sequels,

and spin-offs,

but before you see the prequel-sequel hybrid reboot

revisit the triquel that started it all: The X-Men Trilogy

In a world where people cheer for superheroes like The Fantastic Four,

The Avengers,

and Spiderman,

those same people will inexplicably hate the X-Men

"Get out of my bar, freak."

because for some reason there’s a difference

between super-powers and mutant powers

... I guess. Suit up for director Bryan Singer’s first

two X-Men films,

that proved comic book movies can be awesome

and director(?) Brett Ratner’s The Last Stand

that proved comic book movies can totally suck balls.

Recoil as this spoiled hack douchebag takes the reigns of the beloved franchise,

only to kill off your favorite characters,

leave out your favorite characters,

and depower your favorite characters.

"I had to."

all while completely butchering the Phoenix Saga,

a storyline so iconic even the cartoon did it justice.

"Scott, please, do it!"

"I can't!"

"Ahhh!"

But don’t worry, they’re sending Wolverine back in time to make sure Brett Ratner never

happened.

Meet Professor X, the Dumbledore of Xavier’s

School for Witchcraft and Wizardry

(It's basically ITT Tech for weirdos). Suit up with his best students, the X-Men,

leather fetish versions of the popular comic book characters.

There’s Wolverine, a man with a mysterious past that must have included a lot of steroids,

Cyclops, a bratty cry-baby who’s only there to salt Wolverine’s game,

"Stay away from my girl."

Rogue, who gets the crappy no-touching part of her powers but not flight or super strength,

Storm, who can control the variations of the weather

but not her bad African accent,

"At least I've chosen a side."

"Hank, tell all the students the school stays open."

Gambit,

and Jean Grey, whose phoenix energy is released through the power

of

stares.

They’ll team up against Magneto, a Holocaust survivor who basically becomes Hitler,

"We are the cure!"

a walking internet meme,

“I’m the juggernaut, bitch!”

and His Na’vi sidekick Mystique --

wait, is she naked?

She’s totally naked, right?

Man, someone got to paint that on her bewbs...

to make them, you know, blewbs.

Ugh, I’m so lonely.

Watch as all mutantkind must band together

to defeat evil government officials out to prove that mutants are dangerous

which they totally are.

Ugh! Jeez!

Starring...

Melisandre,

Occulus Rift,

Twiiiinks,

Sookie,

Ron Paul,

Logan Valjean,

Rebecca Romijn,

Hairy Blewbs,

and Timmy!

The X-Men Trilogy

So they couldn’t find room for Gambit, Psylocke, or Cable,

but they managed to fit in Horn Man, Slim Fast, and

the Bad Hugger?

Ugh.