レイトショー・ウィズ・デイヴィッド・レターマン 5/2005 (Late Show with David Letterman 5/2005)

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TO PLAY KNOW YOUR CURRENT
EVENTS.
WHENEVER WE PLAY, THERE ARE SIX
BIG WAYS... BY THE WAY, YOU
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY?
>> SURE.
>> Dave: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
>> STEPHANIE.
>> Dave: WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> ORIENT.
>> Dave: WHERE ARE YOUR TWO
GIRLS?
>> AT HOME.
>> Dave: WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
>> CALLIE AND ALEXA.
>> Dave: HOW OLD ARE THEY?
>> THREE AND SIX.
>> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING
UP THIS LATE?
YOU SAID YOUR NAME WAS LINDA?
>> STEPHANIE.
LFTD CLOSE.
>> Dave: HAVING A GOOD TIME IN
NEW YORK CITY?
>> GREAT TIME.
>> Dave: YOU'RE HERE WITH YOUR
HUSBAND?
>> YES.
>> Dave: STOOD-- TOO BAD.
OF COURSE I'M JUST KIDDING.
NOW WHENEVER WE PLAY, THERE ARE
SIX BIG WAYS TO PLAY.
KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS, KNOW
YOUR CUTS OF MEAT, KNOW YOUR
AMERICAN IDOL SCANDAL, KNOW YOUR
GIANT PINATA AND KNOW YOUR
KENTUCKY.
OUT ON 53rd STREET RIGHT NOW, WE
HAVE A 500 POUND PINATA.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
( APPLAUSE )
BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?
>> Dave: AT SOME POINT TONIGHT,
IT WILL BE SMASHED WIDE OPEN, IT
IS FULL OF CANDY, SMASHED WIDE
OPEN BY A NEW YORK CITY BUS
TRAVELING AT HIGH SPEED.
THREAT IS RIGHT THERE.
THERE IT IS RIGHT THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE GREAT PART ABOUT THIS
SHOW.
WHAT DID YOU PAY TO GET IN?
NOTHING, AND LOOK WHAT YOU GET.
A TREMENDOUS ENTERTAINMENT VALUE
ISN'T IT?
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: BACK TO KNOW YOUR
CURRENT EVENTS.
WHICH ONE WOULD YOU LIKE?
WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME?
>> BRENT.
>> Dave: WHY DON'T YOU TALK IT
OVER AND PICK A CATEGORY., SEAT2
PEOPLE.
SO WITH THAT IN MIND, LET'S PLAY
KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS.
YOU LOOK LOVELY BY THE WAY.
>> THANK YOU, SO DO YOU.
>> Dave: HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND
DARREN BEEN MARRIED?
( LAUGHTER )
>> BRENT.
>> Dave: I SEE.
>> EIGHT YEARS.
>> Dave: GOOD.
THIS IS A REAL SUCCESS STORY FOR
YOU.
YOU'RE DOWN HERE FOR A FUN
WEEKEND?
>> JUST CAME TO SEE YOU.
>> Dave: OOHH.
WELL MAYBE SOME DAY I CAN COME
UP TO CANADA JUST TO SEE YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET SERIOUS NOW.
OF THE 800 POUNDS
THINK ABOUT IT.
TALK IT OVER WITH BRENT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> 500 POUNDS.
>> Dave: EXACTLY RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS. IS LEFT,
15-POUND HAMBURGER, CURRENT
EVENTS, CUTS OF MEAT, THINK IT
OVER.
ARE YOU HERE BY YOURSELF OR WITH
OTHERS.
>> Dave: NICE TO SEE YOU.
TALK IT OVER WITH KIMBERLY.
SO MANY AMERICAN HUSBANDS AND
WIVES DON'T REALLY COMMUNICATE.
I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
>> AMERICAN IDOL SCANDALS.
♪ KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW
YOUR AMERICAN IDOL SCANDALS ♪
>> Dave: YOU WATCH THAT AMERICAN
IDOL SHOW?
HOW MANY FOLKS WATCH THAT
AMERICAN IDOL SHOW?
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S TURNED OUT IT'S AMERICA'S
MOST POPULAR TELEVISION SHOW AND
SCANDAL RIDDEN.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT?
THAT THE CONTESTANTS ARE HAVING
SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH THE JUDGES.
>> Audience: OOOH.
>> Paul: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT.
>> Dave: APPARENTLY NOTHING.
THE AUDIENCE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
ABOUT THAT.
>> Paul: REALLY.
