レイトショー with デイヴィッド・レターマン - 2004年9月 (Late Show with David Letterman - Sept.2004)

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WANG TURBAN.
A VERA WANG -- YOU FOLKS KNOW
JERRY LEWIS, THE GREAT COMEDIAN
JERRY LEWIS?
JUST HAD HIS LABOR DAY TELETHON
AND THERE WAS AN INTERVIEW AND
HE SAID I'M NOT INVOLVED IN
POLITICS, I'M REALLY NOT A
POLITICAL PERSON.
I REALLY DON'T CARE WHO THE NEXT
PERSON WILL BE.
HOWEVER, HE SAID, HE IS VERY
INTERESTED TO SEE WHO THE NEXT
FIRST LADY WILL BE!
[LAUGHTER]
LADY!
HOW WAS THAT?
I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT
ALL DAY?
I WAS VERY NERVOUS AND AFRAID I
WAS GOING TO SCREW THAT UP.
>> Paul: THAT'S A LADY OF
PRESSURE.
>> Dave: HE WAS VERY CONCERNED
[LAUGHTEiOH, BOY, WE GOT ONE HE.
GET READY.
GET READY FOR REAL FUN YEAR.
YOU KNOW SINCE CLINTON'S
SURGERY, AMERICANS HAVE BEEN
LINING UP FOR HEART CHECKUPS.
BECAUSE OF BILL CLINTON,
AMERICANS ARE LINING UP FOR
HEART CHECKUPS.
I WAS THINKING, CLINTON HAS
ALWAYS HAD THAT EFFECT ON
PEOPLE.
BECAUSE DURING HIS IMPEACHMENT,
AMERICANS WERE LINING UP FOR
ORAL SEX.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?
WHAT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Dave: THE FIRST LADY!
THE FIRST LADY!
PAUL AND I HAVE BEEN IN
TELEVISION FOR A LONG TIME.
I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN ACTUALLY
SAY AMERICANS WERE LINING UP FOR
ORAL SEX.
CAN YOU SAY THAT?
>> Paul: YOU JUST DID.
>> Dave: CAN WE SAY THAT?
THAT'S ALL RIGHT?
>> I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT.Dave:L
RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Paul: A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE
FROM YOUR PRODUCER.
>> Dave: LET ME TELL YOU WHO
IS ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT.
A FANTASTIC ENTERTAINER, A
WONDERFUL ACTOR, A GREAT COMEDIC
TALENT, HE HAS BEEN IN THE
BUSINESS FOR MANY, MANY YEARS,
AND HE IS A GREAT MONARCHS GREAT
HUMANITARIAN, AND HE IS A FRIEND
OF PAUL'S, A FRIEND OF THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW HIM, YOU LOVE HIM, YOU
CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM, MARTIN
SHORT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
MARTIN SHORT.
[APPLAUSE]
FOR EXAMPLE, WOULD DAN RATHER ON
THE NIGHTLY NEWS OR EVENING NEWS
OR CBS -- WHAT DO THEY CALL
THAT?
WOULD HE DO A STORY ABOUT
AMERICANS LINING UP FOR ORAL
SEX?
THIS JUST IN...
[LAUGHTER]
ALSO A GREAT MUSIC TALENT, ALAN
JACKSON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ALAN JACKSON.
>> Paul: THE GENUINE ARTICLE.
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING THAT.
>> Dave: I WANT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT -- THIS MAN IS
ENORMOUS IN NOT ONLY COUNTRY
MUSIC BUT MUSIC IN LARGE.
BECAUSE IF IT WERE NOT FOR THIS
MAN, EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD BE
JUST WASN'T EVEN
READY.
>> Dave: SHE WASN'T EVEN ON
THE COURT.
I HAVE JUST BEEN HAND ADD NOTE
FROM THE PRODUCER, ACCORDING TO
THE CBS SENSORS "ORAL SEX" IS
FINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Dave: THEY SAY IT'S FINE.
>> Paul: ACCORDING TO
PRESIDENT CLINTON, IT'S NOT EVEN
ACTUALLY SEX.
>> Dave: NOW, WE HAD OUR GOOD
FRIEND REGIS FILL BURN ON THE
SHOW LAST NIGHT AND I'M REALLY
EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
IN REGIS'S LONG CAREER, HE HAS
HAD -- I THINK THIS IS O HIS
SECOND RECORD ALBUM, HIS SECOND
CD.
