to the franchise reboot

based on the sequel

to the original franchise.

Star Trek Into Darkness.

Uh, did someone forget a colon?

Get ready for the sequel that JJ Abrams swore would be different from Star Trek II:

The Wrath of Khan.

Except for this part:

"The needs of the many Outweigh the needs of the few."

And this

And of course:

(screaming)

That.

But JJ's not just stealing from The Wrath of Khan;

he's recycling everything you loved about his last Star Trek movie, too,

like Kirk bedding aliens,

Spock throwing tantrums,

Kirk and Pike drinking,

Red Bull Space Jumping,

hallway running,

Old Spock,

and

even

more

lens flares!

Ah, you guys get the point.

So, ride once again with James T. Kirk,

the galaxy's worst star-fleet captain,

as he desecrates a culture's gods

"What the hell did you take?!"

"I have no idea, but they were bowing to it!"

Lets experienced crew members go out of spite.

"Do you accept my resignation or not?"

"I do!"

Promotes inexperienced crew members out of convenience.

"You're my new chief."

"Aye, captain."

And fails to protect his crew.

(screams)

And the Enterprise.

And downtown San Francisco.

Cringe at the stereotypical treatment of the two female leads.

Uhura, an otherwise competent officer,

who stops a life or death mission

to nag her boyfriend for not sharing his feelings.

Uhura: "You prefer not to discuss this at all, that's what you prefer."

Spock: "Our current --"

Kirk: "Are you really gonna do this right now?"

Uhura: "What never seems to require your undivided focus --"

Kirk: "Guys."

Uhura: "I'm sorry, Captain. Just two seconds."

And newcomer Carol Marcus,

who's only there for one reason

Carol: "Turn around!"

Make that two reasons.

Watch as this crew faces their most dangerous enemy yet.

Khan: "Khan."

He's a ruthless villain

Khan: "Shall we begin?"

so diabolical he'll... not kill Spock,

let Kirk express his feelings,

and ultimately be completely justified in his actions.

Khan: "My crew is my family.

Is there anything you would not do for your family?"

You gotta admit, he's got a point.

So! Boldly go to a ridiculous alternate Star Trek timeline,

where the Enterprise survives more hits than it took

in the entire original series,

magical interplanetary transporters make star ships obsolete,

death has been cured by magical super blood,

Bones: "I synthesized this serum from this super blood."

and, whenever they're in a space jam,

old Spock is just a FaceTime away.

Old Spock: "Mr. Spock."

Spock: "Mr. Spock."

Ugh, I can just picture the next Star Trek already.

[dreamy music]

Klingon General Chang,

The Horta,

Tholians,

The Borg --

all really bad!

Anybody else we should look out for?

We covered The Gorn, right?

It is just a test. Do not actually kill The Gorn.

Correct. Oh, and when you go back to 1930's New York you have to kill Kirk's

girlfriend or Hitler will win World War II.

Fascinating.

Oh and be sure to track down a couple humpback whales. Cause that will save you a

lot of time later on.

Humpback whales...

That should cover it. Now I believe you have something for me...

You lucky dog. Best I could get was that weird fan dance in Star Trek 5.

Are we sure this is not going to rip apart some time-space continuum?

Hey, you want my help or not!?

Starring...

Captain Twerk

Smock

Old Smock

Margaret Cho

Carlos Santana

A Doctor, Not a Miracle Worker

Bling-ons

Scott the Engineer

Robocop

Thumbnail

And Eggs Bennedict Cummerbund

Star Trek Into Darkness

Are we SURE we don't wanna put a colon in there?

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