WASH DISHES, DAVID LETTERMAN!

>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I WILL SEE YOU GIRLS LATER AT

THE MAY FLOWER.

>> Paul: HEY!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL,

YOU FOLKS WILL DO ANYTHING TO

GET OUT OF DINNER WITH YOUR

RELATIVES, IS THAT THE DEAL?

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: YEAH.

I WANT TO GET RIGHT THROUGH THE

SHOW TONIGHT

>> Dave: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IN

MY HOUSE EVERY THANKSGIVING

EVENING, MY FILIPINO HOUSEBOY,

CHICHI SAYS THE SAME THING, HE

SAYS I WILL STAY WITH YOU,

Mr. DAVE.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALONE ON A

NIGHT LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: AH, COME ON!

OH THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD, AT THE

HOUSE MY MOM, EARLY ON CAN'T

FIND HER CELL PHONE.

THE CELL PHONE IS GONE.

SO LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER

THE TURKEY STARTS VIBRATING.

HELLO?

WHOO!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM,

EVERYBODY.

I WANT TO TELL YOU, I HAVEN'T

BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT A SHOW

IN A LONG, LONG TIME.

FIRST OF ALL, THANKS TO

EVERYBODY HERE FOR BEING HERE ON

THANKSGIVING AND SHARING YOUR

HOLIDAY WITH US.

IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO US.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU PEOPLE HERE

AGAIN THIS YEAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: AND SOMETHING VERY

EXCITING HAPPENED TO ME MOMENTS

AGO.

AND I LOVE IT WHEN NEW THINGS

HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU THINK WELL,

WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 25

YEARS OR SO, NOTHING NEW EVER

HAPPENS.

WELL, EARLIER TONIGHT, A WOMAN

FROM ORLANDO, FLORIDA, --

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE

I BELIEVE HER NAME WAS CATHY

WANTED TO KNOW IF MY BUTT WENT

NUMB, NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

THANK YOU, CATHY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: WANTED TO KNOW IF MY

BUTT EVER GOES NUMB DURING THE

SHOW.

>> Paul: YES.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

>> I SAID WELL THAT'S THE GOAL.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SHOOTING FOR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IF

MY BUTT IS NUMB, YOUR BUTT IS

NUMB.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: YOU KNOW, NOW THE OTHER

THING WE HAVE MY MOM, LIVE THERE

THE BIG CBS SATELLITE ALL THE

WAY FROM INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: SHE, EVERY THANKSGIVING

SINCE THE TIME I WAS A YOUNG BOY

BAKES WONDERFUL PIES.

NOBODY BAKES BETTER PIES THAN MY

MOTHER, NOT EVEN THAT EX-CON

MARTHA THAT STEWART.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: AND THERE IS TWO PARTS

TO PIES.

THERE'S THE FILLING, OF COURSE,

AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUST.

AND NOBODY MAKES BETTER CRUST

THAN MY MOM.

FOR SOME REASON SHE'S JUST GOT

THAT KNACK AND IT'S PERFECT TIME

AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

AND SO EVERY YEAR ON

THANKSGIVING SHELL'S MAKE THE

PIES.

AND WE WILL DEMONSTRATE TO YOU

TONIGHT BEYOND A SHADOW OF A

DOUBT THAT THERE IS SOME SORT OF

COSMIC CONNECTION BETWEEN MOTHER

AND SON.

I HAVE NOT TALKED TO MY MOTHER

TODAY.

I KNOW SHE MADE PIES AND I WILL

PSYCHICALLY WITHOUT SEEING,

SMELLING OR TOUCHING THE PIES,

BE ABLE TO DETERMINE THE VARIETY

OF PIE THAT MY MOTHER HAS BAKED

TODAY FOR THANKSGIVING.

IT'S GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU PEM WILL BE TALKING ABOUT IT

IN THE CAR ALL THE WAY HOME

TONIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: LET ME JUST WARN YOU IN

ADVANCE, I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A

TRANS.

I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A TRANS.

DO NOT APPROACH THE DESK.

>> Paul: WE WOULD NOT DREAM OF

IT.

>> Dave: BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT

YEAR, ONE YEAR I LOST MY WALLET.

>> E OH, WELL, THAT WAS --

>> THAT WAS UGLY.

>> Paul: I HATED THAT.

>> Dave: YOU PROBABLY KNOW THIS

THAT PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH, AND

EVERY PRESIDENT PRECEDING HIM

EVERY YEAR IS KIND OF A THING

THEY DO IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

THEY HAVE THE WHITE HOUSE

TURKEYS.

THEY WILL PARDON A COUPLE OF THE

TURKEYS.

>> Paul: THAT'S CUTE.

>> Dave: AND VIRTUALLY THE ONLY

GOOD PRESS HE GETS ALL YEAR.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: DUDE, LET THOSE TURKEYS

GO!