>> Dave: HERE WE GO, ACCORDING
TO HIS ALABAMA ARREST WARRANT
FOR COCAINE POSSESSION, WHAT IS
CURRENT AMERICAN IDOL
CONTESTANT'S BO BICE'S REAL
FIRST NAME?
THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.
>> HAROLD. WINTER AND
WORK THROUGH THE SPRING.
WE ARE JUST COMING TO THE END OF
THE SECOND SEMESTER OF INTERNS.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO
GET SOME OF THE INTERNS OUT HERE
AND PUT A FACE WITH A NAME AND
TELL YOU WHAT THEY DO.
THEY'LL DESCRIBE FOR YOU A
MEMORABLE MOMENT FROM THEIR
EXPERIENCE AT THE LATE SHOW.
>> Paul: THAT WOULD BE NICE.
>> Dave: WE ARE GOING TO DO THAT
TONIGHT.
SAY HELLO TO A VERY NICE YOUNG
MAN, PRODUCTION INTERN, FRANK
MACELROY.
( APPLAUSE )
THERE HE IS.
HEY, FRANK.
>> ON MY VERY FIRST DAY I
ACCIDENTALLY BUMPED INTO DAVE IN
THE HALLWAY.
HE SAID WATCH IT ( bleep )!
>> Dave: THANK YOU, FRANK.
NICE JOB.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER MEETING
HIM.
>> Paul: NICE STORY, THOUGH.
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
FOLKS... A WEEK AGO TONIGHT, HOW
TIME FLIES, GEORGE W. BUSH HAD A
PRIME TIME PRESS CONFERENCE.
THIS IS A MAJOR EVENT BECAUSE HE
DOESN'T REALLY GO BEFORE THE
PRESS IN AN OFFICIAL CAPACITY
TOO OFTEN.
BUT THIS WAS A PRIME TIME EVENT.
SO WE SCRUTINIZED IT AND TAPED
IT AND PULLED OUT WHAT WE
THOUGHT WAS FASCINATING FROM THE
GEORGE BUSH PRESS CONFERENCE A
WEEK AGO.
WE THOUGHT THIS WAS PARTICULARLY
INTERESTING.
TYKE A LOOK.
♪.
>> THE SYSTEM FOR TOO LONG HAD
JUST SHUFFLED CHEN THROUGH.
AND JUST HOPED FOR THE BEST.
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?
PEOPLE GRADUATED FROM HIGH
SCHOOL WHO ARE
>> Dave: BRERT TO COME 13 NOW.
HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE
NOW.
HERE WE GO, FOLKS, TURN ON THE
BIG CBS SATELLITE.
WE ARE GOING LIVE TO THE
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.
SAY HELLO TO MY MOM, EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE )
HI, MOM, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> HI, DAVID.
I'M FINE.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Dave: FINE.
HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO AND HAPPY
EARLY MOTHER'S DAY.
HOW ARE THINGS GOING IN YOUR
LIFE?
>> EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL.
>> Dave: YOU WERE VISITING LAST
WEEK AND YOU CAME TO SEE ONE OF
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
RUN DOWN THE LIST OF
GRANDCHILDREN RIGHT NOW.
>> THERE ARE FIVE.
THERE'S BRIN AND BILL.
>> Dave: RIGHT.
>> AND ANN AND GRACE.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> AND HARRY.
>> Dave: HARRY WAS MY SON AND
YOU WERE TELLING ME THAT OF THE
FIVE, HARRY IS ACTUALLY YOUR
FAVORITE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MOM.
>> I DID NOT SAY THAT, DAVID.
I DIDN'T HAVE A FAVORITE.
>> Dave: DIDN'T YOU SAY SOME OF
THE OTHER KIDS ACTUALLY RUBBED
YOU THE WRONG WAY?
>> NO, DAVE.
>> Paul: YOU'RE MEAN.
DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR MOTHER.
>> Dave: LISTEN, MOM.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU, GLAD YOU
COULD HELP US OUT ON OUR
PRE-MOTHER'S DAY GALA.
YOU ARE GOING TO BE DOING
TONIGHT'S TOP TEN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Dave: HOW ARE THE PACERS
DOING THEY'RE UP THREE GAMES IN
THEY COULD FINISH IT OFF
TONIGHT.
>> THEY COULD FINISH IT.
>> Dave: ARE THEY PLAYING AT THE
CANSECO FIELD HOUSE TONIGHT?
>> YES, THEY'RE PLAYING HERE.
