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  • CURIOSITY CHANGED THE WAY WE

  • WASH DISHES, DAVID LETTERMAN!

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

  • I WILL SEE YOU GIRLS LATER AT

  • THE MAY FLOWER.

  • >> Paul: HEY!

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL,

  • YOU FOLKS WILL DO ANYTHING TO

  • GET OUT OF DINNER WITH YOUR

  • RELATIVES, IS THAT THE DEAL?

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • I WANT TO GET RIGHT THROUGH THE

  • SHOW TONIGHT

  • >> Dave: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IN

  • MY HOUSE EVERY THANKSGIVING

  • EVENING, MY FILIPINO HOUSEBOY,

  • CHICHI SAYS THE SAME THING, HE

  • SAYS I WILL STAY WITH YOU,

  • Mr. DAVE.

  • YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALONE ON A

  • NIGHT LIKE THIS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: AH, COME ON!

  • OH THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD, AT THE

  • HOUSE MY MOM, EARLY ON CAN'T

  • FIND HER CELL PHONE.

  • THE CELL PHONE IS GONE.

  • SO LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER

  • THE TURKEY STARTS VIBRATING.

  • HELLO?

  • WHOO!

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • I WANT TO TELL YOU, I HAVEN'T

  • BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT A SHOW

  • IN A LONG, LONG TIME.

  • FIRST OF ALL, THANKS TO

  • EVERYBODY HERE FOR BEING HERE ON

  • THANKSGIVING AND SHARING YOUR

  • HOLIDAY WITH US.

  • IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO US.

  • GOOD TO HAVE YOU PEOPLE HERE

  • AGAIN THIS YEAR.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: AND SOMETHING VERY

  • EXCITING HAPPENED TO ME MOMENTS

  • AGO.

  • AND I LOVE IT WHEN NEW THINGS

  • HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU THINK WELL,

  • WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 25

  • YEARS OR SO, NOTHING NEW EVER

  • HAPPENS.

  • WELL, EARLIER TONIGHT, A WOMAN

  • FROM ORLANDO, FLORIDA, --

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE

  • I BELIEVE HER NAME WAS CATHY

  • WANTED TO KNOW IF MY BUTT WENT

  • NUMB, NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

  • THANK YOU, CATHY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WANTED TO KNOW IF MY

  • BUTT EVER GOES NUMB DURING THE

  • SHOW.

  • >> Paul: YES.

  • WHAT DID YOU SAY?

  • >> I SAID WELL THAT'S THE GOAL.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SHOOTING FOR.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IF

  • MY BUTT IS NUMB, YOUR BUTT IS

  • NUMB.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW, NOW THE OTHER

  • THING WE HAVE MY MOM, LIVE THERE

  • THE BIG CBS SATELLITE ALL THE

  • WAY FROM INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SHE, EVERY THANKSGIVING

  • SINCE THE TIME I WAS A YOUNG BOY

  • BAKES WONDERFUL PIES.

  • NOBODY BAKES BETTER PIES THAN MY

  • MOTHER, NOT EVEN THAT EX-CON

  • MARTHA THAT STEWART.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: AND THERE IS TWO PARTS

  • TO PIES.

  • THERE'S THE FILLING, OF COURSE,

  • AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUST.

  • AND NOBODY MAKES BETTER CRUST

  • THAN MY MOM.

  • FOR SOME REASON SHE'S JUST GOT

  • THAT KNACK AND IT'S PERFECT TIME

  • AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

  • AND SO EVERY YEAR ON

  • THANKSGIVING SHELL'S MAKE THE

  • PIES.

  • AND WE WILL DEMONSTRATE TO YOU

  • TONIGHT BEYOND A SHADOW OF A

  • DOUBT THAT THERE IS SOME SORT OF

  • COSMIC CONNECTION BETWEEN MOTHER

  • AND SON.

  • I HAVE NOT TALKED TO MY MOTHER

  • TODAY.

  • I KNOW SHE MADE PIES AND I WILL

  • PSYCHICALLY WITHOUT SEEING,

  • SMELLING OR TOUCHING THE PIES,

  • BE ABLE TO DETERMINE THE VARIETY

  • OF PIE THAT MY MOTHER HAS BAKED

  • TODAY FOR THANKSGIVING.

  • IT'S GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLE.

  • YOU PEM WILL BE TALKING ABOUT IT

  • IN THE CAR ALL THE WAY HOME

  • TONIGHT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: LET ME JUST WARN YOU IN

  • ADVANCE, I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A

  • TRANS.

  • I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A TRANS.

  • DO NOT APPROACH THE DESK.

  • >> Paul: WE WOULD NOT DREAM OF

  • IT.

  • >> Dave: BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT

  • YEAR, ONE YEAR I LOST MY WALLET.

  • >> E OH, WELL, THAT WAS --

  • >> THAT WAS UGLY.

  • >> Paul: I HATED THAT.

  • >> Dave: YOU PROBABLY KNOW THIS

  • THAT PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH, AND

  • EVERY PRESIDENT PRECEDING HIM

  • EVERY YEAR IS KIND OF A THING

  • THEY DO IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • THEY HAVE THE WHITE HOUSE

  • TURKEYS.

  • THEY WILL PARDON A COUPLE OF THE

  • TURKEYS.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S CUTE.