THIS ONE IS CALLED "HEY, LOOK,
IT'S REGIS".
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
>> REGIS FILL BURN WHEN YOU'RES.
WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO PLAY
INFORM OF IT LAST NIGHT SO WE'RE
GOING TO PLAY A CUT TONIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE WILL BE
LISTENING TO?
>> "YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG."
>> THIS IS FROM THE NEW REGISFI.
TAKE IT AWAY ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL
SO YOUNG, LIKE SPRING IS
SPRUNG ♪
♪ EVERY TIME I SEE YOU GRIN I'M
SUCH A HAPPY INDIVIDUAL ♪ EVERY
TIME YOU SPEAK, I WANT TO PLAY
HIDE-AND-SEEK ♪♪
FROM HURRICANE JUST A COUPLE OF
FRANCES.
>> Paul: THIS WOULD BE THE
EFFECTS.
>> Dave: WE'RE ANSWERING
VIEWER MAIL LETTERS.
LETTER NUMBER ONE SAYS, DEAR
DAVE -- YOU KNOW WE HAD A GUY IN
THE AUDIENCE -- LADY!
-- WE HAD A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE
ASK ABOUT RUPERT G AND HOW
TIMELY.
WHAT DOES RUPERT JEE DO.
IS RUPERT IN THE STORE?
HEY, RUPERT.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
A LOT OF FOLKS ARE ASKING ABOUT
YOU.
>> THANKS.Dave: YOU HAD BETTER K
UP ON BOTTLED WATER.
THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
THEY'RE CRAZY FOR THAT BOTTLED
WATER.
>> OK.Dave: WHAT IS THE MARKUP N
A BOTTLE OF WATER.
YOU PAY LIKE A NICKEL FOR IT AND
CHARGE $8?
>> A $1.25.Dave: TELL US WHAT YE
DOING WHEN YOU'RE NOT WORKING.
I DON'T WANT TO NOSEY BUT WHAT
DO YOU LIKE TO DO.
>> I GO OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
>> I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERESEE.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HER?D.
>> SHE'S KIND OF SHY BUT I CANI.
DAVE, MEET CINDY.
>> HELLO.ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL, D?
>> Dave: SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
EASY RUBEERT, WATCH IT!
>> MM-MMM.SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'P
MYSELF.
>> Dave: THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S RUPERT AND CINDY.
[LAUGHTER]T THAT GIVE YOU KIND A
SICK FEELING?
LETTER NUMBER TWO, DEAR DAVE,
EVER DO ANY SINGING?
ROBERT BERARDI, HOWELL, NEW
JERSEY.
THAT'S KIND OF FUNNY BECAUSE WE
JUST PLAYED THE ALBUM.
DO I EVER DO ANY SINGING?
DO I EVER DO ANY SINGING?
CAN I HAVE THE -- [BAND PLAYING
MUSIC] NO, NO, I NEVER DO.
[LAUGHTER]
I NEVER DO.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I WONDER WHO WILL BE FIRST LADY.
OK, LETTER NUMBER FOUR.
IS THAT WHERE WE ARE, LETTER
NUMBER 4?
DEAR DAVE, IF YOU COULD CHOOSE
ANYONE TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, WHO WOULD YOU
CHOOSE AND WHY?
EVAN JOHNSON IN NEW JERSEY.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO,
SINCE PRESIDENT CLINTON IS
RECOVERING FROM THE HEART
SURGERY AND I PERSONALLY KNOW
HOW DIFFICULT THAT CAN BE.
LET'S DON'T ENGAGE IN PARTISAN
POLITICS.
ACTUALLY WHAT WE NEED NOW, LET'S
GET US AN UPDATE ON FORMER
PRESIDENT CLINTON'S CONDITION
FROM OUR VERY OWN ALAN CAUSEY.
DO YOU HAVE AN UPDATE?
>> Alan: I DO, DAVE.
>> Dave: GO AHEAD.
>> Alan: AFTER RECEIVING A
QUADRUPLE BYPASS ON MONDAY,
PRESIDENT CLINTON IS RECOVERING
NICELY.
HE HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS BEING
ALERT AND HE BEGAN SIPPING
LIQUIDS TODAY MUCH HIS WIFE,
SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON HAS BEEN
BY HIS SIDE THROUGHOUT THIS
WHOLE ORDEAL AND IT IS TO HER I
WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE
FOLLOWING REMARKS.
