.
THIS IS FIRST ONE, OUR JUNIOR
PROM PICTURE.
>> Dave: LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> Dave: JACK.
(APPLAUSE)
WHOA.
LOOK.
LOOK AT THIS.
TALK ABOUT A BABE.
MAN.
NICE GOING, BETTY.
YESIRREE.
(APPLAUSE)
>> THE SECOND PICTURE I HAVE TO
SHOW YOU IS FRIDAY NIGHT AT OUR
50th CLASS REUNION.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THAT'S TREMENDOUS.
VERY NICE.
OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
COME ON DOWN HERE.
BETTY RUSSELL, SHE HAD A COUPLE
DATES WITH JACK NICHOLSON.
YOU KNOW, ODDLY, YOU LOOK BETTER
IN THE MORE RECENT PHOTOGRAPH
THAN YOU DID IN THE OLDER
PHOTOGRAPH.
THE TWO OF YOU MADE A GREAT
COUPLE, DON'T YOU THINK?
>> WE WERE JUST FRIENDS.
>> Dave: JUST FRIENDS?
(LAUGHTER)
IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT HERE?
>> YES, IT IS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: JUST FRIENDS.
THEY WERE JUST FRIENDS.
>> JUST FRIENDS.
>> Dave: RELAX.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
>> I GOT THE BETTER JACK.
>> Dave: YOU GOT THE BETTER
JACK.
THERE'S DINNER FOR TWO AT
GALLAGERS, SOME MUSE FRICK THE
LATE SHOW AND POPCORN,
EXPLODE-O-POP, AMERICA'S ONLY
EXPLODING POPPING CORN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NICE MEETING YOU.
(APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
TIME FOR ONE MORE.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR A HUGH
O'BRIEN.
IS THERE A HUGH O'BRIEN.
HI, HUGH, HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD.
>> Dave: NICE TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
(APPLAUSE)
WHERE YOU FROM
>>
>> MINNEAPOLIS.
>> Dave: MINNEAPOLIS IS A GREAT
TOWN.
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A
LIVING?
>> MY PARTNERS AND I CREATED A
POLITICAL BOARD GAME WE JUST
RELEASED.
>> Dave: PERFECT TIMING.
COULDN'T BE BETTER.
IT'S LIKE YOU DRAW CARDS AND
MOVE THINGS AROUND THE BOARD.
>> IT'S LIKE LAND SLOOISMTED
IT'S A POLITICAL BOARD GAME
BASED ON MONOPOLY MORE OR LESS.
>> Dave: AT THE END YOU GOAT BE
PRESIDENT?
>> YES, EXACTLY.
>> Dave: HOW MUCH WOULD THAT
COST?
>> FOR YOU, FREE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WOW.
WHOA.
MAKING OUT LIKE A BANDIT.
(APPLAUSE)
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT, HUGH.
LET'S SEE, YOU'RE IN NEW YORK
CITY DOING WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> VISITING A FRIEND.
>> Dave: YOU'RE SHOWING US OR
TELLING US TONIGHT?
>> I AM SHOWING.
>> Dave: WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE,
HUGH?
>> I AM GOING TO SAW MY TONGUE
WITH A STEAK KNIFE.
>> Dave: SAW YOUR TONGUE WITH A
STEAK KNIFE.
>> AND TO PROVE IT'S SHARP...
>> Dave: WAIT, WAIT.
HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS WANT TO
SEE THAT?
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
IS IT DANGEROUS?
>> I CAN ONLY DO IT ONCE A
MONTH.
>> Dave: WILL YOU ACTUALLY SEVER
YOUR TONGUE?
>>, NO I WON'T.
>> Dave: WILL THERE BE BLOOD?
>> THERE MIGHT BE.
>> Dave: I DON'T THINK WE WANT
THAT.
YOU HAVE THE APPLE TO...
>> TO PROVE THE STEAK KNIFE IS
ACTUALLY SHARP.
>> Dave: THIS IS THE IMPLEMENT
WITH WHICH HE WILL BE SAWING HIS
TONGUE.
YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT, THAT
BETTY?
>> I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
>> Dave: SHE'S SEEN IT BEFORE,
SHE SAYS.
YOU WANT LIKE A DRUM ROLL OR
ANYTHING?
>> THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> Dave: AN ON THE, HERE WE GO.
HUGH O'BRIEN IS GOING TO SAW HIS
TONGUE.
ARGGGG...
(APPLAUSE)
WHOA.
WHOA.
WHY DID YOU START DOING THAT?
(LAUGHTER)
>> AS A KID.
>> Dave: AS A KID?
>> I WOULD DO IT FREAK OUT MY
BROTHERS AND IT WORKED EVERY
TIME.
>> Dave: MOM AND DAD WERE OKAY
WITH THIS?
>> THEAPPL
ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT, WHAT A
FANTASTIC SHOW.
BILLY CRYSTAL IS JOINING US THIS
EVENING.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.
