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  • SPEAKING OF STUPID AND MADMEN, DONALD TRUMP.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I LIKE THAT.

  • I LIKE THAT.

  • >> Stephen: THE LEADING REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE HAS PROVEN

  • HIMSELF NOTORIOUSLY UNPREDICTABLE, EXCEPT TO HIS

  • BUTLER IT TURNS OUT, WHO RECENTLY IN THE "NEW YORK

  • TIMES," REVEALED HIS SECRET WARDROBE-BASED SYSTEM FOR

  • READING TRUMP'S MOODS.

  • TURNS OUT IN THE MORNING, "MR. TRUMP WOULD

  • EMERGE IN KHAKIS, A WHITE GOLF GOLF SHIRT, AND BASEBALL CAP.

  • IF THE CAP WAS WHITE, THE STAFF NOTICED, THE BOSS WAS IN A GOOD

  • MOOD.

  • IF IT WAS RED, IT WAS BEST TO STAY AWAY.

  • IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "CAP OF WHITE, FRIEND IN SIGHT.

  • CAP OF RED, WE'RE ALL DEAD."

  • STILL UNCLEAR WHAT IT MEANS WHEN TRUMP WEARS THAT HAY-COVERED

  • SWIM CAP.

  • NEUTRAL.

  • NEUTRAL.

  • AND I'M GUESSING HE'S GOING TO BE WEARING THE RED HAT ALL WEEK,

  • BECAUSE HE'S HAD A ROUGH ONE.

  • FIRST, HE UPSET A LOT OF PEOPLE BY TWEETING THIS UNFLATTERING

  • COMPARISON BETWEEN HIS WIFE MELANIA AND TED CRUZ'S WIFE

  • HEIDI.

  • SOME SAY THIS IS NOT PRESIDENTIAL

  • BEHAVIOR, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET THE ELECTION OF 1860, WHEN

  • THE STEPHEN DOUGLAS CAMPAIGN COMPARED MARY TODD LINCOLN

  • UNFAVORABLY TO a SHEEP IN HEAT.

  • THAT'S HISTORY.

  • THAT'S HISTORY.

  • THAT'S-- WE DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP.

  • THAT'S HISTORY.

  • LAST NIGHT DONALD TRUMP HAD TO ANSWER FOR THAT RETWEET AT A

  • TOWN HALL, WHEN HE WAS GRILLED BY CNN CORRESPONDENT AND THE

  • LEGOLAS OF CABLE NEWS, ANDERSON COOPER.

  • >> AFTER SAYING THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT

  • HEIDI CRUZ, YOU REPEATED UNFLATTERING PICTURE OF HER NEXT

  • TO A PICTURE OF YOUR WIFE.

  • >> I THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE PICTURE OF HEIDI.

  • >> COME ON.

  • >> I THOUGHT IT WAS FINE.

  • SHE'S A PRETTY WOMAN.

  • >> YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

  • >> EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T START IT.

  • >> SIR, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THAT'S THE ARGUMENT OF A

  • 5-YEAR-OLD.

  • >> I DIDN'T START IT.

  • NO, IT'S NOT.

  • >> THE ARGUMENT OF A 5-YEAR-OLD IS "HE STARTED IT."

  • >> EXCUSE HE.

  • YOU WOULD SAY THAT.

  • THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH OUR COUNTRY.

  • >> EVERY PARENT KNOWS A KID WHO SAYS "HE STARTED IT."

  • >> EXCUSE ME.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, EXCUSE ME.

  • EXCUSE ME, ANDERSON.

  • YOU WOULD SAY THAT.

  • THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ANDERSON.

  • BECAUSE, YEAH, TRUMP DOES ACT LIKE A 5-YEAR-OLD, AND THAT'S

  • WHY PEOPLE LIKE HIM.

  • HE'S NOT COMPLICATED.

  • IF HE'S ANGRY, HE SHOUTS.

  • IF HE'S HAPPY, HE WEARS HIS HAPPY HAT.

  • HE LOVES BUILDING TOWERS, AND HE THINKS GIRLS ARE KIND OF

  • YUCKIE.

  • BUT RIGHT NOW, EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY MAY BE THE LEAST OF

  • TRUMP'S PROBLEMS.

  • >> DONALD TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER UNDER FIRE TONIGHT,

  • CHARGED WITH BATTERY.

  • THAT MANAGER, COREY LEWANDOWSKI, TRUMP'S MOST TRUSTED ADVISER,

  • NOW FACING A CRIMINAL CHARGE.

  • >> LEWANDOWSKI WAS CHARGED IN FLORIDA WITH WHAT'S CALLED

  • SIMPLE BATTERY FOR ALLEGEDLY GRABBING THE ARM OF A REPORTER.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, LEWANDOWSKI AND TRUMP BOTH DENIED THAT HE EVER

  • TOUCHED THE REPORTER, BUT YESTERDAY, FLORIDA POLICE

  • RELEASED THIS SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE SHOWING THAT HE

  • ACTUALLY DID.

