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  • Are you a vampire and you just don't know it yet?

  • Let's talk about that.

  • ♪ (theme music) ♪

  • - Good Mythical Morning! - Last week on our ridiculous

  • dating websites game we learned about Vampersonals: an actual website where

  • vampires can date one another. And, yes, it was a real website.

  • - You got that one right! - And it's a real website because

  • there are people -- thousands of people around the world -- who consider

  • - themselves to actually be vampires. - So I've sent you on a trail...

  • - Yes. - …with asking you that question.

  • - A research trail. - A rabbit trail.

  • (both making "boop" noises)

  • You do satellite, huh? Satellite? I do antennae.

  • My antennae communicate with your satellite.

  • - Every time? I've never known that! - I've always done antennae.

  • - You do the satellite? - Yeah, every time!

  • Well, good for you! So anyway, during this research what I have learned

  • is that we're not talking about the vampires of folklore who live forever,

  • who don't like garlic, who can't go out in the sun. But these are...

  • - Wooden stake into the heart kills them. - Well, a wooden stake into the heart will

  • kill you, as well. And me. And most people.

  • - Well, touché! Speak for yourself! - But we are talking about people who

  • consider themselves vampires. And the thing that I have learned during this

  • - researchis that you might -- - But none of that's true of them.

  • you, sir, and possibly me -- may actually be vampires. And you may be

  • a vampire if you're watching, and we're gonna get into how you can figure that out.

  • - So there are some STAKES in this episode. - (forced laughter)

  • Not wooden, but you may find yourself being a vampire [at the end].

  • Now, there's couple of -- there's actually three different types vampires.

  • First -- and all these people are accepted within the vampire community.

  • I don't know how I feel about all of these types of vampires, considering the

  • first type is the lifestyle vampire. This is just people who like to dress up like

  • vampires. This is just people who go to Hot Topic and get black clothing.

  • (Link) Halloween-year-round type scenario?

  • (Rhett) They shouldn't be included, vampire people. I'm just saying you

  • shouldn't include people who just play dress-up. But they are included.

  • The second ones are called psychic vampires.

  • - Ooh! - And these are not people who tell the

  • future of other vampires. These are people who feed off of other people, but they

  • feed off of their energy.

  • What are the mechanics of that process?

  • You might suck on somebody's ear. (inhales) I don't know.

  • It has to do with their aura. You have an aura today. It's very...

  • - …blue. (laughing) - I like how you're looking… (laughing)

  • - Do you see something, because… - No, I don't.

  • - Okay, good. - But these people see or sense an

  • aura -- an energy -- in and around a person. And apparently, they can

  • - feed off of it. - That's called an extrovert.

  • Uh, yep. I think it's called a vampire. An extroverted vampire.

  • - "Extra diverted." - And if they feed to much on someone,

  • they can feel lethargic, according to them. But listen, I also don't think they

  • should be vampires, because I think the real vampires are the people who suck

  • blood. And those are called sanguinarian vampires. These are people who actually

  • - feed off of human blood... - Nn-mm.

  • and feel like they have to have the blood in order to survive.

  • I feel like there should be laws against this, and there probably are.

  • Now, it isn't like I walk up to you and I bite into your neck without you knowing

  • and then suck your blood. We're talking people who have worked out agreements

  • with other donors. Sometimes they're in a relationship with somebody, like two

  • vampires together in a relationship, and they suck each others' blood.

  • - And then sometimes they get blood... - That's fair.

  • from donors, like off of Craigslist. I'm not making this up.

  • Craigslist was listed as a potential place to find your blood donors.

  • And, of course, they go through all the testing to make sure they're not gonna

  • - get weird diseases. - Craig does that?

  • Craig is into that. Craig is really into blood.

  • - I mean the testing. - But the thing is, they don't bite

  • the neck. They actually use a sanitary scalpel, and they'll cut you on the arm

  • or on the back, and then suck on the cut. I'm not gonna actually do it.

  • - Don't get nervous. But here's the thing. - Oh, wow.

  • It sounds weird. It sounds crazy. But you actually may be one, because

  • there's a lot of characteristics that you can have, according to the vampire experts,

  • that might lead youthat might help you realize that you are actually

  • a vampire. And I've gone to an incredible source, Link.

  • I didn't even do any necking in high school.

  • - Well, hold on. - Remember that.

  • If you do that hard enough, some blood might come to the surface.

  • - You talking about hickies? - Hickies! Necking!

  • - (Rhett) I never understood hickies. - All right, so you're gonna conduct a

  • - test to prove that I am a vampire? - Well, the first question I have for you

  • - is: have you gone through puberty? - (scoffs) Lemme think about that!

  • - Uh, yes. I think so. - Well, that's a sign that you might be

  • a vampire. Because every vampire, during the time of puberty, experiences

  • an awakening, where they start to feel like they might be a vampire.

  • No -- okay, that means I'm not a vampire. Sothey...

  • They realize, "Hey, I'm a vampire." They start...

  • Yeah, around puberty.