HEY, HILLARY GIRL.
I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN A TOUGH
WEEK FOR YOU, WHAT WITH THE
BUBBA OUT OF COMMISSION.
HOW ABOUT GIVING ME A CALL TO
SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT FOR A
FULL-BODYWORKOVER.
YOUR WORRIES WILL MELT AWAY ONCE
YOU RECEIVE A TRANSFUSION OF
3 PINTS OF GENUINE BIG RED.
[LAUGHTER]
BLOOD TYPE: HOT.
BEFORE LONG YOUR OWN HEART WILL
BE PUMPING FURIOUSLY AS YOU FIND
IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BYPASS MY
SWEATY, PASSION-CLOGGED LOVE
ARTERY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU WILL GASP WITH DELIGHT AS I
INJECT YOU WITH 500CC's OF
INVITE MINUTE...
>> Dave: ALAN, ARE YOU SURE
YOU SHOULD BE SAYING THINGS LIKE
THAT?
>> Alan: I'M FINE.
I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND.
WHAT'S THE HARM?
>> Dave: OH, MY GOSH!
OH!
[LAUGHTER]
>> Dave: YOU ALL RIGHT, ALAN?
THIS
ANYTHING?"?
OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE
OF THE FUNNIEST MEN ON THE
PLANET.
LIST LATEST FLICK PREMIERES AT
THE TORONTO FILM FESTIVAL.
HERE HE IS, MARTIN SHORT,
EVERYBODY.
[APPLAUSE]
>> THANKS FOR REMEMBERING.THAT .
>> IT'S MAGIC, ISN'T IT?
>> IT IS.ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SIS
GOING "APPLAUSE".
>> Dave: IT'S YOU, MY FRIEND.
>> FIRST, I HAVE BEEN HERE FORT.
>> Dave: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
YOU'RE DOING THE STAGE STUFF.
>> DOING THE STAGE STUFF ANDJUS.
>> Dave: NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> BUT I'M TELLING YOU, I HAVEBS
ALMOST.
>> Dave: TWO YEARS.
>> NOW IT'S OFFICIALLY GETTINGS.
BECAUSE YOU ARE TIMELESSLY
YOUTHFUL LOOKING NOW.
YOU ARE.
>> Dave: NO, I'M NOT.
I'M SCARY LOOKING.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> HAVE YOU HAD YOUR SKINRESURF?
>> Dave: I HAVEN'T HAD IT
RESURFACED?
>> IT'S JUST SO CLEAN CUTLOOKIN.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> YOU HAVE HAD A TATTOOREMOVEDS
WITH THE UNICORNS MATING, THAT
ONE?
>> Dave: NO, I STILL HAVE THAT
ONE.
>> UP CLOSE -- I DON'T KNOWABOUK
SO BOYISH, YOU COULD BE DATING
JIM MCGREEVEY.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Dave: WELL, THAT'S AMAZING.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FEEL ITB.
>> THANK YOU.
>> CONGRATULATIONS ON YOURANNIV.
>> Dave: OH, THE 11TH, THAT'S
RIGHT.
11 YEARS.
>> AND BY THE WAY, IT SEEMS LIK.
YOU'RE GOING TO ECLIPSE ALAN AT
THIS POINT.
>> Dave: HOW ARE YOU?
BRING US UP TO DATE?
YOU'RE CANADIAN.
YOU AND PAUL ARE BOTH CANADIAN.
>> YES, PAUL IS FROM SOUTHERNBAM
SUNDAYER BAY AND I SWUNG FROM
ONTARIO, CANADA.
>> Dave: WE'RE RIGHT IN THE
THICK OF OUR AMERICAN
PRESIDENTIAL RACE, AND THE
CANADIANS, DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY
INTEREST IN THAT?
>> NO, NOT REALLY.[LAUGHTER]
WE DO.
IN CANADA, I WAS MORE OF A
POLITICAL, YOU KNOW, SATIRIST.
>> I REMEMBER THAT.
>> I WAS LIKE MARK RUSSELL.I HAE
DEFICITS, OH, THE DEFICITS" YOU
KNOW.
DOING THE SEPARATIST RAG.
THOSE THINGS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Dave: MUST HAVE BEEN HUGE
IN CANADA.
>> OH, VERY BIG.I LOOK AT BOTH D
I -- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GET THE
VOICES RIGHT.
