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  • The president, often criticized for his caution, is now doing things his own way. He's got

  • a climate deal with China, he's issued immigration order. Let's see how far he can take it.

  • [music]

  • ♫ "I don't care! I love it! I love it! ♫ "I don't care! I love it! I love it!

  • I love it!"

  • [applause]

  • Good evening everybody. [crowd: Good evening]

  • Welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The night when Washington celebrates itself.

  • [laughter]

  • Somebody's gotta do it. [more laughter]

  • And welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency. It's true I -- [laughter] --

  • That was Michelle cheering.

  • The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages--they're like magic.

  • [laughter] You should try one.

  • Oh you have?

  • I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left.

  • After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, 'Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?'

  • And I said "well, I have something that *rhymes* with bucket list." [laughter]

  • Take executive action on immigration. Bucket!

  • New climate regulations? Bucket! It's the right thing to do.

  • And my new attitude is paying off. Look at my Cuba policy. The Castro brothers

  • are here tonight! [laughter]

  • Welcome to America! Amigos! ¿Qué pasa?

  • What? It's the Castros from Texas?

  • Oh. Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian.

  • Anyway. Being president is never easy. I still have

  • to fix a broken immigration system, issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran...

  • all while finding time to pray five times a day. [laughter]

  • Which is strenuous. [applause]

  • And it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me.

  • I look so old, John Boehner's already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.

  • [laughter] Meanwhile Michelle hasn't aged a day.

  • [applause]

  • I asked her what her secret is. She just says

  • "fresh fruits and vegetables." It's aggravating.

  • The fact is though at this point my legacy is finally beginning to take shape.

  • The economy's getting better. Nine in ten Americans now have health coverage.

  • [applause] Today thanks to Obamacare you now no longer

  • have to worry about losing your health insurance if you lose your job.

  • You're welcome, Senate Democrats. [laughter]

  • Now look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy.

  • Six years into my presidency some people still say I'm arrogant and aloof. Condescending.

  • Some people are so dumb! [laughter] No wonder I don't meet with them! [laughter]

  • And that's not all people say about me.

  • A few weeks ago Dick Cheney says he thinks I'm the worst president of his lifetime.

  • Which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime! [laughter]

  • That's quite a coincidence. Man, everybody's got something to say these days.

  • Mike Huckabee recently said, people shouldn't join our military until a true conservative

  • is elected president. Think about that. It was so outrageous 47 ayatollahs wrote us

  • a letter trying to explain to Huckabee how our system works.

  • It gets worse. Just this week Michelle Bachmann actually

  • -- actually predicted that I would bring about the Biblical End of Days.

  • Now that's a legacy. [laughter] That's big!

  • I mean, Lincoln, Washington... they didn't do that.

  • But you know I just had to put this stuff aside,

  • I've got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans this is still a

  • time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few

  • weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year,

  • and she is now living out of a van in Iowa. [laughter]

  • Meanwhile, back here in our nation's capital, we're always dealing with new challenges.

  • And I'm happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting by White House correspondents,

  • they're really focusing on some of the issues that have come up.

  • And they finally figured out a foolproof way

  • to keep people off my lawn. There it is.

  • [laughter] It works.

  • It's not just fence jumpers. Some of you know a few months ago a drone crash-landed out back.

  • That was pretty serious. But don't worry, we've installed a new, state-of-the-art security system.

  • Heh -- you know what? Let me set the record straight.

  • You know I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for seven years.

  • I love that man. [applause] He's not just a great vice president, he is

  • a great friend. We've gotten so close in some places in Indiana they won't serve us pizza anymore.

  • [laughter]

  • I want to thank our host, for the evening, the Chicago girl, the incredibly talented

  • Cecily Strong. [applause] On Saturday Night Live, Cecily impersonates

  • CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin, which is surprising. Because usually the only people impersonating

  • journalists on CNN are journalists on CNN. [crowd: "Ohhh!!!"]

  • ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy Blackish.

  • [applause] It's a great show, but I have to give ABC

  • fair warning, being Blackish only makes you popular for so long.

