Let's talk about that.

♪ (theme music) ♪

- Good Mythical Morning! - Last week on our ridiculous

dating websites game we learned about Vampersonals: an actual website where

vampires can date one another. And, yes, it was a real website.

- You got that one right! - And it's a real website because

there are people -- thousands of people around the world -- who consider

- themselves to actually be vampires. - So I've sent you on a trail...

- Yes. - …with asking you that question.

- A research trail. - A rabbit trail.

(both making "boop" noises)

You do satellite, huh? Satellite? I do antennae.

My antennae communicate with your satellite.

- Every time? I've never known that! - I've always done antennae.

- You do the satellite? - Yeah, every time!

Well, good for you! So anyway, during this research what I have learned

is that we're not talking about the vampires of folklore who live forever,

who don't like garlic, who can't go out in the sun. But these are...

- Wooden stake into the heart kills them. - Well, a wooden stake into the heart will

kill you, as well. And me. And most people.

- Well, touché! Speak for yourself! - But we are talking about people who

consider themselves vampires. And the thing that I have learned during this

- research… is that you might -- - But none of that's true of them.

you, sir, and possibly me -- may actually be vampires. And you may be

a vampire if you're watching, and we're gonna get into how you can figure that out.

- So there are some STAKES in this episode. - (forced laughter)

Not wooden, but you may find yourself being a vampire [at the end].

Now, there's couple of -- there's actually three different types vampires.

First -- and all these people are accepted within the vampire community.

I don't know how I feel about all of these types of vampires, considering the

first type is the lifestyle vampire. This is just people who like to dress up like

vampires. This is just people who go to Hot Topic and get black clothing.

(Link) Halloween-year-round type scenario?

(Rhett) They shouldn't be included, vampire people. I'm just saying you

shouldn't include people who just play dress-up. But they are included.

The second ones are called psychic vampires.

- Ooh! - And these are not people who tell the

future of other vampires. These are people who feed off of other people, but they

feed off of their energy.

What are the mechanics of that process?

You might suck on somebody's ear. (inhales) I don't know.

It has to do with their aura. You have an aura today. It's very...

- …blue. (laughing) - I like how you're looking… (laughing)

- Do you see something, because… - No, I don't.

- Okay, good. - But these people see or sense an

aura -- an energy -- in and around a person. And apparently, they can

- feed off of it. - That's called an extrovert.

Uh, yep. I think it's called a vampire. An extroverted vampire.

- "Extra diverted." - And if they feed to much on someone,

they can feel lethargic, according to them. But listen, I also don't think they

should be vampires, because I think the real vampires are the people who suck

blood. And those are called sanguinarian vampires. These are people who actually

- feed off of human blood... - Nn-mm.

…and feel like they have to have the blood in order to survive.

I feel like there should be laws against this, and there probably are.

Now, it isn't like I walk up to you and I bite into your neck without you knowing

and then suck your blood. We're talking people who have worked out agreements

with other donors. Sometimes they're in a relationship with somebody, like two

vampires together in a relationship, and they suck each others' blood.

- And then sometimes they get blood... - That's fair.

…from donors, like off of Craigslist. I'm not making this up.

Craigslist was listed as a potential place to find your blood donors.

And, of course, they go through all the testing to make sure they're not gonna

- get weird diseases. - Craig does that?

Craig is into that. Craig is really into blood.

- I mean the testing. - But the thing is, they don't bite

the neck. They actually use a sanitary scalpel, and they'll cut you on the arm

or on the back, and then suck on the cut. I'm not gonna actually do it.

- Don't get nervous. But here's the thing. - Oh, wow.

It sounds weird. It sounds crazy. But you actually may be one, because

there's a lot of characteristics that you can have, according to the vampire experts,

that might lead you… that might help you realize that you are actually

a vampire. And I've gone to an incredible source, Link.

I didn't even do any necking in high school.

- Well, hold on. - Remember that.

If you do that hard enough, some blood might come to the surface.

- You talking about hickies? - Hickies! Necking!

- (Rhett) I never understood hickies. - All right, so you're gonna conduct a

- test to prove that I am a vampire? - Well, the first question I have for you

- is: have you gone through puberty? - (scoffs) Lemme think about that!

- Uh, yes. I think so. - Well, that's a sign that you might be

a vampire. Because every vampire, during the time of puberty, experiences

an awakening, where they start to feel like they might be a vampire.

No -- okay, that means I'm not a vampire. So… they...

They realize, "Hey, I'm a vampire." They start...

Yeah, around puberty.

