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  • GENTLEMAN, COMEDIAN BRIAN REGAN.

  • THAT'S THE BIG PROGRAM FOR YOU.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I

  • HAVE HERE ON THE -- OOOP, I JUST

  • HUNG UP ON HIM, BOY, THAT'S A

  • MISTAKE.

  • >> Paul: OH NO!

  • >> Dave: ANYWAY T IS THE VOICE

  • OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY, DAVE

  • JOHNSON.

  • AND THIS IS THE 1 31st RUNNING

  • OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY.

  • AND AS YOU KNOW THE BEST PART

  • ABOUT WATCHING THE DERBY WHEN

  • THIS GUY DOES THE CALL, AND HE

  • COMES TO MAKE THE FINAL TURN AND

  • YOU HEAR THIS GUY SCREAMING, AND

  • DOWN THE SPRINT THEY COME!

  • >> Paul: THAT IS IT.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • AND IF YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ME,

  • GOD FORBID --

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WHEN YOU HEAR THIS YOU

  • ARE SO EXCITED YOU ARE JUMPING

  • UP AND DOWN ON THE COUCH.

  • >> Paul: I'M LIKE YOU.

  • >> Dave: YEAH, THANK YOU.

  • AND WE HAVE HIM ON THE PHONE

  • RIGHT HERE.

  • HEY, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU DOING.

  • >> GREAT, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> I'M FINE.

  • ARE YOU ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE

  • DERBY?

  • >> I WAITED FOR THIS DAY FOR A

  • YEAR.

  • >> Dave: LET ME ASK YOU, IS IT

  • THE MOST EXCITING TWO MINUTES IN

  • SPORTS?

  • >> YES.

  • >> Dave: AND THIS WILL BE THE

  • 1341s.

  • >> YES, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE

  • FOR ALL OF THEM.

  • >> Dave: HOW MANY HAVE YOU BEEN

  • THERE FOR.

  • >> 29 OR 30.

  • >> Dave: AND WHO IS THE

  • FAVOURITE.

  • >> THE FAVOURITE IS BELLAMI ROAD

  • THE HORSE THAT GEORGE

  • STEINBRENNER OWNS.

  • >> Dave: I SEE.

  • AND DO YOU HAVE MONEY ON THE

  • EVENT?

  • >> ALWAYS.

  • >> Dave: HOW MUCH WILL YOU BET

  • TOMORROW?

  • >> SAME AS YOU, DAVE, SAME AS

  • LAST YEAR.

  • >> Dave: A MILLION?

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW WHY WE CALLED,

  • DAVID.

  • >> Dave: .

  • >> OH, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: AND I DON'T WANT

  • ANYTHING, DON'T LAY BACK ON ME

  • HERE.

  • >> OKAY.

  • >> Dave: DON'T GET COLD FEET.

  • LET ME DO IT FIRST AND I WANT

  • YOU TO EMULATE WHAT I'M DOING.

  • >> OKAY.

  • >> Dave: AND DOWN THE TRACK THEY

  • COME!

  • YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING.

  • >> YES, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: YOU CAN DO THAT?

  • >> I CAN.

  • >> Dave: NOW YOU WILL SET UP A

  • LITTLE BIT OF A HYPOTHETICAL

  • HORSE RACE AND THEY MAKE THE

  • TURN AND THEN TAKE IT AWAY, HERE

  • WE GO, DAVE JOHNSON, GET READY

  • FOR REAL FUN, GET READY TO START

  • JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON YOUR

  • COUCH.

  • >> COMING FOR HOME T IS BELLAMI

  • ROAD STILL IN FRONT, CHARGING UP

  • ON THE OUTSIDE, HERE COMES HIGH

  • FLY AND HE SQUEEZES BETWEEN,

  • BADINI IS COMING ON.

  • AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YEAH!

  • YEAH!

  • YEAH TO GO!

  • WAY TO GO!

  • BOY, YOU GOT ALL OF THAT ONE,

  • DAVE.

  • >> THANKS, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: HAVE A GREAT RACE.

  • >> THANKS, GOOD LUCK.

  • >> Dave: NICE CHATTING WITH

  • USE)

  • >> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?

  • YOU HOP UP ON THAT COUCH AND DIP

  • AND CHIPS GO FLYING!

  • AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!

  • I WISH WE COULD USE THAT PHRASE

  • IN EVERY BIG LEAGUE SPORT.

  • >> Paul: I KNOW.

  • USE)ave: WOULDN'T IT BE FUN?

  • >> Dave: NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS

  • LAST WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BUSH MET

  • WITH SAUDI CROWN PRINCE ABDULLAH

  • DOWN IN CREWFORD, TEXAS, THERE

  • IS THE PRESIDENT AND CROWN

  • PRINCE, SEE THAT PHOTOGRAPH,

  • THEY ARE WALKING, DOES THAT LOOK

  • ODD TO YOU, THEY ARE WALKING

  • HAND-IN-HAND.

  • I THOUGHT THAT WAS UNUSUAL.

  • AND THEN LATER, LOOK, THEY WERE

  • PHOTOGRAPHED -- WHOA

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: AND HERE NOW IS THE

  • PHOTOGRAPH I FOUND MOST

  • DISTURBING.

  • LOOK AT THIS ONE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WHOA, NELLY!

  • >> Dave: CRAZY!

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: OKAY, THE 1 31st

  • RUNNING OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY AS

  • WE MENTIONED TAKES PLACE

  • TOMORROW.

