CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST TRUE.

WOMEN AREN'T LIKE THAT.

WOMEN CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS,

AND HOLDING THREE

DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS.

[imitates computer]

YOU KNOW?

SHE'LL WALK INTO A ROOM,

AND SHE'LL SEE HER HUSBAND

READING A NEWSPAPER.

AND SHE ASSUMES, "I MULTITASK.

THEREFORE, HE MUST MULTITASK."

BUT HE'S RUNNING

THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM,

AND HE CAN ONLY RUN

ONE PROGRAM AT A TIME.

[imitates computer]

HE'S NOT HEARING JACK.

AND THIS MAKES WOMEN VERY ANGRY.

BUT YOU JUST NEED TO COME OVER,

AND YOU'VE GOTTA CLOSE

THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM.

YOU'VE GOTTA LOAD

THE LISTEN-TO-ME PROGRAM.

BUT YOU GOTTA WAIT A MINUTE.

HE NEEDS TO REBOOT.

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: "I DIDN'T KNOW

YOU WAS HERE."

YOU KNOW?

YOU LAUGH,

BUT I'M SERIOUS, GIRLS.

IF YOU SEE

A MAN DOING SOMETHING,

UNLESS HE'S WIRED DIFFERENTLY,

DO NOT BE GIVING HIM

VITAL INFORMATION.

'CAUSE THIS IS

A TRAIN WRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN.

YOU'LL HAVE

THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN.

WHEN YOU SWEAR HE TOLD YOU,

AND HE SWEARS

YOU NEVER TOLD HIM.

YOU KNOW YOU TOLD HIM,

BUT IN HIS BRAIN,

YOU NEVER SAID JACK TO HIM.

>> [audience cheering]

>> Mark: THE PROBLEM HERE IS,

GUYS, WE GET OURSELVES

IN TROUBLE BECAUSE MEN HAVE

THIS NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISM

THAT, AT ALL COSTS,

DO NOT STOP DOING

WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

SO WHEN SOMEBODY

STARTS TALKING TO YOU,

WE AUTOMATICALLY HAVE

THIS DEFENSE MECHANISM

THAT GOES, "UH-HUH.

YEP. UH-HUH.

UH-HUH."

AND WE KEEP DOIN'

WHAT WE'RE DOIN',

AND SHE THINKS YOU'RE LISTENING.

BUT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

YOU NEED TO STOP--

YOU'RE A BIG BOY.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

TURN TO THE GIRL,

AND PAY ATTENTION TO HER.

SO IT'S NOT ALL ON THE LADIES.

YOU'RE BIG BOYS.

WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING, STOP.

LISTEN TO THE GIRL.

AND THEN LET HIM GO

BACK TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.

SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT?

>> [audience applauding]

>> Mark: WELL,

I STARTED DOING THIS,

AND I THOUGHT, "THIS IS GREAT.

I'M DOING A LOT BETTER.

YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING

THE SINGLE-TASKING.

YEAH. OKAY.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"

AND I'LL SAY,

"I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."

AND I'LL MAKE HER BACK UP,

AND SHE'LL TELL ME

THE INFO, AND I GOT IT.

OKAY, OKAY.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOING

A LOT BETTER, BUT STILL,

I WAS GETTING MYSELF IN TROUBLE.

SHE'D WALK UP AND SAY,

"IT'S 6:00. ARE YOU READY?"

"FOR WHAT?"

YOU KNOW, THAT HAPPENED

TO HALF YOU GUYS TONIGHT, RIGHT?

"WE'RE DOIN' WHAT?"

"I TOLD YOU."

"NO, YOU DIDN'T."

"YES, I DID."

AND OFF TO THE RACES

WE WOULD GO.

YAHH!

AND I THOUGHT,

"MAN, WHAT IN THE WORLD?"

'CAUSE I'M WATCHING

THE SINGLE-TASKING.

I DON'T REMEMBER

HER SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT--

AND I THOUGHT

I WAS LOSING MY HEARING.

SO I WENT TO A DOCTOR.

TRUE STORY.

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

I WALKED IN.

HE SAID, "HOW YOU DOING?"

I SAID, "I'M OKAY."

HE SAYS, "WHAT SEEMS

TO BE THE PROBLEM?"

I SAID, "WELL, I THINK

I'M LOSING MY HEARING."

AND HE SAYS,

"WELL, YOU'RE GETTIN'

UP THERE IN AGE, YOU KNOW?

EARS ARE ONE

OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO."

AND I SAID,

"WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST?

I CAN HANDLE THAT."

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: WE'LL TALK

MORE ABOUT THAT TOMORROW.

BUT, UH-- SO HE SAYS,

"WELL, GO OVER

TO NURSE CRATCHETT.

SHE'LL TEST YOUR EARS."

YOU KNOW.

SO I FOUND THE LADY,

AND SHE AND I WALK

INTO THIS ROOM.