I CAN'T IMPERSONATE THEM FOR
EXAMPLE.
BUSH, IN MY MIND, WHEN I TRY TO
DO HIM, IT COMES OFF LIKE SAMMY
DAVIS JUNIOR.
>> Dave: REALLY?
I WOULDN'T THINK THERE WOULD BE
ANY SIMILARITY THERE.
>> THERE REALLY IS.WHEN YOU SEEF
THE UNION ADDRESS WHERE AT ONE
POINT HE DOES SAMMY AND HE OFTEN
DOES SAMMY.
HE WILL SAY THINGS LIKE, TRY
TRIED TO BUY THE -- THE SAUDI
ARABIANS TRY TO BUY URANIUM FROM
AFRICA.
HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?
>> Dave: YEAH, NOW THAT YOU
MENTION IT.
>> THEN YOU CAN ALMOST TAKEIT -Y
URANIUM FROM AFRICA.
♪ THE CANDYMAN CAN ♪♪
>> Dave: YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS
SO.
>> THINK ABOUT IT, DAVE.NOW, WHE
FOR?
>> YOU KNOW, I CAN'T CARE WHOTH.
I'M MORE CONCERNED WITH WHO THE
FIRST LADY WILL BE.
THAT'S A RIL SOMETHING FOR YOU.
>> I SEE.Dave: NOW, YOU -- I THK
OF YOU AS A MAN-ABOUT-TOWN,
MR. FIRST NIGHTER, MR. I'M THE
SOCIAL GOOD FLY, I'M HERE AND
THERE.
>> I LIKE TO SWING, I DO.THAT'SG
THIS SHOW.
BECAUSE I KEEP THE CAR --
THANKS.
>> Dave: DO YOU RUN INTO
IMPORTANT PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE OUT
AT PARTIES AND GATHERINGS AND
PARTIES AND SUCH?
>> I HAVE SWUNG WITH DIFFERENTP,
YOU KNOW.
NOT LONG BEFORE HER DEATH, A
COUPLE OF YEARS, BUT STEVE
MARTIN AND I HAD DINNER IN
LONDON WITH PRINCESS MARGARET.
YOU KNOW, PRINCESS MARGARET OF
ENGLAND.
SHE IS THE QUEEN'S LATE SISTER.
AND I DON'T KNOW.
I KNOW YOU LOVE COMEDY.
I KNOW YOU LOVE THE HISTORY OF
JACK BENNY AND STUFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE READ
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW.
>> Dave: I APPRECIATE THE
UPDATE.
>> SO QUEEN ELIZABETH --
>> THIS IS A STORY ABOUT QUEENEW
DEAD.
>> HENCE THE ABILITY TO TELL TH.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
I WAS IN LONDON DOING A MOVIE
AND STEVE MARTIN WAS IN TOWN.
HE SAID, WE HAVE THIS MUTUAL
FRIEND WHO KNEW PRINCESS
MARGARET AND WAS GOING TO HAVE
DINNER WITH PRINCESS MARGARET
AND DID WE WANT TO COME ALONG.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULDN'T
SAY, YES, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO
COME ALONG.
AND IT WAS A SUSHI RESTAURANT.
AND WE'RE SITTING A THE SUSHI
BAR ASK WE GOT THERE AND THEY
SEATED ME BESIDE PRINCESS
MARGARET, AND SHE WAS CHAIN
SMOKING AT THAT POINT AND SHE
HAD ABOUT 7 HIGHBALLS AND HAD
SWITCHED TO SAKI.
AND SHE WAS SITTING AND SHE WAS
VERY EXUBERANT AND SAID TO ME AT
ONE POINT, YOU REMEMBER ME OF A
LAWN CUTTING BOY.
[LAUGHTER]
I SAID -- WELL, YEAH.
AND SHE WENT OF WENT GRR -- ONE
OF THOSE THINGS HAPPENED.
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE
CONVERSATION.
AND I SAID, HOW IS THE QUEEN,
YOU KNOW?
SHE SAID, WHO ARE YOU REFERRING
TO, MY MOTHER, MY SISTER, OR MY
HUSBAND?
SO SHE HAD MATERIAL.
SHE HAD MATERIAL.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT AT ONE POINT, IT'S TRUE, IN
FACT, SHE WAS HAVING A LOT OF
SAKI, AND THE GUY KEPT FILLING
IT UP, AS THEY DO IN SUSHI
RESTAURANTS AND WE WERE ALL
DRINKING.