  • THIS IS A SHAMEFUL ACT THAT IS SURE TO DERAIL HIS CAMPAIGN

  • AND TRUMP IS UP 10 POINT IN THE POLLS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON HIS

  • PLANE YESTERDAY, TRUMP INSISTED THAT HE WOULD STAND BY HIS MAN

  • >> I KNOW IT WOULD BE VERY EASY FOR ME TO DISCARD PEOPLE.

  • I DON'T DISCARD PEOPLE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • HE NEVER DISCARDS ANYONE.

  • EXCEPT HIS FIRST COUPLE WIVES ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • AND, OF COURSE, THESE PEOPLE.

  • >> GET HIM OUTTA HEEEERE!

  • GET HIM OUT.

  • GET HIM OUTTA HERE.

  • YEAH, THROW HIM OUT.

  • THROW HIM OUT TO THE COLD.

  • GET HIM OUT.

  • OUT, OUT, OUT.

  • BRETT YOU'RE FIRED.

  • SINBAD YOU'RE FIRED.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT, MEATLOAF.

  • I'M GONNA MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.

  • GARY, YOU'RE FIRED.

  • >> Stephen: LUCKILY, GETTING FIRED GAVE GARY BUSEY MORE

  • TIME TO PURSUE HIS REAL PASSION, ARGUING WITH SQUIRRELS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, PLUS, AS FAR AS TRUMP IS

  • CONCERNED, TRUMP WAS THE ONE IN DANGER.

  • >> SHE WAS GRABBING ME.

  • AND JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND, SHE WAS OFF BASE BECAUSE SHE WENT

  • THROUGH THE SECRET SERVICE.

  • SHE HAD A PEN IN HER HAND, WHICH SECRET SERVICE IS NOT LIKING

  • BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, WHETHER IT'S A LITTLE BOMB.

  • >> Stephen: YES, HER PEN, HER PEN COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

  • BOMB.

  • AND HER FINGERS COULD HAVE BEEN A GUN.

  • OR EVEN SIDSORS.

  • OR SCISSORS.

  • OR ROCK, OR PAPER, OR A DOG.

  • WOOF, WOOF!

  • OR EVEN WORSE, SHE COULD HAVE USED THAT PEN TO WRITE DOWN

  • SOMETHING HE SAID!

  • THERE'S NO TELLING HOW MUCH DAMAGE THAT COULD DO.

  • NOW, WE INVITED DONALD TRUMP ON THE SHOW TO ADDRESS THIS

  • CONTROVERSY.

  • DID WE ACTUALLY DO THAT?

  • DID WE INVITE HIM?

  • OKAY, I'M GOING TO SAY WE INVITED DONALD TRUMP ON THE SHOW

  • TO ADDRESS THIS CONTROVERSY, BUT HE WAS BUSY BEING ON EVERY OTHER

  • CHANNEL ON TELEVISION.

  • PLUS, I THINK HE'S TURNED INTO A CARTOONISH VERSION OF HIMSELF AT

  • THIS POINT.

  • SO INSTEAD, WE INVITED A SLIGHTLY LESS CARTOONISH

  • VERSION.

  • PLEASE WELCOME CARTOON DONALD TRUMP.

  • THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, CARTOON DONALD TRUMP.

  • >> THANK YOU STEPHEN.

  • IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

  • HE STARTED IT.

  • >> Stephen: WAIT, WHO STARTED WHAT?

  • >> ANYBODY, STEPHEN.

  • WHATEVER THEY STARTED.

  • UNLESS IT MAKES AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, IN WHICH CASE, I STARTED

  • IT.

  • IT'S VERY EXCITING, THE BEST.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, NOW, MR. CARTOON TRUMP, HOW DO YOU

  • RESPOND TO ANDERSON COOPER COMPARING YOU TO A 5-YEAR-OLD?

  • >> ANDERSON COOPER IS A DUMB-DUMB.

  • HE'S A STUPIDHEAD HE'S A TOTAL POOPY-PANTS.

  • SAD.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE SOUNDING A LITTLE

  • IMMATURE.

  • >> I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?

  • >> Stephen: OH COME ON.

  • YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT.

  • >> STEPHEN, I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE.

  • I HAVE A LAWYER, AND I WILL SUE.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE VIDEOTAPE?

  • IT CLEARLY SHOWS THAT YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER GRABBED A

  • REPORTER ROUGHLY.

  • >> NO, HE DIDN'T.

  • >> Stephen: YES HE DID.

  • >> NO, HE DIDN'T.

  • >> Stephen: YES HE DID.

  • >> NO, HE DIDN'T INFINITY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: INFINITY?

  • THAT'S IT?

  • IT SETTLES IT.

  • >> THAT SETTLES IT.

  • IT TOTALLY SETTLES IT.

  • I I SETTLED IT IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

  • SHE STARTED IT.

  • >> Stephen: HOW DID HE START IT?

  • SHOOEFS HOLDING ONE OF THOSE LITTLE BOMBS?

  • >> Stephen: LIKE THESE.

  • >> GET IT AWAY, STEPHEN!

  • >> Stephen: COME ON, COME ON, IT'S JUST A PEN.

  • SEE, LOOK.

  • >> NO!

  • IT'S A BOMB!

  • IT'S A BOMB!

  • IT'S A BOMB.