AND THEY GOT

THIS CHEAP BOX ON A TABLE,

WITH SOME REAL

CHINTZY HEADPHONES.

AND SHE SAYS,

"ALL RIGHT, NOW,

PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP,

RAISE YOUR HAND.

IF YOU DON'T HEAR THE BEEP,

DON'T RAISE YOUR HAND."

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: APPARENTLY,

I LOOK REALLY STUPID.

SO, ANYWAY,

I TURNED AROUND AND WE BEGAN.

[imitates beeping

high, low tones]

PRETTY SOON,

SHE GOES, "REALLY?

YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"

I TURNED AROUND AND SAID,

"YEAH, WHY?"

SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.

[imitates striking]

"I DON'T KNOW.

PIECE OF JUNK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER

WITH THIS THING?"

I SAID, "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

"ACCORDING TO THIS,

YOU CAN HEAR

WHAT CATS AND DOGS CAN HEAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT--"

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.

SHE SAYS, "I'M GONNA SEND YOU

TO A SPECIALIST."

YOU EVER BEEN

TO THE SPECIALIST?

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT

THIS YO-MAMA SOUNDPROOF ROOM.

YOU KNOW, THE THICK DOOR.

YOU KNOW?

[imitates hydraulics]

[no sound]

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT THE PERSON

SITTING BEHIND THE GLASS.

YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE

IN A PEOPLE AQUARIUM.

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: "SIR,

WOULD YOU SIT DOWN?"

BUT, UH, ANYWAY,

SO AT THE TIME, WE LIVED

IN GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN.

AND RIGHT DOWNTOWN IN GREEN BAY,

THERE WAS A PLACE CALLED,

EYE AND EAR ASSOCIATES.

I'D NEVER HEARD OF THEM BEFORE.

I HAD NO REASON

TO HEAR FROM THEM.

BUT SHE SAID,

"I'M GONNA SEND YOU

TO THESE PEOPLE.

THEY HAVE

ALL THIS FANCY EQUIPMENT."

AND SO SHE TAKES

THE DOCTOR'S PAD AND WRITES,

"EYE, EAR,"

AND SHE ABBREVIATES "ASSOCIATES"

AND HANDS IT TO ME.

>> [audience laughing]

I SAID, "UH, WHAT KIND

OF DOCTOR IS THIS?"

TRUE STORY.

SHE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

I SAID, "I HEARD

OF EYE, EAR, AND THROAT."

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: "I NEVER HEARD

OF THIS."

SHE SAID,

"LET ME SEE THAT.

OH! I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED."

SO SHE WROTE OUT, "ASSOCIATES."

I WENT, "OH! OH. OKAY.

THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE

IN FOR A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TEST

THERE FOR A MINUTE."

SO I GO

TO THE EYE, EAR, AND...

YOU KNOW, DOCTOR.

AND, UM...

I GET IN THERE, AND I SIT DOWN,

AND SHE'S BEHIND THE GLASS,

AND SHE HAS TO PUSH

THE BUTTON TO TALK.

"OKAY, NOW PUT ON

THE HEADPHONES.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP..."

SPIN AROUND, AND WE BEGAN.

[imitates high, low beeping]

I KID YOU NOT.

SHE GOES, "REALLY?

YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: I FELT LIKE A MORON.

ALL RIGHT?

I TAKE THE PRINTOUT

TO THE SPECIALIST.

HE GOES,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU HAVE BETTER EARS THAN ME."

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

SHE ASKED ME,

'ARE YOU READY AT 6:00?'

AND SO WE SAID--" [mumbling]

>> [audience laughing]

>> Mark: SO I GO HOME.

I WALK IN THE DOOR,

AND SHE SAYS,

"WELL, WHAT'D THE DOCTOR SAY?"

SHE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,

BY THE WAY.

[laughing]

I SAY THAT,

BECAUSE PEOPLE USED TO COME

UP TO ME AND SAY,

"YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T HAVE

A VOICE LIKE THAT."

I DO IT FOR EFFECT.

BY THE WAY,

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 32 YEARS.

>> [audience applauding]

>> Mark: WE HAVE TWO GRANDSONS.

VERY COOL.

BEAUTIFUL BOYS.

ONE IS 10 MONTHS OLD,

AND THE OTHER ONE IS EIGHT.

AND THEY'RE JUST SUCH A DELIGHT.

I LOVE GRANDCHILDREN,

'CAUSE NOW IT'S PAYBACK.

"COME HERE!

YOU WANT SOME MORE SUGAR?

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY! 'BYE!"

[maniacal laughter]

YOU KNOW?

MY SON, PHILIP,

IS HERE WITH US.

HE'S RUNNING THE AUDIO.

AND ON OUR

30th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,

PHILIP GIVES ME A CALL UP,

AND HE SAYS, "HEY, DAD.

THIRTY YEARS.

THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING."

I SAID,

"WELL, THANK YOU, SIR."

I SAID, "BUT TRUTHFULLY, PHIL,"

I SAID, "YOU KNOW,