THEY WERE FILLING UP MY GLASS,
TOO.
AT ONE POINT SHE KEPT TALKING
AND GOT VERY ANIMATED AND SHE --
AND STEVE MARTIN AND I HAD A
VIDEO CAMERA AND HE PICKED IT UP
AND AT ONE POINT YOU COULD HEAR
HIM SAY, "OH, MY GOD, EVEN THE
AUTO FOCUS IS DRINK".
ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT AT ONE POINT SHE GETS
THROUGH AND SHE SAID, IN THE
PALACE THEIR' VERY STRICT -- AND
SHWAS NOT ALONE.
AND SHE TOOK A CLOTH -- THERE
WAS A CLOTH -- DO YOU HAVE A
KLEENEX?
HERE, I HAVE A CLOTH.
SHE TOOK A CLOTH AND WENT LIKE
THIS AND SHE TOOK THE COLD CLOTH
AND PUT IT ON HER FACE AND SHE
KEPT TALKING LIKE THIS AND SAID,
"THEY WOULDN'T LET ME AND THEY
WERE RESTRICTIVE IN WHO I COULD
MARRY".
I WAS WATCHING AND THE SECRET
SERVICE WAS WATCHING TOO.
SHE PUT IT DOWN AND THE WAITER
COMES AND SWITCHES THE CLOTH
WITH A HOT CLOTH.
AND SHE SAID WHAT WAS I TO DO
AND I -- AHHH!
SHE DID THAT.
>>GHTER]
THE LATE PRINCESS MARGARET.
>> BY THE WAY, I CAN'T BELIEVES.
>> Dave: WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK
WI
[MUSIC PLAYING]
>> Dave: MARTIN SHORT IS HERE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ALSO ALAN JACKSON.
NOW, TELL ME IF I'M RIGHT ABOUT
THIS, PEOPLE WERE TELLING ME
THAT THERE'S A ONE-MAN-SHOW
STARRING YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE
BRINGING TO BROADWAY.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> FIRST OF ALL, WE CALL ITBROA.
>> Dave: WHAT DID I SAY?
>> IF YOU'RE KIND OF -- LOOK TH.
THEN YOU SAY "BROADWAY".
BUT IF YOU'RE IN THE THEATER
DISTRICT, YOU SAY "BROADWAY".
JUST IMAGINE YOURSELF GOING
"BROADWAY" UP.
>> Dave: BROADWAY.
>> YES, I AM.
>> THANKS FOR THE TIP.
>> THAT'S TWO THINGS NOW,ENGLANH
ENGLAND --
[LAUGHTER]
YES, I'M GOING TO COME TO
NEW YORK IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN
THE FALL OF ONE YEAR FROM TODAY
CALLED "IF I HAD SAVED, I
WOULDN'T BE HERE" IT'S CALLED.
WE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THE
TITLE.
THERE'S A SERIES OF TITLES.
ONE IS STROKE ME LADY SEASON.
"IT'S BENIGN".
WE HAVE GONE AGAIN THAT.
"LET FREEDOM HUM" DIDN'T MAKE
IT.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE "SONNY
VON BULET UNPLUGGED".
>> AND THIS IS AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL?
>> IT'S SONG AND DANCE.I WOULD E
OPENING NIGHT.
>> Dave: YOU KNOW I WILL BE.
PAUL AND I WILL BE THERE OPENING
NIGHT.
>> HERE IS WHAT I BELIEVE IN MY.
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK I WILL GET A BEAUTIFUL
CANDY GRAM FROM YOU BUT I'M NOT
CONVINCED YOU WILL BE THERE.
>> Dave: PAUL?
STBLPS I WILL BE THERE.
>> Dave: LET ME GO WITH YOU.
THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME TO GET
OUT STBLPS I THINK SO, TOO.
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT, WE WILL BE
THERE.
>> IT WILL BE FILLED WITHCELEBRT
FIT IN PERFECTLY BECAUSE I KNOW
HOW YOU LIKE TO MINGLE WITH THE
OTHER PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Dave: NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE JIMINY CLICK MOVIE.
>> JIMINY CLICK IN LA-LAWOOD.
>> YOU'RE DONE AND THE RUN ATCO?