  • AND THAT'S THE INSPIRATION FOR A

  • NEW SEGMENT WE CALL "JOKES FOR

  • JOCKEYS"

  • HOW TIMELY IS THIS.

  • >> Paul: JOKES FOR JOCKEYS.

  • >> Dave: A BRAND-NEW SEGMENT.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

  • WELCOME ARTHUR TRAVIS,

  • COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL

  • THOROUGHBRED RACING ASSOCIATION.

  • Mr. TRAVIS, WHERE IS HE?

  • THERE HE IS, Mr. TRAVIS.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: JOKES FOR JOCKEYS.

  • ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT AWAY,

  • Mr. TRAVIS, ANY TIME ARE YOU

  • READY, JOKES FOR JOCKEYS, HERE

  • WE GO.

  • >> WHAT IS THE HARDEST TIME TO

  • WIN A HORSE RACE?

  • 12:31 BECAUSE IT IS 29 TO 1.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

  • Mr. TRAVIS.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT, IS HE GONE

  • FOR THE LOVE OF -- ALL RIGHT,

  • GET HIM OUT OF -- GET YOUR OWN

  • SHOW.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: NOW TODAY MAY 6th IS

  • THE 68th ANNIVERSARY OF THE HIND

  • ENBERG DISASTER, TONIGHT WE ARE

  • GOING TO MARK THAT ANNIVERSARY

  • WITH ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF

  • SOMETHING CALLED "IT'S NOT SO

  • BAD WITH FUNNY MUSIC"

  • [♪♪♪]

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: TOO BAD.

  • >> Dave: PERHAPS THIS SEGMENT

  • COULD BE HELPED WITH FUNNY

  • MUSIC.

  • >> Paul: I KNOW, WELL -- TRYING.

  • >> Dave: IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

  • >> Paul: WE'RE TRYING OVER HERE.

  • >> Dave: NO, YOU ARE FINE.

  • >> Paul: WE PLAYED SOME

  • HILARIOUS THINGS.

  • >> AND FINALLY MOTHER'S DAY IS

  • THIS WEEKEND SO WE ASKED OUR

  • ANNOUNCER TO SAY A FEW WORDS,

  • ALAN, TAKE IT AWAY, SIR.

  • >> THANK YOU, DAVE.

  • NOW THIS SUNDAY IS THE DAY WE

  • HONOR THE TIRELESS WOMEN WHOSE

  • SOOTHING WORDS WOULD COAX US

  • BACK TO SLEEP AFTER A NIGHTMARE.

  • THE WOMEN WHO DRY OUR TEARS

  • AFTER A SKINNED KNEE.

  • THE WOMEN WHO WOULD GIVE US A

  • SHINNY NICKEL NOT TO TELL DADDY

  • ABOUT Mr. WATKINS, THE GARDENER.

  • THE WOMEN WHO PLOP US IN FRONT

  • OF THE TELEVISION EVERY

  • AFTERNOON TO SHUT US UP WHILE

  • SHE GOT LOST IN A BOTTLE OF

  • CUDDYSARK.

  • THE WOMEN WHO ARRANGED FOR TRIPS

  • TO A SPECIALIST WHEN OUR

  • BEDWETTING PERSISTED THROUGH

  • COLLEGE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> THE BIM WHO PUT US IN DRESSES

  • TO TRY TO FORCE US TO BECOME THE

  • DAUGHTER SHE NEVER HAD.

  • WHAT KIND OF SADDISTIC SHREW

  • PUTS A STRAPPING HIGH SCHOOL BOY

  • IN A DRESS?

  • WHY DON'T YOU GET THE GARDENER

  • TO TAKE YOU TO -- RED -- LOBSTER

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: THAT IS KIND OF AN UGLY

  • ECK.

  • WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, YOU

  • PUNK!

  • NOW, ANGIE, WHAT IS YOUR TRICK

  • FOR US TONIGHT, YOUR STUPID

  • HUMAN TRICK.

  • >> I CAN MAKE A SOUND JUST LIKE

  • A CAR ALARM GOING OFF.

  • >> Dave: REALLY?

  • >> YES.

  • >> Dave: WOW!.

  • AND DO I NEED TO TICKLE YOU OR

  • ANYTHING.

  • >> NOPE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: THAT'S TOO BAD.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • ANYTHING YOU NEED FROM THE BAND?

  • >> NOTHING, NOTHING.

  • >> Dave: OKAY, ANGIE GREEN GOING

  • TO MAKE THE SOUND OF A CAR ALARM

  • BEING SET OFF.

  • TAKE AWAY.

  • WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • I.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Dave: TAKE A LOOK AT THAT IN

  • SLOW MOTION INSTANT REPLAY.

  • THERE SHE IS.

  • YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

  • ANY PUNKS, ANGIE.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TRAVEL

  • SAFELY BACK TO COLORADO, NICE

  • MEET YOU, ANGIE GREEN,

  • KEEP MOVING ALONG HERE.

  • ADAM, WHAT IS YOUR TRICK FOR US

  • TONIGHT.

  • >> I CAN DO PUSH-UPS IN TO HAND

  • STANDS WITHOUT USING MY FEET.

  • >> Dave: LET'S GO THROUGH THIS,

  • YOU WILL DO PUSH-UPS AND THEN

  • FROM A PUSH-UP IT IS A HAND

  • STAND AND NO FEET INVOLVED.

  • >> NO FEET INVOLVED.

  • >> Dave: .

  • >> THEY ARE STILL ATTACHED TO MY

  • BODY BUT I WON'T USE MY FEET TO

  • GET MYSELF UP OFF THE GROUND.