SO WE'RE STARTING A SIMILAR

TRADITION HERE TONIGHT ON THE

LATE SHOW FOR OUR THANKSGIVING

PROGRAM.

YOU CAN TURN ON THE HOUSE

LIGHTS?

LET ME SEE, THERE'S THE AUDIENCE

RIGHT THERE.

I TELL YOU WHAT --

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: THERE'S THE AUDIENCE.

YEAH, OKAY.

THAT COUPLE IN THE SECOND ROW ON

THE AISLE, RIGHT THERE, YOU TWO

ON THE AISLE, CAN YOU STAND UP

FOR A SECOND?

THERE YOU GO.

I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN LEAVE

NOW.

THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: JUST LIKE THE

PRESIDENT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: COULD BE PUMPKIN?

>> Paul: THIS IS THE TYPE OF PIE

THAT YOUR MOTHER --

>> BANANA CREAM, BOSTON CREAM, I

COULD GO FOR A BOSTON CREAM PIE.

BOYSENBERRY.

>> Paul: THIS IS NOT -- THESE

ARE NOT -- THESE ARE POSSIBLE

PIES.

>> Dave: THIS -- PAUL, THIS IS

JUST A LIST OF PIES.

>> THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

THE PIES YOUR MOTHER HAS MADE.

>> Dave: THIS IS JUST A LIST OF

PIES.

>> JUST AN ARBITRARY LIST, YEAH.

>> Dave: BUTTERSCOTCH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Paul: DID SHE EVER MAKE A

BUTTER KOCH PIE WHEN YOU WERE A

KID.

>> Dave: NO.

>> Paul: THIS IS A POSSIBLE PIE.

>> WE WERE PRESBYTERIAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT,

OH, MY GOSH, A LOVELY WOMAN AND

A BIG, BIG STAR OF THE WILL &

GRACE PROGRAM, BY THE WAY, THIS

IS THE FINAL SEASON, DOW REALIZE

THAT.

EIGHT YEARS THEY'VEEND.

>> Dave: THAT IS EXCITING.

>> HE COULD PRODUCED THAT.

>> Dave: AND -- OH, KEY LIME

PIE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: YOU KNOW, I COULD GO ON

READING THIS ALL NIGHT.

I LOVE READING THIS LIST OF

PIES.

>> Paul: JUST READING THE LIST

OF PIE SFOOS I KNOW THAT IT JUST

DRIVE CBS CRAZY.

>> Paul: AH!

ES.

>> Dave: HE'S JUST READING DAMN

PIES.

>> READ A FEW MORE.

>> Dave: STRAWBERRY.

>> Paul: STRAWBERRY PIE.

>> Dave: CHUCKBERRY.

HALLE BERRY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: SHEPHERD'S PIE.

SHEPHERD SMITH.

>> Paul: MARVELOUS.

>> Dave: DUTCH APPLE.

FIONA APPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: EVERY YEAR WE HAVE

THANKSGIVING DINNER RIGHT HERE.

BECAUSE WE'RE ONE BIG FAMILY AT

THE LATE SHOW AND EVERY YEAR WE

HAVE THE BIG SPREAD.

AND IT WAS PARTICULARLY TASTY

THIS YEAR, DIDN'T YOU THINK SO.

>> Paul: THE FULL SPREAD.

>> Dave: DAMN GOOD, FULL SPREAD.

EVERYBODY COMES IN.

WE WILL SHOW YOU A COUPLE OF

MINUTES HOW THE BIG LUNCHEON

WENT THIS AFTERNOON.

WILL YOU SEE RIGHT THERE, A

COUPLE OF MY ASSISTANTS,

STEPHANIE AND JOANNE, SHEILA

ROGERS AND ARLO, WHAT A HANDSOME

BOY.

PAUL AND HIS DAUGHTER, VICTORIA,

AND LOOK AT HOW BIG VICTORIA HAS

GOTTEN.

THERE IS MY GOOD FRIEND HUFF,

HELLO, HUFF.

>> Paul: YES.

>> Dave: THIS IS BIFF NOW

WORKING OVER THE GRAPHY.

YEAH, WE HAD TO TAKE SOME

PRECAUTIONS THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF

THE BIRD FLU.

AND THEN ALAN KALTER WAS NICE

ENOUGH TO DO THE HONORS, SLICING

THE TURKEY.

THIS IS GOOD, THE CAROLINA

CHEERLEADERS, THE CAROLINA

PANTHERS FIGHTING OVER TURKEY.

AND THEN IT WAS ME DRESSED UP AS

THE PILGRIM.

THAT HAS BEEN AROUND FOR QUITE A

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: MINCE MEAT.

>> Paul: S THAT HE A A GREAT