  • - That didn't happen to me. - (stammering) I'm just trying to

  • line all this up. Have you been through puberty?

  • - Yes. - Yes. You're still a candidate.

  • Secondly, do you enjoy pomegranate juice.

  • - Yes. - Dark chocolate.

  • Uh, yeah. I mean, it's bitter compared to regular chocolate, but yeah.

  • - Marmite? - Absolutely not.

  • - Okay. Have you ever tasted marmite? - Yes. It was mailed to us.

  • - But you like the first two. - Vegemite, marmite. Bad stuff.

  • Those are acceptable substitutes for blood when you're undergoing blood

  • rage and you can't get actual human or animal blood.

  • - Really? - That's what the vampires said.

  • Hey, I'm just a messenger. Don't shoot the messenger.

  • - With a silver bullet. (forced laughter) - (laughing)

  • Now, I can sense that you're still skeptical about this.

  • - A little bit, yeah. - So I have the ultimate source for all

  • things vampire. That is vampirewebsite.net.

  • - I went there, and… - Like, "website" is spelled out?

  • And if you go to vampirewebsite.net -- yes, it is spelled out -- dashslash

  • howknowifavampire.html, that's where you can take a 38-question quiz to

  • find out if you're a vampire. Link, I've selected...

  • - Let's do it. - …just a few questions for you.

  • Do you have unusually pale skin?

  • It depends on the time of year. Not currently.

  • - I don't think so. I think you're normal. - No. Normally no.

  • As a kid, we you the strongest, smartest, or quickest kid in the class, and at

  • around 16 years of age, maybe all three? Keep in mind I knew you as a child and

  • - at the age of 16. - Well, then you know the answer to this.

  • - No, no, no, and a big sad no. - (through laughter) Definitely no.

  • - Okay. - I was working nothing at age 16.

  • Okay, this is a bad sign. Maybe you're not a vampire. Do appliances hate you?

  • - This is off of the website. - That is a good question.

  • - I've been burnt by a toaster. - I think they mean do appliances

  • - misbehave around you. The oven screws up… - I'm racking my brain, but no.

  • Okay. How often do you look at the person that almost bumped or bumped into you

  • and think, "You idiot," or "People are so stupid," because they didn't know you

  • were only a couple feet away from them, because you always know when someone

  • is that close to you, which, when you think about it, you only know because

  • you can sense when someone is that close to you? That is an actual

  • - question on the website. - Um...

  • Do you understand what I'm saying? Because I get this one, and I definitely

  • - feel this way about people. - No, what do you mean?

  • Sometimes somebody's, like, getting close to me, and I'm like,

  • - "You idiot." (laughing) No. - Really?

  • - (everyone on and offscreen laughing) - Is it like you're invisible or something?

  • It means you have a sixth sense. Like you know when somebody's sneaking

  • - up on you. Do you tend to get a - No!

  • high from human blood? When drinking someone's blood, do you tend to

  • find yourself being able to do something that they could do, that you couldn't do,

  • - about two weeks after drinking it? - Well, the only person's blood that I've

  • - drunk is my own. Like if I... - Oh, weird.

  • cut my finger. What do you do instinctively? (sucking noise)

  • - You put it in your mouth. - You do that.

  • I don't know. Does that make me a vampire?

  • Possibly. Could you do things two weeks later that you could do two weeks before?

  • - Because you're that person? - I'm really good at doing things that I

  • - could do. Like, I can replicate things - Two weeks later.

  • - later. Whether I'm drinking my own - You might be a vampire.

  • blood in the middle… I don't think that's bringing me closer to vampiredom.

  • I think it's pretty clear… I know there's more questions on the website, but even

  • with these, I am clearly not a vampire, but maybe you are a vampire, if you're

  • answering that opposite of me. But here's what I think is the thing I'm more

  • excited about. It's not about finding out if you are a vampire. It's just looking

  • like a vampire. And I present to you Father Father Sebastiaan, Rhett.

  • I found this guy. He is the founder and and head of Sabretooth Clan of

  • Vampires. He's also a vampire dentist, A.K.A. a fangsmith. He is a master

  • fangsmith. He used to be a dental assistant.

  • - He actually makes fangs in your mouth? - Which now makes fangs. If you go

  • to his website, you can peruse the vampire teeth that he can make.

  • And this is all under 300 dollars. Well, 400 dollars if you get the sabrewolf.

  • - Hold on. These are permanent? - These are not permanent. They are

  • dental acrylic. Just like the stuff dentures are made out of. And you put

  • 'em, in your mouth whenever you want to get your vampire on.

  • And then you take 'em out when you sleep or when you eat. You can drink with

  • 'em, but you can't eat with them because you might swallow them.

  • - And that's not a good idea. - So they're not in very well.

  • Well, even if they're in well, you don't wanna knock 'em out with a carrot

  • - or something. - Do you wear that denture cream stuff?

  • - 'Cause I've always wanted to do that. - No, they just hug the teeth.

  • And it might make you talk with a lisp. I learned all this by just reading his