>> Dave: IF YOU GET A CHANCE TO
SPEAK TO ANY OF THEM, PASS ON A
MESSAGE FROM ME.
YOU TELL THEM I SAID "GO
PACERS."
CAN YOU DO THAT, MOM?
>> I CAN DO THAT.
>> Dave: LET ME HEAR YOU SAY "GO
PACERS."
>> GO PACERS.
>> Dave: NICE JOB.
I DON'T THINK IT'S THE WORST
THING FOR A GRANDMOTHER TO HAVE
A FAVORITE GRANDSON OR DAUGHTER.
IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE, FOR
GOD'S SAKES.
SOME KIDS MAKE THE CUT AND SOME
DON'T.
IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE, ISN'T IT?
>> WELL, IF YOU'RE FORTUNATE,
ALL FIVE MAKE THE CUT.
>> Audience: AAAH.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: THE GREATY EQUIVOCAL
INDICATOR-- HIVE HERE WE GO.
THE CATEGORY IS LITTLE KNOWN
FACTS ABOUT ME.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
>> I'M READY.
>> Dave: I'LL READ THE NUMBERS,
YOU READ THE ENTRIES.
WHAT, HEY.
WELL, THE KID WAS...
HE'S STRAIGHT.
>> Dave: WHAT?
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHY I CAME IN
TODAY.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: YES, THANK YOU.
VERY PROUD OF IT.
>> Paul: A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW THAT.
>> Dave: SPEAKING OF HAIR, LOOK
AT THE HAIR ON THIS WOMAN.
ISN'T THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
HAIR YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
SHE HAS FANTASTIC HAIR.
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
>> Dave: WELL, THAT WASN'T THE
WHOLE STORY.
THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
( DRUMROLL )
>> Dave: HEY, HEY.
OUCH.
AND, THE LITTLE KNOWN NUMBER ONE
LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT ME,
MOM'S SON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ ♪
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MOM, WHAT DO YOU HAVE PLANNED
FOR MOTHER'S DAY?
>> WELL, THE NEIGHBORS ARE
COMING OVER AND I'M GOING TO EAT
MY WEIGHT IN CLAMS.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
WELL, ENJOY THAT, MOM.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
♪♪
( MUSICAL FLOURISH )
I NEVER REALIZED THAT'S WHAT WE
PLAY FOR HER.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHEN WE COME BACK, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE GIANT 800 POUND
PINATA SUSPENDED FROM A CRANE ON
53rd STREET AND WE'LL TURN A BUS
LOOSE INTO THE PINATA.
>> Paul: I'M STAYING UP FOR
THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: RIGHT NOW WE ARE GOING
OUT TO 53rd STREET.
LET ME GIVE YOU THE WEATHER
CONDITIONS BEFORE WE ACTUALLY DO
THIS:
BAROMETRIC PRESSURE IS FALLING.
I DON'T THINK THAT IS A FACTOR
TONIGHT.
VISIBILITY VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED.
THERE'S THE SUNRICE AND SUNSET.
HERE WE GO, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
THE 800 POUND PINATA.
AND WE HAVE THE CITY BUS.
ANY TIME YOU'RE READY, WE ARE
GOING TO CRASH IT RIGHT OPEN.
CUE THE BUS.
( DRUMROLL )
HERE WE GO.
( MUSICAL FLOURISH )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: I'M SURE MEXICANS THE
WORLD OVER ARE VERY PROUD AT
THIS MOMENT.
JUST MADE AN ENORMOUS MESS ON
THE STREET.
>> Paul: IT WAS WORTH EVERY
PENNY.
>> Dave: IT WAS WORTH NOTHING
WHAT IS THAT WAS WORTH.
LET'S LOOK AT IT IN SLOW MOTION
INSTANT REPLAY.
MAYBE IT WILL BE SOMETHING THIS
WAY.
THANK GOD THE DRIVER HAS A
HELMET BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE
CRASHING INTO A PINATA, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, SAFETY FIRST.
S IS
LOOK AT THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: IT'S NOT THAT UNUSUAL
FOR A NEW YORK CITY BUS.
DRIVER, EXCUSE ME, WHAT
HAPPENED?
I THINK WE HIT A GIANT PINATA.
SOME TERRIFIC ACTORS.
>> YEAH, THERE WERE....
>> Dave: CHRIS KRISTOFFERSON,
HARRY DEAN STAN TON, EVA MENDEZ
AND MY BROTHER OWEN IS IN IT, A
LOT OF GOOD, FUN PEOPLE.
