Hey Folks! So, as you know, the living arrangements in the former Casa de Dean have become...

unconventional.

I'm starting to feel the host of Planet Earth: The Vampires...

[in Laura's very best David Attenborough hosting voice and tribal music in the background]

Here we see the wily vampire emerging from it's diurnal lair,

and engaging in the traditional vampiric pastimes of pacing, needless threats of violence,

irritability, dominance displays, and marathons of Orange is the New Black.

Unable to hunt in captivity, the vampire must rely upon rations provided by its faithful minions,

and supplement its diet with scavenged foodstuffs.

And awkward non-flirting with this girl they used to date and tell enormous secrets to.

The colossal awkwardness aside, things are actually going pretty well-

With Mattie and JP and Carm stuck here, the vampire attacks are down, and most of the classes are

up and running again.

Though you don't get to go if you aren't 100% human, and most of the curriculum has been...

aggressively edited.

[Knocking on the trap door]

[Laura knocks back] Shut! Up!

The patrols for the day aren't through yet.

But until we figure out what to do about any of that-

[more impatient knocking from below] [more of Tiny Laura's knocks back]

-a far, far grimmer fate awaits me: My Term 2 courses.

Because the utter chaos on campus that has been going on for the last month and a half

has not stopped the shiny new profs that Vordenberg hired from going from 0 to midterms in one week flat.

So, if I intend to pass entry level Siege Tactics- a course which used to be my philosophy elective

it is time to hit my Vordenberg approved textbook and-

[Danny knocks at the door]

Danny!

Uh- hey.

Is this another patrol?

Oh- no, um. I was just in the neighbourhood and I thought-

You know what, it- it was stupid. I'll- I'll just go.

You don't have to.

Omigod. Are those apples?

Uh- yeah.

We got in a shipment of them. I know how hard it's been to find anything fresh since the earthquakes-

[Laura scarfs an apple making "yummy" noises and giggling to herself]

I'll take that as a sign you like them.

Thanks. I think I can actually taste the vitamins.

You know when I was a kid, I used to dream about eating nothing but chips and candy all day.

Let me tell you, the Disaster Era Junk Food diet has ruined that dream for me.

Oh no, I can get more. It's ok.

You know, as much as I love being comforted with apples, is there another reason that you came by?

Uh...

I don't really have anywhere else to go.

Ever since I ruined the festival the Summers haven't really wanted me around.

If I crash with the Zetas it's only a matter of time until I break Kirsch's heart.

Or someone's fingers.

And no one seems to care about what Herr Baron is up to.

Why are you studying catapult mechanics?

Ah- Apparently the trebuchet has more serious implications for modern thought than Hegel.

Where did he find these profs?

I don't know, this one lady used to be a Stasi, I think.

Is that better or worse than him recruiting mountain villagers to "help patrol"?

I don't know what time vortex they've been stuck in, but their answer to everything is torches and pitchforks.

"Is that person maybe a Vampire?"

Torches and pitchforks.

"Did that boy try to steal a bicycle?"

Torches and pitchforks.

"Did the cafeteria run out of pie?"

Quiet disappointment...

Oh no wait! Torches and pitchforks.

Yesterday they rounded up half of the Alchemy Club.

I really thought we were making things better.

And- I hate how it's made things awkward between you and me again.

I don't feel awkward.

Really?

You stood up for what you thought was right.

You thought that was going to make me like you less?

Well, when you put it that way-

[knocks from down below]

UGH! Shush!

Do you know if there's going to be any more patrols? The Flowers in the Attic are getting restless.

You're probably in the clear.

How are you doing with that, by the way?

Ah, you mean the near constant threat of exsanguination, or living with my ex? Both super-fun!

Laura, if you're worried-

I have...a contingency plan.

I'm safe.

I promise.

I don't want you to worry.

I don't think you can stop me-

You have to come quick. They're hauling away the Anglerfish Protestors

and I think it's killing them!

See that subscribe button? You should click it. [Love Will Have Its Sacrifices ending theme]