upon us and I for one captain wait to see who the american

people elect next for John Boehner to sue.

Of course, former first lady, former senator, and former

secretary of state Hillary Clinton is the current

front-runner, which is surprising since it sounds like

she can't hold down a job.

(laughter) Now, secretary Clinton says she

hasn't made up her mind about whether she's running yet, but

me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much.

Let's just look at the facts.

One, she's on a national book tour pushing her memoir "hard

choices."

Two, she's extremely qualified.

Three, let's forget about number two and just focus on the book

thing.

Which, by the way, for the record i don't get.

Sure, it's been on the "new york times" bestseller list for seven

weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide but I

recently picked up the audio book.

I like to listen to it when i'm on the treadmill at the gym

rager-sizing.

Here's the colbert review.

Here's my review.

This book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping.

Jim?

Tanzanian prime minister Mizengo Pinda and I do some

planting at a women's cooperative in Mlandizi.

Stephen: Thud. Did you catch that, tmz?

She just happened to be hanging out with Mizengo in Mlandizi.

Not impressed.

So she's tight with the prime minister of Tanzania.

I happen to be e-mail pen pals with the prince of Nigeria,

Okay?

That reminds me I should really-- I should write that guy

back.

Shiwrite that guy.

(applause) Gotta write him.

He owes me a ton of money.

And there's more.

The first time I met the Burmese Nobel Peace Prize winner

Aung San Suu Kyi in 2011, we were both wearing white.

Stephen: Really?

Wearing white after labor day?

Obviously, her Nobel Prize wasn't in fashion.

Again, Jim.

German chancellor Angela Merkel has a great sense of

humor.

Stephen: You heard it, folks.

Hillary Clinton thinks German chancellors are a laugh riot.

Heil Hilarity.

Here, Bono sits with me at the piano.

Stephen: Big deal!

Bono sits with everybody at the Piapo.

Call me when you're sitting with David Bowie at a didgeridoo.

I just don't buy any of this. There is no way on earth

one woman can be in so many places at once.

(Cheers and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

(Audience chanting "Hillary")

Stephen: Don't you dare!

Don't you dare!

You were chanting my name four minutes ago, you two-timers.

(Cheers and applause)

Hillary Clinton.

Now who's a name dropper, Stephen?

Stephen: Oh, really?

Name dropper?

That's not what my good friend Tom hanks calls me.

When we're hanging out at George Clooney's place.

Oh, I love George.

I wish he could have joined us when I had lunch with Meryl

Streep and Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa.

Oh, Rafl.

He is such a cut-up, especially when we go camping with Oprah.

(Laughter)

Oh?

Does that surprise you?

No, "o" is just what all her real friends call Oprah, surprise you?

Stephen: I know Paul Mccartney.

I negotiated with Hamid Karzai.

Stephen: I shared an office with Steve Carell.

(Laughter)

I held high-level talks with Chinese state counselor

Dai Bingguo.

Stephen: Well, now you're just making words up.

I will have you know, madam, I once did an entire show with

president Bill Clinton.

Oh!

(Applause) I hate to break this to you,

Stephen, but I've met him, too.

Stephen: Gosh, you know everyone!

What kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your

book?

Well, you're not in it, Stephen?

Stephen: Oh, aren't I?

You ever notice how president of Turkmenistan Gurbanguly

Berd-Muha-Meadow are never in the same room at the same time.

No!

Stephen: Oh, yes.

Stephen: And, madam, it is not just your name dropping I

call into question.

I question your title.

It's called "hard choices."

but there aren't any real hard choices in here.

What about negotiating fragile alliances and treaties.

Stephen: Oh, I'm talking about real hard choices--

eternal questions like which would you rather fight one

horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?

(Cheers and applause)

-Well. -Stephen: Boom!

Now, I admit that is a valid question.

Here's what I'd do.

First, I'd try to find common ground between ducks and horses.

For instance, they both grew up on old McDonald's farm.

Then, I'd establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horse-duck

dialogue.

(Laughter) and, Stephen, I'm convinced--

with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the

pigs and the geese, we'd have peace-peace here, peace-peace,

there, here a peace, there a peace, everywhere a peace.

(Cheers and applause)

Stephen: Ei-e-i-oh, you're good!

And now, Stephen, I've got a hard choice for you.

Stephen: bring it, H.R.C.

Oh, it will be brought.

Your choice.

Promote my book or I won't appear on your show.

Stephen: but you have already appeared on my show.

(Laughter)

Stephen: No!

No!

I learned that from George Lucas.

(Laughter)

Stephen: I met him.

He's a friend.

Well, no one will know i got Hillary Clinton on my show.

Fine!

Fine!

Buy "Hard Choices," available in bookstores everywhere there are

still bookstores.

On or our web site down here, okay?

Okay.

Stephen: Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Stephen.

Was that such a hard choice to make?

(Laughter) (Applause)

Stephen: Yes, it was.

Hillary Clinton, everybody.

"Hard Choices."

Madam secretary, thank you so much.

Thank you!

Stephen: Hillary Clinton, everybody.

(Cheers and applause)