Name: 人間関係で何が起こるかを予測する暗い方法 (A Dark Way to Predict what might happen in your relationship)
Uploaded: 2024-12-04T02:53:39.000Z
Duration: 3 min 42 s

転換語

A dark and frightening way to predict what might happen in your relationship with a new person is to ask them what happened to them in their childhood. Often, we stand to hear a sad and sombre tale in which our partner was cast in the role of a victim, as children typically are. For example, at a young age, their parents turned against your partner and diverted their attention to a younger sibling. They became deaf to their calls for attention and treated them unreliably, and then denied that they had done so, scrambling the poor child's sense of reality. Or their parents didn't give them warmth and care and left them feeling that there was something wrong with them for wanting love. Or their parents humiliated them for not being good enough, perhaps not sufficiently cultured or sporty, sociable or tidy. In the early days of a relationship, we are liable to be extremely sympathetic to these stories. Our heart reaches out to the younger version of our companion, whom we would have wanted to hug tightly and reassure. However, it can be a long time – as many as three to four years – before something more alarming comes into view, which we very often aren't able to analyse or interpret, let alone prevent.

初対面の人との関係で何が起こるかを予測する暗くて恐ろしい方法は、相手に子供時代に何があったかを尋ねることだ。多くの場合、私たちは、子供が一般的にそうであるように、パートナーが犠牲者の役割を演じられた悲しく陰鬱な物語を聞くことになる。例えば、幼い頃、両親があなたのパートナーを敵視し、弟妹に注意をそらした。親はパートナーに注意を向けようとしても耳を貸さず、頼りない態度で接し、そしてそれを否定して、かわいそうな子どもの現実感覚を混乱させた。あるいは、親が温かく見守ってくれず、愛情を欲しがる自分には何か問題がある

程度の副詞

Our partner may, unconsciously, start to enact in our relationship the very same dynamic as they experienced in their childhood, but with one key difference. This time, they are in the role of the perpetrator and we, unwittingly, are cast in the role of their victim. So, for example, our partner may mysteriously cool on us and begin to get highly attached to a friend or colleague. When we complain and ask for their love back, they pretend that we are imagining that they are being distant or unreliable, leaving us puzzled as to what might be unfolding. Or our partner may withdraw from us emotionally and sexually, leaving us knocking at the castle door, hoping to be let back in. Or our partner may start to become snide and mocking about our apparent insufficiencies, calling us uncreative or uncultured, which had never appeared to bother them before. What on earth is going on? The explanation may run like this. In the deep minds of our partner, it appears that there really are only two positions that one can adopt in a relationship. Either one is the perpetrator or one is the victim – that is, after all, exactly what their childhood taught them. And in the choice between these two, rather naturally, our partner has decided to adopt the exclusively safe stance that their parents once enjoyed, the perpetrator role, and then cast us as their victim. We must suffer in the way they did, for only then can they feel, in the recesses of their psyches, that they are not going to be tormented all over again. Their behaviour is letting us know what they had to go through – and are dementedly keen never to have to endure again.

私たちのパートナーは無意識のうちに、幼少期に経験したのとまったく同じダイナミズムを、私たちの関係の中で演じ始めているかもしれない。今回、パートナーは加害者であり、私たちは知らず知らずのうちに被害者になっているのだ。例えば、パートナーが不思議と私たちに冷淡になり、友人や同僚に強く執着し始めることがある。私たちが不満を漏らし、愛情を返してほしいと頼むと、パートナーは私たちがよそよそしいとか、頼りないとか気にしているふりをして、何が起こっているのかわからず困惑する。あるいは、パートナーは私たちから感情的にも性的

様態の副詞

The way out of this horrific possibility is to become hugely aware of it, to bring it into circulation in the couple and to search for evidence of it in oneself and the other.

この恐ろしい可能性から抜け出す方法は、それを強く意識し、カップルの中でそれを循環させ、自分と相手の中にその証拠を探すことである。

 More profoundly, the task is to start to see that, unlike what childhood may have taught, there is in fact very much one central and redeeming alternative available to being a victim or a perpetrator. There is a role that, tragically, no one showed a child as their mind was forming, but that is the true goal of all genuine loving relationships – that of being the nurturer, the one who heals, who offers, who comforts and who cares, the one we are all craving to have – and, in our healthier moments, are all longing to be.

より深いところでは、子供時代に教えられたこととは異なり、被害者にも加害者にもならない、救いのある選択肢があることを理解することである。悲劇的なことに、心が形成されつつある子どもには誰も見せてくれなかった役割がある。しかし、それこそが、すべての真の愛情関係の真の目標であり、私たちが切望している、癒し、提供し、慰め、気遣う存在である養育者なのだ。