>> Dave: HOW DID YOU GET ALONG
WITH THE DIRECTOR OR THE OLDER
ACTORS.
HOW OLD IS HARRY DEAN?
>> HARRY DEAN IS 78.
YOU GET TO A CERTAIN PLACE IN
YOUR LIFE AND YOU CAN'T REALLY
PICTURE YOURSELF YELLING AT A
78-YEAR-OLD MAN.
>> Dave: YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
>> YET THERE I WAS, HARRY DEAN
AND I YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
>> Dave: REALLY?
WHAT PROVOKED THIS?
>> WELL, THERE WAS THIS ONE SANE
WHERE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME
HIS WIFE'S WEDDING RING FOR ME
TO GIVE THE GIRL THAT I WAS IN
LOVE WITH IN THE MOVIE.
AND HARRY DEAN HAS BEEN, YOU
KNOW, IN 150 MOVIES AND BEEN IN
THE BUSINESS 50 YEARS BUT HE CAN
GET A LITTLE CANTANKEROUS.
HE STARTED SAYING TO ME, I'M NOT
JUST GOING TO FLICK MY DEAD
WIFE'S WEDDING RING IN THE AIR,
MAN.
I SAID YOU'RE NOT FLICKING IT IN
THE AIR.
YOU'RE GIVING TO IT ME.
IT'S A NICE MOMENT.
WE JUST WENT BACK AND FORTH AND
THEN I SAID LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF TIME HERE.
ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT OR NOT
AND HE SAID "I DON'T KNOW, MAN."
AT THAT POINT I JUST THOUGHT I
WOULD ACTUALLY TRY TO STARE HIM
INTO DOING IT.
I HAD THESE SCRIPT PANELS IN MY
HAND I WAS GOING TO RIP IN HALF,
BUT I HAD A LITTLE TOO MANY
PANELS SO I COULDN'T GET IT IN
HALF.
SO I THREW IT ON THE GROUND AND
KICKED THE CHAIR.
AS I'M GOING THROUGH THE HALLWAY
I HEARD HIM SAY "I SAID I'D DO
IT."
WHICH HE NEVER SAID, OF COURSE.
SO LATER THAT... HE KIND OF
AVOIDED ME FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
AND THEN HE SAUNTERED UP TO ME
AFTER LUNCH AND SAID, ALSO MY
MOTHER WAS WORKING ON THE FILM,
STILL PHOTOGRAPHER, JUST TAKING
PUBLICITY PICTURES AND HARRY
DEAN WALKED UP AND SAID, YOU
KNOW, I SPOKE TO YOUR MOTHER.
I TOLD HER THAT YOU SWORE AT ME
THIS MORNING.
( LAUGHTER )
AND SHE'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU.
>> Dave: HARRY DEAN RATED YOU
OUT.
>> AND SURE ENOUGH I GOT A
TALKING TO BY MY MOTHER LATER
THAT DAY.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE MORE KIND TO
HARRY DEAN.
AND ALSO THOSE GUYS, HARRY DEAN,
HE WOULD CLAIM THAT I WASN'T
FLEXIBLE AND I WOULDN'T LET HIM
CHANGE THE WORDS.
BUT THAT WASN'T TRUE.
HE WOULD GO UP TO ANDREW AND SAY
SHAKESPEARE HERE "REFERRING TO
ME" SAID HE WON'T LET ME SAY A
INSTEAD OF THE ANDREW SAID WHY
DON'T YOU JUST DO IT LIKE IT'S
WRITTEN.
WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME AND
HARRY DEAN WOULD SAY' BOTH LIKE
A PAIR DOBERMANS.
I WAS RELAXING HAVING A DRINK IN
THE BAR AND HE WALKS IN AND JUST
STARTS LOOKING AT ME.
HE LOOKS AT ME AND THEN HIGH HE
ORDERS A DRINK AND HE SAID COMMA
TO ME.
I DO
>> Dave: NOW THAT'S THE WAY
CINCO DE MAYO IS MEANT TO BE
CELEBRATED.
EARLIER WE HAD MY MOM ON VIA
SATELLITE AND I WAS CHATTING
WITH HER ABOUT HER VISITING ME
AT MY HOME LAST WEEKEND.
THIS IS MY MOTHER READING A
STORY TO MY ONE AND A
HALF-YEAR-OLD SON.
CAN YOU SEE THAT?
>> Paul: THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL
ABOUT RIGHT THERE.
>> Dave: THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Paul: CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
OUR NEXT GUESTS ARE A WONDERFUL