  • >> Dave: AND VIRTUALLY THE ONLY

  • GOOD PRESS HE GETS ALL YEAR.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: DUDE, LET THOSE TURKEYS

  • GO!

  • SO WE'RE STARTING A SIMILAR

  • TRADITION HERE TONIGHT ON THE

  • LATE SHOW FOR OUR THANKSGIVING

  • PROGRAM.

  • YOU CAN TURN ON THE HOUSE

  • LIGHTS?

  • LET ME SEE, THERE'S THE AUDIENCE

  • RIGHT THERE.

  • I TELL YOU WHAT --

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: THERE'S THE AUDIENCE.

  • YEAH, OKAY.

  • THAT COUPLE IN THE SECOND ROW ON

  • THE AISLE, RIGHT THERE, YOU TWO

  • ON THE AISLE, CAN YOU STAND UP

  • FOR A SECOND?

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN LEAVE

  • NOW.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: JUST LIKE THE

  • PRESIDENT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: COULD BE PUMPKIN?

  • >> Paul: THIS IS THE TYPE OF PIE

  • THAT YOUR MOTHER --

  • >> BANANA CREAM, BOSTON CREAM, I

  • COULD GO FOR A BOSTON CREAM PIE.

  • BOYSENBERRY.

  • >> Paul: THIS IS NOT -- THESE

  • ARE NOT -- THESE ARE POSSIBLE

  • PIES.

  • >> Dave: THIS -- PAUL, THIS IS

  • JUST A LIST OF PIES.

  • >> THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

  • THE PIES YOUR MOTHER HAS MADE.

  • >> Dave: THIS IS JUST A LIST OF

  • PIES.

  • >> JUST AN ARBITRARY LIST, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: BUTTERSCOTCH.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Paul: DID SHE EVER MAKE A

  • BUTTER KOCH PIE WHEN YOU WERE A

  • KID.

  • >> Dave: NO.

  • >> Paul: THIS IS A POSSIBLE PIE.

  • >> WE WERE PRESBYTERIAN.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT,

  • OH, MY GOSH, A LOVELY WOMAN AND

  • A BIG, BIG STAR OF THE WILL &

  • GRACE PROGRAM, BY THE WAY, THIS

  • IS THE FINAL SEASON, DOW REALIZE

  • THAT.

  • EIGHT YEARS THEY'VEEND.

  • >> Dave: THAT IS EXCITING.

  • >> HE COULD PRODUCED THAT.

  • >> Dave: AND -- OH, KEY LIME

  • PIE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW, I COULD GO ON

  • READING THIS ALL NIGHT.

  • I LOVE READING THIS LIST OF

  • PIES.

  • >> Paul: JUST READING THE LIST

  • OF PIE SFOOS I KNOW THAT IT JUST

  • DRIVE CBS CRAZY.

  • >> Paul: AH!

  • ES.

  • >> Dave: HE'S JUST READING DAMN

  • PIES.

  • >> READ A FEW MORE.

  • >> Dave: STRAWBERRY.

  • >> Paul: STRAWBERRY PIE.

  • >> Dave: CHUCKBERRY.

  • HALLE BERRY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SHEPHERD'S PIE.

  • SHEPHERD SMITH.

  • >> Paul: MARVELOUS.

  • >> Dave: DUTCH APPLE.

  • FIONA APPLE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: EVERY YEAR WE HAVE

  • THANKSGIVING DINNER RIGHT HERE.

  • BECAUSE WE'RE ONE BIG FAMILY AT

  • THE LATE SHOW AND EVERY YEAR WE

  • HAVE THE BIG SPREAD.

  • AND IT WAS PARTICULARLY TASTY

  • THIS YEAR, DIDN'T YOU THINK SO.

  • >> Paul: THE FULL SPREAD.

  • >> Dave: DAMN GOOD, FULL SPREAD.

  • EVERYBODY COMES IN.

  • WE WILL SHOW YOU A COUPLE OF

  • MINUTES HOW THE BIG LUNCHEON

  • WENT THIS AFTERNOON.

  • WILL YOU SEE RIGHT THERE, A

  • COUPLE OF MY ASSISTANTS,

  • STEPHANIE AND JOANNE, SHEILA

  • ROGERS AND ARLO, WHAT A HANDSOME

  • BOY.

  • PAUL AND HIS DAUGHTER, VICTORIA,

  • AND LOOK AT HOW BIG VICTORIA HAS

  • GOTTEN.

  • THERE IS MY GOOD FRIEND HUFF,

  • HELLO, HUFF.

  • >> Paul: YES.

  • >> Dave: THIS IS BIFF NOW

  • WORKING OVER THE GRAPHY.

  • YEAH, WE HAD TO TAKE SOME

  • PRECAUTIONS THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF

  • THE BIRD FLU.

  • AND THEN ALAN KALTER WAS NICE

  • ENOUGH TO DO THE HONORS, SLICING

  • THE TURKEY.

  • THIS IS GOOD, THE CAROLINA

  • CHEERLEADERS, THE CAROLINA

  • PANTHERS FIGHTING OVER TURKEY.

  • AND THEN IT WAS ME DRESSED UP AS

  • THE PILGRIM.

  • THAT HAS BEEN AROUND FOR QUITE A

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: MINCE MEAT.

  • >> Paul: S THAT HE A A GREAT