>> WE'RE FINISH AT COMEDYCENTRAM
FESTIVAL AND IT'S A LOVELY EVENT
THEY WILL THROW FOR A FEW
THOUSAND PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE.
IT'S A VERY ODD THING, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE THESE THINGS I DON'T
LIKE.
I LIKE TO TALK AND MAKE FUN OF
CELEBRITIES, PARTICULARLY IF
THEY'RE NO LONGER LIVING, THAT'S
EVEN BETTER.
BUT WHENEVER I MEET, EVEN AT
THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE,
CELEBRITIES, THEY DON'T KNOW ME
OR CARE.
I SWEAR TO GOD I WENT UP TO AL
PACINO TWO YEARS AGO AT THE
GOLDEN GLOBES AND I SAID
MR. PACINO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
I'M THE BIGGEST FAN OF YOURS AND
YOUR WORK IS FANTASTIC.
HE SAID THANKS VERY MUCH.
I ORDERED A STOLIE ABOUT 25
MINUTES AGO.
CAN YOU CHECK UP ON THAT?
HE HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS.
>> Dave: THAT'S A LITTLE
DISCOURAGING.
WOHHH!
HE SAID.
HE WAS INTENSE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Dave: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE
PLIM A LITTLE MORE.
WHO ELSE IS IN THE FILM.
>> JAN HOOKS, STEVE MARTIN.JAN H
PERKINS.
IT TAKES PLACE AT THE FILM
FESTIVAL AND I HAVE TWO ROLES,
JIMINY CLICK AND THE DIRECTOR
DAVID LYNCH.
SO AGAIN, COURTING THE MASSES.
>> Dave: DO YOU EVER -- WHEN I
SEE YOU DO THAT CHARACTER, IT
REMINDS ME A LITTLE OF MERV
GRIFFIN S THERE A LITTLE MERV
GRIFFIN IN THIS CHARACTER.
>> WELL, WHEN MERV -- OHH, MMM,F
A NEIGHBOR I HAD ONCE.
AND ALSO I THINK JOHN ASHCROFT.
BUT IT GOES BACK TO THE THING --
I ONCE HEARD JOHN ASHCROFT ON A
CELL PHONE, I MEAN IN AN
AIRPORT.
HE SAID OH, MY GOD I'M SO
CONCERNED ABOUT NATIONAL
SECURITY.
AND HE HAS THIS -- HE LEVELS IT
OUT, THE SAME WAY YOU WOULDN'T
THINK HE WAS A SINGER.
WHAT'S THAT SONG?
>> Dave: LET EAGLES SOAR.
>> ♪ LET EAGLES SOAR ♪♪I WASN'T.
>> Dave: WHEN WE COME BACK I
HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO DO A LITTLE
NUMBER FOR US.
DO YOU MIND?
A LITTLE SOMETHING?
>> I MEAN, I WASN'T PREPARED.I D
LIKE ME TOO.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Dave: I THINK SO.
>> THEN I WILL.DAMMIT, I
[APPLAUSE]
>> Dave: MARTIN SHORT.
HOW IS THE FAMILY?
IS THE FAMILY WELL?
>> JUST SENT MY SON TO NOTREDAM.
MY DAUGHTER IS AT NYU.
MY SON HENRY IS AT HOME.
>> Dave: YOU HAVE THREE KIDS?
ONE AT HOME --
>> I WANT TO DO THE NUMBER.Dave.
>> WHAT?NOW, YOU KNOW, LET ME JY
THIS, DAVE.
THAT I LOVE EVERY ASPECT OF SHOW
BUSINESS.
HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT?
>> Dave: NO.
EVERY ASPECT?
>> WELL, THERE'S ONE I DON'TLIK.
BUT I OFTEN THINK, LET ME SING
THIS RIGHT TO YOU.
>> Dave: NO, PLEASE DON'T.
PLEASE DON'T.
YOU GO OVER THRSM THERE'S PLENTY
OF ROOM OVER THERE.
>> IT WOULD BE COZY THERE.Dave:E
BETTER FOR EVERYONE OVER THERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW IN MY BUSINESS, OR IN
OUR BUSINESS, WHEN A TIME OF
YEAR COMES AROUND LIKE
ELECTIONS, OH, BOY, WHAT IS
GOING ON WITH THESE ELECTIONS?
EVERYONE IS MAD AT EACH OTHER?
AND THIS IS MY TIME -- I LOVE
PERFORMING ON TELEVISION.