- That didn't happen to me. - (stammering) I'm just trying to

line all this up. Have you been through puberty?

- Yes. - Yes. You're still a candidate.

Secondly, do you enjoy pomegranate juice.

- Yes. - Dark chocolate.

Uh, yeah. I mean, it's bitter compared to regular chocolate, but yeah.

- Marmite? - Absolutely not.

- Okay. Have you ever tasted marmite? - Yes. It was mailed to us.

- But you like the first two. - Vegemite, marmite. Bad stuff.

Those are acceptable substitutes for blood when you're undergoing blood

rage and you can't get actual human or animal blood.

- Really? - That's what the vampires said.

Hey, I'm just a messenger. Don't shoot the messenger.

- With a silver bullet. (forced laughter) - (laughing)

Now, I can sense that you're still skeptical about this.

- A little bit, yeah. - So I have the ultimate source for all

things vampire. That is vampirewebsite.net.

- I went there, and… - Like, "website" is spelled out?

And if you go to vampirewebsite.net -- yes, it is spelled out -- dash… slash

howknowifavampire.html, that's where you can take a 38-question quiz to

find out if you're a vampire. Link, I've selected...

- Let's do it. - …just a few questions for you.

Do you have unusually pale skin?

It depends on the time of year. Not currently.

- I don't think so. I think you're normal. - No. Normally no.

As a kid, we you the strongest, smartest, or quickest kid in the class, and at

around 16 years of age, maybe all three? Keep in mind I knew you as a child and

- at the age of 16. - Well, then you know the answer to this.

- No, no, no, and a big sad no. - (through laughter) Definitely no.

- Okay. - I was working nothing at age 16.

Okay, this is a bad sign. Maybe you're not a vampire. Do appliances hate you?

- This is off of the website. - That is a good question.

- I've been burnt by a toaster. - I think they mean do appliances

- misbehave around you. The oven screws up… - I'm racking my brain, but no.

Okay. How often do you look at the person that almost bumped or bumped into you

and think, "You idiot," or "People are so stupid," because they didn't know you

were only a couple feet away from them, because you always know when someone

is that close to you, which, when you think about it, you only know because

you can sense when someone is that close to you? That is an actual

- question on the website. - Um...

Do you understand what I'm saying? Because I get this one, and I definitely

- feel this way about people. - No, what do you mean?

Sometimes somebody's, like, getting close to me, and I'm like,

- "You idiot." (laughing) No. - Really?

- (everyone on and offscreen laughing) - Is it like you're invisible or something?

It means you have a sixth sense. Like you know when somebody's sneaking

- up on you. Do you tend to get a - No!

high from human blood? When drinking someone's blood, do you tend to

find yourself being able to do something that they could do, that you couldn't do,

- about two weeks after drinking it? - Well, the only person's blood that I've

- drunk is my own. Like if I... - Oh, weird.

cut my finger. What do you do instinctively? (sucking noise)

- You put it in your mouth. - You do that.

I don't know. Does that make me a vampire?

Possibly. Could you do things two weeks later that you could do two weeks before?

- Because you're that person? - I'm really good at doing things that I

- could do. Like, I can replicate things - Two weeks later.

- later. Whether I'm drinking my own - You might be a vampire.

blood in the middle… I don't think that's bringing me closer to vampiredom.

I think it's pretty clear… I know there's more questions on the website, but even

with these, I am clearly not a vampire, but maybe you are a vampire, if you're

answering that opposite of me. But here's what I think is the thing I'm more

excited about. It's not about finding out if you are a vampire. It's just looking

like a vampire. And I present to you Father Father Sebastiaan, Rhett.

I found this guy. He is the founder and and head of Sabretooth Clan of

Vampires. He's also a vampire dentist, A.K.A. a fangsmith. He is a master

fangsmith. He used to be a dental assistant.

- He actually makes fangs in your mouth? - Which now makes fangs. If you go

to his website, you can peruse the vampire teeth that he can make.

And this is all under 300 dollars. Well, 400 dollars if you get the sabrewolf.

- Hold on. These are permanent? - These are not permanent. They are

dental acrylic. Just like the stuff dentures are made out of. And you put

'em, in your mouth whenever you want to get your vampire on.

And then you take 'em out when you sleep or when you eat. You can drink with

'em, but you can't eat with them because you might swallow them.

- And that's not a good idea. - So they're not in very well.

Well, even if they're in well, you don't wanna knock 'em out with a carrot

- or something. - Do you wear that denture cream stuff?

- 'Cause I've always wanted to do that. - No, they just hug the teeth.

And it might make you talk with a lisp. I learned all this by just reading his