  • Trust me. There's a shelf life to that thing. [laughter]

  • As always, the reporters here had a lot

  • to cover over the last year. Here on the East Coast one big story was the brutal winter.

  • The polar vortex caused so many record lows they renamed it MSNBC.

  • [crowd: "ohhh!!!"]

  • But of course, let's face it. There's one

  • issue on every reporter's mind, and that is 2016.

  • Already we've seen some missteps. Turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic

  • back in 2009. But you know what? I understand. It's an innocent

  • mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as

  • American back in 1961. [laughter]

  • Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of

  • climate change made him like Galileo.

  • Now that's not really an apt comparison.

  • Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the Sun.

  • Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.

  • An this is an aside -- I want to point out when a guy who has his face on a Hope poster

  • calls you self-centered... [laughter]

  • you know you've got a problem. The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high.

  • Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he

  • would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or a loved one.

  • To which gays and lesbians across the country responded, "that's not going to be a problem!"

  • "Don't sweat that one."

  • And Donald Trump is here.

  • Still. [laughter]

  • Anyway. It's amazing how time flies.

  • Soon the first presidential contest will take place and I for one cannot wait to see who

  • the Koch brothers pick. It's exciting.

  • Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker... who will finally get that

  • red rose.

  • The winner gets a billion dollar war chest.

  • The runner-up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor.

  • I mean seriously -- a billion dollars! From just two guys!

  • Is it just me or does that feel a little excessive? I mean it's almost insulting to the candidates.

  • The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one

  • of these people. It's gotta hurt their feelings a little bit.

  • And look, I know I've raised a lot of money too, but in all fairness my middle name is Hussein.

  • [laughter]

  • What's their excuse? [laughter]

  • The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow Democrats either.

  • As we all know Hillary's private e-mails got her in trouble.

  • Frankly I thought it was going to be her private Instagram account that was going to cause

  • her bigger problems...

  • Hillary kicked things off by going completely

  • unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O'Malley kicked

  • things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O'Malley campaign event.

  • [laughter]

  • And Bernie Sanders might run!

  • I like Bernie. Bernie's an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a

  • pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all!

  • Could happen.

  • Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note.

  • I often joke about tensions between me and the press.

  • But honestly, what they say doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an adversarial

  • system. I'm a mellow sort of guy.

  • And that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. [applause]

  • [laughter]

  • HOLD ON to your lily-white butts!

  • In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents Dinner are important.

  • I mean really?! What is this dinner?!

  • And why am I required to come to it?! Jeb Bush -- do you really wanna do this?

  • Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.

  • And we can count on FOX News to terrify old white people with some nonsense!

  • "SHARIA LAW IS COMIN' TO CLEVELAND! RUN FOR THE DAMN HILLS!"

  • Y'all, it's ridiculous!

  • So we won't always see eye to eye.

  • Oh hey CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole weeks we were one step away from the Walking Dead!

  • And then y'all got up and just moved on to the next thing.

  • That was awesome. Oh! And by the way, just if you haven't noticed, YOU DON'T HAVE EBOLA!!!

  • But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.

  • Y'all remember when they had that big ol' hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico? And then I plugged it?!

  • Remember that? Which "Obama's Katrina" was that one? Was

  • it like 19 or was it, was it 20? I can't remember, I can't remember.

  • Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example the Supreme Court ruled

  • that the donor who gave Ted Cruz six million dollars was just exercising free speech.

  • Yeah, it's the kind of speech like this: "I just wasted six million dollars!"

  • And it's not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money too.

  • Ohhhhh yeahhhh. She gonn' get that money!

  • She gonn' get aaaaaalllll the money!

  • Khaleesi is comin' to Westeros!

  • [cheering] So WATCH OUT! Whooo!

  • The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates

  • real problems for our democracy. And that's why we runnin' for a third term!

  • No, no, no we're not. We're not?

  • WHO THE HELL SAID THAT?!!!! [laughter]

  • But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges. Like climate change.

  • Eh, listen y'all, if you haven't noticed, California is BONE DRY.

  • It look like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there!

  • Y'all think that Bradley Cooper came here cause he wants to talk to Chuck Todd???