>> Paul: SURE IS.
>> Dave: AND MAYBE YOU DON'T
KNOW THIS, MAYBE YOU DO KNOW
THIS, I BELIEVE LAST TIME BILLY
WAS HERE HE MENTIONED HE WAS
GETTING READY DO THIS, BUT IT'S
GOING TO BE AN UNBELIEVABLE
SENSATION AND ALREADY HE'S
SETTING BOX OFFICE RECORDS, I'M
TALKING ABOUT HIS ONE-MAN SHOW
HE'LL BE DOING ON BROADWAY
CALLING "700 SUNDAYS."
IT OPENS NOVEMBER 12th.
THEY'VE SOLD... SORRY?
>> PREVIEWS.
>> Dave: PREVIEWS?
>> Paul: PREVIEWS START, I
SUPPOSE, NOVEMBER 12th.
(LAUGHTER)
SEE, ON BROADWAY, THEY HAVE
PREVIEWS FOR A WHILE, THEN THEY
HAVE AN OPENING.
THE PREVIEWS...
>> Dave: THIS IS THE EXPLANATION
I WAS HOPING TO AVOID.
>> Paul: KINKS.
(LAUGHTER)
WORK OUT THE KINKS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: ANYWAY... THE SHOW
HASN'T OPENED YET AND IT'S
ALREADY A TREMENDOUS HIT.
THEY'VE SOLD IN ADVANCE SIX
MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF
TICKETS.
>> Paul: NO KIDDING?
>> Dave: PHENOMENAL.
>> Paul: WOW.
>> Dave: $6 MILLION WORTH OF
TICKETS.
>> Paul: THE MONEY YOU PEOPLE
CALL WITH YOUR CALL, THAT'S PART
OF THE TOTAL.
THAT'S NOT THE CORPORATE MONEY.
THE CORPORATE MONEY FROM THE
GOOD FOLKS AT 7-11, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT, BUT
YOUR CALS, AND BY THE WAY, PICK
UP A PHONE.
>> Dave: OKAY.
THANK YOU.
PAUL, DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD IN
THE TUB AGAIN?
ALSO ON THE PROGRAM, RALPH
NADER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
RALPH NADER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DO YOU HAVE ANY THINK OF THAT.
>> Dave: IN SUMMER YOU DON'T
NEED THE A.KRVMENT THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA.
AND NOW, NOW THAT THE DEBATES
ARE OVER, WE HAVE FOR YOU THE
PRESIDENTIAL, THAT WOULD BE
GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE BLINK COUNT.
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BLINK COUNT.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> WE'RE GOING TO SHUT THAT
LOOPHOLE IN A NANOSECOND AND USE
THAT MONEY TO LOWER CORPORATE
TAX RATES IN AMERICA FOR ALL
CORPORATIONS, 5% AND THEN WE'LL
HAVE A MANUFACTURING JOBS CREDIT
AND A JOB HIRING CREDIT TO HELP
PEOPLE DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM.
THE SECOND THING WE CAN DO IS
PROVIDE A FAIR TRADE...
>> Dave: THE BLINK COUNT.
>> Paul: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?
DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING?
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW.
IT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS
WHAT THAT MEANS.
(LAUGHTER)
ALTHOUGH
>> I BECAME THE CHAIR.
OH, BOY.
>> Dave: LOOK AT THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU, I'M EXCITED ABOUT
THIS ONE-MAN THING FAR COUPLE
REASONS, NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH
YOU'LL BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
FOR A WHILE NOW.
>> YES,LY, ANDLY STOP BY.
>> Dave: EXCELLENT.
THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC.
THE NEW $6 MILLION MAN.
ADVANCED SALES, $6 MILLION.
>> I'M NOT HERE TALKING ABOUT...
I KNOW.
>> Dave: THAT'S TERRIFIC.
>> BOFFO WAS THE FIFTH MARKS
BROTHER.
GUMMO, SDEFO, ABOVEO.
I'M HUMBLED AND MOVED BY THIS
KIND OF STUFF.
I'M... WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A
GREAT SHOW, A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT
OF FUN.
WE'LL BE HERE FOR... I'M GOING
TO RUN UNTIL 2009 AND THEN CONAN
WILL TAKE OVER.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HE'LL DO A GOOD JOB FOR
YOU.
HE'S A GOOD BOY.
>> HE WILL.
>> I COULDN'T RESIST.
>> Dave: WAS I TRIINGT LAST TIME
YOU WERE ON THE SHOW, YOU WERE
SORT OF WORKING THIS UP.
YOU'D BEEN PREPARING THIS FOR
THE LAST YEAR OR MAYBE LONGER?
ECHLT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT
SINCE 1948.
I HAVE A NUTTY FAMILY AND GREAT
THINGS HAPPENED IN OUR FAMILY
HERITAGE.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
I WORK SHOPD IT LAST YEAR.