BUT I LOVE TO PERFORM LIVE, AS
YOU KNOW.
TO ME THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN INSTANT GRATIFY
INDICATION THAT YOU GET FROM A
LIVE AUDIENCE AND HIGH-GRADE
PHARMACEUTICAL MORPHINE IS THAT
MORPHINE DOESN'T JUDGE.
[LAUGHTER]
SO I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY WHILE I'M ON
TELEVISION, PAUL, AND WHILE I AM
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE TO TELL
SOMETHING THAT IS IN MY HEART,
OK?
IT'S GOING TO COME OUT OF MY
HEART AND INTO YOUR EARS AND
THEN YOU CAN DO WITH IT WHAT YOU
WANT.
BECAUSE THE PARTIES HAVE GOT TO
GET TOGETHER.
AND SO THIS IS MY TRIBUTE -- AND
BY THE WAY I CALLED MY OWN BUDDY
IN CRIME MARVIN HAMLISH AND HE
WASN'T INTERESTED IN WRITING IT
SO SOMEBODY ON THE STAFF WROTE
IT.
SO I'M GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU
DAVE.
AND WISH ME LUCK.
♪ REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS ARE
SO POLITICAL ♪
♪ WORRYING ABOUT THE BIG
ELECTION DAY [SINGING TO THE
TUNE OF "ON THE RADIO] ♪ INSTEAD
OF GETTING BUSY BOTH PARTIES
SHOULD GET PHYSICAL AND FORGET
ABOUT NOVEMBER, PARTY WITH THE
MEMBERS IN THE VOTING BOOTH ♪
♪ YOU CAN PULL MY LEVER, TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF MY 527 ♪
♪ YOU'RE BIPARTISAN ♪
♪ OR IS THAT JUST A RUMOR ♪♪
♪ MAKE ME MOAN AND GROWN LIKE A
BUSH IN JUNE ♪♪
♪ THE VOTERS ON THE RIGHT AND
LEFT CAN PLAY BALL TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE PUT OUR PANTS ON ONE LEG AT
A TIME ♪
♪ SO LET'S UNITE, ALL OF US, AND
TAKE OUR PANTS OFF ALL
TOGETHER ♪
♪ SHALL WE GO BACK TO YOUR
POLLING PLACE OR MINE ? ♪
♪ OH, WHY MUST I CHOOSE TO MARK
MY CARCASS, COME OUT AND LEAVE
ME ? ♪
♪ I DON'T APPRECIATE THE
KNICKSING REPORT ♪
♪ SO WHAT IF I'M A VOTER WHO
GOES FOR THOSE LIKE JIM MCGRIEF
A ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
TELL ME STUFF IT IN THE VOTING
BOOTH ♪
♪ YOU CAN FLIP MY SWITCH BY THE
BALLOT BOX ♪ I CAN SCRATCH YOUR
ITCH ♪
♪ LET'S JUST KEEP GOING ON IN
THE VOTING BOOTH ♪♪
WHERE ARE THE [BLEEP] BALLOONS?
♪♪ IN THE VOTING BOOTH ♪♪
>> Dave: MARTIN SHORT, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, AND THE
BIPARTISAN DANCERS.
TAKE A BOW, MARTIN.
GIRLS COME ON OUT.
A LOVELY SHOT.
NICE GOING.
THANK YOU.
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK,
EVERYBODY, WITH ALAN JACKSON.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OUR NEXT GUEST -- LISTEN TO
THIS -- OUR NEXT GUEST RECEIVED
7 COUNTRY MUSIC AWARD
NOMINATIONS.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS
TALKING ABOUT TONIGHT, PAUL.
ALAN JACKSON AND I MET YEARS AGO
AT THE RODEO.
WE WERE BOTH IN THE BRONCO
RIDING COMPETITION.
YOU WERE JUST BREAKING YOUR
COLOR BONE, AS I RECALL.
THE 7 NOMINATIONS MORE THAN
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>> Dave: IF I HAD THAT ALAN
JACKSON'S VOICE, EVERYBODY COULD
JUST KISS MY ASS.
A FEW YEARS AGO, WE WERE
HITCHHIKING AND HAD NO MONEY AND
WE HAD TO GO IN THE RODEO AND
SAID WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HE ENDED UP BREAKING HIS COLLAR
BONE AND I FINISHED FOURTH.
MY THANKS TO ALAN JACKSON AND