AT THE LA JOLLA PLAYHOUSE.
I SAID, LET'S DO IT.
I CAN'T BE MORE EXCITED THAN
BEING HERE, MY HOMETOWN, DOING
IT, BEING PART OF THE BROADWAY
COMMUNITY AND RUNNING THE SHOW.
>> Dave: WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT,
THE TITLE, "700 SUNDAYS."
TELL PEOPLE WHAT THAT REFERS TO.
>> WELL, MY FATHER HAD TWO JOBS.
ALL OF OUR LIVES.
THE ONLY DAY OFF HE HAD WAS
SUNDAY.
HE DIED WHEN I WAS A KID.
SO I FIGURED OUT THAT I HAD
ROUGHLY 700 OF THEM WITH HIM TO
SORT OF GET MY LIFE MOVING
FORWARD.
NOW, THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW.
AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY, BUT HE
WAS AN AMAZING GUY AND GAVE ME A
GREAT PUSH IN THE RIGHT
DIRECTION.
THE SHOW IS ABOUT OUR
RELATIONSHIP.
>> Dave: VERY SWEET AND A
WONDERFUL TRIBUTE TO YOUR FATHER
AND THE RELATIONSHIP THE TWO OF
YOU HAD.
YAISMT, BECAUSE HE SENT ME INTO
SUCH GREAT THINGS IN MY LIFE,
THE JAZZ WORLD BECAUSE HE WAS A
PROMOTEOR, A CONCERT PROMOTEOR.
THAT'S ALL IN THE SHOW.
I GOT TO PLAY CASH TWHORS
INFLUENCED ME AND GUYS THAT TALK
LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.
(ISM AT THE PRESENT TIMING JAZZ
SINGER)
>> Dave: THE PREVIEWS BEGIN
NOVEMBER 12th.
>> AND WE OPEN DECEMBER 5th.
I WANT YOU TO COME OHMNING
NIGHT.
>> Dave: I'LL BE THERE.
>> AND PAUL, TOO.
>> Paul: I'LL CERTAINLY BE
THERE.
>> I KNOW.
>> Dave: WE'LL BE THERE.
HOW IS THE SUMMER, HOW'S THE
FAMILY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS LEAVING,
ININGED AS MUCH "TIMES" A I
COULD WITH MY DWRANDAUGHTER.
>> Dave: HOW OLD IS SHE?
>> 16 MONTHS NOW.
(APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU.
LIKE I HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH
IT.
HARRY, WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS
ARRANGE A PLAY DATE.
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
(LAUGHTER)
I THINK YOU AND I SHOULD TAKE
THE KIDS TO THE PARK AND JUST
THE TWO OF US WITH THE TWO KIDS
AND WE'LL LOOK LIKE A GAY COUPLE
WITH OUR ADOPTINGED KIDS.
DON'T YOU ANY
>> Dave: YES, I THINK WE'D HAVE
A GREAT TIME.
>> WHEN IT'S NAP TIME, YOU CAN
TAKE YOUR NAP AND I'LL WATCH THE
KIDS.
YOU DO THE BABY TALK.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
THEN YOU HAND HER BACK AND GO TO
A MOVIE.
BECAUSE... WE HAD HER... THE
KIDS... THIS WAS A TRUE TEST.
WE HAD HER ALONE FOR A WEEK.
>> Dave: THE FOLKS TOOK A TRIP
OR SOMETHING?
>> JENNY AND MIKE WENT OFF TO A
WEDDING IN MEXICO.
WE HAD ELLA FOR A WEEK.
YOU FORGET HOW HARD IT IS, HOW
HIRING IT IS.
ANYBODY WHO HAS A BABY WHEN
YOU'RE OVER 50 IS OUT OF YOUR
MIND.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: YES.
I THINK THAT'S TRUE.
>> YOU'RE SO TIRED.
IT TAKES OUT SO MUCH OF YOU
BECAUSE IT'S SO TIRING.
AREN'T YOU POOPED IN
>> ALL THE TIME.
NEVER BEEN THIS TIRED IN MY
LIFE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> DO SOME BABY TALK FOR ME?
>> NO, NO.
>> HOW DO YOU TALK TO HARRY?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave:, NO I'M NOT.
>> BUT ISN'T IT... ISN'T IT
ULTIMATELY THE MOST INCREDIBLE
THING IN THE WORLD TO WATCH 'EM
GROW?
>> Dave: IT'S JUST CRAZY.
I MENTIONED THIS TO SOMEBODY THE
OTHER NIGHT.
I BELIEVE IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE ACTUALLY EXPEERNSD JOY.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
JUST JOY.
(AUDIENCE OOH IS
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
PAUL, WOULD-BE BIT NICE TO HAVE
BILLY...
>> IT SURE WILL.
>> Dave: YOU ANDLY GO.
>> Dave: I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE
THEATER IN YEARS AND YEARS AND